Showing posts with label Soulja Boy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Soulja Boy. Show all posts

Jul 24, 2020

Record Store Looted, Luke Bryan Albums Untouched

Portland’s Portobello Records near Laurelhurst Park was ransacked and looted on Thursday night during the ongoing protests and unrest occurring in the city. The store was reported to be nearly a total loss. 

Owner Jason Anderson reported damages in upwards of $67,000. Shelves were overturned, walls were vandalized, records were stolen, Five Finger Death Punch t-shirts were burned, and the cash register was emptied of its entire $1.45. 

“They left every single CD and vinyl record of Luke Bryan untouched though,” laughed Anderson. “Usually we just sell those to tourists anyway, but he’s not thaaat bad, right?” He told us there was even a polite letter scrawled in blood on the Bryan records that said simply “No thanks.”

Besides the country hunk’s records, every other CD, cassette tape, vinyl, and even a few 8-tracks were stolen from Portobello. That includes Creed, Nickelback, Soulja Boy, Hoobastank, Lil Xan, LMFAO, 6ix9ine, Puddle of Mudd, and even Coldplay. “I could have resold a lot of leftovers on eBay or some other secondary market, but I mean, if they wouldn’t even steal Luke Bryan albums, I guess they’re worthless,” said Anderson, rummaging through the debris.

“Oh, actually here are a few other records they didn’t take,” said Anderson, finding a full crate under some rubble. “Florida-Georgia Line, Dustin Lynch, Thomas Rhett… weird.” 

The looters, believed to be one group pretending to be Antifa and another group pretending to be right wingers, both intending to frame the other, were not identifiable in store security footage. If you have information that could lead to an arrest in the case, contact Portland Crimestoppers. 

Mar 15, 2017

Charlotte Man Has Nation's Unparalleled Worst Taste in Music

Based on data and records illegally obtained from Tidal, Apple Music, YouTube, Spotify, CIA, FBI, NSA and other organizations, we've determined that Charlotte, NC, man Rence Tomkins has the nation's worst taste in music. It's so unsparingly derelict in fact, that we had to check, recheck, and cross-reference names and numbers out of sheer disbelief that anyone could possibly seemingly ONLY enjoy songs and artists the general public shares a visceral distaste for.

Neither genre nor era stood in the way of this man's apparent actual enjoyment of songs that have been roundly dismissed and ridiculed by the majority of people with working auditory organs.

An inconceivable vortex of shitty music consumption, Tomkins' recent Spotify listens include Nickelback's "Something in Your Mouth," Tyga's "Rack City," and Luke Bryan's "That's My Kind of Night." This unicorn of dumpster-fire art enjoyment has also purchased Afroman's "Because I Got High," a Fergie album, and Starship's "We Built This City" from iTunes in the past 3 weeks.

According to Tomkins' somehow real and not hacked Facebook page, he, in 2015, traveled 2,400 miles by car to see Rusted Root, and plans this year to attend a Florida-Georgia Line show with openers Nelly, Backstreet Boys, and Chris Lane. His profile photo features Rence passed out in a chair, clad only in swimtrunks and a Creed t-shirt.

The unfeasibly disagreeable digital paper trail leads next to YouTube, where Tomkins can be found on his lunch breaks watching lyric videos from the putrid Soulja Boy or defending the tone deaf Kane Brown from "haters" in the comments section. He has thumbed up the ungodly likes of "Macarena," "Achy Breaky Heart," "Red Solo Cup," (Desiigner's) "Panda," and anything by the Black Eyed Peas.

Calls to Tomkins went unanswered but we did note that he still used a ring-back tone and that it was, obviously, Hoobastank. In a thorough review of literally every odious song he'd ever listened to online, only Poison's "Unskinny Bop" rose to the level of merely "really bad."

At press time, Mr. Tomkins was singing the Chainsmokers' "Closer" into a spatula in front of his Samsung Microwave.

Feb 20, 2012

.99 Reviews: Lenny Cooper - Big Tires

The Peoples' Take:
(2 Stars)
Where is black and camo
by 755701General
Where I'd it dang

(4 Stars)
Black and camo
by Muddigger boyz#5
Where us black and cam

(3 Stars)
Black and Camo
by k,doff
I thought Black and Camo was on this album?
I really want this song.

My Take:
If Lenny Cooper had any hip-hop flow, the pathetic-ness of his lyrics might not be exposed so much. If Lenny Cooper had writing skills that produced lines better than "we take this serious, this ain't a game/it's trucks gone wild, man it's insane," his pedestrian flow might not be such an issue. If his voice were something remotely in need of being heard speaking about redneck stuff over dopey beats, both these things might possibly be overlooked. 

Unfortunately for Lenny Cooper, it's three strikes, you're out. There is nothing anywhere close to essential about this ode to monster truck tires and mudding. He's way too serious about having 54 inch tires and lift kits and truck shows to take him serious, even if his rap skills approached, say, Vanilla Ice. Yes, he's that bad.

I'll put it this way. He makes Colt Ford sound like Jay-Z. He makes Soulja Boy sound like 2Pac. He makes …me, sound at least as good as Soulja Boy. This man has no business behind a mic. Lenny Cooper is to rap what Garth Brooks is to anorexic. 

Lenny doesn't even have a bio on his record label's website.

I hate to bag on somebody who hasn't "made it" so to speak, but somebody out there thinks he's good enough to keep releasing his music… so, apparently somebody out there thinks he's good enough to purchase music from… so I have to let people know how bad he is. 

I'm doing Lenny a service here, dammit! He needs to know that there isn't a future in this. He needs to go back and get his GED. He needs to take a few courses at the vocational college. He needs to stop turning down overtime at the muffler repair shop. 

Rap isn't for you, Lenny. That's okay, buddy! It's not for me either and I've done just fine! I know you're trying to find your niche in the world. This is a journey every man and woman must take on their own. I'm just being helpful. Stop it, unfruitful ventures are not worth pursuing!

The song itself praises the virtues of …shit, just read the title. His Chevrolet can do all-nighters. He has the hammer down. He makes people say "Good Lord!" with his comically outsized mudders.

Hey, maybe that's your thing, Lenny. Open up a tire shop… a custom truck shop, sell accessories! Hell, you've already got a theme song! This could be big.

Your rap career, on the other hand… is just fodder for Farce the Music jokes.

Total Value: .20/.99 (it's worth 20 cents for unintentional humor, if nothing else)

The Checklist:
Hard Work
Name Dropping
Dying Person
County Fair
Lost Love
Hometown/Country Pride
Kindly Advice
Check mark symbolTruck
Check mark symbolLife Affirmation?
Pop Sheen
Star Power

Jun 13, 2011

Jan 1, 2011

10 Most Popular Posts of 2010

I'm copying Country California with this feature but so what? These are the 10 FTM posts that got the most traffic in 2010. What stands out the most to me is that there are ZERO of the monthly "Country Album Cover Days" in the Top 10... in fact, there were only a couple in the Top 30. I've actually known they weren't as big of a draw for a while now, but plan to continue to have monthly country days in the coming year. Farce the Music began exclusively as an album cover parodying blog, but had to evolve to grow. Apparently that growth has been successful, as 2010 was FTM's best year so far (in its short history) and Nov-Dec were its best months yet. Thanks for sticking with us as we evolve!

Top 10 FTM Posts of 2010:

Aug 11, 2010

Review Fails II

I like to review songs and album as much as the next blogger, but sometimes it's just more fun to sit back and let the (ir)regular music fans do it...
These are actual unedited iTunes customer reviews.

best song out
(5 Stars)
by mwilliams141414
This is the best song he's ever wrote, no questions asked!

Taylor Swift used to be good...
(1 Star)
...But now she has become terrible. No longer the next Lucinda Williams.


Carrie blows Tay out of the water!!
(1 Star)
by Carriegurll
Carried Underwood for life :)

Yall failures
(5 Stars)
by Ain't KnowBody Cares
Soulja boy tell em to me is i look at what he is doing i like to see people hate on artist it makes yall failures to yourself showin what yall lack on doin the way yall hate soulja boy keeps hittin da streets wit his swagg so keep your b******t to yourself and just enjoy keepin your mouth shut on artist who is makin money and just doin them

One of the Best!
(5 stars)
by Goodtunesfan
I have seen these guys live with Motley Crue and they are fantastic. If you where rating a band for being a BAND, then these guys are better than GNR ever where. The musician ship is un-herad of in this form of music. Great album and one of their best.

(1 Star)
by EminemRules27
Don't buy!!!


(1 Star)
by Lebron James#1
he is gay


I'd rather do meth then listen to this
(1 Star)
by me3955644354165
This is the worst cd ever created. I would rather put a small animal in my butt and let it crawl around then listen to this. Dont waste your money on this when u can buy cocaine on the corner and ruin ur body the same way this will. I would rather be thrown off a building and land on a wombat which tears out my eyes then listen to this.

Williams Riley - A Different Kind of Country
This is where Country music is going
(5 Stars)
by Dune Demon
Like it or not people this is where country music is going and its for the better if you ask me, there's finally some artists out there that are not afraid to step it up and take the genre to a new level that some of the old school country singers can't keep up with.. I grew up listening to Rock, Punk, Metal and Country and to be honest I didn't like country music for a very long time cause it was boring and all the songs were the same. ... I agree with the person that said there should be 2 Genres for Country music... one for "The same old country that remains to be boring" and one for "New and Exciting Country Music thats a pleasure to listen too"

(1 Star)
by Dustin shively
Why because the song makes no freakin sense they needed to make a better song

He deserves a second chance!!
(5 Stars)
by limaloser
...*Chris Brown is one of the greatest and sexiest artist alive who deserves a second chance! Forget about this woman beaterness- that's over! Appreciate good music!

(4 Stars)
by aworth18
C'mon fells good! Whatever you do at least make sure your download Adaliene. First naked girl I ever saw.....

(5 Stars)
by 95 South
It's so funny how many people H8. They say H8as make da world go round. LOL. I luv Jeezy keep doin you. H8as going H8 hell somebody gotta do it. They talked about Jesus you know da going talk about you. Let dat man do him & you jus do u.

Jun 23, 2010

.99 Reviews - Soulja Boy "Pretty Boy Swag"

Soulja Boy Tell'em @souljaboy
"Pretty Boy Swag"

The People's Take: (iTunes Reviews)

Hold up h8ters (jelous a bit??)
(5 Stars)
Ok this new album Dre is gonna nail it big time he has listend to you haters and now he's rapping buy this now I say 2milli is gonna kill everyone of y'all next single that's gonna come out is "do it big" kills everything on this track too so shut the F** up about he's not a rapper go hug a tree or sumthin cus this is 2010 right here and he's killing it. From were he came from crank that soulja boy to this it's pretty Much beast right here people!! BUY IT

(5 Stars)
all you haters should be ashamed of yourself. If you don't like it go listen to something else you racist no lifes!!! Go put in a gay rock album or something. leave soulja boy alone u make me sick.

PRETTY BOY SWAG is a good song if you don't like it don't click on it and waste valuable time trying to generate negative energy. no life racist.
-SODMG, Inc.

(1 Star)
this song is garbage. Sorry for being so nice about it, too. His 'flow' is essentially like a speech disorder which hinders him from making any sense whatsoever.

Ugly Boy Swag
(1 Star)
Worst rapper ever, dead or alive.

My Take:
Listen here (if you dare):
Before I'm called out as unqualified to review a rap song, while it's true I've never officially reviewed a hip-hop song, I'm a fan of good hip-hop. I like Jay-Z, K'naan, Nas, Game, old Snoop, OutKast, Mos Def, Dr. Dre, Beastie Boys, Public Enemy, 2Pac, Run DMC, Nappy Roots, Eminem, Tech 9ne, Krizz Kaliko, Ice Cube, Notorious BIG, Jedi Mind Tricks, Common, NWA, Eazy E, Cypress Hill and countless others. I think that makes me as qualified as anybody else without a job at Vibe, a music history or journalism degree. On to the review.

This alleged rap song begins with breaking glass then a ring tone-ish beep. That's par for the course with Soulja Boy, who is frequently called a ring-tone rapper by his haters. He goes to great lengths to prove them right with this hook-less drone of a hip-hop track that should have been left on the cutting room floor of even the most quickly tossed off mixtape. The "chorus" (which eats up a good 75% of the song) is an overly repetitive breathy recitation of self aggrandizement entirely lacking of memorable rhymes or even the scant shred of artistic worth. The beat would make Al Gore very happy though, it's recycled, and the beat it recycles is also recycled ∞.

There's nary a line in the song that elicits even the presumption that, one day, Mr. Tell'em might turn a clever phrase. He's got swag, girls are on his dick, they scream his name. Yep. For the explicit version, he curses at the calculated moments that can easily be scrubbed from the radio version. Dre (his name, and the name of his forthcoming million-selling drink coaster) is a product, plain and simple. He has a cult following of teen girls, disaffected suburban youth (read: whangstas) and possibly a few people with actual street cred who follow his Tweets with disturbing stalkerishness. He runs a veritable empire with his gaming website and all the merchandise related to him and his SODMG organization. Apparently, he's a good businessman or hype man. He is not a good rapper.

I'll bite a phrase from one of the iTunes reviewers: "His 'flow' is essentially like a speech disorder." That's not h8er hyperbole. Soulja Boy rides the rhythms like Willie Nelson on a weed bender. And his voice: nearly any drunk guy at the club or the karaoke bar this weekend could easily replicate this flow. Seriously. How he got into the "rap game" is beyond me. I won't say I could rap better - I have the rhythm of a blogger - but I bet most of you could. Seriously.

"Pretty Boy Swag" is chaff. Congratulations Soulja Boy Tell'em. You suck worse than Bucky Covington.

Total Value: .00/.99


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