“I was Childers fan from way back,” said Dew. “Until he got woke singing about black people on a mountain or some s***; that’s when I moved on.” Dew says he has checked back in on Childers’ work from time to time, just to see “if he’d come back to his senses” but was mostly just listening to oldies and indie-pop these days.
What happened next could not have been predicted by anyone, including Dew’s wife, mother, stylist, fitness trainer, or interior designer. “That damn coal miner video turnt me gay!” said Dew. “Before that, I was the straightest man alive, I loved sexual relations with my lovely wife, I loved a fresh pair of square toes, I loved pro wrestling!”
Dew told us he is speaking with attorneys about filing a lawsuit against Childers. “The first time I watched the video, I was confused about the feelings I was having,” related Dew. “By the 34th time, I figured out Tyler was using some kind of subliminal messages in the video to turn us all gay. I bet the WEF and the UN paid him.”
Dew said that was it; he knew. He spent a few days extensively researching information and photos on the internet before telling his wife. “She said she wasn’t that surprised,” frowned Dew. “But I said naw baby, it was Tyler! She thought Tyler was a dude I was seeing, but I explained it to her and she just said ‘sure hon’ and walked out.”
At press time, Pete Dew was Googling “rainbow Gadsden flag.”
——————
Please note that almost any time I use stereotypes, I am making fun of that stereotype.
