Aussie Country Day

My apologies to my Australian readers (all 2 of you!) for my likely misuse of slang and whatnot. I did the best I could with a Wikipedia education. Thanks to Twitter follower Seven Shells Media for the idea for this theme day!

Repost of an Again Relevant Rerun

Gloriana Parody

I'm sorry. That's about all I can say to you regarding the following parody lyric. I wouldn't write so many parodies about gastrointestinal issues, if so many country hits didn't have the word "heart" in the title.

I'll make it up to you tomorrow with "Aussie Country Day" - 13+ parody album covers of all Australian country artists (and one guy from New Zealand).

Okay, proceed no further if you have class or a sensitive gag reflex. Or do, it's your keyboard.

Violent Farts

(A parody of Gloriana's "Wild at Heart")

Downed a sackload

Wet, hot chitlins

Felt my insides slippin' greased and wild

I ripped one

Pants came undone

Stomach clenched and the stench was so vile

I've never been one to go half-ass

So the next one came out twice as fast

This one hurt so bad I nearly cried

Down there my guts are bindin'

Typhoons they brew behind me

Hell bent on racin' down that dumpy ride

Darlin' if you're smart, you'll listen

You'd better keep your distance

I got that somethin' baby,

Violent farts

About midnight, Mylanta

But a chill runs down my spine

See my stomach, it's expandin'

It's really gonna blow this time

Stick your hand into my back pocket

If you want it to fly like a rocket

My new pair of Levi's are defiled

(Chorus)

O-oh, that ain't right

Pepto Bismol can't fight what's yet to come

O-oh, that ain't right

Got the devil's wind coming out of my bum

(Chorus) x2

They've got me hunching baby,

Violent farts

O-oh, all night

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #13

Clichés, smichés. They're well known because they're true. Get as famous as me, and you can write whatever trite, overused themes and lines in a song you danged well care to. If you want to put in a line about a "mansion on a hill" or "crankin' Hank" or have grandpa give some advice just before he breathes his last Marlboro tinged breath while seraphim are circling over his friggin' head just before the final chorus, do it. Well, not you... but me. I can.

*Not actually written by John Rich.

Drunk old men in bars = our greatest philosophers?

This is a satirical lyrical take on all the "old man/drunk old man in a bar imparts great knowledge upon a young man having love troubles" songs. I'm looking at you "People are Crazy."

What the Old Man Said

Was on the outs with my lady
So I checked myself into a bar
Ordered up a seven and seven
Set fire to a Cuban cigar
Old drunk struck up conversation
Asked "What are you here to forget?"
So I told him of all my problems
And this is what the old man said

These days I wear diapers
Cause I can't hold it in
Spongebob is my hero
Sweet taters make me grin
Women, they's all bitches
Now Jack Daniels is my girl
I believe in UFO's
Oh, think I'm gonna hurl

I pondered on his thoughtful words
Smiled at the wisdom therein
Ordered up a seven and seven
For my philosophical friend
He talked the new world order
And how he wished his name was Ted
Then I noticed a tear in his eye
And this is what the old man said

I like to play Atari
Global cooling is a scam
Yes I wear a Speedo
When I slice deviled ham
Jack Ingram is my savior
Could you scoot your stool up close?
Penis rhymes with Venus
Would you butter my rye toast?

Bridge
I never saw that old man again
Till the day I heard he was dead
He'd left me a note, some nugget he wrote
And this is what the old man said

"Bye"

©2009 Corey Parkman

YouTube Gems: Son Volt

Country Day Bonus Track and a Sneak Peek

Here's a first.... a reader submitted parody cover! Ten Pound Hammer gets the cred for this 'un - thanks TPH! After that is a screen shot of my "new covers" folder that shows a sneak peek of country days to come. Fun Fun Fun!

Country Day: August

Reba Parody

This Friday is Country Day: August featuring 17 new parody covers which include Gloriana, Rascal Flatts and Brad Paisley. For today, here's a lyrical parody of Reba's "Strange."

Skank

(Parody of Reba's "Strange")

He rolled out feelin' good about himself

His Ed Hardy t-shirt

True Religion jeans, yeah pimped out

At the spot with his good friends, chasin' some sex

Jager for starts

Had a fine lady befriended

He got himself a piece

Proud of himself until the a.m.

Skank, talk about suck, he woke up

With a ho' beside him

Skank, he better see the doc, have a talk

Get a test to see if he's contagious

He got tanked, drunk lust

Skank

Thinks he lost his mind to spend the night with that wreck

He damn sure regrets it

She smells like Camels

And her tattooed face ain't quite as sexy

As it was last night

After way too many drinks

Chained and pierced, this can't be good

Better get lost, he's wasting time

Skank, talk about suck, he woke up

With a ho' beside him

Skank, He better see the doc, have a talk

Get a test to see if he's contagious

He's ashamed, so much

Skank

Skank

Skank, talk about suck he woke up

With a ho' beside him

Skank, he better she's contagious

He got tanked, drunk lust

Skank

Skank, talk about scared he woke up

With a wild coyote

Skank, skank

What's under Trent's Doo-rag?

FTM has received an exclusive shot of Trent Tomlinson sans bandana. Now we know why he keeps that lettuce under wraps!

Fantasy Football Teams of the Country Stars

Fantasy football seems to get more and more popular every year. With the NFL season just around the corner, even some country stars have gotten into the act. FTM got ahold of the team names and logos from several of Nashville's biggest acts. See if you can match up the fantasy football team logo/name on the left to the team's owner on the right. Click on this link for a better view. Check your answers here!

So Brooks & Dunn's done...

After 20 years, B&D are calling it quits. It's not like Kix gets any run in the first place...

31 Country Music Themes: 15-17

Odds & Ends

Joe Diffie Parody

Here's a funny parody from new contributor Bobby Joe!

Note from BJ: Apologies to Kerry Kurt Phillips and Howard Perdew, writers of the fine hit by Joe Diffie, "Pickup Man."
Stickup Man
(©2009 BobbyJoe parody lyric)

Well, I got my first Glock when I was ten
Robbed a lemonade stand with a friend
Hauled booty and ran and thought twice before
I robbed a golden-tooth pimp and his fav'rite whore
She tried to bribe me with a flash and he said, "Dude, understand
There's just something po-lice hate about a stickup man"

When I turned sixteen, I jacked a car for a thrill
My first ride was a Coup Deville
I was cruisin' the town and the first freak I seen
Was Juicy Jo Johnson, the neighborhood queen
He flagged me down with his polished nail hands, and said
"I never knew you were a stickup man"

(Chorus):
You ought to hear it fire, man, it makes them run
I wouldn't even trade it for an Uzi gun
It's got a ten-round clip that's always easy to change
You know, if it weren't for cops, I'd always get my way
I spend my time out on the lam
There's just something po-lice hate about a stickup man

Most Friday nights, I can be found
Chasin' freaky young things down at Lee Roy's Lounge
While out on the street, my ol' homeboy Son
Well, he's casing joints for a midnight run
I always got my radio tuned to po-lice band
'Cause there's just something po-lice hate about a stickup man

(Chorus):
You ought to hear it fire, man, it makes them run
I wouldn't even trade it for an Uzi gun
It's got a ten-round clip that's always easy to change
You know, if it weren't for cops, I'd always get my way
I spend my time out on the lam
There's just something po-lice hate about a stickup man

(Bridge):
A job with low pay or a rapper's bling dreams
One squeeze of my Glock and you'll know what I mean

(Chorus):
You ought to hear it fire, man, it makes them run
I wouldn't even trade it for an Uzi gun
It's got a ten-round clip that's always easy to change
You know, if it weren't for cops, I'd always get my way
I spend my time out on the lam
There's just something po-lice hate about a stickup man

Yeah, there's something po-lice hate about a stickup man

YouTube Gems: George Jones

Kellie Pickler Can Count to Three

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #12

The hook is the thing. It needs to be strong, rememorable and marketable. Especially that last thing. If you ain't got a sharp hook, you ain't got shee-it. My hooks have brought me great wealth and that has led to great refinement and sophistication. #1 songs, hoochie mamas, fur coats, you name it, I've had it, I'll get it or I don't want it. It's also good to have a nice right hook when you're in my position of superiority. Sometimes you gotta keep fools in check.

Fun With Charts & Graphs: ZBB

Click for a closer view.

Billy Currington "People Are Crazy" Lyric Parody

People Are Lazy

(Parody of Billy Currington's "People Are Crazy")

Me and this old fart

At this run down redneck bar

Were shootin' us some bull and

Drinkin' too much beer

Laughin', talkin' sh*t

Pointing out the ugly chicks

Makin' fun of hicks and

Being a couple of dicks

We talked about this town

It's old and falling down

The water is smelly brown,

God's ashamed, beer is good and people are lazy

He said "I've dodged a war,

Six times I've got divorced"

What put you on welfare roles?

I belched "Damn if I know"

We talked bout the President

How he's stealin' every cent

We can't pay trailer rent

And still afford to get bent

We pondered the Bachelorette

Over some cigarettes

Cussin' how football ain't started back yet

Oh, God's ashamed, beer is good and people are lazy

Last call was 2:00am

We both threw up and then

I never saw that dude again

Till just yesterday

I saw the old fart's face

Up on a big billboard

For not payin' his child support

And right next to him was me

"Bitch turned me in" I swore

Yeah, I was mad as hell

I can't pay, I been in jail

So I left town today

Going the Greyhound way

And guess who I ran into in seat 5-A

(and he had a six pack with him!)

You know, God's ashamed, beer is good and people are lazy

God's ashamed, beer is good and people are lazy

God's ashamed, beer is good and people are lazy

Fun With Charts & Graphs: Jamey Johnson's Beard

Click for a closer view.

31 Country Music Themes: 10-14

I neglected to post any country themes last week, so here's a double scoop.

Refer to this entry for the explanation if you haven't checked these out before.

Odds & Ends Xtra Large

YouTube Jams: The Leprechaun Rap

I don't wanna doubly exploit people acting a fool so I'll let you look up the original news story that led to this for yourself (if you haven't seen it already - I'm a little late). It's hilarious and this rap remix is hilarious-er. You might even get it stuck in your head.