Bobby's 20 Worst Country Songs of 2024

 By Bobby Peacock

20. "Revelation" by John Rich feat. Sonya Isaacs

To John Rich's credit, he doesn't really say anything politically polemic this time. (At least not in the song. I've found several interviews where he rails against "practicing witchcraft" at Super Bowl halftime shows and... Eminem, on whom he is only a good two decades late.) And I could go on about his desperate right-wing grift or victim complex, but neither is (surprisingly) relevant to the content of this song. He may claim "most pastors" don't talk about the last book of the Bible, but I've worked in a church since 2003 and I can guarantee you Revelation has come up often. Some delve into the rich symbolism, or offer messages of hope and inspiration. Not so with John Rich, whose exegesis is focused entirely on judgment and wrath for the un-converted. There isn't a single shred of positivity in his interpretation for those not already on John's side. (Granted, I've had some doom-and-gloom spirals the past few months too. The difference is I'm not putting mine out there as a product.) Compared to the mix of assured warnings and gentle pleas for forgiveness in Josh Turner's eternally stunning "Long Black Train," this just sounds like some guy rambling on a street corner. To his credit, the sound design is on-point. There are some neat dips into Dorian mode, I like the hand claps, Sonya Isaacs still sounds great, and his voice is surprisingly commanding. If not for the blathering interviews and excessively negative tone, this might have actually missed the list this year. But as it stands, he's got the least-bad of the bad this year which I guess is... progress?

19. "Mamaw's House" by Thomas Rhett and Morgan Wallen

I've never bought Thomas Rhett's attempts to be a backwoods boy. We all know he wouldn't have a career if it weren't for his dad being such a popular songwriter (and singer; "That Ain't My Truck" still kicks ass). The way he says "mamaw," "tarnation," and "I reckon" feels almost Tommy Wiseau levels of stilted and stiff, further proving how contrived this song's conceit is. I also don't like the dip into preachiness in the chorus -- "if every nightstand had a Bible... every front door had a screen, well, maybe this crazy world would straighten up and slow on down." Not everyone who has a Bible follows what's in it or has even read it. Not every crime occurs in the city. And not everyone has a good relationship with their family. I'm sure Thomas and Morgan both had fine enough mothers, but their respect doesn't come across in this song at all. It feels like a Norman Rockwell painting set to music. To be fair, it's a bit refreshing to hear Morgan Wallen singing against production that isn't so murky or Auto-Tuned for once, but he adds literally nothing to this song other than name recognition. And either way, it's still cartoonishly contrived and preachy. 

18. "Gonna Love You" by Parmalee

Why does this sound like if Chris Tomlin tried to do a country cover of Harry Styles's "Sign of the Times"? For the fourth song in the row, Parmalee strings a bunch of romantic clichés together with zero craft or originality. ("The second I looked into your eyes," "on the worst of days, it's gonna be okay," "my last breath".. how many stale lines can one song have?) Matt Thomas always had a voice so plain that he makes Mike Eli sound like Freddie Mercury, but here, he's instead straining way the hell out of his range. Those drawn out "gonna love you"s on the chorus are painful to listen to. (Side note: I see they've also taken the Alabama approach of "we have a drummer, but he does fuck-all on the albums.") I'm honestly sick of Parmalee being so painfully bland all the time, and once again, I wish they'd at least release something as entertainingly bad as "Hotdamalama" -- or something genuinely decent like "Carolina." Also, I'm going to point out that this song is the first #1 Country Airplay hit since 1998 not to enter the Hot 100, and it didn't have a Wikipedia article until it hit #1. That shows you how much of a nothing-burger this song is.

17. "4x4xU" by Lainey Wilson

Just when Lainey finally had me with the genuinely fun barn-burner "Hang Tight Honey," we're back to me wondering why she gets to have airplay hits and Ashley McBryde doesn't. As usual, I get zero sense of personality from her vocal delivery; she sounds like all the independent females I used to hear on WATZ back in 2010, such as Skylar Elise. The lyrical content is a generic "anywhere with you" motif that leans dangerously close into "I want to be the pretty little thing in your truck with zero agency" in the vein of Maggie Rose's "Girl in Your Truck Song." So not only is bro-country refusing to die, it seems like the females who actually submit to it are refusing to let go, either. I will give her credit for possibly the first Kalamazoo name-drop since "Della and the Dealer," but that's taken right back by the skeevy premise and the agonizingly slow production. Oh yeah, and that "because poor literacy is kEwL" title bugs the crap out of me, too.

16. "Cowboy Songs" by George Birge

Why was George Birge allowed to have a career after Waterloo Revival bombed? This one has terrible production with snap beats and echoing guitars, and George really isn't a strong performer on his own. His voice is thin and nasal as all get out. The premise doesn't even make sense -- you think it's going to be a twist on "Straight Tequila Night" or "She Only Smokes When She Drinks," but instead the mysterious woman "only dances to cowboy songs," whatever that means. We don't learn a single thing else about her. This song also shows a fatal misunderstanding of what a "cowboy song" even is, as the only name-drops are "Three Chords and the Truth" (Sara Evans or Chase Rice?) and Waylon Jennings, neither of which is even remotely "cowboy." I just can't see any modern-day woman getting her groove on to "Bury Me Not on the Lone Prairie" or "Home on the Range." I haven't seen a song's premise have this little do with its own hook since David Nail's "Let It Rain.".. but this one is worse by the hook not having anything to do with itself, either. By the way, this was the second song this year to get all the way to #1 on the airplay charts without hitting the Hot 100... or having a Wikipedia article.

15. "Drinkin' Buddies" by Lee Brice, Nate Smith, and Hailey Whitters

If I had a nickel for every formerly-good Curb Records artist whose voice has vastly deteriorated in the past decade, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice, right? This one starts off with a weird banjo and snap-beat production backing a very herky-jerky melody. The lyrics can't even keep a sense of setting, as they abruptly jump from a hunting blind to the lake in the middle of the first... only to jump into an abrasively shouted chorus. Look, I get it; sometimes things aren't going right and you need someone to drink with. But I think you need slightly higher stakes than a bad day of hunting. Enter the second verse, where Hailey Whitters complains about her "boy toy up't and goned," which is one of the most cringe attempts at folksy grammar I've heard in my life. And I can't even tell which lines Nate Smith is singing, because the vocal mixing is somewhere between "too loud" and "way too loud." To be fair, I do like the lines "downtown clowns" and "cheers you up," and the central sentiment is fine. It's just the execution here that really misses the mark.

14. "Wind Up Missin' You" by Tucker Wetmore

Hey, Tucker? We already have a Morgan Wallen; we don't need another one. Seriously, he's got the raspy fake drawl down to a T. To be fair, the production isn't quite as crunchy or Auto-Tuned, but he's still pretty shameless. This is another scuzzy bro-dude in a bar hitting on a woman with such clever lines as "If this night don't turn into two, you look like I'm gonna wind up missin' you." She's only a one-night stand, but he's acting like she's about to be the one that got away, all while claiming his bad-boy past is behind him. When he says "it ain't what it looks like," I just don't buy it. I know this kind of guy, and I know the kind of woman who'd fall for his bullshit. It's just a grody, pushy, uncomfortable song all around. But the Morgan Wallen-ness of this song feels less like any sort of creative endeavor, and more like a bald-faced attempt to trick casual listeners. And to me, that's almost worse than any of the things he says in this song. Hey, Tucker, if you really want to get through to her, just try being yourself.

13. "This Is My Dirt" by Justin Moore

I'm not afraid to admit it: I love "Dirt Cheap" by Cody Johnson. So it's galling to see how blatantly this song copies its template, only without the heartfelt message (I've been told Cody did indeed write his song first). Country Universe posted on Bluesky that Justin seems to have a fear of things getting taken away from him, and that's the impression I get. "Dirt Cheap" is a rich narrative from a man who sounds wistful and gently pleading, as he tries to hang on to the memories of the land he's worked for so many years and all the stories that go with it. Justin, however, isn't nearly as detailed -- just generic phrases about "hard work." But what kills the song for me beyond its blatant copying is how butthurt he sounds. He comes off as a pouting brat who wants to keep things the same just because he doesn't know anything else at all, and his harsh whiny vocal tone doesn't help either. When he gets to the hook, it feels like he's having a temper tantrum right in my ear. "This Is" not a good song.

12. "Different 'Round Here" by Riley Green and Luke Combs

Just like "Mamaw's House," this is preachy and makes zero sense as a duet. I'm at a loss as to why Riley felt a need to resurrect this song four years later and tack on Luke Combs -- who, while maybe not the best mainstream artist, at least has a layer of respectability and authenticity to him. The "X is what you Y" motif wears off fast, ranging from a painfully out-of-date Lost name-drop, shoehorning in soldiers and the flag (I find that when people say they "don't care," it means they really do), to not making any goddamn sense ("hard work stops at the fence row" -- I thought your whole shtick was everything is hard work 24/7/365?). It's preachy, it's narrow-minded, it's contrived; it's the same defensive, butthurt rural pride anthems you've heard a billion times. The only reasons it's so low are 1.) both Riley and Luke are genuinely good singers, and 2.) I wanted to cut Riley a little slack for having not one, but two decent follow-ups in "Damn Good Day to Leave" and "You Look Like You Love Me." I think the lesson here is that unless it's by Sawyer Brown, don't put "'round here" anywhere in your lyrics.

11. "Love You Again" by Chase Matthew

Fun fact: this guy didn't even have a Wikipedia article until the song was in the top 10.. despite already somehow having gone platinum with a previous single I'd never heard of. Also new to this list, we have someone trying to be Bailey Zimmerman, down to having the same producer. Chase Matthew can't even navigate the song without an ungodly amount of Auto-Tune, which is never a good sign. It's such a tired narrative, mixing neon lights, trucks, and little black dresses into the same bro-y one-night stand you've already heard a million times. When he gets to the chorus, he lapses into a raspy strained delivery backed by blaring, compressed guitars, making for a genuinely harsh listening experience. I don't think he quite crosses over into sounding like a total scumbag in the vein of "Ready Set Roll." But sometimes a song becomes bad entirely by the absence of anything good, and this one truly has nothing at all going for it.

10. "Boys Back Home" by Dylan Marlowe feat. Dylan Scott

If Cole Swindell's "Chillin' It" was the poor-man's "Cruise," then this is the poor-man's "Chillin' It." It has the same "open on a mildly catchy chorus" trick and a similar chord pattern, cadence, and banjo-guitar interplay. I genuinely don't know how Dylan Scott has had a career for so long, other than by being the most generic and radio-friendly bro out there. And somehow he got on a track by another generic nobody with the same first name. Marlowe awkwardly talk-sings through lyrics about Carhartt jackets and diesel, and then gets outshone on his own record by Scott, who -- again, despite being bland -- is noticeably a better singer, even when he's rattling off clichés about dirt and hard work. I just looked up this song and already can't remember a single word outside the chorus. If there's nothing to do in this nothing to do town, then maybe you should move out and get some fresh perspectives.

9. "New to Country" by Bailey Zimmerman

I honestly thought Bailey Zimmerman was onto something with the genuinely interesting "Fall in Love," but he fell off fast. His voice is as this most nasal yet on the verses, switching up to an ear-splitting shout on the choruses. The production is the same power chords and banjo you can find on almost any Brantley Gilbert record, and the lyrics? The dude who smokes, has tattoos, and listens to Guns 'n Roses is still a country boy, even after all the big hit singles. It's a tired argument, this defensive "oh, I'm still country" argument. (I also think it's pretty bad optics to have the word "Dixie" in a song in 2024.) I also think it's weird to title the song "New to Country" when the intended argument is the exact opposite ("I'm anything but new to country") -- an anti-title like that was genuinely clever deception on "Fall in Love," but here it just feels like "short titles are better." In short, it's just another laundry list of bragging about country-boy tropes we've heard a billion times, shouted over too-loud guitar, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

8. "Cowgirls" by Morgan Wallen feat. ERNEST

How 'bout them cowgirls? From the title and artists involved, I knew what I was getting: snap beats and Auto-Tune for days, combined with a bunch of meat-headed post-bro-country babbling about hot women who exist solely to break your heart. It's almost like they wanted to make a countrier rewrite of "Bitches Ain't Shit" but instead ended up closer to "Bitch Came Back." Also, just like the last time ERNEST hopped on a Morgan Wallen song, it makes literally zero sense as a duet -- there's no interplay between the two, to the point I can barely tell where either of them starts or ends a line, nor is there a thematic reason for it to be a duet. The utter lack of country instrumentation, combined with their vocal tone, just makes this song sound skeevy in a way a lighter read might not have done. I think it's clear by now that I no longer judge Morgan Wallen by his personality, but rather by his music... and he's really doing me no favors (although I will grant "I Had Some Help" wasn't that bad). Let the cowgirls run... away from these two bozos and into someone with better material.

7. "Miles on It" by Marshmello and Kane Brown

My recent pivot on Kane Brown isn't a bit just to piss off Trailer and/or other Farce the Music readers; I really did grow to like his music more. However, this was a massive step backwards. First and foremost is that I just don't like Marshmello. Like his name indicates, his brand of EDM always came off as flavorless fluff to me. And in this case, I'm not sure what he even did on this song, as there isn't a distinctive beat or melodic riff or even a solo that I felt worthy of a feature credit. My own bias against this subgenre aside, the lyrics also feel like they're absurdly beneath Kane. "My baby's push to start" sounds like the kind of single entendre Florida Georgia Line was too embarrassed to put in "Sun Daze," and the woman as usual has literally zero agency. She's just there for Kane to ogle over and drive out in the country with her, as if we hadn't already heard that same premise six zillion times. Between the genuine romantic chemistry of "Thank God," and the sincere familial bonding of "Grand" and "Backseat Driver," it felt like Kane was embracing a newfound maturity. But this is just skeevy frat-bro machismo, exacerbated by sterile lifeless sound design.

6. "Darkest Hour" by Eric Church

I hope I don't come off like an asshole for ripping a charity single a new one. I have no problem with the fact that Eric Church set up a fund to help those affected by Hurricane Helene; I just think the song he chose to accompany it is the worst thing he's ever cut in his life. It's got this weird lounge-pop production that sounds like if Almost Vinyl tried to use AI to make a Burt Bacharach or Frank Sinatra pastiche... only instead of "I Only Saw This Play to Get Some Ass," we get an endless jumble of mixed metaphors. In the first line alone, the person in need is both homeless in the snow and a rudder-less ship in low tide. Then they're in the burning sand with their hair on fire and thrown a rope to get out of their head. (I think this finally supplanted Miranda Lambert's "Bluebird" as the most incoherent jumble of mixed metaphors I've heard in a country song.) Even worse from a sound design standpoint is Eric's vocal delivery -- a weird mix of Christian pop fake-raspiness, Jana Kramer level fake twang, and absolutely ear-bleeding falsetto. This is the most egregiously I've heard someone sing way too far out of their range since Lewis Capaldi's "Someone You Loved." I'm sure his heart was in the right place, but his sense of songcraft really went out to lunch.

5. "True South" by Rodney Atkins

I still believe If You're Going Through Hell was a solid album. That album finally found Rodney Atkins's image as a laid-back father who's seen some hard times and is now enjoying a fairly positive Southern lifestyle. But after that, he really lost his way with increasingly desperate and personality-deprived bids for radio airplay, such as "Take a Back Road" or "It's America." Additionally, his singing and sound design got way worse. This one starts out massively on the wrong foot with the line "we don't smoke meth, smoke brisket," which is jarringly tone-deaf to the methamphetamine epidemic across rural communities. What follows isn't nearly as insulting, but it's still very pandering. Yes, we get cut-off jeans, kudzu, dogs, church, and hard work -- you could make a "country cliché bingo" card and no matter how you distribute the slots, you'd still easily get a double-bingo by the second chorus. What's worse, Rodney sounds awful on this. His voice has always been polarizing, but prior to "It's America," I never had a problem with it. There's no force behind his tone anymore, and he sounds exhausted when he gets to the hook. Much like on "It's America," he's also mixed way too low relative to the backing vocals and instruments. (Surprisingly, he's got someone other than Ted Hewitt behind the boards for once.) By the way, did I mention that frequent Farce the Music punching bag Redferrin wrote this?

4. "Stick to Our Guns" by Craig Campbell

I admit, I have a pretty serious gun phobia. Some of it comes from the wave of public shootings after Columbine, as well as the stereotype of gun-toting rednecks who make Yosemite Sam look reserved -- I have seen trigger-happy idiots shoot literally anything that moves! In Craig Campbell's world, the cities are good for nothing but crime, but the country means the door can stay open as long as somebody with a .44 is on the other side of it. Justin Moore in "This Is My Dirt" may sound whiny, but at least he doesn't sound like he's fishing for an excuse to pump someone full of lead. (See also Josh Thompson's "Way Out Here" or Tracy Byrd and Mark Chesnutt's "A Good Way to Get on My Bad Side.") Craig doesn't help his case by throwing in an out-of-nowhere mention of the flag (because shooting everything in sight is "American"?) nor his use of the word "troubadour" (so he's an 11th century French poet? Seriously, stop using that word). The fear of the city continues to such a psychotic degree that he's even afraid some "bigwig" is gonna dig him up after he's dead. At least unlike "Try That in a Small Town," it's not as angry and dour sounding, and he doesn't cross the line into overt racism. But this is still a pretty troubling message.

3. "Just Like Johnny" by Redferrin

Hey, Redferrin? We already have a Morgan Wallen and a Morgan Wallen wannabe; we don't need another one. And what we also don't need is a fatal misunderstanding of Johnny Cash's personal life. The person who was working cotton fields at age five, served in the Air Force, battled amphetamine and alcohol addictions on a number of occasions, performed concerts in prisons, was an activist for Native American rights -- a very conflicted human being, but also a musical talent so great I have never met a single person who dislikes him -- is reduced to "I'm just like Johnny Cash because I also screw up and do drugs." There's no understanding of the Man in Black's career, of the personal struggles that caused the demons to keep coming back. (Did you know June would sometimes flush his drugs down the toilet?) Instead, he staples on an "I messed up, it's all my fault" narrative and claims he'll still love her like Johnny and June until he dies. Nothing ties into Cash's legacy or shows even a superficial knowledge of him beyond "singer who did drugs." Compare "Johnny & June" by Heidi Newfield and its well-placed invocation of "Ring of Fire" to draw the focus toward Johnny and June's legacy as a power couple even after their deaths. And of course, it's all done in a Morgan Wallen-styled nasal drawl (with slightly less muddy production), but you probably knew that by now. Far more than how it's sung, this song actively angered me by its mere concept being downright blasphemous to one of the greatest musicians of all time.

2. "Made in China" by Aaron Lewis

I don't get Aaron Lewis. Sure, Staind is a punchline, but I still stand by some of their songs. But his deep dive into right-wing grift is head scratching to the extreme. (Just as baffling is Bobby Pinson's dive into the same, although I guess the flagrantly racist Toby Keith song "Made in America" was just the first domino there.) I already went over a lot of that when he did "Am I the Only One," but here, it's outright racism to the forefront. "I ain't made in China from all the cheapest parts" is the same racist bullshit I've heard for years, even though in modern times, China is responsible for a lot of very important technology such as semiconductors. He may claim he's more American because he buys locally and even shoehorns in a flag-waving sub-chorus... but this whole "not made in China" ignores that some goods are difficult to make or produce locally (coffee comes to mind) and more importantly, that we absolutely can support the economies of other countries as well as our own. ("I ain't selling 'em any of mine / I ain't buying theirs, either" -- racism and selfish in one fell swoop!) "America first and only" never made sense to me, as it seems blatantly contradictory to any sense of freedom and growth. How can we "grow" as a country if we're not lending a helping hand? Even just the fact that this song is nothing but vocals and Dobro suggests he's trying to pick up where Oliver Anthony (how quickly we forget) left off. If you want a tasteful song, about foreign-made goods, put on Buck Owens's "Made in Japan," which has aged amazingly well.

1. "Make America Great Again" by Brian Kelley

I'd like to make one thing clear: this would have been my least-favorite no matter who won the election. In fact, I had this instantly tagged as my least-favorite of the year well before Election Day. It's easy to point to politics as the reason behind Florida Georgia Line breaking up, given that Tyler Hubbard and Brian Kelley are known to be politically opposed. But I don't think there's enough hard evidence to cite that as a reason behind their breakup, and the fact that both musicians' solo output is markedly different from FGL indicates a sincere desire to focus on solo careers. Furthermore, I still believe Tyler's pleas for unity in "Undivided" came from a place of sincerity; if party lines were dividing FGL, it seems like Tyler was at least trying to reach across them. But even without all of that, there's no denying that this song is full of the hateful rhetoric that I thought we were better than by now. "Streets are full of drugs and illegals / It's time to finish that wall," "try to take our free speech and our rifles," and "back to United States...we ain't messing around with other countries' wars" show the same kind of xenophobic, hate-filled bullshit that the more toxic parts of the right have been spewing for decades. I'm not looking forward to the next couple years, and songs like this give a good indicator as to why.

Already made last year's list: "Chevrolet," "Truck Bed"

Dishonorable mentions: "Different 'Round Here," "Back Then Right Now," "Pretty Little Poison"

Hundreds Believe Tim McGraw Nearly Killed a Guy Because This Headline Says So

On Friday morning, word began to spread of country superstar Tim McGraw beating a man nearly to death in Nashville. Though completely false, many Facebook users only read the first 8 words of the headline of this obviously fake news piece and spread it around like wildfire. They also noticed the poorly Photoshopped picture of Tim McGraw’s mug shot accompanying this article which lended credence to their belief that this entirely bullshit story must be so.

Most of the few readers who actually clicked on this story without excitedly sharing it first, only read the first sentence, which also fools unworldly folks into thinking that the following actually happened: 

Country superstar Tim McGraw has been arrested for a shocking assault after putting a real good man in the hospital on Wednesday night. McGraw told police he was just sticking up for his wife when the man, Vernon Brinks, said Faith Hill’s acting was a little dry in Yellowstone: 1883. After striking Brinks over and over, the victim suffered a broken wrist, a concussion, internal bleeding, and several external bruises. Brinks is said to have neither liked it, loved it, nor wanted any more of it and is expected to be released from the hospital this weekend. In a statement after making bail, McGraw apologized for the incident and blamed “the cowboy in me.”

Despite the previous paragraph being written in a less than journalistic quality, several persons who have continued reading started thinking that maybe this stupid and transparently satirical bit might have some veracity. 5 of them go back and share the story on Facebook with an “OMG!” Most didn’t even notice that there were 4 Tim McGraw song titles hidden in that paragraph, further giving clue that this stunning bit of news never occurred. 

In previous weeks, this very website (which features the word ‘farce’ in its title) has been barraged by thick-headed people replying as if satirical stories were the gospel. One of those people is reading this sentence now and I’m going to tell him that Garth Brooks cheated on Trisha with Kenny Chesney and he’ll believe it, because his brain has been warped and clouded by social media, politics, and the degradation of real media over the past 10-15 years. 

At press time, 1 of the 9 people who made it this far into the article also believed that Thomas Rhett is a meth-addicted serial killer because this sentence purports it to be true.

Still More Worst Country Songs of the Last 4 Decades

By Bobby Peacock

I really didn't want to do this, because I feel that I've let negativity get the best of me lately. But I just found too many songs not to do a part three. This is the last one, I swear.

1980s

"Arab, Alabama" by Pinkard & Bowden

The only thing keeping me from also including "Libyan on a Jet Plane" is that I can only find a live version. This one's dated "jokes" about the PLO, Cubans hijacking planes, South Americans smuggling drugs, and Fidel Castro marrying "one of Loretta's sisters" read like a couple of racist hillbillies thumbing through the newspaper and riffing on everything they see. And that's before we get to them referring to Middle Easterners as "sheet heads"; a list of offensive stereotypes is just that. But what do you expect  from a couple buffoons who think that shoving the word "cock-sucking" into a song called "Censor Us" is a punchline? (And more importantly, how did one of these guys also write "You're the Reason God Made Oklahoma?”)

"Everybody's Sweetheart" by Vince Gill

I hate to do this to Vince Gill. But that one line, "shoulda kept her barefoot / Barefoot and pregnant all the time"... yeah, that's some really ugly sexism. There is no way to deliver that line correctly, and I'm surprised it wasn't more controversial even in 1988. And it's a shame that I'm letting it come down to that, because the central idea on its own -- the conflict one feels in a relationship where both people are touring musicians (in this case, Janis Oliver of Sweethearts of the Rodeo) is a great idea for a song. But to actively wish disdain on your own spouse's career, and in such a crass, misogynstic fashion to boot? Thankfully he treated the same topic more tactfully with "The Radio". And I really can't see him saying anything like this about Amy Grant.

"I Loved 'em Every One" by T. G. Sheppard

After the "worst of the '80s" list dropped, I had a DJ e-mail me and thank me for including "War Is Hell (On the Homefront Too)". He stated that he also dislikes how most T. G. Sheppard songs are "about getting laid" and I realized just how true this is. (His '70s songs, like "Devil in the Bottle", sound like a completely different artist.) Plowing through women like an allergy sufferer through Kleenex is bad enough when you're not even trying to assign any personality or emotion to them; outright admitting that not one, but several of them were prostitutes is just the added layer of squick. He may be hoping they had some fun, but I'm just hoping that everyone got tested for STIs.

"Red Neckin' Love Makin' Night" by Conway Twitty

Among an otherwise decent run of singles in the 80s, hampered only by some dubious cover songs ("The Rose"), we get him setting the stage for the chest-thumping boogie-country of Hank Jr. and the sleazy "drink beer with a hot girl in a truck" of bro-country. The only difference is since this is 1981, the music's on an 8-track instead. Conway's attempts at asides and breaking from meter only make the song sound more forced and drawn out than it needs to be -- not that the horribly-scanning lyrics ("I got a six-pack of longnecks in the trunk on ice / Ooh, but you sure look nice") do him any favors on this front. What a waste of the usually reliable Max D. Barnes and Troy Seals. Even "Tight Fittin' Jeans" manages to be a million times less sleazy.

1990s

"Better Than a Biscuit" by John Berry

For a long time, the three tracks off John Berry's two unreleased Capitol albums seemed to exist nowhere on the Internet. "The Stone" and "Over My Shoulder" are both good songs, but this one... oof. I'm not opposed to food songs -- hell, "Weird Al" Yankovic built a career on them -- but there has to be some thought put into them. While the production is looser than usual for him, it's wasted on some of the worst lyrics I've ever heard. "Somebody call the Colonel, she's finger-lickin' good" (dude, I don't want to know what she was doing to your fingers), "She'd make any turkey breast look like a can of Spam,” and let's not forget the hook: "she tasted better than a biscuit double-dunked in red eye gravy.” It reminds me of "Fancy Like" in just how blatantly un-dignified it is -- even if, unlike that song, it actually bothers to sound country.

"Don't Take the Girl" by Tim McGraw

As my disdain for "Humble and Kind" showed, I'm not afraid to go after some of Tim's more beloved songs. Even when I was 7, I thought this was hackneyed. From the forced name-drops in the first verse (Jimmy Johnson and Tommy Thompson? Really?) to the robber at the movie theater to the now-grown woman dying in childbirth, the melodrama just gets thicker and more contrived as it strains to match the hook. "Same chorus, three meanings" is such a common country music trope that can be done well or badly like anything else, but the lengths to which this one stretches are far beyond my suspension of disbelief. His whiny vocal does nothing but prove how much more nuanced he'd get in the coming years. It's not hard to see why I can only find one other charted single for either writer...

"Genuine Rednecks" by David Lee Murphy

How is this is the same David Lee Murphy behind such thoughtful songs as "The Road You Leave Behind" and "Dust on the Bottle"? Even worse is how blatantly he's ripping off his own "Party Crowd"; while that one had the setup of a likable everyman just wanting to ease his broken heart, this one lacks any semblance of setup other than "I want to party". There's an annoyingly judgmental tone to lines like "if you don't like them, you won't like me" and "where I do belong, it don't come with a crystal chandelier", combining with an overdone fake twang. It's not hard to see why this brought his singing career to a screeching halt, and it's only worse in hindsight when you follow the trail from this to his worst co-write by far, Josh Thompson's "Way Out Here.”

"The Man Song" by Sean Morey

My dad used to listen to The Bob & Tom Show when I was young. This was my first exposure to awkward foul-mouthed male comedian-singers whose work has mostly aged poorly, such as Tim Wilson (who, incidentally, co-wrote the aforementioned "Arab, Alabama"). From that same mold comes Sean Morey, who doesn't even really bother with the whole "singing" part. Instead, he recites rote non-jokes about a henpecked husband ("I wear the pants around here... when I'm finished with your laundry") that, even by 1998, seem extremely outdated, sexist, and not funny. But what do you expect from a man whose idea of a Christmas song is racist stereotypes, and whose apparent comedic pinnacle is called "The Hairy Ass Song?”

2000s

"Help Pour Out the Rain (Lacey's Song)" by Buddy Jewell

While the curiosity of a child is only natural, this song goes off the rails fast. No kid that isn't in the comic strip The Family Circus is going to think that the Milky Way Galaxy is literally a candy bar, or that angels "pour out the rain". (What you believe about Heaven is ultimately up to you, but I think most people -- even kids -- know that it's not just a visit.) And of course, this doe-eyed naïveté moves the narrator to pull over, cry, and pray about meeting Jesus, all while recounting the situation in a schmaltzy "la da dee" croon. Again, you can believe whatever you want as long as it's not harmful, because it's turtles all the way down the line. But this is the kind of over-the-top contrived schmaltz that doesn't even belong in a PureFlix movie.

"I Don't Know What She Said" by Blaine Larsen

I admit that I never cared for Blaine Larsen. Most of his songs (I'll give him "How Do You Get That Lonely") felt as if others were forcing this suave Southern gentleman style onto him against his will. But the only one that actively annoyed me was this one. Thankfully it isn't overtly racist like "Illegals" or "This Ain't Mexico,” and it at least bothers to get the Spanish mostly correct (outside a couple jokey lines like "señor blah blah blah blah"). But it still has a smug, condescending, and borderline creepy tone toward the attractive Mexican woman. It's hard not to read this as a horny 20-year-old trying to get laid. And cringeworthy "no one actually says that" lines like "J.Lo had nothing on her" don't help, either.

"I Got My Game On" by Trace Adkins

Most of Trace Adkins' novelties didn't bother me much. I'm not gonna say that "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk,” "Swing,” or "Ladies Love Country Boys" are good, but they at least seem like plausible everyman scenarios. This is just a rich cocky asshole bragging about his Cadillac, platinum credit card, Armani suit, and alligator boots, not to mention all the tail he's getting. Exactly what part of this is supposed to be entertaining or even relatable to anyone not among the elite? Maybe it catered to the people who would later watch him on The Apprentice. But for those of us who want no part of testosterone-fueled power fantasies, I'm just left wondering why he was so anxious to withdraw "I Wanna Feel Something" for new music if this is what he had to offer.

"I'll Walk" by Bucky Covington

This one almost feels like a parody of the old "use the chorus in three scenarios" trick. How do they go from having a fight on prom night, to her getting hit by a drunk driver, to him suddenly turning around any marrying her? The setup is so contrived, not to mention downright manipulative by dismissively framing the woman in the song as the vehicle for a horribly predictable outcome. There's no other emotion -- no guilt on his part, no anger on either of theirs. "The Walk" by Sawyer Brown was a million times better at recontextualizing different "walks" between two people, and "The Impossible" by Joe Nichols a million times better at handling someone overcoming a handicap.

"Lost" by Faith Hill

Faith's bombastic country pop diva shtick was never my cup of tea outside "Cry,” and it was pretty passé by 2003. While Fireflies relegated the bombast to the deep cuts and went with an okay-to-great batch of singles, I guess she just had to get one last awful power ballad out of her. (I would expect no less out of a "hit factory" style songwriter such as Kara DioGuardi.) There's no semblance of originality to be found in this already outdated and sterile approach: "if it's a dream, don't wake me up,” "with me everywhere I am,” "can't believe we've come this far" are all belted to the rafters as if they're the most important truisms in the world when they're barely good enough to even put in a Hallmark card. At least "Red Umbrella", love it or hate it, had flavor.

"Maybe She'll Get Lonely" by Jack Ingram

This one came out at the same time as Lee Brice's "Happy Endings,” another song in which the narrator hopes that his ex will have a change of heart. A lot of songs have done it, and maybe if there weren't a much better take on the same premise out at almost exactly the same time... nah, this one would still be just about the least amount of imagination given to this premise. Screen door, kicking up dust, praying, turn that wheel around, love her/need her/can't live without her, too far gone -- there isn't a single original or interesting line that has even the tiniest bit of personality. There's barely even setup, and the hook is just weak-willed at best. This was around the same time that Pat Green was getting all of his edges sanded off in a failed attempt at going more "mainstream,” and for both him and Ingram, the results were just pitiful pandering that pleased nobody.

"Nothing Catches Jesus by Surprise" by John Michael Montgomery

What... is this song? One of the last credits for Waylon Jennings before his death, the first major misfire for Tom Douglas, and the first song that inspired me to write a part three to this list. Each couplet is just baffling in how random it is:"Catching Babe Ruth, catching Roger Maris / The way you caught my eye in Paris, Tennessee.” Every line afterward seems to be at least trying to aim at a parallel between worldly contradictions and an unlikely marriage working out, but misses its mark by a country mile. And what does Jesus have to do with any of it? How is any of this mishmash suggesting that anyone is trying to catch Jesus by surprise?

"The Obscenity Prayer (Give It to Me)" by Rodney Crowell

What a step down from his best song "Earthbound.” The "satire,” if you can call it that, is of a rich right-wing douchebag who wants a hot wife, a good body, booze, etc. -- but doesn't want to work for it. And it's delivered with no sense of subtlety, irony, or humor. Line after line is on-the-nose to the point of cringe: "I despise all bleeding hearts / I don't patronize the arts.” "You're tryin' to get me to show some compassion / Man, that's so outta fashion.” "The Dixie Chicks can kiss my ass / But I still need that backstage pass.” The song just drones on and on, long after it's made its thuddingly obvious point. I really hated to do this to the usually very talented and smart Rodney, but thankfully this and the equally navel-gazing "Sex and Gasoline" were the only missteps of his entire career.

"Redneck Anthem" by Ty England

Highways & Dance Halls seemed to finally mature Ty England after two mediocre hat-act albums, so how did he end up backsliding this hard? Sounding far weaker than ever, he plows through some of the worst redneck clichés on the planet in a manner that makes his previous groaner "Redneck Son" sound like Merle Haggard in comparison. He crams the phrase "jacked up" twice in the first verse alone, then lists off such things as sleeveless shirts, aggressive jingoism, "mow our lawn with a billy goat," guns, daddy, Skoal, NASCAR, and even a name-drop of Larry the Cable Guy's "git-r-done" catch phrase. The album leans into this caricature all the more with "The NRA Song,” "Stick to Your Guns,” and "Texans Hold 'Em.” I think even Jeff Foxworthy would tell this guy he's making rednecks look bad.

"Tail on the Tailgate" by Neal McCoy

You can hate "The Shake,” but ultimately I find that one too goofy to be bothersome. This, on the other hand, does not get a free pass. This guy gets a beat up old truck from his brother, who points out the one thing I don't want to know: "hey, I fucked a lot of women in this truck.” At that point, the only reaction should be "eww!" But instead, this sleazy little pervert takes the truck and does exactly the same thing with an already cliché party in the woods. While he tries to dismiss it with a "that ain't what you're thinkin'", how else am I even supposed to interpret that hook? It's fitting that this was an early Rodney Clawson co-write, because it fits right in with all the bro-country songs he'd later write.

"Whistlin' Dixie" by Randy Houser

Having "Dixie" in the title isn't even a concern when at least half the lyrics are a billion times worse. Let's start with "learn how to talk straight, not back / Or my little white butt get a whippin'" for some parenting as horrible as the grammar. Add to the pile shotguns, naked Southern women, drugs, and food, and then scream it over an overly-loud mishmash of guitars, and the result is headache-inducing on so many levels. At least "I'm All About It" seemed more lighthearted, but it's not hard to see why his second album got delayed. Thankfully, the downward slide from the very good "Anything Goes" would later be reversed in favor of the much better "Like a Cowboy" and "What Whiskey Does.”

2010s

"Fly" by Maddie & Tae

Hey, look, another motivational cliché song with a nonsensical hook. I thought we stopped doing those in 2002. "You can learn to fly on the way down" is not an inspiring image. If you're falling, it's too fast for you to suddenly learn how to fly; instead, you're just gonna face-plant into the ground. And now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's count off the clichés: "heart's a mess,” "find a way to make it,” "keep on climbing" (wait, weren't we just flying? Why are we now climbing?), "we've come this far,” "more to this than just the breath you're breathing.” While the song does sound less processed than others like it, that's not saying much when the lyrics are this bad. And why does it randomly shift from third to second person halfway through?

"High Class" by Eric Paslay

This song sounds like if "Uptown Funk" shat itself. As he tries to come off as the country boy who's still "street" enough to crash even the ritziest of parties, Eric Paslay does nothing but embarrass himself. What the hell does "Cadi up that Lac" even mean? Is he listening to the Lacs in his Cadillac? (The closed captioning on the official YouTube upload says it's "cattle up this 'Lac", which makes even less sense.) Not to mention the zero copula (that's the technical term for omitting verbs, as in "tonight we high class") that tiptoes dangerously close to "white person using AAVE". Add in the most forced name-drop of Justin Timberlake since "I'm a Saint,” and the result proves that you can't spell "high class" without "ass.”

"Hope You Get Lonely Tonight" by Cole Swindell

If I were to rank songs for "worst production choices,” this would be neck and neck with "Bob That Head.” The loud-ass drum machine that sounds like driving over rumble strips, the overdriven muddy guitars, and Cold and Rainy's wallpaper-paste voice all combine into sound (but no fury), signifying nothing. Maybe better production and a different vocalist might make this at least tolerable -- actually, no, it'd still be about drinking and kissing on a tailgate, drunk late-night sexting, and two white-trash doofuses screwing. So yeah, Michael Carter, I think you're off the hook with this one. Cole, however, can just go back to being the Save-a-Lot brand mayo that he is.

"REDNECKER" by HARDY

HARDY really started off on the wrong foot. I ended up hating this song so much that I also hated "ONE BEER" entirely by proxy until I finally analyzed it on its own merits. I get that he's at least trying to deconstruct the "list off redneck clichés" trope by one-upping them, but just like "The Worst Country Song of All Time" (which he also had a hand in), just doing the thing you're riffing on louder isn't the same as subverting it. And there is literally no reason for any song to include a lyric as gross as "I piss where I want.” Just like most Joey Moi productions, this one is all processed guitar and Auto-Tune. HARDY has had a few flashes of brilliance on there, but he started off so thoroughly on the wrong foot that I almost dismissed his entire career by proxy.

"The Rest of Our Life" by Tim McGraw and Faith Hill

I'm gonna be honest: I've never liked most Tim and Faith collabs because I find their vocal styles too dissimilar. And it's especially bad here, because Tim is way out of his range, straining and shaking to catch up to Faith's bellowing (especially on the chorus). And I can tell that Ed Sheeran wrote this, because it has his whimper-y sweet little nothings all over it. Other than jarringly out-of-place names for their kids (which has zero buildup, by the way) and somehow working in the word "waistline" (seriously, not even "Weird Al" Yankovic's "Fat" did that), it's just a bunch of mushy platitudes with no narrative connection. This just sounds like an even more embarrassing "Shape of You" clone.

"Honey Jack" by 17 Memphis

The intro to this, which sounds like a vaporwave remix of Kiiara's "Gold,” is probably the worst way to start out a song since "Bob That Head.” Then come the trap snares, played on quite possibly the same broken-as-fuck drum machine used on "Hope You Get Lonely Tonight.” Underneath this extremely ugly interior are laughably juvenile lyrics that take on backroads, whiskey, trucks, phones, etc. Both members of the duo actually have decent voices and there is some chemistry on the recording, but it's hard to tell with the farting synths, jackhammer drum machines, and Auto-Tune doing everything to drown them out. It's easy to see why these two didn't go anywhere.

"21" by Hunter Hayes

When your song's hook is "gonna party like we just turned 21" and you still sound like you're in kindergarten, what other reaction should I even have? I legitimately laughed out loud the first time I heard this. I want to like Hunter Hayes because of his child prodigy nature, but for the most part, his discography has leaned way too far into Disney Channel-esque teeny-bopper fluff for me to care. "Wanted" pissed me off by being extremely stale and one-dimensional, but this one annoys me for the opposite reason. It calls for an edge that Hunter just does not have. His musical image was already too squeaky-clean, and the song is just too lethargic for lyrics about "going crazy". This just sounds like a slower version of Rascal Flatts' "Summer Nights,” which itself is just an only slightly-less-bad rewrite of Hot Chelle Rae's "Tonight, Tonight.” And you know what they say about copies of copies.

"You Look Good" by Lady Antebellum

No, this isn't about the naming controversy. However, that whole scenario did make me reassess this duly lamentable group who does almost nothing but blandly emulate the worst of cheesy soft rock. Charles is as stuffy as ever, Hillary is as pitchy as ever; put them together, and you're just mixing two different bottles of warm water. Even with the horn section behind them, these two are just way too bland to even begin to convey the flash of spending New Year's in a penthouse or head-turning dudes in black jeans and shades. This is less outwardly offensive than Eric Paslay's attempts to crash upscale big-city parties, but it's almost more embarrassing in just how out of place they seem. (Fun fact: both "duly lamentable" and "blandly emulate" are anagrams of "Lady Antebellum.”)