Showing posts with label Nickelback. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nickelback. Show all posts

Mar 15, 2017

Charlotte Man Has Nation's Unparalleled Worst Taste in Music

Based on data and records illegally obtained from Tidal, Apple Music, YouTube, Spotify, CIA, FBI, NSA and other organizations, we've determined that Charlotte, NC, man Rence Tomkins has the nation's worst taste in music. It's so unsparingly derelict in fact, that we had to check, recheck, and cross-reference names and numbers out of sheer disbelief that anyone could possibly seemingly ONLY enjoy songs and artists the general public shares a visceral distaste for.

Neither genre nor era stood in the way of this man's apparent actual enjoyment of songs that have been roundly dismissed and ridiculed by the majority of people with working auditory organs.

An inconceivable vortex of shitty music consumption, Tomkins' recent Spotify listens include Nickelback's "Something in Your Mouth," Tyga's "Rack City," and Luke Bryan's "That's My Kind of Night." This unicorn of dumpster-fire art enjoyment has also purchased Afroman's "Because I Got High," a Fergie album, and Starship's "We Built This City" from iTunes in the past 3 weeks.

According to Tomkins' somehow real and not hacked Facebook page, he, in 2015, traveled 2,400 miles by car to see Rusted Root, and plans this year to attend a Florida-Georgia Line show with openers Nelly, Backstreet Boys, and Chris Lane. His profile photo features Rence passed out in a chair, clad only in swimtrunks and a Creed t-shirt.

The unfeasibly disagreeable digital paper trail leads next to YouTube, where Tomkins can be found on his lunch breaks watching lyric videos from the putrid Soulja Boy or defending the tone deaf Kane Brown from "haters" in the comments section. He has thumbed up the ungodly likes of "Macarena," "Achy Breaky Heart," "Red Solo Cup," (Desiigner's) "Panda," and anything by the Black Eyed Peas.

Calls to Tomkins went unanswered but we did note that he still used a ring-back tone and that it was, obviously, Hoobastank. In a thorough review of literally every odious song he'd ever listened to online, only Poison's "Unskinny Bop" rose to the level of merely "really bad."

At press time, Mr. Tomkins was singing the Chainsmokers' "Closer" into a spatula in front of his Samsung Microwave.

Dec 23, 2013

If ____ Wrote a Christmas Song 2013

If Brandy Clark Wrote a Christmas Song
Her husband cooked the turkey dry
And she ran out of Karo for pecan pie
and mama's arguing with daddy
So she rolled herself a fatty 

If Dallas Davidson Wrote a Christmas Song
You can be my Mrs. Claus
Big ol' present in short red draws
Climb up in my Chevy sleigh
Hand me a beer this Christmas day

If Megadeth Wrote a Christmas Song
From his fortress of white arctic doom
A fearsome man in a blood red suit
He's comin' for you
Incorruptible, indestructible
Riding on a neutron sleigh
Horned monsters pulling through the gray
He is on the way, ha ha haaaa

If Nickelback Wrote a Christmas Song
(You naughty girl)
You're dancing round the fireplace honey
(You dirty thing)
You shake your fruitcake for everyone
(You're such a bad girl)
I love how you have gifts for everybody
(So generous)
And tease them all by pulling on your bows
You're so much cooler when you give that thing a lick
Cause you look so much cuter sucking on a peppermint stick

If Kanye Wrote a Christmas Song
Hurry up with my damn presents
Don't act like I'm a damn peasant
Santa, watch me and take a lesson
I am a god


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