Parody covers of 4/27 new country releases

Relative Size Chart #19

Top 10 Ways Kenny Chesney Will Spend the Upcoming Non-touring Summer

10. Cursing about the Twitter account @notkennychesney

09. Dating hot girls who wouldn't give a short, balding 40-year-old a second look if he were a burger jockey or bank teller or small business owner

08. Getting old blue chair reupholstered

07. Working on his Jamaican accent

06. Living his life completely in three dimensions

05. Starting his own footwear line that consists of only flip flops and steel reinforced boots (to prevent stage mishaps)

04. Watching soaps, eating bon bons

03. Sipping fruity drinks, if you know what I mean (I don't)

02. Planting palm trees around his new mansion

01. Secretly wearing sleeved shirts

YouTube Gems: Willie Nelson

From his new album Country Music, here is the legendary Willie Nelson with the lead track "Man With the Blues."

Country Doppelgängers 2

Dierks Bentley and Ian Ziering of Beverly Hills 90210 fame.

"Country" newcomer Laura Bell Bundy and random drag queen.

Zac Brown (sans hat) and the late Merlin Olsen.

Joe Nichols and WWE wrestler John Morrison.

And last but not least, Cowboy Troy and Cowboy Curtis (of Pee Wee's Playhouse).

My humble prayer

Stole this "prayer" from my Facebook/altcountrytab.ca buddy, Chuck Hodges and added a little imagery. It ain't right... but it's soooo funny.

In the Year 2030 #3

•Murder rates and crystal meth production in the rural south drop to lowest levels in history; Drive-by Truckers disband

•Kenny Chesney puts out a song about his old blue Craftmatic adjustable bed

•Justin Bieber reaches puberty

•After talking about it for 21 years, Kellie Pickler finally releases a traditional country album

•Ke$ha named Best New Artist at CMAs

•A new genre called funktry fuses 70's funk with 90's style country - cowboy hat and shiny pink glasses clad Bootsy Brooks is its biggest star

•Potheads flock to Willie Nelson's grave for contact high

•Rappers, having run out of clever ways to refer to a woman's posterior, release hit songs with titles like "Jostle Yo Heinie Thang" and "I Want Your Ass Cheeks Against My Crotch While We Dance."

•Keith Richards, the only surviving member of the Rolling Stones, is arrested for possession of cocaine at a London nursing home

•Chinese Democracy 2 released, wheelchair-bound Axl tours with entirely computerized backing band whom he despises

Leann and her beau at the ACM's: A Closer Look

Here's a lovely picture of Leann Rimes and Eddie Cibrian at the ACM's...

...

...

...

...and here's a little bit closer look.

.99 Review: Dierks Bentley - Up on the Ridge

Dierks Bentley - Up on the Ridge

Listen to it here.

The People's Take:
c'mon dierks (1 Star) - sounds like all his other songs but worse. c'mon dierks, your a better artist than this
-Gliko30

New Direction (5 Stars) - Great new song from Dierks. His sound sounds great and like something he has never done before! Very bluegrass. Can't wait for the new album!!!!
-timmerwoj

My Take:
So this is the first single from Dierks' long rumored bluegrass album that ended up being consolidated into this year's regular release from him... Well since "Up on the Ridge" is neither traditional bluegrass nor typical radio country fare, I can only assume they put songs from each genre into a musical version of the large hadron collider and smashed them into one another, creating a hybrid of the two (the subsequent energy release creating a chain of seismic events that led to the eruption in Iceland).

To be honest, I hated this the first time I heard it, mostly because the first version I heard was a crappy low bitrate internet rip (remember the early Napster days with the beeps and boops and static?) - which made the chorus sound pretty much like a cow mooing (which my wife thinks Dierks sounds like anyway). So anyway, I purchased the proper single today on iTunes and was pleasantly surprised.

Lyrics aside, this is a fresh sounding song that will stand out on Clearchannel radio. It's not bluegrass, but there's plenty of plucking around. It also features a moaning, understated chorus that stubbornly refuses to jab you with a sharp hook but reels you in only after repeated listens. Doubtful you'd see most of Dierks' contemporaries go without a soaring or raging chorus.

Lyrically, it's nothing you haven't heard before - a song about taking it easy in the great outdoors - though it does hint at the usage of intoxicating substances beyond just the moonshine mentioned (and it was released on 4/20... cute).

Playing like a more laid back version of Brad Paisley's "Mud on the Tires," "Up..." is a refreshingly low key tune that should be played around many a bon/campfire this spring and summer. For a couple of reasons already mentioned, I won't swear it's top 5-bound, but commercial radio needs more songs like this.

Total Value: .84/.99

The Checklist:
Church/God
Mama
Boots
Name Dropping
Dying Person
County Fair
Lost Love
•Love
Hometown/Country Pride
Kindly Advice
Truck
•Whiskey (moonshine)
Beer
•Life Affirmation
USA
Soldiers
Pop Sheen
Star Power

Some appropriate reposts for 4/20

Jason Boland's new album cover for 4/20 release

Top 10 Things Miranda Lambert was Thinking When She Won ACM Best Female Vocalist

10. Blake, get your hand off your crotch, the camera's on us

9. I should have done a little more pre-drinking

8. Damn, Reba's rack is shiny

7. Wish I could shoot something, wish I could shoot something, wish I could shoot something

6. I wonder what Buddy Jewell is doing right about now?

5. Hooo, Luke Bryan's breath smelled like mountain oysters and road apples. Mix in a Mentos or something, dude.

4. How the hell does Reba get her rack that shiny???

3. Blake, stop staring at Reba's rack!

2. Yeah yeah I know, the winner is Taylor Sw... wait... what?

1. Ha ha, kiss my ass, Martina!

Miranda Lambert wins ACM Best Album, Female Vocalist

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #34

Another email question.

Dan in Nashville asks:

"Do you think the traditionally conservative mainstream country market is ready for some songs from a more liberal point of view?"

JR: Well, Obama has ruined everything else so why the f**k not? Just don't try to set up a co-write with me if you're going to bring some damn "killing babies is a laugh riot" or "why can't we all just agree to tap each other's asses?" ideas to the table. I don't roll that way, but I support your right to be incorrect.

Not actually written by John Rich.

YouTube Gems: Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings

I've been looking for some modern soul/R&B in the vein of old favorites like Otis Redding and Sam Cooke and I finally found it (though I'm a little late to the party, as usual). From their killer new album of the same name, this is Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings with "I Learned the Hard Way."

Post #1000: Jason Aldean Parody

For Farce the Music's 1000th post, here's a parody of Jason Aldean's Crazy Town.

Lazy Town

(Parody of Jason Aldean's "Crazy Town")

Roll into town, Raise quite a fuss

That you on Idol? Yes it was

Hold a guitar, show your white teeth

Welcome to Nashville, Tennessee

And I have found

Its a lazy town creatively

Everybody doin' the same damn thing

Yeah Hollywood without any Cash

To be a star you gotta smooch some ass

Sing at the Opry that keeps Hank out

Make all the soccer moms scream and shout

Payola, just pay it

They're all just tryin' to fake it in that lazy town

Former rock stars can eat for free

Put on a hat, you can be country

Write a song with three other guys

Make connections and sign some dotted lines

You won't find old or new sounds

Cause Nashvegas has got that formula down

Its a lazy town creatively

Everybody doin' the same damn thing

Yeah Hollywood without any Cash

To be a star you gotta smooch some ass

Sing at the Opry that keeps Hank out

Make all the soccer moms scream and shout

Payola, just pay it

They're all just tryin' to fake it in that lazy town

Sing about tractors and pickup trucks

and the next year make a couple million bucks

Its a lazy town creatively

Everybody chasin' that almighty green

Shallow pool without any waves

And ol' Hank's rolling over in his grave

Bend those strings like Van Halen did

And call it country, but who do they kid?

It's B.S., I hate it

Sure they're dyin' to make it

But make no mistakin'

Most are just tryin' to fake it in that lazy town

It's a lazy town

---

Post #999: Hip Hop Limericks #3

Once was a man in a situation
Chatted up a girl from the U.S. nation
He kept tryin' to get in
But she had this other "friend"
C*ck-blocking their relations

______Deserves a Sackpunch #8

Rascal Flatts

You may think you know what's next. This is where I say that the ten years Rascal Flatts has graced us with their screeching has been the worst era of commercial country music. This is where I blame them for influencing the further drift towards pop music. This is where I punch Gary The Voice in his scrotum for assaulting my eardrums on multiple occasions.

Wrong. While all that may be true, it's not worth arguing any more. Country is dead, long live country... whatever.

Fact is, for some reason I still listen to, report on, ridicule and lament country radio. Rascal Flatts is still played hourly on country radio. To that end, while I am not a fan, I want Flatts' music to be as good as it can be if I'm gonna have to hear it. Granted, the bar has been set low, but once upon a time, I counted the country boy-band as a guilty pleasure - or at least some of their songs. Those particular songs are all over 5 years old.

Since that time, RF has coasted on their relatively crappy resume, putting out song after song that barely differed from the last, at least musically. Now, I don't expect the guys to get all adventurous and put out, heaven forbid, an actual country album... or push the boundaries of commercial country in an artistic or positive direction, so I request quite the opposite.

Dance with who brung ya. Regress. Keep it simple stupid.

"Prayin' for Daylight" and "Everyday Love" introduced us to the "band" with big hooks, soaring harmonies and memorable melodies. "I Melt" was uh, cheesy goodness. "What Hurts the Most" and "These Days" were irresistibly catchy downers. "Bless the Broken Road" and "I'm Movin' On" were simple gems. Even the lyrically insipid "Mayberry" was an earworm.

Since those high water marks, aside from a couple of tolerable singles, pretty much all you've given us are mid-tempo inspirational tracks out the wazoo. There's hardly a hair's width difference between "Stand," "Unstoppable" and "Every Day." Great, they gave you airplay and ad placement, but yawn. If I want to hear elevator music, I'll go downtown. "Here?" Even the title just sits there.

If you're wondering why you're lacking in the award nominations recently, look no further than the above song releases. If even the country music machine is sick of you, something's very wrong.

You've got a cash cow in your harmonies and commercial persona. Milk it. Pop it up guys (can't believe I said that). Get campy. Do something! Don't just sit there. Much worse, in pop culture, than being a lightning rod, is being a limp dishrag.

C'mon guys, make it a little more interesting to hate you. Right now, you're fish in a barrel.

You know what's coming. A sackpunch designed to definitely hurt the most.

Country Day: April '10

Next post:

Country Day April - 18 new parody album covers!