Farce the Music: Top 10 Lists

Showing posts with label Top 10 Lists. Show all posts

Nov 24, 2021

Top 10 Things Morgan Wallen Fans are Thankful for This Year

10. That mainstream country is so bad, Morgan sounds almost like Hank Jr. in comparison

9. That “Let’s Go Morgan” kinda sounds like “Let’s Go Brandon”

8. Thanks to Autofill, you only have to remember how to spell your name once

7. That the mullet trend has outlasted its welcome (they’ve had once since pre-k)

6. That their digestive system has finally healed after that ‘drinking bleach’ incident

5. High inflation makes stolen catalytic converters more valuable

4. The burn scars from dropping a frozen turkey in the fryer last year are finally fading

3. The “Carolina squat” is only banned in the Carolinas

2. That they aren’t famous enough to have their racial slur videos made public

1. McRib is back

Aug 19, 2021

Top 10 Things Morgan Wallen Fans are Also Fans Of

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10. Cutting across three lanes on the interstate in their Carolina squatted pickup truck so they don’t miss their exit for the vape shop

9. Business in front, party in the back

8. Complaining about the health dangers of wearing a mask while vaping and downing their 6th White Claw

7. Saying that word around their friends and cutting their eyes at the mixed race guy to see if he’s mad

6. Screaming profanities at their boyfriend in his Carolina squatted pickup truck in the parking lot beside Sonic on Friday nights

5. Calling people who don’t like Morgan’s music libtards

4. “Collecting” copper wiring

3. Hunting out of season

2. Acting indignant that rappers can say that word even though that’s all they’ve been listening to in their Carolina squatted pickup truck

1. Pretending they were Morgan Wallen fans before February 2021

Aug 11, 2021

Top 10 Biggest Jerks in 70s Country

I can’t believe these jerks!

10. Olivia Newton-John

First person to say “country music has to evolve with the times.” Stands in the aisle as soon as the plane stops. (2022 update: RIP ONJ!)

9. Don Gibson

Made us all very sad with his forlorn ass songs. Did this on purpose.

8. Moe Bandy

Wore the “Bandy the Rodeo Clown” outfit to actual rodeos trying to pull buckle bunnies. Claims to be the most famous country singer from Meridian, Mississippi.

7. The Bellamy Brothers

Used the terrible pickup lines from their songs in real life. Used to throw used prophylactics out the window of their tour bus.

6. Freddy Fender

Only sang his two biggest hits as a 2 minute medley in concert. Used the rest of the time to perform Mexican dirges. Stomped out half smoked joints before asking if anybody wanted the rest.

5. Sonny James

Big timed everybody after he got his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. First artist to sell VIP meet & greets. Used both armrests in the movie theater even if someone was beside him.

4. Barbara Mandrell

Doesn’t mute background noise during Zoom meetings. Sent a CMA Entertainer of the Year award back because it only had her name engraved and not “Sweetheart of the Steel.” Makes her sisters sit at the kids’ table at holiday meals.

3. Kenny Rogers

Put tiny amounts of actual crack in his Kenny Rogers Roasters chicken to get people addicted. Was the first person referred to as “Mr. Steal Yo Girl.” Never replaced the toilet paper.

2. Crystal Gayle

Used that ultra long hair to ‘accidentally’ trip more than one up-and-coming opening act. Thinks she’s the best sibling from her family since she was the only one born in a hospital. Uses approximately 230 complimentary shampoo bottles to wash her hair when she’s at a hotel.

1. Mel Tillis

The stuttering was just an act for “branding.” After Coe left him out of “You Never Even Called Me By My Name,” Tillis spread the rumor that Coe did the Johnny Rebel albums. King of the SBDs. Was planning to record a hick-hop album before his passing.

Jun 16, 2021

Top 10 Reasons Upchurch Fans Missed His Concert

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10. Lab mishap got me laid up for a few days

9. Had a club meeting that night and had to get my hood cleaned; it was a whole thing

8. Biden’s fault; couldn’t afford gas to get there

7. Was busy visiting our nation’s Capital

6. Was reading Hillbilly Elegy and time got away from me

5. Had to work a double shift running the Tilt-a-Whirl

4. Currently residing in state detention facility

3. Hanging out with friends and time got away from me

2. Not possible to stay 100 feet from all the women with restraining orders against me at the same time

1. I got court

May 19, 2021

Top 10 Ways to Be a TikTok Americana Artist

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10. Look up “authentic” in the dictionary and then try to fake it

9. Force yourself to binge listen to Tyler Childers when you’d rather be playing Polo G and DaBaby

8. Search “Cavender’s” in your Google maps app

7. Learn to strum a few chords that can be used for just about any cliche Americana standard you choose to cover on Tik Tok

6. Be handsome, but look like you’ve been out riding fences, whatever that means

5. Take a semester off from Bucknell, grow out facial hair

4. Buy a bunch of caps at the county co-op or even better, some vintage ones off eBay

3. Learn to sing in a throaty scream: shallow people will think that’s soulful

2. Cover “Cover Me Up” so poorly that only girls who think you’re cute pretend to like it

1. Do at least one video talking shit about Kane Brown and Sam Hunt but make your Spotify plays private first

Apr 7, 2021

Top 10 Biggest Jerks in Southern Rock

Most of these “jerk” lists have been surprising. This one, not as much. Rock stars are well known for ego and snotty behavior. Even though they may put off good vibes online or when meeting fans, here are some of Southern Rock’s most egregious offenders.

10. Gregg Allman

Only married Cher to piss off southern rock fans. Kept bus fridge stocked with clean urine despite never actually having to take drug tests.

9. Wes Bayliss (The Steel Woods)

Thinks turn signals are for the weak. Has a side job as one of those people who calls you about your car’s warranty.

8. Marcus King

Still draws dicks on sleeping bandmates like it’s a 1997 frat house. Insists upon a state trooper entourage walking him to the stage.

7. Dan Baird (Georgia Satellites)

Only plays “Keep Your Hands to Yourself” in a medley at concerts. Hangs the toilet paper “under.”

6. Cody Cannon (Whiskey Myers)

Puffs, puffs, puts it out. Secretly a hit pop-country songwriter under the alias Corey Crowder. Burps and blows in your face.

5. Susan Tedeschi

Only allows mainstream country stations to be played over the tour bus speakers. Makes band sign non-disclosure agreements so no one knows about her Red Man habit. One member is being fired at this moment.

4. Charlie Starr (Blackberry Smoke)

Talks in a fake Southern aristocrat accent for interviews. Doesn’t flush. Doesn’t put his grocery cart up.

3. Dale Krantz Rossington (The Rossington Band, Skynyrd)

Used to hide rotten fruit in Leon Russell’s beard while he was asleep. Cheats at Words with Friends. Hollers “Play Free Bird!” while actually on the stage with Lynyrd Skynyrd.

2. Derek Trucks

Never responds to text messages. Intentionally uses poor grammar and spelling on Facebook posts to trigger perfectionists. Personally selects the pre-show monitor music: all Ricky Martin hits. Doesn’t pick up after his dog.