Why is This Guy a Thing?

I Bet U Caint Even Bate a Huk

(This isn't a political statement so much as one about prideful stupidity. 

I'm actually pretty conservative, but I'd like to disassociate myself from bro-countriers,

people who carry large assault weapons into grocery stores, and coal rollers entirely.)

If Dallas Davidson Had Written These Big Hits

FTM ponders what these famous rock, R&B, rap and country songs would have sounded like if Dallas Davidson or any of his compadres had written them...

Pearl Jam - Even Flow

Gravel road, trucks arrive tires oversized

Oh, bring some hoes, who can make the sugar shake

Better yet, we'll have Miller Lite again

Lite again, Lite again...

Roberta Flack - First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

The first time ever I saw dat ass

I felt my skinny jeans start to rise

And the moon and the stars over my tailgate

Got to watch me get in them thighs

Merle Haggard - Fightin' Side of Me

If you gone mad-dog, step up:

Let these brass knucks be a warnin'.

If you're cock-blockin' on hotties, son,

You bout to meet the fightin' side of me.

Carl Perkins (Elvis Presley) - Blue Suede Shoes

Well, it's one for the honeys,

Two for the shine,

Three for my Chevy,

Past the county line.

But don't you step on my square-toed boots.

You can do anything but lay off of my square-toed boots.

Jay-Z - 99 Problems

99 problems but a hitch ain't one

If you need to pull a trailer, get a Smittybilt son

I got 99 problems but a hitch ain't one

Hit me

Lyrics Illustrated: FGL/Luke Bryan - This Is How We Roll

Monday Morning Memes: Aldean's Huge Announcement, Bryan, etc.

If Dallas Davidson Had Written These Classics

FTM ponders what these classic rock, R&B and country songs would have sounded like if Dallas Davidson or any of his compadres had written them...

Heartbreaker (Led Zeppelin)

Shake so good got me in a bind, tripping on wallet chains

You're fillin' that bikini top, glistening by the fire

Sugar shaker, your tan lines glow, come take your Levi's off

Love that moneymaker

American Pie

So hey girl, Miss American Pie

Drove my Raptor to the pasture, drinkin' cherry moonshine

And us good old boys were crankin' Jay-Z on up

Singing this'll be the night I get some, this'll be the night I get some

He Stopped Loving Her Today

She stopped shakin' it today

He took her pic off his dashboard

And soon he'll wreck his Chevrolet

She stopped shakin' it today

When Doves Cry

Touch if you will my tattoo

Sweet-ass new tribal design

You've got the watermelon lipstick

Don't make me beg you

Country boys got pride

Hey Jude

Hey Chad, don't spill my beer

Crank a Hank song just like a baller

Remember to find a chick at the bar

Then you can start to give a holler

Thunder Road

And the truck door slams, Mary's sundress sways

Like a vision, she scoots across that bench seat

As the radio plays, Toby Keith singing "Who's Your Daddy"

Hey let me rub on your big fatty

I Didn't Even Come Up With This Joke

*Grainger is a tool company. Yes, this is real.

Intentional Douchebag

Check out this hilarious (FTM inspired?) song by Will Bouldin (@wbboyd).

A Brief Word From Some Luke Bryan Fans

4 Pics 1 Word

That's an easy one!

Top 10 Most Depressing Christmas Songs 2012

10. Butt-Chugging Eggnog

09. (There's No Place Like) Walmart for the Holidays

08. Hark the Tattooed Douchebags Sing

07. Christmas at the Romneys

06. It's the Most Communicable Time of the Year

05. Jodido Navidad

04. All I Got for Christmas is Prison Rape

03. Away in Benghazi

02. Colt Ford is Coming to Town

01. Sleigh Ride (Off the Fiscal Cliff)