Even if you hadn’t listened to it, this would be your #1. Even if it was terrible, this would be your #1. Even if Miranda slapped your step-dad and keyed your Altima, this would be your #1.
Even if you hadn’t listened to it, this would be your #1. Even if it was terrible, this would be your #1. Even if Beyonce besmirched your mother and keyed your Nissan Leaf, this would be your #1. You either write for a hipsterish music site or are a full time Beyonce stan.
You are a former bro-country fan who finally graduated from the community college after 5 years. The pickup truck your dad bought you in 11th grade is long in the tooth but it still gets you to the construction site. You still do mostly the same things in your spare time that you’ve done since 11th grade, but the soundtrack is better now. You read a little poetry, but don't tell your friends about it.
You are the same as the Zach Bryan fan above, but in your first year of community college, which you will never graduate. You claim you were never into bro-country, but there are t-shirts in your chest of drawers that would prove otherwise. You can’t hold down a part time job because weed.
You are a pot head, but it doesn’t matter because you are the HR person or business owner. You drive a 1998 Ford F-150 and people assume you are secretly wealthy. That would be true if you didn’t spend it all on shows, pot, and weaponry.
You’re shitting me, right?
Top 10 New Year’s Resolutions for Koe Wetzel Fans
-------
10. Get serious for their 9th year of community college
9. Complete the full collection of Pit Vipers
8. Get a tattoo to cover up that seemingly permanent groin rash
7. Get LED bars put on both jet skis
6. Continue boycotting those motherf***king b***hes at the p***y ass Great Texas Balloon Race
5. Not wear wife beater to the job interview next time
4. See the doctor about this dark yellow pee
3. Not get anybody pregnant at LTJ fest this year
2. Wrestlemania. Jerry World. Both nights.
1. Jack Daniels, Taco Bell, Hangover + raging shits, Repeat
———
~By Trailer with some input from someone who could dance that slow Uvalde shuffle
