10. You're loudly yelling at your ex-husband on the phone outside a tanning salon
9. You're only getting the Aryan nation prison tattoo lasered off now that your son's dating a black woman
8. Your truck cost more than you and your neighbor's trailers put together
7. You're sporting a Kane Brown t-shirt …and an ankle bracelet
6. You got a DUI on the way to church
5. You recently asked your friend about hosting an essential oils party at her house because your apartment is being fumigated right now
4. You have said: "I'm not racist, I listen to Kane Brown!"
3. People can see a dolphin tattoo on your butt cheek because your pajama pants are sliding down in the express lane at Walmart where you have 27 items
2. You talk about country music evolving, but dropped out of school before biological evolution was taught
1. All your Facebook posts are either "if you come at my family, you come at me" or Kane Brown videos
Yeah, we've been a little hard on Kane Brown. His first music was amateurish at best, and his new songs are heavy on the pop and light on the country. He also tends to sing as if he's experiencing bowel discomfort. He also seems to have very thin skin toward "haters" and critics. All that said, we can find the good in every artist, right? Even the most disagreeable country acts have some songs that will surprise you. Here are the ten Kane Brown songs we think you should open your mind to and give a chance right now!
Some would imagine that relatively under-the-radar country singer/songwriters would not be as likely to be divas and d-bags as the ultra-hyped superstars. However, this is not to be.
Here are some of the most egregious offenders.
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10. Brandy Clark
Keeps "Draw 4" up sleeve when playing Uno
Tour rider requires Koolaid pickles, a Creed prayer candle, and 5 bottles of Olde English
9. Ed Hill
Thinks Farce the Music is hilarious
Actual crisis actor
8. Mac McAnally
Thinks Soulja Boy is better than 2Pac
Donates to charities promoting homelessness
7. Josh Grider
Does not tell someone if they have a booger
Hobby: Martin Shkreli fan fiction
6. Gretchen Peters
Has been kicked off multiple flights for fighting and drunkenness
Personally puts tiny scratch on each vinyl album ordered through her website
5. Will Hoge
Wears awkwardly short shorts to co-writing sessions
Default font on all emails? comic sans
4. Lori McKenna
Performs thorough and morally judgmental background check on co-writers
2 can a day Copenhagen habit
Wears big hats to church and sits in front of short people
3. Travis Meadows
Spreads nasty rumors about Whiskey Jack's hygiene
Argues with cashiers over expired coupons
Changes Alan Jackson online set lists and Wikipedia page to say AJ covers Lil Wayne, Future
2. Mandy Barnett
Writes "Nice" on page 69 of every library book she checks out
Coughs on buffets
Still wears a bluetooth earpiece
1. Kendell Marvel
Refused shot, gave 73 people flu this year
Secretly writes bro-country songs under pen name Chris DeStefano
Some would imagine that the fan-friendly, honest Americana music scene would not be as likely to contain divas and d-bags as the more mainstream genres of music. However, thanks to critic and hipster love for the buzzworthy genre, things have changed of late. This groundswell has slowly created a context wherein all manner of unlikely aspirants are more apt to let their jerk flag fly. Here are some of the genre's most egregious offenders.
10. Brent Cobb
"Forgets" to invite cousin Dave to family functions
Band members only allowed to speak to him by text message
9. Rhiannon Giddens
Borrows band members' phones and logs out of everything
Once put a fan who accidentally called her 'Rihanna' in a triangle choke submission hold
8. Amanda Shires
Wouldn't speak to husband, Jason, for a month when he opposed the name "Taco Lucinda" for their daughter
Performed an entire show of Rob Thomas covers when one crowd was smaller than anticipated
7. Rob Baird
Always eats the middle cinnamon roll out of the pan first
Spends hours a day leaving 1 star iTunes reviews on other Americana artists
Will only autograph thongs
6. Shooter Jennings
Puffs, doesn't pass
Got a secret tip and sold all his Bitcoin to Marilyn Manson just before Bitcoin crashed
Plans to do an all-EDM tour later this year
5. Ward Davis
Secretly bullies Cody Jinks
Still says "Dilly Dilly!"
Keeps telling everybody new music is coming "soon" but it never does
4. Holly Williams
First person to ingest a Tide Pod on video
Can only name 3 Hank Sr. songs
Drives 10 mph below speed limit in left lane
3. Drew Kennedy
Never cleans stations in the gym after using them
Doesn't wash out the sink after beard grooming
Tour rider includes "organic kale candy" and "fitted hemp Phillies cap"
2. Courtney Patton
Spreads rumors about Jamie Lin Wilson on Snapchat
Tells dirty jokes at funerals
Vapes dill pickle flavor at songwriting sessions
1. Paul Thorn
Does the old "replace the vodka with water" trick on his tour bus
Well yeah. Chris tours like crazy, but there have been no new tunes from his camp since 2012's Little Victories.
5 years is way too long a meantime to wait for songs from one of the best modern troubadours on the planet.
The writer of favorites like "Down the River" and "Enough Rope" has found his writing pen a little low on ink in recent years, according to statements to Juli Thanki a year or so ago.
Here's hoping the muse has been a little more giving recently.
2. Lucero
Since trimming the horn section from their road show, the alt-country favorites have gone quiet… at least on the recorded music front. They're still touring, though a bit less than their road warrior days. I heard they were in the studio early last year, but whatever they cut is still in the can. Hopefully, with their 20th year in existence
coming in 2018, they'll grace us with another classic. It looks like their tour dates pick up a
good deal in February, so maybe that's a good sign.
3. Kathleen Edwards
Kathleen, whose debut album Failer, is one of my favorite alt-country albums ever, last released a full album with 2012's Voyageur. In the years since, she's taken a sabbatical from music to run a cupcake shop or something or other, but she's played some shows this year. Anyway, I'm not sure what's up, but I want her back. She's a witty, passionate writer with an unmistakable voice. She's also adept at music with a purpose - songs with political and social messages that tear at the seams of injustice without yelling at anybody. Perfect for 2018, huh?
4. Dirty River Boys
Just about the time I discovered these guys for myself, they ceased putting music out there for me to hear. What gives? Their sound bizarrely combines Americana, punk, red dirt, and skate rock and somehow works perfectly. 2014's self-titled record is the last we heard from them. C'mon back fellas.
5. Adam Faucett
Adam landed in our top 5 with his last release, Blind Water Finds Blind Water. The keening Arkansas songwriter has toured, but there hasn't been a peep from the studio since 2014. The dark songs and that clear, haunting croon with the even more haunting falsetto are needed right now in my ears. I'll throw in on a Kickstarter.
6. Kelsey Waldon
Yeah, it was just 2016 when Kelsey last graced us with her songs, but what can I say? I'm greedy. Oh, and she should keep her name out there. There's a growing swell of awesome female country artists and songwriters and I just know the success of folks like Kelsey, Caroline Spence, Lillie Mae and others is inspiring a whole new generation of women to take up the guitar and tell us their stories. The more the merrier.
7. The Gaslight Anthem
Nothing since 2014's Get Hurt. Lead singer Brian Fallon has been doing the solo thing and it's fine and all, but I want the band back together, pumping out sad Springsteen-esque rock for my listening enjoyment in 2018.
8. Jack White
He's a busy man, running a record label, producing stuff, pulling recording stunts, and playing with other artists, but it's time man. Lazaretto in 2014 was the last release of a 'proper' Jack White album. If 2018 is Jack-White-album-free, he'll be sorry… when I complain a bunch about it online.
I don't know why I love this ridiculous costumed occult bunch so much, but I do. It hasn't been all that long since they put out new music, but now that I'm hooked, I need it with swiftness. Though categorized as metal, their 70s style rock is more akin to Queen (in theatricality, not sound) than Slayer. It's absurd, tuneful, surprisingly accessible given the subject matter, and highly addictive. They almost broke through (as much as a rock act can nowadays) to the mainstream with their hit "Square Hammer" last year, so it's time to strike while the iron is hot.
10. High on Fire
Give me my sludge metal now! I just read that they are writing a new album right now, so perhaps I should give this slot to another artist, but no. Hurry up with it, guys. I need my fix of down-tuned guitars and strangely melodic screaming right away.
Honorable Mentions: Northcote, Pistol Annies, Run the Jewels,
Baroness, Julie Roberts, Danny Brown, Car Seat Headrest.
Cody Jinks is in the studio now, so don't say he's missing from this list...
Top 10 Things Kane Brown Fans are Thankful For This Year
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10. That you don't have to pass an IQ test to get a driver's license
9. Nobody will notice if you're drunk at Thanksgiving dinner
because they'll all be stoned
8. Febreze
7. That God watches over drunks and fools
6. Cousins who don't kiss and tell
5. Finally told off that petty bitch on YouTube who was saying
Kane ain't country and she shut the hell up… wait, she's back
4. The space heater fire only took out a few of the cats
3. That opioid jokes aren't appropriate anymore,
so Farce the Music won't put one right here
2. Uncle Papaw won $8000 on the scratch-off, so it's gonna be a good Christmas
1. That you get to come to the sophomore parties when you're 20,
