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Record Store Looted, Luke Bryan Albums Untouched

Portland’s Portobello Records near Laurelhurst Park was ransacked and looted on Thursday night during the ongoing protests and unrest occurring in the city. The store was reported to be nearly a total loss. 

Owner Jason Anderson reported damages in upwards of $67,000. Shelves were overturned, walls were vandalized, records were stolen, Five Finger Death Punch t-shirts were burned, and the cash register was emptied of its entire $1.45. 

“They left every single CD and vinyl record of Luke Bryan untouched though,” laughed Anderson. “Usually we just sell those to tourists anyway, but he’s not thaaat bad, right?” He told us there was even a polite letter scrawled in blood on the Bryan records that said simply “No thanks.”

Besides the country hunk’s records, every other CD, cassette tape, vinyl, and even a few 8-tracks were stolen from Portobello. That includes Creed, Nickelback, Soulja Boy, Hoobastank, Lil Xan, LMFAO, 6ix9ine, Puddle of Mudd, and even Coldplay. “I could have resold a lot of leftovers on eBay or some other secondary market, but I mean, if they wouldn’t even steal Luke Bryan albums, I guess they’re worthless,” said Anderson, rummaging through the debris.

“Oh, actually here are a few other records they didn’t take,” said Anderson, finding a full crate under some rubble. “Florida-Georgia Line, Dustin Lynch, Thomas Rhett… weird.” 

The looters, believed to be one group pretending to be Antifa and another group pretending to be right wingers, both intending to frame the other, were not identifiable in store security footage. If you have information that could lead to an arrest in the case, contact Portland Crimestoppers. 

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Little Known Facts: September '14

Lefty Frizzell was ambidextrous.

Creed's Scott Stapp considered making a country album but decided

against it because "the scene is just too douchey right now."

For every number 1 single Rascal Flatts has Gary Levox

celebrates by literally adding a notch to his belt.

Due to his reputation for making subpar music Chris Gaines decided

to make his comeback under the stage name Garth Brooks.

Justin Moore started singing country music after his "little luchador"

career ended with a mis-timed hurricanrana.

Thanks to quick actions from a bystander who applied pressure to the wound,

the man Johnny Cash shot in Reno lived until 2007.

Taylor Swift says she hasn't dated in over a year, so her next album

will be entirely about collecting cats and eating Blue Bell by the quart.

Little Big Town is a bad good band.

Each year, Lee Greenwood goes into hibernation

from November 12 through the last Sunday in May.

Sam Hunt is so country, he once got barbecue sauce on his vintage mesh yellow polo.

Jason Brown changed his name to Colt Ford to avoid being confused with his younger brother Chris Brown.

Despite FTM's constant jokes, Brantley Gilbert has only tried meth once and he didn't like it.

(Then he tried it 64 more times and didn't like it any of those times either.)

On the grounds of Toby Keith's Norman, OK farm/estate, there is a life-sized bronze statue of Toby Keith.

By Trailer and Jeremy Harris

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Farcie Awards: Worst Comeback

It was like "Revenge of the 90's" in this category as four 90's "favorites" took on much maligned and much marijuana'd diva Whitney Houston. But, oh hell to the naw, Miss Houston stood no chance against Mr. Stapp and company. Way to go, Creed!