Farce the Music: Freddy Fender

Aug 11, 2021

Top 10 Biggest Jerks in 70s Country

I can’t believe these jerks!

10. Olivia Newton-John

First person to say “country music has to evolve with the times.” Stands in the aisle as soon as the plane stops. (2022 update: RIP ONJ!)

9. Don Gibson

Made us all very sad with his forlorn ass songs. Did this on purpose.

8. Moe Bandy

Wore the “Bandy the Rodeo Clown” outfit to actual rodeos trying to pull buckle bunnies. Claims to be the most famous country singer from Meridian, Mississippi.

7. The Bellamy Brothers

Used the terrible pickup lines from their songs in real life. Used to throw used prophylactics out the window of their tour bus.

6. Freddy Fender

Only sang his two biggest hits as a 2 minute medley in concert. Used the rest of the time to perform Mexican dirges. Stomped out half smoked joints before asking if anybody wanted the rest.

5. Sonny James

Big timed everybody after he got his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. First artist to sell VIP meet & greets. Used both armrests in the movie theater even if someone was beside him.

4. Barbara Mandrell

Doesn’t mute background noise during Zoom meetings. Sent a CMA Entertainer of the Year award back because it only had her name engraved and not “Sweetheart of the Steel.” Makes her sisters sit at the kids’ table at holiday meals.

3. Kenny Rogers

Put tiny amounts of actual crack in his Kenny Rogers Roasters chicken to get people addicted. Was the first person referred to as “Mr. Steal Yo Girl.” Never replaced the toilet paper.

2. Crystal Gayle

Used that ultra long hair to ‘accidentally’ trip more than one up-and-coming opening act. Thinks she’s the best sibling from her family since she was the only one born in a hospital. Uses approximately 230 complimentary shampoo bottles to wash her hair when she’s at a hotel.

1. Mel Tillis

The stuttering was just an act for “branding.” After Coe left him out of “You Never Even Called Me By My Name,” Tillis spread the rumor that Coe did the Johnny Rebel albums. King of the SBDs. Was planning to record a hick-hop album before his passing.