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Aug 19, 2013
Aug 18, 2013
Aug 17, 2013
Aug 16, 2013
Look Who Just Got Invited to Join the Opry
It's good news for a change!
Bet they won't sing this one there...
YouTube Gems: Uncle Tupelo
From Anodyne, here's Uncle Tupelo with "Chickamauga." By the way, if you're a frequent FTM reader and have never looked into UT, what are you waiting for? Uncle Tupelo gave us Son Volt, Wilco and the inspiration for a couple hundred bands after their demise and to this very day.
Hair Metal Country Bands? Grunge-try?
By Jeremy Harris
At some point modern country radio will either nose-dive into the ground …or pull up and straighten things out. I'm tired of fighting for it to get better so I've decided to help it drop like a rock by coming up with ten "Next big things" that should do the work. Surely recycling some bands from the past and country-izing them will do the trick and hopefully after reaching rock bottom radio will turn to real artists to bring back the fans who actually aren't stupid enough to love these ten re-envisioned bands. And just to be clear, if any record executives would like to steal my idea you owe me nothing. Hell, don't even mention my name.
A Fallout Boy Named Sue
Johnny Cash is very popular with the kids these days. Hot Topic sells his shirts like there's no tomorrow and I'm sure Fall Out Boy could use the cash at this point. There's also a lot of crossover for folks who wear black.
Slaughter Jennings
The last show featured on CMT that had even a hint of true country music left was The Dukes of Hazard. Success of this act is entirely banking on the hopes of a few modern country fans knowing who sang that catchy opening theme and Slaughter having enough living members to record an album.
Backroad Boys
Ah, the 90's. Boy bands were all the rage. Why not bring that back with the Backstreet Boys but fake countrified up to the tenth degree. What mindless numbskull wouldn't love this? They can say country is where their hearts have always been. They could wear matching Realtree outfits!
Hick Yeah!
While heavy metal supergroup Hellyeah have had plenty of success around the world, nothing could prepare them for how much idiots love the word "hick" and any band with any unnecessary punctuation in their name. Now just imagine if the exclamation point was upside down. (Editor's note: I have no idea what that last sentence means, but I left it in there so you know what we're dealing with when Jeremy Harris writes a feature.)
Scorpions Bed Liners
Scorpions already has cheesy lyrics about making love so why not add a fiddle to the sound and a truck product to the band name and sell a million copies.
Alice In Tire-chains
This is a no-brainer. Why not let Layne Staley join the list of dead musicians rolling in their graves. With enough work, Washington could be the new Georgia. Who could be the Dallas Davidson of grunge-try?
Buck Slayer
It seems all modern country listeners either hunt or like to pretend they do so let's capitalize on this by unplugging Slayer and giving them all the camouflage a country boy would ever want. Also, stickers of this logo would sell like $2 meth to Brantley Gilbert fans.
Kris Kross Kristofferson
Yeah I know, one of the members of Kris Kross is dead. I don't remember which one and you probably don't either. What we all remember is how catchy that "Jump" song was. We also know that vampire movies are very popular with young Americans so let's incorporate that old dude from Blade in this one.
Michael Jackson dying may be the greatest thing to ever happen to modern country music. The Jackson 5 were giant hit makers back in the day so now just imagine locking "Rockin Robin" into four low.
Kiss (My Country A$$)
Gene Simmons has made millions selling worthless crap to fans for years but at some point he and his painted associates will run out of money. This is the prime time to introduce some new fans to a marketing genius. Plus their lyrics weren't that deep to begin with so let's just add a boat to "Christine Sixteen".
Aug 15, 2013
Hank Williams Museum Commemorative CD
Tradional country and honky-tonk musician Joey Allcorn is staying very busy these days. The Georgia native has a new album due out in 2014, but it's the current project Allcorn is working on that is getting a lot of attention.
The album will be available only exclusively through the museum. All the money brought in from the album sales will go directly to the museum. Allcorn recently told me the money from the album sales will also help the museum to do projects that promote Hanks memory and legacy.
To help ensure that this album sees the light of day and to help the museum, I encourage you to visit www.theHankWilliamsMuseum.net and click on the Hank Record link. There are some awesome rewards you will get based on your contribution. Go see for yourself.
Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Luke Bryan - That's My Kinda Night
(click to listen)
Proverbs 18:15 ESV
An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge.
It looks like the writers and singer of this impossibly stupid song failed to study their Proverbs. Instead, they delight in being dummies. They rejoice in jackassery. They exalt idiocy. If one wishes to witness the results of the American educational system, they need only turn the radio to a country or "hip hoppin'" station. There, the buffoonery and feeble-mindedness of the general populace is on full display for your incredulous ear.
And now we have the point at which these two bastions of bone-headedness come together! Yes Christians, the country folk and their urban brothers are finally setting aside their differences and smashing the musical genres of Blake Shelton and "Snoopy Dogg" together into some un-Godly mess of slang and lapsed morals. When two dummies collaborate, you can't expect anything enlightening to come of it. Mercy upon those who enjoy this travesty!
This Luke Bryan song speaks of hottie country girls and beer and tailgates. At one point, Mr. Bryan even asks his female companion to hand him a beer while they are still in his "big black jacked up truck." This is not only against the Lord's will and against the law, it is in direct conflict with furtherance of the human species. Natural selection, I believe they call this? Unfortunately, Darwin seems to be wrong yet again because people just keep getting stupider and stupider.
Proverbs 1:5 ESV
Let the wise hear and increase in learning, and the one who understands obtain guidance.
Luke Bryan and the writers of this song seem to prove the old saying that "a fool despises wisdom." Fans of this song are allowed to operate motor vehicles and vote. If that doesn't make you turn to God, I don't know what will.
Folks, any song that celebrates that lusty pervert Conway Twitty can't be any good for the soul. This one is also detrimental to the mind. Stay far from this if you value your earthly virtues and expect eternal rest. And for you low-information music fans who live only to see Mr. Bryan "twork" his backside in jeans a man should never wear and sing drivel such as this….. Hell awaits.
F
Aug 14, 2013
If Dallas Davidson Had Written These Americana Classics
If Dallas Davidson Had Written________
Steve Earle - Copperhead Road
Well my name's Brantley Gallimore
Standin' in the line at the grocery store
The only fake ID we've got is mine
So I'm buying' five jars of Kroger Moonshine
Lyle Lovett - If I Had a Boat
If I had a boat
I'd fill it up with hotties
And if I had a jet ski
I'd ride around my boat
And we could party all night
Shake it for me, hotties
Me upon my jet ski round my boat
Ryan Adams - Come Pick Me Up
I wish I could
Come pick you up
In my truck
Buzz you up
Crank Nickelback
See all my friends
They're all full of beer
There's no lines in your tan
Let's skinny-dip
I wish you would
Lucinda Williams - Car Wheels on a Gravel Road
Chillin' in a pasture outside of Macon
Jay-Z is rappin' on the radio
Smell of bonfire, dip and Jager
Truck wheels on a gravel road
Gram Parsons - Return of the Grievous Angel
Won't you rock my world little country girl
And ride with me out of town
Check out these sweet deer tracks I got at the tattoo parlor
And then pull your cut-off jeans on down
Aug 13, 2013
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