My Boss Just Pushed Me Over the Limit

3 Up, 3 Down: January '21

3 Up

Lainey Wilson - Things a Man Oughtta Know

First and foremost, this is a country song. It's a modern pop-country song, but it features organic instrumentation, country vocals, country imagery, and story-telling. There's listing, yeah, but it's used to the furtherance of the theme, revealing the message a little at a time. Good stuff, and highly impressive as a debut single. And it seems to be getting some traction.

B+

Carly Pearce - Next Girl

Clever hook, strong vocals, catchy melody, strong message. What's not to like? Carly is such a promising artist; I hope this is huge for her. 

B+

Eric Church - Hell of a View

A mid-tempo anthem in the vein of “Talledega” and “Springsteen,” this is another winner from Church. Hey guys in the category below: See! It’s possible to write a love song that isn’t whiny and tediously selling a supplicant viewpoint in a relationship. Be equals, you crybabies. Anyway, “Hell of a View” is catchy and poetic, and non-embarrassing.

B+

3 Down

Niko Moon - Good Time

I already said enough when I named this the worst ‘country’ song of 2020. It may qualify for 2021 too. It’s that bad. 

F

Cole Swindell - Single Saturday Night

Cole has done some moderately better work recently (not that the songs I actually like are ever released as singles) but this isn’t in that category. This starts off with all the sonic signifiers of boyfriend country and gets no better from there. Listless, forgettable, and cookie-cutter. “White Claw” brand name drop… is that the first in a hit song? Anyway, this sucks and it kinda feels desperate. 

D-

Parmalee & Blanco Brown - Just the Way

Another boyfriend country song, I’m seeing a theme. There is nothing whatsoever country about this song. It’s listless, forgettable, and cookie-cutter. And it’s so cloying and wimpy. Stop worshipping women. I mean, don’t worship men either, or any other gender. Who wants to be pandered to this damn much? It’s amazing that something so boring and bland can make me want to punch inanimate things to get my rage out. Crap. 

F

FGL Once Again Unites Divided America in Hatred of Their New Song

Against all odds, hit country duo Florida-Georgia Line has once again brought together a frayed United States of America. Despite differences of opinion on subjects that hold together the very fabric of democracy, citizens of this great country put aside their differences, if only for the amount of time they could stomach the song, to announce their unbridled hatred of the act’s latest release entitled “New Truck.”

Across social media, shared disgust and cries for decency rang out as the insipid hip-hop flavored pop-country turd filtered through the populace. Neither Donald Trump, nor Joe Biden, nor an actual Constitutional crisis could divide a thoroughly repulsed nation as they uniformly decried Brian Kelley and Tyler Hubbard’s two-and-a-half minute journey through hell.

“We’re better than this,” said Biden-voter Verna Jackson. “I know things are tough right now and some people are trying to ignore the people’s will, but I will join hands with Republicans to cleanse America of this threat to our sanity and sense of decorum.”

“They should be censored!” shouted anti-censorship activist Carl Wilberson. “While I’m okay with all sorts of ‘deviant’ and ‘dangerous’ art and speech being allowed in the public forum, this goes beyond the limits of human decency. They should be put on house arrest for life.”

“It's injurious to the republic,” said Republican Ginnie Marks. “I’ve become more open-minded to differing viewpoints and I understand that people have their own opinions and lifestyles, but this is just sickening.” She went on to say that she’d turn in a gun or two if the song could be banned and purged from existence. 

For a moment, all Americans stood upon a shining hill, arm in arm, neither ethnicity nor gender nor religion separating us in our shared sense of aversion. 

At press time, a Florida-Georgia Line fan who told Americans to “just not listen to it” had been taken into custody by the FBI.

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