Archives: The Country Listing Song

ORIGINALLY POSTED AUGUST 23, 2012

The Country Listing Song

©2012 FTM Satires

Kudzu on a city limit sign

Pasture party past the county line

Jack and Jim

And redneck friends

Bonfire, tailgate, melon rind

This is the country listing song

Come on everybody, sing along

Scream "hell yeah" if you're country strong

Say I ain't country, I'll prove you wrong

With this here country listing song

City folks and cities suck

I like bass fishin' and whitetail bucks

Hank and Strait

Barbecue plate

Hot cousin in my pickup truck

This is the country listing song

Come on everybody, sing along

Scream "hell yeah" if you're country strong

Say I ain't country, I'll prove you wrong

With this here country listing song

Bridge

Jesus, mama, American way

Small town, love, some other cliché

This is the country listing song

Drink Bud Light till the night is gone

Trim your beard with a shaver from Braun

Try Medifast, tell that gut "So long!"

Get I Heart Radio on your iPhone

This is the country listing song

New Videos / Lori McKenna / "The Balladeer"

The title track of her new album, out today.

George Jones Fan Starter Pack

Can't Wait to Hear This Album!

Record Store Looted, Luke Bryan Albums Untouched

Portland’s Portobello Records near Laurelhurst Park was ransacked and looted on Thursday night during the ongoing protests and unrest occurring in the city. The store was reported to be nearly a total loss. 

Owner Jason Anderson reported damages in upwards of $67,000. Shelves were overturned, walls were vandalized, records were stolen, Five Finger Death Punch t-shirts were burned, and the cash register was emptied of its entire $1.45. 

“They left every single CD and vinyl record of Luke Bryan untouched though,” laughed Anderson. “Usually we just sell those to tourists anyway, but he’s not thaaat bad, right?” He told us there was even a polite letter scrawled in blood on the Bryan records that said simply “No thanks.”

Besides the country hunk’s records, every other CD, cassette tape, vinyl, and even a few 8-tracks were stolen from Portobello. That includes Creed, Nickelback, Soulja Boy, Hoobastank, Lil Xan, LMFAO, 6ix9ine, Puddle of Mudd, and even Coldplay. “I could have resold a lot of leftovers on eBay or some other secondary market, but I mean, if they wouldn’t even steal Luke Bryan albums, I guess they’re worthless,” said Anderson, rummaging through the debris.

“Oh, actually here are a few other records they didn’t take,” said Anderson, finding a full crate under some rubble. “Florida-Georgia Line, Dustin Lynch, Thomas Rhett… weird.” 

The looters, believed to be one group pretending to be Antifa and another group pretending to be right wingers, both intending to frame the other, were not identifiable in store security footage. If you have information that could lead to an arrest in the case, contact Portland Crimestoppers.