Nov 12, 2010
Nov 11, 2010
Jason Aldean's "My Kinda Party" parodied
Read no further if you have a sense of humor that doesn't include Jr. High flatulence jokes.
(parody of Jason Aldean's "My Kinda Party")
Yeah I ate old beets
Cold cuts, beans, nuts and cheese plate
Headed out to the club, can't be late
Fire it up and let my Hyundai sing
I'm feelin' kinda mean
I'm gonna ruin the Friday scene
Cause last week they cut off my drinks
Barkeep why don't you get me some Natty Light?
I know I'll never be invited to parties
After my revenge that's so vile
Kick the tires and light the fires
It's about time...
Oh baby what's behind me
I'm about to open up Hell's gate
Shittin’ sound creepin' out my blue jeans
Gettin' out would be the smart play
Cause I’ll find peace.
When my bottom lets out a real big stink
Fillin' up the barroom like my gas tank
Now the girls have departed
Cause I kinda farted
Ah hell, these cramps are peaking
And the owner is straight up freaking
I soiled my Lees
While I sit here watching the paint peel
Here's another one louder than all the other ones
Just now the bar band quit playin' Sweet Home Alabam'
Swinging door flapping like a fan
Maybe my revenge is a little too elementary
But I'm leaving a complaint they won't forget
From my alimentary
Oh baby what's behind me
Yeah, I had to open up Hell's gate
Shittin’ sound creepin' out my blue jeans
Gettin' out would be the smart play
Cause I’ll find peace.
When my bottom lets out a real big stink
Fillin' up the barroom like my gas tank
Even the drunks have departed
Cause I kinda farted
Yeah, I found peace
When all this flatulence was released
But it's still a party till the winds cease
Even the manager's departed
Cause I kinda farted
Where ya’ll goin’?
Ain't nobody left breathin’
Nov 10, 2010
CMA Reactions
I'm too lazy to Photoshop something tonight so I'll mostly just wrap up the CMAs with some of my Tweets from tonight along with selected re-Tweets from other folks. I will say I'm happy for Brad Paisley (EOY), Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton (how cool is it that they have matching vocalist trophies?). Anyway, here's the Twitter silliness. Click on them for a closer view.
Guest Submission Country Day
Thanks to Phil (previously known as "F") for these parody cover submissions! As you can see, Phil likes the ladies.
Nov 9, 2010
Skip Black: The Farce the Music Interview
Skip Black is an acquaintance of FTM, a songwriter for Monument/Sony ATV and an enjoyer of fermented beverages out of North Carolina who recently got his first major songwriting cut with Craig Morgan's new single "Still a Little Chicken Left on That Bone." (Available here also)
Today, Farce the Music sits down with Skip for a serious and insightful discussion of songwriting, modern country and his premature baldness.
FTM: So what is "Skip" short for? Skippy? Skipford?
Skip: Skipper..my parents were real big fans of Gilligans Island!
FTM: Soo, just how much chicken IS left on that bone?
Skip: Are you being perverted? I feel uncomfortable answering this question.
FTM: As you should. How did you get your start in songwriting? Was the North Carolina moonshine industry not working out for you?
Skip: Well my daddy ran shine and my mom washed clothes for all the local upper class. We lived in a plywood house on the outer edge of the county line. My daddy found an old piano string in the junkyard one day when he was out looking for food. He brought it home and we nailed it to the front porch post and I noticed you could get some cool sounds out of it...oooh crap that's BB Kings story.
FTM: Right. Describe your process a little for me.
Skip: Usually we start with a Vodka and Redbull drink at 10am...then we drink a beer or 3 at noon..oh you mean the songwriting process...we just throw a bunch of stupid metaphors into a crock pot and end up with a simile.
FTM: No Skip, the process of making 'shine. Anybody can write a country song. Tell me about that sweet, sweet corn mash.
Skip: Oh well you have to have some copper and some overalls.
FTM: What was your costume for Halloween? Columbo? Mr. Clean?
Skip: Actually I bought some tattoo sleeves, a long wig and I went as Axl Rose. Last year I talked about "change" and filled my pockets up with change and had the people eating out of my hands..I just never used the change...though I did spend alot of money..I held on to the "change" that I talked so much about...who was I? I was Pres Obama!
FTM: So Mr. Big-time Songwriter, what are you going to buy with your first million-dollar royalty check?
Skip: Pay off my trailer and add some underpinning to help out in those cold winters!
FTM: Me, I'd buy the world's first quadruple-wide trailer. With HD TV's in every room and Natty Ice on tap!
Skip: Actually my uncle already has a quadruple-wide...he bought 2 double-wides and welded them together with some angle iron.
FTM: You've written a lot of redneck songs in your time. Are you pissed at Gretchen Wilson for making "redneck" a dirty word in Nashville?
Skip: No cause up here we just change it to "backwoods" or "good ol boy" or as AJ coined it "Country Boy"...we just use all the same stuff like tailgates, lift kits, and gun racks and just avoid using the word "redneck"...the listeners never even notice.
FTM: Name some of the esteemed co-writers you've worked at in your time (ahem, ahem....).
Skip: I written with Joe Leathers, Chuck Allen Floyd, Matt Nolen, Trent Jeffcoat, Brian Maher, Ken Johnson, Catt Gravitt, Nicole Witt, Mark D Sanders, Ed Hill, Kris Bergnes, Shane Minor, Lee Brice, and Kyle Jacobs just to name a few...actually they all let me sit in the room while they wrote a song...dude what's with the cough?
FTM: No, but uh, I think you failed to mention one of your co-writers who went on to be a uh, "well known" blogger, ha ha.
Skip: Um, are you referring to yourself?? I think I may have gave you some songwriting lessons before..was it one of those "pay to write with a hit writer" things? Yeah that's what it was! You paid me to write a few songs with you...actually you still owe me for that one that band from Texas recorded! Where's my hundred dollars?
FTM: Uh, nevermind.. but hey, don't forget the people you stepped on during your upward climb when you're on your way back down, boss... Anyhow, next question. Outside the obvious Taylor Dayne and Hillary Duff, who are some of your influences?
Skip: Edbassmaster and Jack Vale really are huge influences..then there's Jack Daniels and George Dickel
FTM: Your buddy Joe Leathers got to write with Guy-freaking-Clark to pen a song for his and Kenny Chesney's albums. How do you hide your jealousy when you're around ol' Joe these days?
Skip: I usually just avoid Joe all together because it's so hard to fit both of our egos into one room..plus he's jealous of my biceps so that offsets my jealousy.
FTM: Have you read some of the venomous reviews of the Craig Morgan single (Still a Little Chicken Left on That Bone) that you cowrote and if so, should multiple bloggers (Jim Malec, Kevin John Coyne, etc) be on the lookout for an angry baldheaded songwriter in their rearview mirrors?
Skip: What reviews? I don't read any of those lame songwriter wannabe sites so I'm not sure what you're talking about...I'm too busy counting my royalties!
FTM: I criticize and make a lot of fun of commercial country music on this blog. Will you toe the corporate line and tell me country radio is a perfect, wonderful product or be honest and say what a massive putrid, rotting, black hole of a sewage lagoon it has become?
Skip: Actually I don't listen to country music. I listen to over -produced, pitch corrected, slick songs that sound contrived and that are written specifically to appeal to a certain demographic that was pin-pointed by a dozen guys in a conference room wearing business suits...oh shit! I guess I do listen to country music!
FTM: Huh, that's interesting. What's your checking account number? You can tell me off the record.
Skip: My wife won't give me that info.
FTM: Well, you were just being so open, I figured I'd give it a shot.
Skip: The only thing I'm about to open is a 12 ounce!
FTM: Good call, Mr. Black. Next question: What sort of music do you listen to for actual enjoyment?
Skip: I listen to Slipknot, Cradle of Filth, and Fear Factory.
FTM: Rock on. I would have put money on Katy Perry. Actually I still would... I'd happily slide a few dollar bills into her... um, nevermind.
So, what level of success do you need to reach before you quit your day job at Dollar Tree?
Skip: Actually I just made manager there so I may stick around for the insurance and 401K.
FTM: Fair enough. Well now, Skipford, it's time for the lightning round!
How many beers does it take for you to do RuPaul karaoke?
Skip: As many as you'll buy me
FTM: Last game you ate.
Skip: Possum
FTM: I meant like Scrabble tiles or something. But, cool. Tupac or Biggie?
Skip: Monopoly
FTM: Who would win in a wrestling match: you or Kye Flemming?
Skip: I already beat her in thumb wrestling so you decide
FTM: Your favorite episode of the Brady Bunch.
Skip: The one where I grabbed the remote and turned it
FTM: Have you ever ghermed (Kellie Pickler's beau and writer of Garth's massive hit "More Than a Memory") Kyle Jacobs?
Skip: All the time
FTM: If you could share a meal with any 4 famous people, dead or alive, would you take them to McDonald's or What-a-Burger?
Skip: What-a-Burger cause their fries rock!
FTM: Man, I really think you should pitch "Strangers" to somebody again, Jason Aldean could do it right... that's a damn good song, if I do say so myself, and my car needs new tires, and...
Skip: That's not really a question... wait, that's the song you owe me $100 for!
FTM: Right. Uh, what singer would you most like to have sing one of your songs?
Skip: William Hung or that Pants on The Ground guy.
FTM: I can respect that.
Well, thanks a lot Skippy, I have really enjoyed our conversation here. Good luck with your new song and I'll raise a few Natty Ices tonight to you having many more cuts in the future.
Skip: Thank you for using my name to help boost your blog! Now how do I get paid?
FTM: Uh, wait till the 15th and I'll see what I can do.
Nov 8, 2010
Nov 7, 2010
Jason Aldean Deserves a Sackpunch #12
Jason Aldean deserves a sackpunch
FTM has one true foe.
It's not Taylor Swift; she's got a unique niche and doesn't seem to be influencing a horde of clones. It's not Rascal Flatts; too easy, and they seem to be past their peak anyway.
No, FTM's official enemy of state is a wolf in sheep's skin. He looks the part of a country singer. He has a country drawl. He references the greats (Cash, Possum, etc). He's even authentically southern. I suppose you could even say he's talented... with a distinctive voice, "it" factor... and he's certainly got more country cred than the aforementioned artists. All for naught.
Jason Aldine Williams, aka Jason Aldean, is a scourge on country music. Garth Brooksian, even. What I mean by that, is that Aldean may change the face of the genre to a degree not seen since Brooks supposedly brought on the pop-pocalypse in the 90's.
Garth came hard with the arena rock; Aldean takes that a step further, jacking up the guitars as loud as anything you'll hear on douche rock radio. "She's Country" had riffs rivaling some mainstream metal acts.
Garth wasn't afraid to inject pop into his tunes, even counting a Billy Joel cover among his biggest hits. Aldean's new album contains a duet with American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson, that is 100% pop and primed for crossover.
As if those slights weren't enough, Jason has gone a step further in his plot to undermine all we hold dear at FTM. I realize I've already run this point into the ground, but really, can I say it enough? The second track on Aldean's new album, Screw You, Country My Kinda Party, is a rap song. Again, it's a rap song. Not talking blues, not Jerry Reed-style talking country.... it's rap.
We all knew this was coming. The verses of Big & Rich's first major hit, "Save a Horse," fell into a gray area between talking country and rap. The song came off as a one-off lark, and was at least a fun guilty pleasure - depending on who you ask. Their buddy, the affable Cowboy Troy, is a "hick hop" artist who's had several minor hits. Colt Ford has a similar story. These two guys seem pretty authentic, for what it's worth, and I have no problem with their chosen musical outlet. Then again, these are the exceptions and the latter two have thus far not shown themselves to be very influential in the direction of mainstream country.
"Dirt Road Anthem" (a Ford cover) is a harbinger. A major country singer on the verge of A-List/Entertainer of the Year-type stardom has recorded a song (which will definitely be a single, write it down) that is not just hip-hop influenced; it IS hip-hop. It's undeniably catchy (I shouldn't have admitted that) and will surely catch the ear of younger "country music fans" and soccer moms alike. And you know Nashville, follow don't lead; the gates will swing open wide.
The shrinking crowd of "real country" fans already has enough to bitch about... Sugarland, Swift, Rascal Flatts, etc. The introduction of rap into commercial country will be the final straw in the broom to sweep the last of us holdouts (who still enjoy Gary Allan, Brad Paisley and a few others) away for good.
Sure, I'll still tune in for comedy material and sometimes with "trainwreck" fascination, but I doubt I'll ever listen to US 96.3 for actual enjoyment again once the lineup is half pop, a quarter hip-hop and a quarter poser country boys. I shouldn't care anymore - it's been sliding for a long time - but I still have affection for the artists who at least attempt to bring more traditional sounds to the airwaves. Unfortunately and irreparably, the silver lining is about to come off the dark cloud.
And for that, Mr. Aldine, I suggest you pad your Wranglers with a few gym socks. Here's your crotch rocket of a fist assault. This one's gonna hurt you for a long long time....
Nov 5, 2010
YouTube Gems: Randy Houser
I couldn't find any high quality videos of songs from Randy Houser's new album They Call Me Cadillac (for which I wrote a review you can read here), so here's his excellent debut single, performed at the Grand Ol' Opry:
And now for something a little more worthy of space on the blog....
Movember!Huh?? you ask....
Well, I'm plain lazy, so I'll just steal borrow the text from Drew Kennedy's website:
"I’ll keep the background history of this marvelous movement short– basically a few fellows in Australia created it as a way to raise awareness about prostate cancer. Just how is awareness raised, you ask? Well, it’s raised by sporting that classic of all facial hair styles, The ‘Stache.
They call them ‘Mo’s. I’m trying to get used to that. I’ve always gone with ’stache, but ’stache can’t easily be worked into the name of a month… but I digress.
So, Josh and I signed up, and trimmed away. The end result can be seen in the photo above. Movember doesn’t only raise awareness, but it also raises money for two charitable organizations: The Prostate Cancer Foundation and Livestrong.
We’ve committed to these ’staches (’Mo’s… ‘Mo’s… working on this….) for the entire month (and really, who wouldn’t? look at how SWEET it looks!!), and we hope that you’ll commit a little bit of cash to our quest to ’stache out prostate cancer one ‘mo at a time."
You can support this awesome effort by kicking in a little do'(nation) at Drew's page or Josh's page. Do it!
Nov 4, 2010
Jason Aldean's new single cover
(...if it's released as a single... and yeah, we're running this rap song thing into the ground. Deal.)
Nov 3, 2010
Lady Antebellum lyric parody
Wally World
(parody of Lady Antebellum's "Hello World")
Parking lot
Smells like crotch
Spot opens up in the front after I parked in the back
I see an obese man, parked in handicap
No sticker on his Chevrolet
His massive hands, steer a Hoveround, and he scowls at me
Hey Wally World
How you been?
Hate to see you, can't pretend
Sometimes I fear, walking into here
Chokin' back my sad and angry tears
This place is hell, Why do I do this to myself? Oh Wally World
Every time I choose the cleanest grocery cart
Its got one broken wheel, it squeals and pulls left real hard
Maybe I should step aside, say a prayer
But it's even more than God can bear
Oh I'm getting scared, I pray my life to spare
Well Wally World
How you been?
Hate to see you, can't pretend
I lose my smile on the center aisle
Wife just wants chips, have to walk a mile
This place is hell, Why do I do this to myself?
Oh Wally World
Lady forgets what the express lane's for, twenty or less, she's got 34
She needs a price check
On a five dollar dress
I blame my wife, that I may spend my life in Wally World
Wally World
Cutting prices everyday
But with your soul you will pay
The light stops flashing green
I fall down on my knees
In Wally World, Wally World, Wally World
Nov 2, 2010
.99 Reviews: Jason Aldean - Dirt Road Anthem
Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist's .99 Review
Trailer asked me to take over one of his usual duties for this particular review. He shows a lack of commitment if you ask me, and this is a hallmark of indolence. On to the review...
---------------------------
The Sinners' Takes
BG (3 Stars)
by Tabor Lee
hahahahahaha is that jason aldean's sorry cover for dirt road anthem? wow, not a bad album, but jason aldean just caint sing brantley gilbert or colt ford's songs. go ahead and steal someone else's songs.
Disappointed (2 Stars)
by Sarah Schroeder
The rest of (Aldean's new album) might be great but I really can't get past the fact that "My Kinda Party" and "Dirt Road Anthem" are not Jason Aldean's songs, they are originally sung by Brantley Gilbert, and much better I might add...
---------------------------
My Testimony
This may be one of the most sinful songs I have yet reviewed for this "blog," (that's saying a lot since a previous song put me in the hospital for a weekend's stay - thank you for the cards and flowers!) and the fact that Mr. Aldean has, according to iTunes reviewers, actually stolen this song from a lesser known singer makes it all the more egregious. Really Jason? Haven't your other musical interpretations put enough of the root of all evil in your Wrangler pockets?? Are the countertops in your mansion not granite-y enough? Are your Viking appliances not applying to your satisfaction?
Aldean's greed and peculation aside, this song presents the listener with some iniquitous habits, literally and spiritually. The song opens with a chorus that teaches impressionable young country fans that drinking and smoking (while driving!!!) is an acceptable practice. Also, he makes reference to that wicked sinner George Jones, holding him up as some sort of miscreant role model.
As I know country music, gospel and bluegrass to be the only acceptable forms of musical expression in the eyes of the Lord, the verses of this "anthem" truly turn from the will of Holiness. Jason invokes the vilest trash of "music," by rapping the lines. I felt the slow turn of Satan's gaze upon my neck as Aldean "dropped some knowledge" on me about more devious doings in the late night hours of the rural south.
Jim, Jack, Marlboro, fornication, fighting, hell-raising... Aldean hits every country bullet-point on Hell's introductory brochure. But "I ain't hearin' that yo," and neither is God. I believe this country has lost its way and that this is another knock against the Father and that he soon may remove his hand of protection.
I feel certain this album cut from Aldean's new album will find its way to radio before long, as just another step in the Liberal Media's plot to pull the roots of country music and the good zealous country fans of the red states. I only pray that you are all prepared for the Judgment that will surely follow. When I hear the beat of this song, I hear the distant hoofbeats of four fearsome steeds.
Total Value: .00/.99
Oct 31, 2010
Top Ten Shortest Books by Country Artists
10. Original Thoughts - by Kenny Chesney
09. Country Healthy: Our Favorite Lo-Cal Recipes - by Garth and Trisha
08. Can't Get Blood from a Turnip: The Prudent Choices of Curb Records
07. Clean Shot: On Hunting and Fair Gamesmanship - by Troy Gentry
06. Hank to Hank: Good Advice Passed Down - by Hank Jr. and Hank III
05. Bad Decisions I Never Made - by Mindy McCready
04. Songs I Didn't Sing Harmony On - by Vince Gill with Emmylou Harris
03. Holler Back: Our Country Career - by The Lost Trailers
02. A Father's Love - by Doug Stone
01. My Favorite Interviews - by George Strait
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