Worst Country Singles of 2011

Click the songs titles to listen, if you dare.

10. Tyler Farr - That's What They're Bitin' On

This is what happens when ball cap sporting posers like Jason Aldean and Brantley Gilbert rule the roost in Nashville. Copycats. Sure, Tyler may have been around just as long as those two, but he didn't get a push till now, so it's all about record execs seeing dollar signs. When the first line mentions a "turned around camouflage trucker ball cap," you know what to expect from there. Tricked out tractors, Stetson cologne, fishing metaphors, city-girls-gone-country… it's all there. Oh, loud guitars too, but that's a given… it is a country song after all.

9. Justin Moore - Bait a Hook

I thought Justin had turned a corner when he introduced his new album with the solid "If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away," but the rest of the album proved to be an entire collection of laundry list "how damn country I am" songs. And this one… I can't believe it hasn't come under critical fire for it's unspoken implication that a girly-drink-swilling, sushi-eating, Prius-driving boyfriend is more likely a closeted homosexual than a man deserving of the gal's love. If every man who can't skin a buck was unworthy of a female's partnership, I'd be out of a marriage y'all. And who the hell doesn't know who Jack Daniels is? The sissy boy this song is aimed at, that's who.

8. Trace Adkins - Brown Chicken Brown Cow

This porn joke turned country song turned puppet porn video served to cement Trace Adkins as the most scattershot artist working the top 40 these days. Trace has put out several songs in the past decade I'd name as my favorite commercial country tunes of the era. He's also put out at least 6 that are so indescribably bad, it's hard to see how they didn't top the country charts. It's not the hay loft love-making that makes this so bad - it's the terrible pun hook and the perverted farm animals who fight each other to get the closest view of the corn shucking. Even Trace knew this song was terrible, he pulled it from release to be spared the shame of the song not even cracking (huh huh, I said cracking) the top 30.

7. Big & Rich - Fake I.D.

Admittedly, I didn't hate Big & Rich's first album. It's over-the-top dumb fun and attempts to be nothing more. Since then, B&R have obviously struggled to recapture that juvenile attitude and hormone-filled energy to no avail. "Fake ID" proves their most awkward attempt at reconnecting with their youth. Think Travis Tritt flaming out with that awful "Girls Gone Wild" song a few years ago, or Clint Black uncomfortably parading around on the beach in a sleeveless T-shirt and jorts on the "Summer's Comin'" video. Kenny Chesney is the only older artist who can get away with that crap. This song has no weight whatsoever, no good hook, no interesting story, no soul. It's just a foolhardy attempt to get back on the radio with a lowest common denominator-aimed song that's more contrived than it is fun. Who wants to hear a thirty-something and a forty-something singing about trying to score fake ID's? It just doesn't make sense.

6. Tim McGraw & Gwyneth Paltrow - Me and Tennessee

The most annoying track on this countdown - "together we're singing/forever we're singing" goes the cringe-inducing chorus. Gwyneth isn't terrible, but her voice would be more suited to Colbie Calliat style singer-songwriter pop, rather than country. Ack, there's that chorus again - followed by some "yeah yeah yeah's" like they didn't know what else to fill the awkward space with. Awful. Damn near unlistenable. Yeah yeah yeah yeah.

5. Sawyer Brown - Smokin' Hot Wife

Sawyer Brown has now channeled the cheesy energy they once used to select their wardrobes into their music. The Bellamy Brothers-meets-Jimmy Buffett breezy island tune only tries to mine the popularity of similar Kenny Chesney and Zac Brown songs from recent years, but it adds nothing to the dopey lyrics. I suppose it might be okay for a 20-40 something artist to have a song by this title, but when it's from the 53 year old Mark Miller, it's just kinda creepy.

4. Colt Ford - Country Thang

From my review earlier this year:

"Country Thang" is YET ANOTHER listing song about, well, country thangs. And among thangs that Ford would like you to know are fixtures for the rural set are misspelelingllings (see song title) and uncorrect grammar, because "that's how we does it" down here! We also does it barefoot and crazy while the tin roof sings. We live in the pines in a shotgun shack with a high-priced huntin' dog baying around back. I bet you'll never guess what our women-folk wear. Yep, cutoff jeans. Apparently, in some necks of the south, women's clothing stores sell ONLY cutoffs, tight jeans, bikinis and short skirts. I wish.

Hey Colt, you sure you weren't better at golf?

3. Robin Meade - Dirty Laundry

The hottie-news anchor releases her first country single (because the world needed another star gone country) and it knowingly references her day job. Unfortunately that's the only thing remotely interesting about this cover of Don Henley's "Dirty Laundry." The soulless Muzik Mafia-lite background music sounds like something she bought from a show choir karaoke website. Her vocals are tolerable, but nothing that should have made her think she could make it in a world of Carrie Underwoods and Miranda Lamberts. The chorus is grating as hell. I'm not surprised this didn't even make a ripple, even in the age of lowered-standards Nashville. Putrid.

2. Luke Bryan - Country Girl (Shake it For Me)

I was starting to come around to Luke Bryan. He's clearly got some vocal talent. Some of his songs are pretty darn country-sounding. His cheesy-charm even got me to tolerate the dopey "Rain is a Good Thing."

Whatever good will Luke had built up with me was completely spent (and he went into debt) with "Country Girl (Shake it for Me)." This despicably dunderheaded dance-country crapfest exhorted his girl to shake her posterior for the catfish, squirrels, rednecks, flowers, trees, CMT execs… whoever. It rehashes every Nashville cliché we hated the first fifteen times. CowboyLyrics.com claims this to be one of the song's lyrics: "with a gattle in her Bud to get a little wild." I'm pretty sure that's not right, but even a nonsense lyrics like that couldn't pull the IQ of this song any lower.

1. Kristen Chenoweth - I Want Somebody (Bitch About)

From my review earlier this year:

From the first word out of her mouth, you know the next three minutes won't better your life experience. By midway through the first verse (if you're still around), you're convinced you can write a better song with the local Montgomery Gentry cover band. By the chorus, you're feeling a growing sense that your organs are banding together to overthrow your mind for letting things go this far. By the end of the chorus, you're ready to jump into a Slayer mosh pit and leave the whole adrenaline and whiskey charged bunch lying in a pool of their own blood and broken limbs. If you make it to the end, you hate your ears. Or you're a blogger.

This one takes the cake as the worst country single of 2011. And it's not even close.

Notably left off the list: Toby Keith - Red Solo Cup; Brantley Gilbert - Country Must Be Country Wide; Jason Aldean - Dirt Road Anthem.

These songs, to varying degrees, at least had something worthy about them… don't get me wrong, I hate all three for different reasons, but "Dirt Road Anthem" is damn catchy, regardless of its lasting damage to the genre. "Country Must Be Country Wide" at least 'sounds' better than anything in my bottom 10. "Red Solo Cup" teeters on the edge between big-stupid-fun and just-plain-stupid for me, and some of the lyrics are lovably idiotic. I have a soft spot for intentionally moronic lyrics.

Snap Judgments: Promo Only Country Radio September '11

Promo Only Country Radio September 2011

(click the titles to hear the songs)

George Strait – Here for A Good Time 2:57

A solid single from ol' King George. It incorporates partying and a little philosophy with relative ease. It also exudes all the charm Strait is known for. Nothing earth-shattering but a strong tune.

B

Brett Eldredge – It Ain’t Gotta Be Love 3:04

What a voice. As long as this guy selects/writes good songs, he's going to be good for the genre. This is a catchy track. Mid-tempo rocker about a one night stand ...or one weekend stand, anyway. I'd rather hear this than most of what's on the radio these days.

B-

Montgomery Gentry – Where I Come from 3:20

Same song, new verses. Stock Montgomery Gentry tune. Thankfully, that at least means some twang, steel guitar and some of the trappings of what country should sound like. Of course that also means rocking and strutting. "Where I Come From" is pretty much "My Town Part 2." Not bad and it'll probably get them back on the radio but really.... can't we get some new freaking subject matter on the radio?

C

Sawyer Brown – Smokin’ Hot Wife 3:10

I smell cheese before this even starts. It sounds like a Bellamy Brothers song right off the bat, which I would prefer. Hmm, no this isn't good. It reminds me of some other song that I can't recall at the moment, but I'm pretty sure it's a direct rip-off of that song. This is worse than bad Buffett, and that's saying something.

F

Robin Meade – Dirty Laundry 4:17

I'm not expecting much from the CNN news caster... and oh shit, it's a cover of Don Henley. This is awful. Not as spectacularly bad as that Chenoweth chick's foray into country, but it's in that league. Make it stop. Robin, stick to your day job.

F

Danny Gokey – Second Hand Heart 3:42

Go away, Danny. I'm as tired of looking at you as I am Jared at Subway. Holy crap, this sounds JUST like Dave Matthews Band's "Crash" at the beginning. Unfortunately, it gets worse from there. Lots of shout-singing. I don't like it. Go away, Danny.

D-

Keith Urban – Long Hot Summer (Venti Mix) 4:31

Ooh, venti mix. Does that mean we get to hear lots of Keith shredding at the end? His timing is way off... hell, summer's even over here in the deep south. Keith's in his usual groove here... driving tune with a little banjo plucking in the background. Female friendly, anthemic. His schtick. Not memorable.

C

Craig Morgan – This Ole Boy 3:20

Craig probably stole this one from Blake Shelton. Sounds just like one of his sure-shot mindless hits. Okay, I suppose but I'm bored with this. Morgan better pray this catches on. He's teetering on the edge of being relegated to the Country Tailgate Tour with some 90's hat acts if he doesn't get a hit soon.

C-

Taylor Swift – Sparks Fly 4:19

Well, it sounds like a Taylor Swift song. Ms. Swift is most certainly NOT like a box of chocolates. She certainly knows how to craft a vaguely country pop tune that's sweet on the ears. Nothing more, nothing less. The gals 12-25 will love it.

C+

Blake Shelton – God Gave Me You 3:47

The least country song Shelton's ever put out (maybe aside from "Home?"). It's a fairly catchy power ballad, but it's also pretty standard fare aimed at the soccer mom demographic. It's a radio programmer's wet dream.

C-

Tyler Farr – That’s What They’re Bitin’ On 2:31

Rock riff. Attitude. Testosterone. The gates are open, y'all. The Aldean copycats are lined up from here to Athens and Nashville's herding them in. No thank you.

D-

Alan Jackson – Long Way to Go 3:39

I want to like this a lot more than I actually do. It's not bad, mind you, but it sounds like too many AJ songs that came before it. Still, you can't complain too much about "Long Way to Go" filling up airspace that might otherwise be dedicated to some up and coming pop country poser.

B-

Billy Ray Cyrus – Runway Lights 3:40

If BRC had chosen some better songs throughout his career, he could have been a lot more than a punch line. He's got a strong, distinctive voice that deserves good material. This is a military-related tune, but for the most part, it doesn't dip too far into the flag-waving of most songs of this ilk. It's personal and relateable. It's also got a heavy Springsteen vibe. Not bad.

B

Martina McBride – I’m Gonna Love You Through It 3:44

Yay, another cancer song. Well, this is country music after all. Martina sounds good here, though kinda Leann Rimes-esque in spots. Hmm, just remembered October is breast cancer awareness month. That's a great cause but the calculated release time rubs me wrong. The overwroughtness also.

C

Ashton Shepherd – Where Country Grows 3:11

I love Ashton's voice and the fact that she's very traditional sounding. However, I can't be a hypocrite here. This is YET ANOTHER COUNTRY LISTING SONG. Sigh.

C+

Steel Magnolia – Without You 3:26

Did this accidentally get put on here when it was actually intended for the Adult Contemporary promo only disc? I half expect Sting or Train to come on next. This is pleasant enough, I suppose but just not what I want out of country radio. This group lacks excitement.

C-

Jeff Bridges – What A Little Bit of Love Can Do 3:35

This sounds different than the crap he's put out lately. Oh... Jeff Bridges.. not Jeff Bates. My bad. Catchy, bouncy, cool song. I love this but it's pointless sending it out to radio. Nashville likes glitter not gruffness.

A

Johnny Patton – Save the Jukebox 2:58

Ooh, this is a throwback. Sounds like a cross between Johnny Paycheck and Billy Joe Shaver. You could tell me it was recorded in the 70's and I'd believe you. Good stuff! No chance at radio, but we can dream.

B

David Adam Byrnes – She Only Wanted Flowers 3:47

Sounds like something from the 90's from the start. That's a good thing. Good voice, cool harmonies with another male voice. I dig this. Guys like this and Justin Haigh give me hope. Thumbs up.

B+

Jim Quick – Down South

Delbert McClinton-esque. It's pretty catchy, but way too standard bar band fare to ever make it to the radio. Production is a weak suit here too.

C-