Country TwitterFAIL: June '17

Top 10 Things I'd Rather Watch Than the CMT Awards

The 2017 CMT Music Awards airs tomorrow night and features Jason Derulo and Luke Bryan,
Chris Lane, FGL & The Chainsmokers, Thomas Rhett, and lots of other bullshit like that, so...

Top 10 (Awful) Things I'd Rather Watch 
Than the CMT Music Awards

10. An old VCR tape from the late 80s where my little brother taped 

Care Bears over the last half of Headbangers' Ball

9. Chris Stapleton literally singing the entire Jackson, TN phone book

8. 3 hours of C-Span's online video archive without the aid of caffeine and if I doze off, it starts over

7. This over and over (warning: it's gross)

6. The English Patient

5. Col. Casper's entire video library
(He's a a loon who claimed Elizabeth Cook is into the occult and Tim McGraw is a member of the Illuminati, among other craziness)

4. Manimal

3. My own minor surgical procedure, while awake

2. Donald Trump and Charles Barkley having a debate about the best condiment

1. A Caillou marathon at full volume

That Sounds Horrible, CMT

Carl Outlaw Reviews The Chainsmokers (ft. FGL) - Last Day Alive

Carl Outlaw Reviews The Chainsmokers (ft. FGL) - Last Day Alive

Listen hear if your stupid: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6b6T0W3aLBg

What the shit, Trailer? Why don't you review this crap yourself and let me have the good music? Their's no excuse for it at all.

Well, this is a supposed "song" and it's by somebody called The Chainsmokers and our favorite dumbass duo, Florida-Georgia Line. I don't even know who the Chainsmokers are and that's not a lie. I looked at there picture and can tell they suck. Supposably, they do EPMD music or something like that. If it ain't made by a real by-God instrument, than it's not really music. There smoking something alright, but it's not a chain!

Whats funny is FGL is so pop country you can't even tell any difference I bet. Their better be a steal guitar in your song, if you want me to listen to it!! Theses stupid motherf***ers don't even know what real music is.

I'm not going to listen to this but I imagine its about living it up before you get old or some bullshit like that. As if we don't know that. But hell, I'd rather sit in a room slapping my balls together for eternity then to "live it up" if it includes listening to this song even one time. Their's probably a rapper part of this song to and Ive been saying this for a long time!! You know what you get when you mix country with rap... Crap.

Country singers, even if there fake country singers like Bray and Randy or whatever there names are, shouldn't sing with pop music people. Any country artist who's ever preformed with a pop artist in world history is not REAL DAMN COUNTRY. I don't care who it is. I'll stick with meral haggard.

In summary, this song sucks and so do you if you like it and so does Trailer for telling me to review it. This is what's wrong with America!  Hey, country singers, sing about cheating women, drinking whiskey, and driving 18 wheelers, and not about dancing around in you're tight jeans and polishing the chrome. If you know what I mean.

Monday Morning Memes: FGL, Luke Bryan, Coal Rollin'

You Haven't Heard the Worst Song Ever...Yet

Charlotte Man Has Nation's Unparalleled Worst Taste in Music

Based on data and records illegally obtained from Tidal, Apple Music, YouTube, Spotify, CIA, FBI, NSA and other organizations, we've determined that Charlotte, NC, man Rence Tomkins has the nation's worst taste in music. It's so unsparingly derelict in fact, that we had to check, recheck, and cross-reference names and numbers out of sheer disbelief that anyone could possibly seemingly ONLY enjoy songs and artists the general public shares a visceral distaste for.

Neither genre nor era stood in the way of this man's apparent actual enjoyment of songs that have been roundly dismissed and ridiculed by the majority of people with working auditory organs.

An inconceivable vortex of shitty music consumption, Tomkins' recent Spotify listens include Nickelback's "Something in Your Mouth," Tyga's "Rack City," and Luke Bryan's "That's My Kind of Night." This unicorn of dumpster-fire art enjoyment has also purchased Afroman's "Because I Got High," a Fergie album, and Starship's "We Built This City" from iTunes in the past 3 weeks.

According to Tomkins' somehow real and not hacked Facebook page, he, in 2015, traveled 2,400 miles by car to see Rusted Root, and plans this year to attend a Florida-Georgia Line show with openers Nelly, Backstreet Boys, and Chris Lane. His profile photo features Rence passed out in a chair, clad only in swimtrunks and a Creed t-shirt.

The unfeasibly disagreeable digital paper trail leads next to YouTube, where Tomkins can be found on his lunch breaks watching lyric videos from the putrid Soulja Boy or defending the tone deaf Kane Brown from "haters" in the comments section. He has thumbed up the ungodly likes of "Macarena," "Achy Breaky Heart," "Red Solo Cup," (Desiigner's) "Panda," and anything by the Black Eyed Peas.

Calls to Tomkins went unanswered but we did note that he still used a ring-back tone and that it was, obviously, Hoobastank. In a thorough review of literally every odious song he'd ever listened to online, only Poison's "Unskinny Bop" rose to the level of merely "really bad."

At press time, Mr. Tomkins was singing the Chainsmokers' "Closer" into a spatula in front of his Samsung Microwave.

If These Pop Hits Were Bro-Country

Ed Sheeran - Shape of You
Come over in that short skirt and holler at me
Those red cherry lips got me like wow
Take my hand, dance, to Luke Bryan on the jukebox
And then we go to the truck, and now I'm like what what

Chainsmokers ft. Halsey - Closer
So, hey girl, pull me closer
In the back seat of my Raptor
Migos rattling my Ford
Tribal tattoo on my shoulder

 

Migos - Bad and Boujee
Black top, truck stop (truck stop)
Turning in a field where the girls hot (hot hot)
Light up a bonfire, the party hop hop hop (hop)
Pass the Fireball, I want a shot (shot)

 

Lady Gaga - Million Reasons
Country girl in my Chevy, got one hand on the wheel
If you could see it my way, You'd let me grab a feel
Girl your fresh produce is always in season

 

The Weeknd - Starboy
I'm tryna get you in the right mood, yep
Riding cleaner than some new boots, yep
Those tan lines and eyes of blue, yep
Got me wanting to go screw, yep

 

Sam Hunt - Body Like a Back Road 

***no changes***
Got a girl from the south side, got braids in her hair
First time I seen her walk by, man I 'bout fell off my chair
Had to get her number, it took me like six weeks
Now me and her go way back like Cadillac seats