Lyrical Satirical: This Song is for Summer

This Song Is For Summer

©2013 FTM Satire

Aw hell yeah it's summer again

Time to drop a tailgate with your redneck friends

Text up some honeys in cut off jeans

Sugar shaker, donkadonk, know what I mean?

Crank some Lil Wayne in a country mood

Pass around some moonshine we bought at Whole Foods

Let's get rowdy like Hank would do

Hey, check out my new Duck Dynasty tattoo

Chorus

This song is for summer, y'all

Those three months after spring and just before fall

Have to spell it out cause my fans are dumber

Crank it on up in the summer summer summer

Yeehaw boys, yeah I got some swag

Got a Mud Life sticker and truck nutz that drag

Old farts hatin' cause I drop some rhymes

But that's how we do country in the summertime

Shotgun, old truck, some other cliche

Gather round the fire and I'll sing you some Kanye

Feet on the dash, let the night commence

Who cares if this tune doesn't make any sense?

This song is for summer, y'all

Those three months after spring and just before fall

Have to spell it out cause my fans are dumber

Crank it on up in the summer summer summer

Bridge (spoken)

And now a word from our sponsor:

It's hot out there while you're partying with your homeyz

Try something a little different!

Bud Light Lime.

It's Bud Light, with a twist!

Back to this song for summer, son

Put it out in March so it's a June number one

Have to spell it out cause my fans are dumber

Crank it on up in the summer summer summer

Lyrical Satirical: Badass

Badass

©2013 FTM Satire

Got a chrome bull bar on my F-150

Big shinin' wheels and damn right it's lifted

Got a country hottie, she's drunk and ready

Might get in them cut-offs if she'll let me

Tailgate down in a rutted up pasture

Beer is fine but that jar's a lot faster

If a sip don't burn, it ain't moonshine

If the truck ain't tall, well it ain't mine

If you won't fight, you ain't a man

If you ain't country, ain't worth a damn

If you ain't first, you're closer to last

If you ain't me, you ain't

Badass

Got a part-time job at the uptown Target

If a price changes, damn right I'll mark it

Got a full ride down at the junior college

Still livin' home while I get my knowledge

Got my gated subdivision on a sticker

But that don't mean I ain't an ass-kicker

If a sip don't burn, it ain't moonshine

If the truck ain't tall, well it ain't mine

If you won't fight, you ain't a man

If you ain't country, ain't worth a damn

If you ain't first, you're closer to last

If you ain't me, you ain't

Badass

Bridge

Crankin' A$AP Rocky, textin' on my cell

Wearin' Ed Hardy lookin' bad as hell

Bangin' drunk skanks, not southern belles

Buyin' moonshine off a Kroger shelf

If a sip don't burn, it ain't moonshine

If the truck ain't tall, well it ain't mine

If you won't fight, you ain't a man

If you ain't country, ain't worth a damn

I've never even listened to Johnny Cash

But If you ain't me, you ain't

Badass

From the Archives: What Xmas is All About

From Dec. 8, 2008

What Xmas is All About

©2008 FTM Satires

Neighbor was in his yard one December morn

Arranging some little dolls and a toy barn

Said it was something called a nativity scene

I just shook my head, decided to be nice

And offered him some neighborly advice

"Friend, don't you know what Christmas really means?"

Chorus

Man, it's icicle lights and inflatable elves

Hickory Farms and half price sales

And Shriners riding go-carts at the big parade downtown

It's an eggnog buzz at the office shindig

It's Rudolph, Santa and pudding figs

Just helpin' out, 

now you know what Christmas is all about

He just stared at me like my nose was on fire

Looked at my big sleigh suspended by wires

Asked me "Ain't you ever heard of the virgin birth?"

Said "If I want a sermon, I'll go to church"

He said "That's the reason we celebrate"

I had to laugh, but then I set him straight

Chorus 2

Cause It's a Wonderful Life and that mean ol' Grinch

It's my pants size going up an inch

It's window flocking, Christmas tree rocking and huge Walmart crowds

It's fruit cake, cookies and big shiny balls

It's getting drunk to put up with inlaws

Man get a clue, 

now you know what Christmas is all about

Bridge

He said "Merry Christmas" and walked away

Stuck some little baby down in the hay

He'll never learn...

That it's icicle lights and inflatable elves

Overstock dot com and half price sales

It's Santa on the firetruck at the big parade downtown

It's an eggnog buzz at the office shindig

It's Rudolph, Frosty and pudding figs

He just doesn't understand what Christmas is all about

Lyrical Satirical: Ho in Honky Tonk

“Ho” in Honky Tonk

©2012 FTM Satire

You ain’t from around here, is ya

I can tell by your frosted hair

And your eyeing that skirt

Yeah, she’s a real flirt

But let me warn you ‘bout that one there

Chorus

She puts the ho in honky tonk

She dirty dances to the slow dance songs

You’ll need prescriptions if she get whats she wants

She puts the ho in honky tonk

Said you can handle your business

Ha, that’s what she’s gonna say

She’s been with every guy

You can spy with your eye

Even ol’ Virgil there, and he’s gay

She puts the ho in honky tonk

She booty dances to a hurtin’ songs

You’ll have a rash if you get what you want

She puts the ho in honky tonk

Bridge

If you value your dignity

And your health, don’t be a fool

She goes down like Hennessy

Gets around like these bar stools

She puts the ho in honky tonk

Givin’ up that badonkadonk

You’ll need a clinic if she get whats she wants

She puts the ho in honky tonk

Lyrical Satirical: Taylor, Maybe It's You

Maybe It's You

(C)2012 FTM

If your fairy tales are more like old Greek tragedies

If your Prince Charming's always Mr. Wrong

And all of your love stories end on TMZ

Just more fodder for your whiny songs

Chorus

Maybe it's you

Who should get the blame

Maybe you like standing in the rain

Look inside yourself

And you'll see it's true

Can't always be them so maybe it's you

If every break-up ends up as a clever rhyme

If every star you meet, you fall in deep

And gossip mags make millions off of your behind

Surely you know what you sow you reap

Maybe it's you

Who should get the blame

Maybe you just get off on the pain

Look inside yourself

And you'll see it's true

Can't always be them so maybe it's you

Bridge

It can't be coincidence

Just a mean financial plan

Who's gonna be your next number one

Cause they'll never be your man

Maybe it's you

Who's never going to change

If every different romance ends up just the same

Girl you never grow up

Billboard's got the proof

Who's treacherous? Just maybe it's you

Yeah maybe it's you

Lyrical Satirical: Jesus in My Truck

Jesus in My Truck

©2012 FTM Lyrics

If Jesus showed up at my house

And wanted to go ridin' round

I'd tell him hop on in

My Chevy with the big ol' tires

Man, it couldn't ride much higher

I'd play some Cash for Him

Chorus

And we'd roll with the windows down

Them gravel roads outside of town

Then throw a line and catch some bream

And He could feed all of my friends

And turn water to Miller Lite

Nobody'd be in the mood to fight

And my pickup would never get stuck

With Jesus in my truck

I'd introduce Him to my girl

Thank Him for cut off jeans and squirrels

And Skoal and camoflauge

We'd watch the Ole Miss Rebels play

And maybe once they'd win a game

Then we'd go haul some logs

And we'd roll with the windows down

Them red dirt roads outside of town

Then throw a line and catch some bream

And He could feed all of my friends

And turn water to Miller Lite

Nobody'd be in the mood to fight

And my pickup would never get stuck

With Jesus in my truck

Bridge

He wouldn't pick no city boy

No hipster with no Prius car

Cause Jesus likes to keep it real

In a full-size with a chrome roll bar

And we'd roll with the windows down

Them gravel roads outside of town

Then throw a line and catch some bream

And He could feed all of my friends

Then we'd go out and meet my folks

Maybe He'd bring back my ol' dog, Smoke

Man I tell you it wouldn't suck

Truck no, it would never get stuck

With Jesus in my truck