Country Mash-Ups: Billie Eilish, Bart Crow, Big & Rich

Deleted Scenes From Country Videos 3

 (let them load all the way, some are large)

 (Tyler Childers - House Fire)

(Old Town Road)

John Rich's House Even Cooler Than You Thought

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, April 07, 2010 

When it comes to country superstar John Rich, even the home he lives in is controversial. Called an eyesore and a blight by "jealous neighbors," Mt. Richmore is even cooler than you might have imagined, says an anonymous source who has visited the well-equipped abode several times. 

This insider, who asked us to refer to him as Bart Mozart, says all the bright lights pointing away from Rich's home are for good reason. "It's so nosy-ass locals can't see all the cool sh** in there. Dude, they'd sh** a brick if they knew!" said Bart. 

We've all heard about the fully-stocked bar in the elevator, but that's just the tip of the awesomeness iceberg, according to Mr. Mozart. There are also mini-bars in each of the five bathrooms, another fully-stocked bar in the master bedroom and a wine locker the size of a football field directly underneath the house. In addition to those liquid amenities, Mt. Richmore's main bar (staffed by two bartenders and six buxom waitresses) also has a bar in its bathroom, and the pool table opens to reveal a beer vault. 

"John's even working on figuring out how to put a bar inside the bar; man, how f***ing cool is that? We figured out that you are never more 4 1/2 feet from a dose of refreshment," laughed Bart. "And we party like it's 1989... uh, I mean 1999, or whenever.." 

Behind the family room on the second story, Rich has built a full recording studio with enough room for an entire band with backing horns to rehearse or record crappy music at the same time. There is also a bar both in this studio and in the control booth, with Rich's own "Richmore Ale" on draft directly from the soundboard. 

One would think that so much potential drinking might lead to some accidents, but Bart says JR has planned for this. "Every room has a vacuum system built into the floor to suck up anything you spill, and the walls are made of a super strong polymer that's kinda soft to fall against but tough enough to withstand a brawl or a thrown vase, not that those things ever happen," informed Mozart. 

"Bart" went on to describe the pad's home theater (w/ bar), garage (x2), kitchen (yep) and dining room (sure), all designed with the most forward-thinking style, technology and accommodations for drinkers available on the market today. He also said to catch him on the latest season of Celebrity Fit Camp on VH1 - then he tried to retract that statement. 

In summary, Mt. Richmore is truly a marvel of western innovation. 

Cowboy Troy Wins PBR Air Force Invitational

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Friday, May 22, 2009 

Big & Rich compadre, country rapper and former Nashville Star co-host Cowboy Troy added another bullet point to his impressive resume Sunday, winning the PBR's "Air Force Invitational" Built Ford Tough Series event in Worcester, Mass. 

Troy, last name Coleman on his birth certificate, topped two-time Professional Bull Riders World Champion Chris Shivers and Brazilian superstar Guilherme Marchi's averages by more than 3 points to take his first prize in the esteemed event. 

"Booyah!" exclaimed Troy as he gently dismounted from his final 90+ point ride, Little Yellow Jacket, all but certain of his victory. Although the genial rapper's bullriding prowess was a well-kept secret up until his participation in the event, the final posted results came as no surprise to anyone who bore witness to his complete dominance of PBR favorites Pinball Wizard, Sling Blade and Pandora's Box. When asked if he was surprised by his win, Coleman smiled: "A little, I reckon, but shucks man, I've been riding and roping since I was a little buckaroo." 

Although Troy is an anomaly for the PBR circuit at well over six feet tall, he is surprisingly agile atop the monstrous animals, ducking smoothly with the bulls' bucks and keeping a low center of gravity. "He beats all I've seen" said North Carolina's JB Mauney. "Damnation he's good; ain't he had enough success in the music world? I play chicken with the trayeeeyain." 

Troy took home a brand new black 2010 Ford F-250 along with a $326,000 purse for his efforts. "Yeeeehaw! Oh you didn't know?" he yelled to the crowd before making his victory circle (pictured). "I got the skills that instill thrills like hydraulics on a Cadillac convertabill... gitchoosome!!!!" 

Troy, who parted ways with Warner Bros. Nashville in 2008, will reportedly use some of his winnings to finance a new indie "hick hop" album tentatively titled Say It Loud, I'm Country and I'm Proud for late 2009 release.

John Rich Nike Memes

This is completely unrelated to the politics of this matter - just satirizing the silliness.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #82

 Obviously, I've been getting a little jaded lately. I mean, Big Kenny and yours truly, the Rhinestone Redneck Playboy, are still putting it down (Check out our latest hit, "California!"), but things have slowed a bit on the songwriting side. Have you seen my name on the credits for many hit singles lately? Nah. I mean, don't get it twisted. I'm still living the pimp life hard, son. I still light my Cubans with twenties. But you know… things are different in the ville.

My newest advice is going to be the hardest I've ever given, because it goes against everything I stand for. Like me or not, you know I work hard, write hard, drink hard, and f… never mind. I don't settle for mediocrity. But here's what I'm telling you, based on the trends I see on Music Row.

Settle for mediocrity. If you normally write songs with wit, depth, story, and emotion, don't do that. If you can sing like Elvis or Etta James, take it down a hundred notches. If you can come up with melodies that would make Paul McCartney swoon, stop that shit. Nobody wants that anymore. They want substandard monotone songs sung by people who couldn't place top 5 in a high school talent competition.

Find a bunch of inspirational posters online and do the opposite of what they say. F**k 110%. Give 55%. Dance like somebody is watching and ridiculing you. When the going gets tough, whine.

Write lyrics like you're in an eighth grade creative writing class and can't think of any synonyms. Just go to a party and describe what you see in one syllable words. "Me drive truck, me drink beer, me tell girl, come right here." That's a hit!  Well, it's a hit as long as it sounds exactly like the other songs on the radio.

Don't strive for excellence. Don't try to leave a mark. Get it, fit in, shut up. Yeah, I'm mad. What are you looking at?


*not actually written by John Rich

Is Farce the Music Democrat or Republican?

People are always wondering which side of the political aisle we claim here at Farce the Music. 

Well, I hope this clears things up.