Showing posts with label Gloriana. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gloriana. Show all posts

Aug 20, 2019

Local Man Arrested for Destruction of Pop-Country Playing Jukebox

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, May 18, 2011 
Local bowler and country music fan Reginald Spears, 46, has been arrested for destruction of property at an area bowling alley. Last Saturday at 9:15 PM, Spears was taken into custody for destroying the facility's jukebox with his 17 pound black-speckled Brunswick ball. 

Released on bail, Mr. Spears sat down and spoke with FNN correspondent Trailer about the events that had transpired on the previous Saturday. 

"Well, it goes like this," started Spears. "I was about to bowl my first 300 game; I was down to my final muthaf***ing frame and you know what come on the jukebox? F***ing Glory-anner. I'd dealt with Jason Aldean, Tim McGraw and Taylor Swift through 10 freaking perfect rolls, but that 'Wild at Heart' song just jerked me out of my zone… I went right in the gutter, g**dammit!" 

"My name is not on a little wooden plaque at the Southpaw Lanes because of a damn show choir!!" raged Reginald. "My blood started boilin' in the sixth set when somebody played that dirty sumb*tch Kid Rock, but I let it slide with the help of some cold, sweet High Life…" 

Missing out on the first perfect game cranked Reginald into an unbridled fury. Witness reports have him cursing at a high volume before retrieving his ball from the return. He walked semi-calmly to where the change machine and jukebox rest against the south wall before going into his locally revered wind-up. 

"He bowled a strike on that one!" laughed Percy Garvin, local 205 average bowler. "I gave him a high five. I hate country music! Why can't anybody around here ever order up some Clarence Carter?" 

Spears' shot hit squarely in the middle of the "new fangled" digital jukebox, smashing two speakers and the hard drive, ending the evening's musical accompaniment. Insurance adjusters called it a total loss, valuing the jukebox at $1250.35. 

"I smiled in the mug shot… Hell, I'm proud of what I did," said a defiant Mr. Spears. "I struck a blow against mainstream country and against that dumb*ss drunk sorority girl who paid half a dollar to hear crap." 

Reginald Spears has been banned from Southpaw Lanes and removed from the local league, prompting this response from the accused: "I don't give a fried f**k; I'm going into golf now. That's the only other sport you can drink while you play." 

May 15, 2012

OMG Reviews: Gloriana - (Kissed You) Good Night

by Brittany Fant, 14-year-old music fan and aspiring reviewer

I. Love. This. Song!!!  Such a swweeeettttt romantic song about a goodnite kiss! OMG, I can't wait till my daddy says I'm old enough 2 date!!!!! I mean, I've kissed a few times. Not with my new BF yet though, well just lips. He's got a learner's permit, but my dad won't let me ride with him. My mom's just like "whatever." She watches The Bachelor too much. She was just shaking her head and saying "an egg?" when I tried to ask about going 2 see Battleship this weekend. Anyway, this song…. such a good harmony or whatever you call it. They sound so good together. And the boys are cute too, so that's a BIG PLUS! I think they used to have another girl but they kicked her out or something. Maybe they'll kick the other one out so it's just 2 hotties! But don't be jealous Hunter Hayes, I'm saving myself for our marriage day!!!! Maybe we can play this song at our reception! Well, that wdnt rly make sense but still.. it's that SWEET! I'm not sure the band could still b called Gloriana if it was just two boys tho. That sounds a little too gay, but don't take that wrong! I totally support gay marriage! I bet gay guys like this song too!!!! Who wouldn't??????? I LOVE YOU HUNTER HAYES IF YOU SEE THIS, COMMENT ON THE REVIEW AND LEAVE YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!

5 Heart Hands!

Apr 26, 2011

Snap Judgments: Promo Only Country Radio May 2011

May means nearly summer, and you know what that means. Country music puts on its flip-flops and cutoffs and gets into recycling (themes and sounds). And let me level with you: I'm finding it harder and harder to trifle with this bullsh*t month after month. I hope you appreciate the depths of despair, tedium and annoyance I go through to bring this review to you semi-monthly. The more I do it, the further I feel my mind slipping into some black pit of insanity. No "A's" and no "F's" this go round, just a lot of mediocrity. Here we go! (click the song titles to listen)

Steve Azar - Hard Road
Steve continues on his laid back bluesy path, banking on the success of the similar sounding "Sunshine" for this to be his new groove. I love the fact that he's gone with a more organic sound that compliments his true upbringing. It's not your everyday Clearchannel material and for that, Steve deserves kudos. All that said, this is not overly engaging, and the nonsensical "ahhooof" sounds he makes repeatedly on this track border on water torture.

Walker Hayes - Why Wait for Summer?
I know, right? Why wait for Summer to start pissing me off with summer songs? Listen: Being a gainfully employed 36 year old living in the deep south, I hate summer. It's hot as Rosie O'Donnell's armpit so I sweat a lot and my car wants to overheat every day and I don't get off work, I have to mow weekly and gas prices rise, and …well, you get the point. I'll stop ranting. This song is about having fun, despite it not actually being summer. They plan to fool the general country-music-buying-public into singing along from May through July because it has the word "summer" in it. Who knows if it will work? I'm not the target demographic. All I know is I don't want to hear this anymore.

Martina McBride - Teenage Daughters
…in which she admits drinking and being old. Not old, necessarily, but older than either Reba or her boobs would ever confess being. This is a catchy pop-country tune that tackles the difficulties of parenthood and sentimentalism towards the teen years in one heartfelt swoop. Pretty good tune.

Frankie Ballard - A Buncha Girls
Take last year's summer misfires, throw in a few different key words, please the female demographic and here's your result. Blah.

Ashley Gearing - Five More Minutes
Carrie Underwood redux. In fact, I thought it was her at first. Good voice, but she needs to find her own personality. The vocals, the theme, the pop-country arrangement…down to the letter, this is Carrie 2.

Sunny, easy-rolling country-pop. There's an obvious concerted attempt to sound more country for the guy-girl group this time out… fiddle, acoustics, even some steel, but the song itself is lacking. There's very little substance, nor is there much of a lyrical hook. Their harmonies are supposed to pull up the slack, but it's not happening.

Greg Templeton - I Could Be the One
I could be the one to fall asleep listening to this. His voice is reminiscent of Dierks Bentley's, but this tune is reminiscent of every other potboiler I've ever heard on one of these comps. Dull as a butter knife.

Bradley Gaskin - Mr. Bartender
Travis Tritt reincarnated. What? Oh. I just haven't seen him around. Well, uh… he sounds a lot like Travis. Decent neo-traditional song. It's probably too drink-centric to be a big hit though.

The Janedear Girls - Shotgun Girls
Another summer song. Surprised? I guess it's catchy. Lovely harmonies... or whatever. Willie and Merle just got mentioned. Somebody put a steel toe boot into my backside. There are two songs that mention "dashboard drumming" on this compilation. Just FYI. Make it stop.

Heidi Newfield - Stay Up Late
Here's the latest track from former Trick Pony lead singer, Heidi Newfield. She doesn't want to go out on the town, she just wants to stay home and listen to Darius Rucker's "Alright" and drink wine and eat spaghetti and do it all night. You know? This is honestly better than most of the rest of stuff on this promo. It's got a Bonnie Raitt feel to it. The hook is nice (go to bed early and stay up late). What the heck…

River Road - Good Things
Surprise, surprise… another decent song. It's a story song about a couple who marries early, births early and yada yada. Another decent hook (sometimes good things come to those who can't wait). It's got a laid back 90s feel to it. Nothing new, but it stands above most of this drivel.

Little Big Town - The Reason Why
I'd like to know the reason why I keep downloading these things. I actually don't hate Little Big Town, but this sounds like Gloriana, who I do hate. High school vocal choir schlock. Of course the vocals and harmonies are spot on, but that's eye shadow on a goat (lipstick on a pig was too easy).

Kenny Chesney - Live a Little
Kenny's got enough goodwill built up among fans and radio to throw out a true clunker now and then. Here it is, in its "perfect for mom to roll down the windows and sing along to while taking kids to baseball and ballet" glory (?). (s)Hit-bound for sure. (Update - It's already hit #1... so why's it on the May comp???)

Tim McGraw & Gwyneth Paltrow - Me and Tennessee
I use up way too many derogatory terms and put-downs in these Promo Only reviews. They're bound and determined to run me out of snark, one month at a time. Gwyn's voice isn't that bad really. This song's pretty freakin' annoying though. The refrain of "together we're singing, forever we're singing" is nails on a chalkboard bad. I'll just go back to an old favorite retort: This sucks.

Billy Ray Cyrus reincar…. never mind. He sounds a lot like the king of mullets for sure though. I think some of my blogging compadres dig this. Not sure I do. MOR country rock. Background music.

Eden's Edge - Amen
Snap judgment before it starts, based on their name: girl/guy vocal choral group. Ooh, nice vocals. A little twang even. Not much soul once the chorus hits. Note to singers: if you ask for an "amen," you gotta have a little grit in your voice like you just ate collard greens. A lot of potential in this group and the song… but sadly unrealized. I was wrong with my pre-judgment, it's a girl group… and lead vocalist girl needs to hit a few blues dives before singing her next song with gospel overtones. Too honky for this honky.

Solemn opening. Wow, there's actually some melody in the chorus. It's pretty moving to the part of my soul that hasn't grown dark yet. They remind me of Emerson Drive a little. Strings now. This is the part where tears are supposed to well up in the corners of my hazel blue eyes. Nope, didn't happen. Not a bad song overall. Pop country with a little more heart than I'm used to from that sub-genre.

Johnny Patton - Phone in Heaven
Bringing up the rear…good morning Jesus, can I talk to mama? This guy sounds a little like The Possum. The arrangement even sounds like 80's Jones with a little more slickness. Stone country for the Taylor Swift generation. He doesn't have the chops of George (who does?), but if he did, and he cut loose a little more on the chorus, this might garner a higher grade than…

Aug 25, 2010

Country Doppelgängers 7

Rachel Reinert of Gloriana looks a little like Eva Mendes.

Jeff Bates w/soul patch looks a lot like Garth Bro... err, Chris Gaines.

Jeff w/o soul patch also looks like Matt Kennon or vice versa.

Uncle Kracker and Snow.


Nov 23, 2009

Top 10 Things People in AMA Audience Thought "Gloriana" Was Before The Group Won Breakthrough Artist

10. Particularly weak variety of weed

09. Next movie in the Twilight saga

08. New model of Bentley available only to rapper entourages

07. Perfume line sold exclusively at Big Lots

06. The climax of a fireworks display

05. Title of Mariah Carey's next comeback album

04. Trailer park Kid Rock lives in

03. Janet Jackson's line of nipple-cover jewelry

02. Jermaine Jackson's less flamboyantly named daughter

01. A rarely attempted sexual position involving a garden gnome and pancake syrup

Aug 18, 2009

Gloriana Parody

I'm sorry. That's about all I can say to you regarding the following parody lyric. I wouldn't write so many parodies about gastrointestinal issues, if so many country hits didn't have the word "heart" in the title.

I'll make it up to you tomorrow with "Aussie Country Day" - 13+ parody album covers of all Australian country artists (and one guy from New Zealand).

Okay, proceed no further if you have class or a sensitive gag reflex. Or do, it's your keyboard.

Violent Farts
(A parody of Gloriana's "Wild at Heart")

Downed a sackload
Wet, hot chitlins
Felt my insides slippin' greased and wild
I ripped one
Pants came undone
Stomach clenched and the stench was so vile

I've never been one to go half-ass
So the next one came out twice as fast
This one hurt so bad I nearly cried

Down there my guts are bindin'
Typhoons they brew behind me
Hell bent on racin' down that dumpy ride
Darlin' if you're smart, you'll listen
You'd better keep your distance
I got that somethin' baby,
Violent farts

About midnight, Mylanta
But a chill runs down my spine
See my stomach, it's expandin'
It's really gonna blow this time

Stick your hand into my back pocket
If you want it to fly like a rocket
My new pair of Levi's are defiled


O-oh, that ain't right
Pepto Bismol can't fight what's yet to come

O-oh, that ain't right
Got the devil's wind coming out of my bum

(Chorus) x2

They've got me hunching baby,
Violent farts
O-oh, all night


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