Top 10 Suggested Wedding Presents for Blake Shelton & Miranda Lambert

10. Stomach pump

09. Matching his and hers bulletproof vests

08. Their own taxi with a full-time driver

07. George and Tammy discography

06. Hogs (not Harleys - actual hogs to kill, smoke and eat)

05. A couple of these t-shirts

04. In-deerstand kegerator

03. Camo pattern dishes

02. Gift certificate to local wine and spirits merchant

01. Gift certificate to Betty Ford Clinic

Country Day May 2 of 2

Country Day May 1 of 2

In the Year 2030 #4

•Curb Records puts out Tim McGraw's Greatest Hits 14.5

•Forty-something Britney Spears finally given back control of her finances; promptly blows remaining fortune on pink lemonade vodka sours and quarter slots

•Brett Favre retires from football, plans country album

•Pop newcomer just plays Madonna & Lady Gaga songs while she changes clothes and dances provocatively; wins best new artist at American Music Awards

•Lil Jon elected mayor of Atlanta, okaaay

•Beyonce gives birth to 7lb 3oz baby girl, Jayonce Knowles Carter, who is immediately signed to a recording contract

•Classic country stations spin Gloriana, Shania Twain and Jason Aldean

•Terror alert raised to red during Source Awards

•Death metal given Grammy category; 2030's best album winner, Disemboweled Fungus Rape, eats presenter Lars Ulrich onstage during live broadcast

•Brooks & Dunn reunite for the Walker Scoot Boogie tour

•Jamey Johnson breaks hip after nasty spill over his own beard

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #35

Writer's block is something that affects nearly all songwriters. Bust on through it the JR way: Get you some comfy clothes on. Pour yourself a glass of wine and turn down the lights. Light a few scented candles. Get your writing pad and acoustic out and settle into a big fluffy beanbag with no distractions. Then just write. That's how ol'.... how an ol' fruity booty does it, lol! Psyche bitches!!! Ol' JR doesn't have writer's block. This large cranium is an endless source of timeless country hits. Suck it up sissies. "Writer's block" is like OCD, sex addiction or homo-ism... just a made up excuse to do things contrary to the will of the big guy in the sky! Preach on brother Rich!



*Not actually written by John Rich.

Snap Judgments: Promo Only Country Radio June

Holy crap. I expect your deep and abiding gratitude for suffering through this edition of future country single releases so you don't have to (unless you bravely follow some of the YouTube links). It's the worst bunch of slop I've had to subject my ears to thus far. I was literally slack-jawed with dismay half way through the set of songs. For example, Chuck Wicks' new song was far from the worst tune on the comp. I'm gonna stay far away from country radio in June and I'd advise you to do the same!

Here's the rundown:

Zona Jones - Prove Me Right
Zona tackles the rare and difficult "listing song" with his treatise about what he believes and how his woman's love is going to show him to be correct. Boring, cliché and boring are the three words I'd use to describe this song. D

Chuck Wicks - Hold That Thought
Chucky's comeback song finds him stepping into the "getting it on" song territory of Josh Turner and Billy Currington with less satisfactory results. While it sounds perfect for a slow white-person dance on a hardwood floor, Chuck's voice doesn't have the come-hither appeal of the aforementioned singers to pull off this bedroom burner effectively. And the line "why don't you lay back and fantasize about me" comes off twice as pervy as any lecherous line Jeff Bates ever sang. C-

Savannah Jack - I Know
Restless Heart redux? This definitely sounds like a throwback to 70's/80's pop country vocal bands and while that's somewhat refreshing amidst all the samey sounding popstuff that is current country, it's not that great of a tune. Nothing new lyrically, but this band may be worth watching down the line. C+

Ryan Bingham - The Weary Kind
Alt-country singer Ryan Bingham's Oscar winning marquis song from the Oscar winning movie Crazy Heart, The Weary Kind is a simple and heartbreaking glance at a broken soul. While I'd love to see this find a home on country radio, I also wish blowing on dandelions could grant your fondest desire. A

Rodney Atkins - Farmer's Daughter
See this review. D

Gwen Sebastian - V.I.P. (Barefoot Girl)
Gwen's "Mississippi Girl" without the specific locale reference. Catchy and pretty fresh sounding, I hope this song gains some, uh, footing. B-

Zac Brown Band - Free
ZBB annoyingly stretches out their smash-hit major label debut for yet another single. That said, it's a great song, perfect for this time of year. The live version (on their live album Pass the Jar and their previous iTunes exclusive) that incorporates Van Morrison's "Into the Mystic" is even better. Now get back in the studio! B+

Jason Mitchell - Slow & Steady
Kill me kill me kill me. Sorry about that. Back to the review. Jason sounds like the best singer from your high school show choir singing a Conway Twitty song at karaoke night. Except, the muzak version of Conway Twitty. D

Locash Cowboys - Here Comes Summer
No. D-

David Bradley - Soak It Up
This is probably what the result would be if Bruce Hornsby was tasked to write a country summer song. This guy makes Chuck Wicks sound gangsta. When did the whole pop invasion of country music become an adult contemporary invasion? F

Easton Corbin - Roll With It
An easy rolling Strait-esque mid-tempo track. Nothing new, but he sounds damn good rehashing previous kick-back classics. B-

Nathan Lee Jackson - Inside
More easy listening. If his voice wasn't different, I'd swear this was cross-country trekker Jimmy Wayne. I wonder if Nathan makes sure his purse and shoes always match. F

Dierks Bentley - Up On The Ridge
See this review. B

Alan Jackson - Hard Hat and a Hammer
Alan's meat and potatoes is the simple man song and here he delivers yet again. AJ's chugging right along doing what he does best and it is what it is. Enough cliches for ya? AJ could sing that line and make it sound AWESOME. B

Fast Ryde - Top Down
It's come to this. Jay Z proclaimed the death of autotune in rap music last year, after so much overuse of the voice altering production software. That didn't stop Fast Ryde from introducing autotune to "country" music. Sure George Strait used a little of it in "Stars on the Water" as a novelty to spice things a little, but here Fast Ryde serves it up as the main dish. Seriously, that's all this song brings to the table. The chorus makes Bucky Covington working a sudoku look smart. People, I'm running out of ways to say stuff sucks. F

Randy Houser - I'm All About It
As shallow as this song is, the more I hear it, the more I like it. Randy is a true talent who self-admittedly has to send cloying stuff like this to radio to get anything played. Given the choice of his crappy song and some of the previous crappy songs on this list, I'm going with Mr. Houser. C+

Josh Turner - All Over Me
Whereas Locash Cowboys and Fast Ryde's songs on this compilation are stupid summer movies made by C-List actors with a low budget, this song is a stupid summer movie starring Will Smith with a hundred-million dollar budget. Make sense? B-

Colt Ford - Chicken & Biscuits
I really don't know what to say at this point besides I really need a drink. This song is more country than half the other songs I've reviewed here, but it's a friggin' rap song. Chicken & Biscuits doesn't qualify as a guilty pleasure... I don't like it. I don't hate it either. I'm just really glad this is all over. Please help me. C-

YouTube Gems: Rodney Hayden

From his excellent! new album Tavern of Poets, which you can order here, here's Rodney Hayden with "Last Train to Rome."

Win Willie!

I thought of titling this "Win My Willie!" but that was too sophomoric even for me.

Anyhow, Rounder Records has provided me with 2 copies of Willie Nelson's new album Country Music to give away to a couple of you fine folks.

Here's the album description:

Willie Nelson goes back to his roots with a songbook of classic Americana. Country Music was recorded in Nashville, TN and produced by T Bone Burnett. Nelson wrote one track on the album, "Man With The Blues" and, with T Bone Burnett, co-arranged three traditional songs, "Satan Your Kingdom Must Come Down," "I Am A Pilgrim," and "Nobody's Fault But Mine." The album also features many popular old-time/bluegrass/folk songs including Ernest Tubb's "Seaman's Blues, Merle Travis' "Dark As A Dungeon," and Doc Watson's "Freight Train Boogie". Willie Nelson collaborated with many musicians on Country Music including old-time banjo master Riley Baugus, double bassist Dennis Crouch, and T Bone himself, all musicians featured on Raising Sand, the 2009 Grammy® award-winning Album of the Year by Robert Plant and Alison Krauss.

So how can you win? Just tell me a joke. In the comments of this post, on the Facebook "fan page" or on Twitter, give me your favorite joke or one-liner about country music or music in general. Steal it, make it up, Google it... just make me laugh. The best two jokesters win a copy of the album! It's that simple. You entertain me, you win my Willie! (sorry)

Bubba Downer Debunks #4

Click for a closer view.

Concert Review: Drive-By Truckers

Bear with me; I've never done a concert review before. As with my album reviews, this'll just be what a regular guy saw and heard...

Concert Review:

Drive-By Truckers

Memphis in May, May 1

If you're like me, you've got a list of bands and artists you have to see before they break up, die or you do. Drive-by Truckers was near the top of that list for me. Willie, Merle and AC/DC are also on that list for me, but happily, DBT is now marked off. Tom Lee Park, just off Beale Street and just up the bluff from the muddy Mississippi was the setting for the show.

2 days of sheeting rain had left the grounds an utter mess, pools of brown water, footprint pocked mud fields and brown sidewalks, but we had to see 'em regardless. It's possible even the Lord wanted to see the DBTs, because the rain stopped shortly before their set, a nice breeze cooled us down and the sun peeked through a few times. As that breeze rode in and just after catching the Burnside Brothers blues band and half a set from the North Mississippi Allstars, we found our spots on the slippery metal pavers in front of the stage and got ready for some [rock cliché]face melting[/rock cliché] southern rock. The band delivered.

Patterson Hood stepped to the mike in all his ragged rock star glory and ripped into the slow burning "After the Scene Dies" (from their new album The Big To-Do) with his shredded southeastern twang and it was on. The subject matter of music scenes gone by stretched into the next offering, "Self Destructive Zones" with Mike Cooley jabbing hair metal, grunge and American Idol in one fell swoop.

Speaking of music scenes gone by, all in attendance at this particular stage were skipping out on a bonafied rock n' roll legend to see DBT and Patterson made sure to chide us for it. "Jerry Lee (Lewis) is playing behind us...why are you here?" he questioned. He said his wife had called earlier and said she might come to the festival that day, but if she did, it would be to see the Killer, not them. The crowd ate it up.

All the while we sipped our $4 tall boys of watery beer (well, those of us who weren't partaking of the green leaf), the band members shared in a bottle or two of Kentucky's finest, and they weren't sipping. Shonna drank it like water, matter of fact.

For the most part, the songs played true to their studio recorded counterparts (of course, much more organic and inflamed in person), but on "72 (This Highway's Mean)" the band came across as a stone country act with John Neff's fine steel guitar work. It was an outstanding departure.

The climax of the night was, without a doubt, an epic take on Southern Rock Opera's "Let There Be Rock." Hood ripped the microphone from its stand for the first time, letting his guitar hang at his side and delivered a veritable sermon on the life-saving capabilities of rock n' roll. It was one of those performances that leave you feeling numb, not quite sure what you just saw and heard. Spectacular and moving, even to those unlucky souls who were unfamiliar with the band.

The band finished their set with the rollicking and [rock cliché]Stonesy[/rock cliché] "Shut Up and Get on the Plane" before bidding us adieu to go listen to our douche-rock that surely couldn't live up to the awesome sight we'd just witnessed (which it didn't - though I did enjoy Seether a little more than I should admit).

Mud, doped up North Mississippi Allstars fans and cheap beer be damned, Drive-by Truckers cemented their spot as my favorite band Saturday afternoon.

Setlist:

After the Scene Dies

Self-Destructive Zones

The Fourth Night of My Drinkin'

Birthday Boy

Girls Who Smoke

3 Dimes Down

Sink Hole

(It's Gonna Be) I Told You So

Get Downtown

This F*cking Job

72 (This Highway's Mean)

Sante Fe

Hell No I Ain't Happy

Marry Me

Let There Be Rock

Shut Up and Get on the Plane

Fun With Charts & Graphs: Texas

Country Doppelgängers 3

Collin Raye and Jerry Springer

Vince Gill and pirate lover/former Texas Tech football coach Mike Leach.

Justin Towne Earle and actor Giovanni Ribisi

Randy Owen, angry man, of Alabama and Kevin Nash, wrestler, of TNA.

Jason Aldean and Robert Van Winkle

Dwight Yoakam and Gollum

YouTube Gems: Band of Horses

From their forthcoming album Infinite Arms, here's Band of Horses with "Compliments," live from this year's SXSW.

Best of 2010 So Far: First 1/3 Report

I've decided to stop numbering my top albums list for a while mostly because I don't use spreadsheet software to make the list, so it's really hard to reorganize when something new comes out. Also, with the massive bounty of good music that has come out/is coming out this year, I'm not gonna bother with strict rankings until I have to or until I get a better grip on my preferences. The following list is a loose ordering of my favorites of the year so far. Even the albums at the bottom of the list are very good, which says a lot about the positive state of music (but not the music biz, ha). What else do I need to hear???


Top Albums of 2010
as of April 29

Band of Horses - Infinite Arms
Austin Collins - Wrong Control
Joe Pug - Messenger
Kasey Anderson - Nowhere Nights
Drive-by Truckers - The Big To-Do
Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings - I Learned the Hard Way
Dirty Sweet - American Spiritual
Great American Taxi - Reckless Habits
Trampled by Turtles - Palomino
Phosphorescent - Here's to Taking It Easy
Hellbound Glory - Old Highs and New Lows
Rodney Hayden - Tavern of Poets
Johnny Cash - American VI: Ain't No Grave
Hank III - Rebel Within
Drew Kennedy - Alone, But Not Lonely
Surfer Blood - Astro Coast
Blitzen Trapper - Destroyer of the Void
Tim Barry - 28th & Stonewall
Reckless Kelly - Somewhere in Time
The Brothers Comatose - Songs from the Stoop
Nightjar - Hometown Stranger
Titus Andronicus - The Monitor
The Hold Steady - Heaven is Whenever
Retribution Gospel Choir - 2
Alan Jackson - Freight Train
Ray Wylie Hubbard - A. Enlightenment B. Endarkenment (Hint: There Is No C)
Gary Allan - Get Off On the Pain
Butch Walker and the Black Widows - I Liked It Better When You Had No Heart
Whispering Pines - Family Tree
Murder By Death - Good Morning, Magpie
The Dillinger Escape Plan - Option Paralysis
D.B. Rielly - Love Potions and Snake Oil
Little Brother - LeftBack
Jakob Dylan - Women and Country
Memphis 59 - Ragged But Right
Slash - s/t
She & Him - Volume 2
Carolina Chocolate Drops - Genuine Negro Jig
Freedy Johnston - Rain on the City

Memphis in May parody album covers

I'm headed to Memphis in May this Saturday to take in North Mississippi Allstars, Government Mule, Richard Johnston, Drive-by Truckers and Alice in Chains (that is, if it doesn't flood). In honor of the annual event, I thought I'd post some parody covers of some of the bands who'll be playing this year. I'm not sure if they have quite enough crappy 90's bands on the lineup. What? Vertical Horizon and Creed didn't want in?

Summer Blows - satire lyric

It's almost that time of year for kids to get out of school and Yoo Hoo bottles to roll on floorboards. Almost every year, country songs praising the warmer months come out just in time to blare out the windows of bondo colored Mustangs and jacked up trucks everywhere. Well, truth is, once you pass the age of 25, summer just isn't as much fun.

Summer Blows

©2010 Trailer satires

Ice cream melts and beer gets hot

Girls wear skirts even when they're not

The lawn needs mowing every single week

You might get chiggers if you take a leak outside

Man, summer blows

Gas prices rise and the creek gets low

There's screamin' kids everywhere you go

The AC's running from dusk till dusk

Honey-do list has the wife on my butt

Damn, summer blows

I still remember

Those May to Septembers

'fore I graduated school

I did so much livin'

Hangin' out, going swimmin'

Yeah summer used to be cool

But now that I'm older

No tan on my shoulders

All that seems so long ago

All work and no playin'

And that's got me sayin'

Dadgummit summer blows

My white shirt's the color of sweat

Truck's runnin' hot and my Right Guard left

When I get home all there is to see

Is reality shows on the damn TV

Hoo, summer blows!

Bridge

Gimme some cool air

Gimme some fall

Gimme kids back in school

And gimme football!

But, I still remember

Those May to Septembers

'fore I graduated school

I did so much livin'

Hangin' out, going swimmin'

Yeah summer used to be cool

But now that I'm older

No tan on my shoulders

All that seems so long ago

All work and no playin'

And that's got me sayin'

Dadgummit summer blows

Little Known Facts

This is the first in a new series that reveals facts about your favorite country stars that you may not have known, and some are even true!

Shania Twain goes by the user name "Swiss Diamond" on eHarmony.

In his spare time, Daryl Worley is an accomplished violinist.

Brad Paisley is a 12% shareholder in a company that makes fake vomit and whoopie cushions.

Besides Darius Rucker and Jon Bon Jovi, other rockers who've considered releasing a country album include Sammy Hagar, Steven Pearcy of Ratt© and Jason Aldean.

Butter of Trailer Choir prefers to go by his birth name, Parkay Simpson.

Taylor Swift prefers dipping her french fries in her chocolate shake rather than ketchup.

Miranda Lambert celebrated her ACM victories by leaving a burning bag of dog poo on the doorstep of Taylor Swift's tour bus.

Jimmy Wayne says Uncrustables are the greatest invention of the past decade.

Jason Aldean is flattered by the interest from all his female fans, except Laney Childs of Mobile, AL.

Due to her as-yet undeveloped good hygiene habits, Patty Loveless was given the unflattering nickname "ratty Patty" by third grade classmate, Chad Carmichael. Carmichael disappeared shortly after a '93 Loveless concert in Louisville and has not been seen since. The country singer was not questioned in the incident.

Kenny Chesney denies rumors that he took steroids to enhance his build in preparation for his 3D concert movie. He did, however, enhance another part of his body with a gym sock.

John Rich doesn't drink anywhere close to the amount you thought - you vastly underestimated.

Billy Joe Shaver has never once uttered the word "afraid" in his life.

Kenny Rogers' pre-concert rituals include prayer, updating his fake Twitter account and downing three white Russians.

Songs Illustrated Twofer

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Parody covers of 4/27 new country releases

Relative Size Chart #19