Apr 25, 2022
Aug 16, 2013
By Jeremy Harris
At some point modern country radio will either nose-dive into the ground …or pull up and straighten things out. I'm tired of fighting for it to get better so I've decided to help it drop like a rock by coming up with ten "Next big things" that should do the work. Surely recycling some bands from the past and country-izing them will do the trick and hopefully after reaching rock bottom radio will turn to real artists to bring back the fans who actually aren't stupid enough to love these ten re-envisioned bands. And just to be clear, if any record executives would like to steal my idea you owe me nothing. Hell, don't even mention my name.
A Fallout Boy Named Sue
Johnny Cash is very popular with the kids these days. Hot Topic sells his shirts like there's no tomorrow and I'm sure Fall Out Boy could use the cash at this point. There's also a lot of crossover for folks who wear black.
The last show featured on CMT that had even a hint of true country music left was The Dukes of Hazard. Success of this act is entirely banking on the hopes of a few modern country fans knowing who sang that catchy opening theme and Slaughter having enough living members to record an album.
Ah, the 90's. Boy bands were all the rage. Why not bring that back with the Backstreet Boys but fake countrified up to the tenth degree. What mindless numbskull wouldn't love this? They can say country is where their hearts have always been. They could wear matching Realtree outfits!
While heavy metal supergroup Hellyeah have had plenty of success around the world, nothing could prepare them for how much idiots love the word "hick" and any band with any unnecessary punctuation in their name. Now just imagine if the exclamation point was upside down. (Editor's note: I have no idea what that last sentence means, but I left it in there so you know what we're dealing with when Jeremy Harris writes a feature.)
Scorpions Bed Liners
Scorpions already has cheesy lyrics about making love so why not add a fiddle to the sound and a truck product to the band name and sell a million copies.
Alice In Tire-chains
This is a no-brainer. Why not let Layne Staley join the list of dead musicians rolling in their graves. With enough work, Washington could be the new Georgia. Who could be the Dallas Davidson of grunge-try?
It seems all modern country listeners either hunt or like to pretend they do so let's capitalize on this by unplugging Slayer and giving them all the camouflage a country boy would ever want. Also, stickers of this logo would sell like $2 meth to Brantley Gilbert fans.
Kris Kross Kristofferson
Yeah I know, one of the members of Kris Kross is dead. I don't remember which one and you probably don't either. What we all remember is how catchy that "Jump" song was. We also know that vampire movies are very popular with young Americans so let's incorporate that old dude from Blade in this one.
Michael Jackson dying may be the greatest thing to ever happen to modern country music. The Jackson 5 were giant hit makers back in the day so now just imagine locking "Rockin Robin" into four low.
Kiss (My Country A$$)
Gene Simmons has made millions selling worthless crap to fans for years but at some point he and his painted associates will run out of money. This is the prime time to introduce some new fans to a marketing genius. Plus their lyrics weren't that deep to begin with so let's just add a boat to "Christine Sixteen".
Jun 26, 2013
FTM ponders what classic songs would have looked like if Nashville by
way of Georgia super-successful hit-makers The Peach Pickers had written them...
Smells Like Teen Spirit
On a dirt road
Stand By Your Man
"Stand by your man
Bring him something to drink too
And wear that skirt he likes too
And don't call in the morning"
"Imagine there's no country
Somethin' I don't wanna do
No cut-off jeans or pastures
And no pick-up trucks too
Keep your hands off my woman and you'll live in peace"
"Come on, country girl, let's do the twist
For the deer eatin' in the mist
Take off your little top and go like this"
"It's up past midnight
Let's find somewhere for this ol' Ford to park
Under the moonlight
Your tan-lined beauty almost stops my heart
Sip you some Beam
And turn up some Hank on the country station
Don't be afraid
There ain't no scary city folks for miles
You've Never Been This Far Before
"And I can feel the bass a thumpin'
As you're takin' off the cut-offs that you wore
And as I spit out my Copenhagen
I can tell you've never been this far before"