Country TwitterWIN: August '15

Also NSFW

 

How to Become a Bro-Country Singer

This song by The Beaumonts details how to become a very successful
bro or fake-outlaw singer overnight. 

NSFW!

Stefon from SNL Goes Country

Helpful Tips for Country Music Festival Attendees

 A few helpful tips for enjoying your mainstream country music festival this summer:

• Hydrate before entering concert grounds (that means drink water, Luke Bryan fans)

• Apply 50 SPF or higher sunscreen

• Familiarize yourself with exits - that will come in helpful during the likely riot

• Drink in moderation or pace yourself (Fireball, water, Jager, water, Fireball, water, vomit, repeat)

• Pre-plan meeting places if your group gets split up

• Make sure you have paper or digital ticket ready when waiting in line

• Drive a car to the concert and you'll be able to find it more

quickly after the show because literally everyone else will be in a truck

• Take a self defense course prior to festival

• Never look a bro in the eyes; you could probably kick his ass,

but is he really worth a night in jail?

• Never accept open drinks from strangers

• Wear a knife/bullet-proof vest under your wife-beater

• The only sexual relations that should take place on festival grounds
is you getting screwed out of $7 for a domestic tall boy

• Don't believe she's "on the pill" if you just met her

• The stoner who hugged you during Eric Church's encore
is not your friend; don't loan him twenty bucks

• If you notice that someone has gotten a wallet chain through security, 

avoid them because wallet chains can be used as weapons or means of restraint

• After eating concert vendor fried foods, never trust a fart

• You can buy that $35 t-shirt for $25 on their website

• Men in huge novelty foam cowboy hats are always perverts

• When the riot breaks out, hide in a rolling beer cart - nobody's going to destroy a beer cart

• The sashimi tent is a bad idea

• If some drunk guy looks like he's about to puke, point him toward

the tall guy with the girl on his shoulders who are blocking your view

• Don't video songs - are you seriously going to subject yourself to Tyler Hubbard more than once?

• Don't eat anything you don't want to taste twice

• If someone cuts in line for the port-a-potties, wrap wallet chains around the potty and lock him in

• If he's got a barbed wire tattoo, he's got an STD

• If she's got a tramp stamp, she's probably got a kid your age

• Stop drinking 2 hours before the show's over; is seeing

Chase Rice warble about hotties really worth a f***ing DUI?

• Never yell "come at me bro" because the sheer number of nearby bros

who will think you're talking to them ensures a beatdown

• When leaving the concert, never tell your arresting officer

to "s*** your d***" or that your dad's a lawyer

More Examples That Idiocracy is Here

 

Bro Quotes from this article.

Meet Uncle Ezra Ray

Country TwitterWIN: June 2015

He-man Woman-Hater's Club

Background Info

(Note: In Hill's interview, he actually said females were the ones who predominantly
didn't want to hear females on the radio - though I believe our buddy Windmills Country has refuted that at some point - either way, work on that ladies... I'm tired of the sausage party)

If Dallas Davidson Had Written These Americana Classics

If Dallas, or other bro-ish songwriters had penned these great Americana tunes...

Turtles All the Way Down
Every time I'm crankin' up my new green Raptor pickup truck
I'm chillin' like a villain cause I'm chromed out and so sweet and so fly
Grappler Nittos, LED, silver gearshift, and HIDs they all changed the game for me
But girl, the only thing I want's your ass tonight

Two More Bottles of Wine
Two guns on my back, tattoos lookin' fine
Haters on Twitter saying I'm out of line
But it's all right 'cause I'm so tight
And I got two more bottles of shine

Cover Me Up
So girl leave your Dukes by the bed/I'm bout to drop tha boom
Till there's an illegitimate child growing there in your womb

The Road Goes on Forever
Down farm road after midnight with some Jeremiah Weed
Drivin' drunk with a big ol' dip and Axe sprayed all over me
She's wearing those old Levis that show off suntanned skin
The bro goes on forever and the party never ends

Pancho & Lefty
Driving gravel roads my bro
Is gonna get your truck in dirt
While you wear your barbed wire tatt
And way too tight Ed Hardy shirt
You weren't your high school's smartest boy
But the most badass one it seems
You give every guy the mad-dog eyes
Never turn off your high beams

Pancho was a country boy
His Ford had flames and polished chrome
Wore his ripped-up studded jeans
To make the hotties sigh and moan
Pancho saw a bae so hot
Down at the Sonic parking lot
He stepped to her and spit some game
Took a Fireball shot

Kelsea Ballerini: Honest Radio Promo Ad