Country Christmas Cards: Alan Jackson

Front:

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Inside

Thanks to CM Wilcox at Country California for this idea!

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist: A Christmas Review

Lady Antebellum - All I Want for Christmas is You

Where do I begin? Oh, seasons greetings! Happy holidays! Have an enjoyable time of winter festivities!

Just kidding people. Merry Christmas! The war against our sacred holiday is never over. Why just this morning, a Walmart greeter called out to me "Good morning!" Standing there with a blinking wreath around her name tag and everything, Anna Beth Thompson had the gumption not to mention the very reason I must be entering her workplace on this cold mid-December morning (I was looking for a VCR tape of this popular "Interception" movie or some-such for my nephew Claude's Christmas gift)

This band has the audacity to release a Christmas EP with only one single true Christmas song that mentions the birth of the sweet little rosy-cheeked baby Jesus. WTH (heck)? Just call the album "A Merry Little Politically Correct December Event" so as not to bring the good Lord into your secular festivitizing.

Anyhoo, this song. This song… first of all it's a cover of a song by this hussy Maria Carry. You know, that 40 year old gal who goes galavanting around with men half her age, showing off her mammary glands at any given moment. I swear you'd think she'd just go topless… might as well; we've seen it all anyway. When will ladies learn that their milk dispensers are only functional devices? They are not advertisements for subhuman desires.

Back to the song. On the surface (I use that phrase a lot about these popular musical selections), this is a song with a good message: that love, not material goods, is not the preferred Christmas gift. That's all good and lovely, but there's a major caveat.

This "Christmas message" conforms to the popular culture and media's idea of "what Christmas is all about" not what the Holy Word proclaims it to be. In their world, Christmas is a generic term for a time of year where we should gather our friends and family close for overindulgence in food (gluttony), festivity (laziness), alcohol (drunkenness) and the like. I assume Lady A wants her beau for Christmas for carnal reasons alone. This country is going to Hades in a covered dish.

An excerpt from last Christmas at my house:

Larry (that's me): "Aren't we thankful that God sent his son to save us from our iniquities on this joyous day?"

Uncle Teddy: "Yeah sure, pass the dressing."

Cousin Shelly: "I got a new pair of sparkly skinny jeans!"

JJ from down the street: "Anybody got some more of that pear wine?"

Larry: "Who invited JJ??"

See, even in righteous families such as mine, the true meaning of Christmas has been diluted, and songs like this only add to the distractions of this hustly bustly time of year. Forget what Rudolph and Charles Kelley tell you is the "real meaning" of the season. Look in the Gospel, my friends. Praise Jesus!

I guess I've said enough. I hope you enjoy this Christmas without soundtracking your celebrations with sinful drivel such as this. Do not let Satan enter in to this Holiest of times.

And don't get me started about New Years.

F

What's in Jamey's beard this Christmas season?

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Fun With Charts & Graphs: Christmas Edition

Country Christmas Cards: Garth Brooks

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Country Day December '10

YouTube Gems: Steve Earle's "Galway Girl"

Country Christmas Cards: John Rich

FTM has been lucky enough to get on a few stars' mailing lists and we've acquired some holiday cards the stars are sending out this year. First up is John Rich.

.99 Reviews: Aaron Lewis - Country Boy

Aaron Lewis (with Chris Young, George Jones and Charlie Daniels) - Country Boy

(Note: linked version does not feature the guest stars)

The People's Take

Aaron is the MAN!! (5 Stars)

by Casie Browning

My wife and I have loved Aaron since Staind started back in 96'. His lyrics have always spoken to us and this song makes us love him even more. Get this now and request it on all the country stations out there.

Watch out country music, Aaron Lewis HAS ARRIVED!!! (5 Stars)

by redheadfaxy

Absolutely LOVE that voice!

My Take

Another day, another rocker going country. I'm not going to delve into the authenticity of this song; I have no idea if Lewis, lead singer of nu-metal outfit Staind, is actually from the country and I don't care. I'm going to take this thing at face value. First of all, he doesn't stray from the down-in-the-mouth, angst-filled delivery he used in modern rock hits like "So Far Away" and "It's Been Awhile." That alone makes this song nearly unlistenable as Mr. Staind never varies from his Alice in Chains-lite vocals. To play devil's advocate though, at least he didn't suddenly develop a Clearchannel-ready twang. Still, it's disconcerting in the context of this song.

Next of all, if there's a "proving my country cred" song with more rural touchstones than this, I'll eat my iPhone (not really; Justin Moore might ruin my lunch with his next release). Hank, guns, jeans, t-shirts, trucks, whiskey, dirt roads, soldiers, patriotism, stubborn independence…. what else do you need right?

George Jones warbles a little and Charlie Daniels even stops in to tell us about family and country and say "sonsabitches" at the end. I guess Chris Young was in there too, but I couldn't pick him out in the first 3 listens… and I don't want to listen again.

Overcompensating much?

Again, I don't know if Aaron Lewis really grew up on a rural route or in a trailer park on 49 South, but even if Jamey Johnson sang this song I'd have to take him to task for going way too heavy on the back woods imagery.

A co-worker said it sounds like one of those songs on a rock album where the band tries its hand at country… and many have done so much better. Stone Temple Pilots, Alice in Chains and especially The Rolling Stones, to name a few.

And then... the song itself. It's as dull as any Staind album cut. That band, while milquetoast as all get out, still managed to create some "catchy" and successful singles based on the Nirvana quiet-loud formula. In "Country Boy," there is no differentiation between verse and chorus melody-wise. It's the aural equivalent of a wet dishrag.

While other rockers gone country have been received at country radio with open arms, I'd be shocked if this one got much of a run. It's just too tuneless and drab, and the superstar appearances have no positive effect whatsoever.

A minor kudos: there's a bit more honesty and grit to this than your average country cred tune, but that doesn't move the arrow much in the positive direction.

This is a dud.

Total Value: .25/.99

The Checklist: (I've added a couple of categories: blue jeans and dirt road)

Beer

Life Affirmation

Mama

Boots

Name Dropping

Dying Person

County Fair

Blue Jeans

Lost Love

Love

Hometown Pride

Kindly Advice

Dirt Road

Truck

Whiskey

USA

Soldiers

Pop Sheen

Star Power

Awkward Gary Levox Photo of the Week

Songs Illustrated #41

Larry Lee Reviews George Strait & The Band Perry

George Strait - The Fireman

This hedonistic song is about man who fancies himself skillful at romancing women, and refers to himself by the metaphorical nickname "the fireman," indicating a self-idoling confidence in his abilities to satisfy loose females. He lists instances of his sordid adventures as evidence. One story he relates leads one to believe he is partaking in an adulterous relationship with one paramour. The listener must gather that the singer is conducting lustful thought, necking, foreplay, intercourse outside the bounds of marriage as well as possible oral deviance. This disturbingly risky behavior is recounted with a flippant attitude about the perverse activities and also a lack of regard for the potential eternal consequences (What good is it for a man to gain a harem of sexually compliant women and lose his very soul?). As such, one can only assume Mr. Strait is a wicked, unsaved man and his work is not fit for good Christian people, especially youngsters.

F

The Band Perry - If I Die Young

I believe this to be a deviant song of demonic origin. On the surface, it is presented as a lovely, poetic song about the untimely death of a young lady and her desire to be given some romanticized ritualistic type of funeral. She makes requests of the good Lord, such as to make her a rainbow after her death. This alone goes against the spirit of God's Word, but the most evil meaning of this song is below the surface of the pretty pretty words (the Devil comes to us not in the hangman's garb, but in silken clothing). After intense prayer time and discussion with others from the West Holcomb Primitive Baptist Church, I have determined that this is a song that glorifies suicide. This young lady decides to end her life (with a "sharp knife"), and why?? Because she has not yet had sexual intercourse with a man! For shame! This depraved culture has put upon our young people that their self-worth is based upon how often they engage in the sin of fornication. I tell you America, we are now bearing the fruit of the abominable seeds sown in the late 1960's. I renounce you Satan! I pray the Lord shines his light down upon this young family musical band and shows them the error of their iniquity before they split the gates of Hell wide open. I will personally wash the feet of the Perrys should they choose to know and follow the will of the Lord.

F

Country Doppelgangers 10

First of all, we've got Chuck Wicks' ex, Julianne Hough, and Latina songstress Shakira.

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And here's country music newcomer carpetbagger, Josh Kelley who here looks a lot like Saved by the Bell/sex tape star Dustin Diamond.

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Charlie Daniels could get a second job as a Santa this month.

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Darius Rucker, current country star, was not only the lead singer of Hootie and the Blowfish, he also had a short stint as a R&B singer. In that stage of his career, he bore an uncanny likeness to 'roider Barry Bonds.

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No comment needed.

Sugarland on VH1 Divas Salute to the Troops

So apparently this show is Sunday night. I did not know Kristian Bush was considered a diva.

YouTube Gems: Horatio Jenkins

What could be better than Horatio Jenkins singing a Christmas song???

YouTube Gems: Big Boi

From my favorite hip-hop album of 2010, Sir Luscious Left Foot... the Son of Chico Dusty, here's Big Boi with "General Patton."

Review Fail IV

I like to review songs and album as much as the next blogger, but sometimes it's just more fun to sit back and let the (ir)regular music fans do it...

(Actual unedited (except for space on occasion) iTunes reviews)

Gwynneth Paltrow - Country Strong

Great song!

(5 Stars)

by Ash33333

Everyone she is not becoming a country singer she played one in a movie. So for everyone who is freaking out about the state of Nashville today calm down, and go see the movie it's about the ups and downs of the industry so you may like it. And the song itself is good.

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Haha

(4 Stars)

by Sallyjoflundersenthethird

To whoever said Nashville was a state:

That was funny, you made me laugh.

Nashville is a city, sweetie. The capital of Tennessee. :)

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State of Nasvhille?

(3 Stars)

by lksdgd

Pretty sure they were talking about the "state of Nashville" meaning the condition of Nashville, "Honey".

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Justin Moore - s/t album

Best CD

(5 Stars)

by Samjam1210

This is country at it's finest, Justin Moore is going to be the next George strait. All the songs are good on this album!!

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Woa....*Girlish squeel*......Drooooool......This guy is gawjuz!!!!

(4 Stars)

by *ThatReviewerChickWhoHeartsChuckBass*

Omgomgomgomg! I almost fainted when i saw this guys face!!! he is sooooo hot!!! ok i like his songs. they are fun, but origional!Which is great!!!His voice kinda sounds like a few other artists, but besides that, the guys got talent!!impressive justin! ;D

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Soulja Boy - Blowing Me Kisses

lame

(1 Star)

by 1511561651

stupied

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Ron White - Drunk in Public

this is ok

(4 Stars)

by laxin54

this is ok but hes not as funny as dane cook

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Jamey Johnson - The Guitar Song

Taylor Swift is waaaaaay better

(1 Star)

by Tom Bradly

Srsly who likes this retardation ???

that's NOT country

Taylor Swift is the REAL country artist

worst album ever

can't wait for Speak Now

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boring!! pillow music!!

(1 Star)

by Ilikerealmusicnotthiscrap

Is everyone who reviewed this cd deaf? How could anyone like this cd? I got my cd free (thank god) What the hell happened to the old Jamey Johnson? This cd will put you to sleep. I only like 3 out of 25 songs. This has to be the worst country cd this year! jason aldean, justin moore and kevin fowler are REAL country singers. Jamey Johnson sold out. what happened to songs like "redneck side of me" & "ray ray's juke joint"? Now he sings stupid songs like "baby don't cry" & "macon"--WTF?. I used to like Jamey Johnson but now I wouldn't walk across the street to see him. Some people call this Real country music. I call this put me to sleep pillow music. I bet this cd will NEVER have a #1 hit. I'm going to use my cd's as beer coster's while I listen to REAL country singers who sing REAL country music, not one's that put me in a coma like this crap. WAKE UP PEOPLE!

Awkward Gary Levox Photo of the Week