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Zach Top
“Good Times & Tan Lines”
This one’s a little hard to nail down. You’re either a Boomer who thinks this is Alan Jackson’s “Chattahoochee,” a Gen-Xer who thinks this is a cover of that song, a Millennial who pines for their 90s childhood, or a Gen-Zer who calls it classic country. Whichever way, if you like it, that’s cool with me.
Morgan Wallen & Tate McRae
“What I Want”
You are too young to have fully a developed sense of hearing, have been failed by your music education in school, only listen to what is popular, and think that music is only good if it’s popular because that many idiots can’t possibly be wrong.
Tucker Wetmore
“Brunette”
You thought he was Morgan Wallen when you first heard him, and just ran with it. You bullied at least 3 girls into therapy while in high school. Your boyfriend’s “promposal” poster was misspelled and neither of you noticed. You’ll be the only pregnant member of the Baptist Student Union at Auburn this fall.
Josh Ross
“Single Again”
You recently developed a southern accent despite living in Hinsdale, IL. You listen to this because they say bad words in pop music, but you really want to hear pop music. You want to go to the Windy City Smokeout but are scared of Koe Wetzel’s fans. Dan + Shay are who got you into country music.
Whiskey Myers
“Tailspin”
You tried vaping for a while but it just didn’t sting like the Marlboro Reds. You’re not a team player nor a leader at work, but the place would go out of business without you. You drive an obnoxiously large pickup truck, but actually do work in it. You recently covered up a ‘bad idea Spring break of ’02 tribal tattoo’ with your kids’ names. You’re a conservative but really don’t give a shit how anybody else wants to live.
BigXthaPlug (ft. Bailey Zimmerman)
“All the Way”
You think listening to this in your unblemished Warlock gives you street cred. Your entire closet is white tee shirts and henley collars. You get all your music recommendations from TikTok. You live in Vestavia Hills and consider yourself a small town boy. Your stepdad keeps trying to get you to listen to a band called “Turnstile Herbivores” or whatever.
Turnpike Troubadours
“On the Red River”
You need a hug.
Morgan Wallen
“Miami”
You spent more money on a lift kit than your education. The last book you read involved an inquisitive primate and his friend with a yellow hat. This song is the closest you’ve ever come to hearing Keith Whitley. The car wash has asked you and your friends nicely to stop drinking in the parking lot and the next time they’re calling the cops. You aren’t worried because your dad is a cop.
