Songs Illustrated #24

4 Parodied Country Covers

Since July's Country Day was at the very first of the month, here are a few covers to tide you over until August.

___ Deserves a Sackpunch #10

"Gets Trashed at the Concert" Guy

Hey bro. Yeah, you working at the Check Cashing Depot... you with the tribal tattz, soul patch and prematurely receding hairline You probably don't remember me. Think back a few years to the Metallica concert in Memphis. Yes, you were there. Me and my buddies slipped into our not-so-great seats with our nachos and $6 beers for an enjoyable evening with the aging metal legends only to have you make it memorable for all the wrong reasons.

Of course, you and your hoochie looking girlfriend (you probably refer to her as "baby mama 2" by now) had seats directly in front of us. Of course you missed the opening act. Who pays $75 to see a full concert when they can be binge drinking in the parking lot, huh? Anyhow, you and your lovely lady friend made a big ruckus getting into your seats just as the house lights dimmed to alert us of the impending face-melting metal. You spilled your $6 beer on a dude beside you and had the gall to let out a stream of profanity that distracted everyone in Section Q from the curtain drop. You immediately did an about face to go get another overpriced American lager, the opening song be damned.

Ahh, a reprieve from the douchebaggery... we rocked out for 2 songs full of pyro and overused 4-syllable words before you made your triumphant return, nearly falling in the wet lap of the seething guy you'd spilled your Bud on 3 songs prior. "Whoooo hooo, "Sad But True!!"" you shouted as the band cranked out "Fuel." Dumbass.

Skip ahead a few songs, a cacophony of "whoo hoos" and $24 worth of beer down your gullet later. We hadn't heard from your tool self since you stared down Chris for "accidentally" looking down your skank's top when suddenly we smelled something funny. Yep, the "tree" was burning, because you weren't nearly intoxicated enough yet. You soon would be, though, and at least that settled you down a notch or two. It did not, however, save your seat from destruction.

Returning from an umpteenth bathroom trip, stumbling, slurring, drooling and pekid, you sat down hard on your seat with all your roided up weight and fell right through to the ash covered concrete. Another cloud of foul language belched forth from your fat head until your girl passed you the blunt again.

At this point we figured if we were being denied our full concert entertainment dollar's worth, we'd entertain ourselves. Y'all were zombies by this point and we were a little buzzed too, so we started pouring beer down the back of your shirts. You never noticed, only later declaring of your soaked t-shirt "I'm sweating like a mug up in this bitch." Dumbass.

I don't recall what songs Metallica performed in their encore because I was laughing and gagging at you puking up a kidney all over the row in front of you (thankfully not the one behind).

So anyway, you...who paid $150 bucks for tickets, dressed in your finest size-too-small tattoo print shirt and high dollar jeans.... You who only came to make out with your ho' and sing along to the one song you knew (Enter Sandman)... You whose blood alcohol level was surely higher than Ted Williams' fabled .400 batting average as you ruined the show for scores of metal-heads.... You... take it like a man:

Prepare to "Ride the Lightning" bolt of pain from this merciless sackpunch!!!

*This story has been embellished a tad to keep it current, but it's 95% true.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #41

I've been asked many times if I write lyrics to music or music to lyrics. Well, kiddies, in the old days I did both at the same time. That's how you come up with most of the best sounding tunes. Once you get to the point that you have several tunes you really like and really work well, do what I do. I just dip back into the well, so to speak. Take an old song and rearrange the words a little bit, or change a chord here and there. When you've got a catalogue as successful as mine, you can do that. You wonder why all the songs on the radio sound alike? That's your answer children. Why the f**k should I go to the trouble of coming up with something new when the idiot public keeps buying the same sh*t with slightly different words? Does that make me lazy? Maybe. Rich? You mo-f**kin' right!!!!

Not actually written by John Rich.

The Wisdom of Roger Miller - a safety warning

Country Face Swaps

Face swapping was a popular internet meme a couple of months ago. FTM, always on the back of the curve, now presents the first edition of "Country Face Swaps." Click pics for a closer view.

Click here to view the Rascal Flatts

face swap in high resolution.

Double Rainbows

Here's a Cheezburger-ish Photocrap based on this and this. FTM is hip to memes.

YouTube Gems: Sean McConnell

Now that my Texas Twitter compadres have told me that it's better than okay for a guy to dig Sean McConnell, I can let y'all in on this fantastic, soulful artist. Great songwriter, great hooks, even better voice. Fans of Jeff Buckley, Will Hoge and David Nail would do well to check him out. In fact, here's a song David Nail recorded for his current album, "Looking for a Good Time."

Brad Paisley's "Water" parodied

Blogger

(Parody of Brad Paisley's "Water")

Cantankerous fool full of dead hot air

Twenty-five years old

Snarkin' everywhere

So much pretentiousness to share

As a blogger

Ninety-Five-Thirteen

With my new friends

We're in the know, or we pretend

Jimmy Wayne is a wuss

I make fun of him

I'm a blogger

Yeah when that comment thread starts to heatin' up

That always serves as proof

We've got traffic up

And folks are clicking through

What that means, I have no clue

Martina, Keith, Bucky and Blake

Are famous so I hate

With style so congratulate

This blogger

You know I have no joy

Yeah if I feel my foot start to tappin' down

And I start to sing out loud

I just punch myself in the ear till I feel the way I should

If it's popular, it's no good

Maybe it ain't fair

And I could be wrong

But I don't care

I even hate this song

I only like what's little known

I'm a blogger

I don't really care if you think I'm weird

That I have no dates

Well, that's pretty clear

You know that pretty girls all fear

Bloggers

4 Parodied Pop Covers

Little Known Facts III

Country singer Levester Sampsteen chose his stage name by dropping some monikers into a hat and pulling one out. Oddly, he'd forgotten to place any first names in the hat, so since he "drew" Kennedy, he went with that name. The rest is country music history.

When Carrie Underwood told Kellie Pickler she was a Vegan, Kellie remarked that she thought Carrie was from Oklahoma.

Leeann Rimes, after recalling the clientele of her hometown Pearl Walmart, has steadfastly refused shipments of any of her new albums to that store.

Martina McBride only drinks on days she receives royalty checks for "Independence Day." And Christmas. And days with "s" or "a" in them.

Topps Trading Cards put out a set of country star trading cards in the 90's that was a simple head shot of 25 popular singers. They had to use a wide angle lens for Wynonna's.

BomShel is a combination the two singers' names - Shelly and Bomeshia.

Miranda Lambert has never actually shot and killed a man, but then, her aim isn't all that good.

The members of LoCash Cowboys used to earn their keep as dance instructors.

Def Leppard, in anticipation of recording a country album later this year, has placed a want ad in several industry periodicals seeking "token fiddle player."

In his twenties, John Rich once valiantly rescued a cooler of Pabst that had tragically washed down into a culvert.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #40

I don't really have any songwriting tips for you this time. I just wanted to say I love you people. Really...like a sh*tty Rascal Flatts song kind of love. I get a bad rap (and really, what rap ISN'T bad? am I right?) in the media about having a terrible attitude, but I'm a sap at heart. If it wasn't for you and you where would I be? There would be no Muzik Mafia, no Mt. Richmore, no JR media empire, no gold plated Guitar Hero axe in my game room, no loose sluts tailing my every move, no John Rich Special Edition Seagrams bottle in my elevator. Man I love you so much it makes my pants get tight. Come 'ere and gimme a kiss. No, not you, your girlfriend.

*Not actually written by John Rich.

Band Mashup: C+AS=

Top 10 Captions for Jason Aldean Photo

Top 10 Captions for this Photo

10. Toolbag with toolkit.

09. Jason Aldean is very secure in his manhood

08. Jason just before undergoing his operation to become Jessica

07. Wuss is the new black

06. Now, Jason's wife had further concerns about the gerbil she'd discovered earlier.

05. Country singer Jason Aldean unveils his new line of emasculating accessories

04. Jason Aldean shows true colors

03. TMZ Exclusive: Aldean caught holding the bag - swears it's not his!

02. Jimmy Wayne has a new rival for the title of "most sissified country singer"

01. After his jail stint, Jason was a little different

5 Classic Album Covers: Photocrapped

YouTube Gems: Kathleen Edwards

Love this girl (artistically). I hope you do too. Either way, check this out!

Band Mashup: KOL + LR =

She Won't Be Homely Long (Parody Lyric)

She Won't Be Homely Long

(Parody of Clay Walker's "She Won't Be Lonely Long")

Somethin bout the way I'm drinkin' this Pabst a little faster

Covers up her flaws and wrinkles, like some magic plaster

Somethin bout the way she’s droolin' and ain't got no bra on

If she’s homely now she won’t be homely long

Heaven help me when I sober up

But it's too late, so barkeep fill my cup

My blood alcohol level says she won't leave here alone

If she’s homely now, she won’t be homely long

Somethin bout the way her tush is shrinking by the beer

Lets me know my sight is cloudin' while my intentions clear

Right now she looks like a Rottweiler just gnawing on a bone

If she’s homely now, she won’t be homely long

Heaven help me come the morning sun

But I won't regret it till this thing is done

My slurrin' and my flirtin' says I won't leave here alone

If she’s homely now, she won’t be homely long

If I had a woman like that

Man I’d blind myself

Oh, but tonight

I'm under her spell

I'm so glad that all my friends have headed home

So no one will ever know

Heaven help me when I sober up

But it's too late, so barkeep fill my cup

My blood alcohol level says she won't leave here alone

If she’s homely now, she won’t be homely long

If she’s homely now, she won’t be homely long

Venn Diagram: What do Colt Ford and Soulja Boy have in common?

Click for a closer view.

Country Day July: 2 Year Anniversary Edition

Farce the Music (+ a few months as "Photocrap") turns 2 years old on Monday, so we're celebrating with an extra large edition of Country Day. Thanks for sticking with me this long!