Nov 29, 2009

Songs Illustrated 11

.99 Review: Bucky Covington "Gotta Be Somebody"

.99 Review
Bucky Covington
"Gotta Be Somebody"

The People's Take
The people have no take because this song hasn't been released on iTunes yet. I'm imagining the average comment will go something like this:

Bucky & Nickelback - How can you go rong? (5 Stars) – This is my favorite Nickelback song (and that's saying a lot!!!) so I was sooo happy to fine out that Bucky was redoing this song! He is a nice guy who ackshally enjoys his career and values fans and their support.
- Dumdum Superfan

My Take
It's Bucky Covington covering a Nickelback song...

How can I say this sucks? Let me count the ways.

Awful, blows, wack, toolish, appalling, dreadful, terrible, horrific, ignominious, stank-ass, bummer, cringeworthy, disconcerting, routine, commonplace, grievous, pedestrian, like soggy cereal, loathsome, leaving a lot to be desired, deplorable, rubbish, abominable, excruciating, agonizing, unbearable, intolerable, unendurable, vile, foul, heinous, abhorrent, egregious, soggy, loathsome, yucky, godawful, shitty, noisome, putrid, objectionable, repellent, nauseating, revolting, unpleasant, contemptible, wretched, FAIL, shabby, worthless, useless, poor, pathetic, garbage, detritus, dross, crap, pitiful, lamentable, lame, ass, brutal, crappy, crummy, ill, lousy, painful, unsavory, shameful, degrading, sucky, douchy, douchebaggery, unsatisfactory, undesirable, disagreeable, displeasing, inadequate, unacceptable, bad, substandard, weak, mediocre, no good, lacking, delete-able, wanting, subpar, defective, over-processed, deficient, insufficient, inferior, no great shakes, shite, feces, corny, excrement, onerous, doo doo, caca, pooh, poop, manure, filth, muck, mess, night soil, unwanted, distasteful, nasty, irksome, annoying, irritating, vexatious, repugnant, repulsive, unlistenable, ineffective, below average, disastrous, bomb, flop, feeble, flimsy, mushy, indistinct, impotent, tasteless, flavorless, bland, ham-fisted, insipid, milquetoast, not up to scratch, abysmal, unfortunate, incompetent, inept, sorry, miserable, faulty, not up to snuff, woeful, bum, rotten, not up to par, atrocious, second-rate, inauspicious, unsuitable, dud, stale, tired, banal, played out, uninteresting. fecal matter, turd, boring, unstimulating, uninspiring, colorless, lifeless, mundane, mind-numbing, wearisome. the perfect storm of crud, tripe, drivel, rot, malarkey, twaddle, trash, unsubstantial.

I count 175 ways this song sucks.

And honestly, all I had to say was "It's Bucky Covington covering a Nickelback song" and you could have searched the thesaurus yourself.

Friends, the bar has been set. I don't see anybody limboing under this one.

Total value: .06/.99

The Checklist

Name Dropping
Dying Person
County Fair
Check mark symbolLost Love
Check mark symbolLove
Hometown Pride
Kindly Advice
Check mark symbolLife Affirmation
Check mark symbolPop Sheen
Star Power

Nov 25, 2009

I'm thankful for: a break

This year I'm getting 2 whole days off for Thanksgiving for the first time in years, and although Friday is on my tab, I'm still thankful to get a little rest! I hope you enjoy the holiday and have some great food and fellowship with family (or at least enjoy some football). See you in a few days!

Nov 24, 2009

Top 10 Things Bucky Covington is Thankful for This Year

I've already told you a few things I'm thankful for. Now, let's see what ol' Bucky is thankful for!

Top 10 Things Bucky Covington is Thankful for This Year

10. That there was no math on the application to be a country singer

09. Mange shampoo

08. That at least he's no Sanjaya

07. Autotune

06. That his manager lets him carry a scepter around when the "royalties" come in

05. Snus. No more spitting!

04. That the "15 minutes of fame" saying doesn't apply to C-List country singers

03. That Miller Lite comes in 18 packs - 1 for every hour of the day

(Honestly, you might not want to click on that link if you value your hearing)

01. That he didn't get caught with those crib sheets on "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?"

Nov 23, 2009

I'm thankful for: readers, part 2

Again... I'm quite thankful for reader submissions. They make things a little easier on yours truly. Here's another great set of reader submitted Photoshopped country covers, this time from a buddy from waaaaayyyy south of the border, we'll just call him F for now. Thanks man!

Top 10 Things People in AMA Audience Thought "Gloriana" Was Before The Group Won Breakthrough Artist

10. Particularly weak variety of weed

09. Next movie in the Twilight saga

08. New model of Bentley available only to rapper entourages

07. Perfume line sold exclusively at Big Lots

06. The climax of a fireworks display

05. Title of Mariah Carey's next comeback album

04. Trailer park Kid Rock lives in

03. Janet Jackson's line of nipple-cover jewelry

02. Jermaine Jackson's less flamboyantly named daughter

01. A rarely attempted sexual position involving a garden gnome and pancake syrup

Nov 22, 2009

I'm thankful for: readers

I'm thankful for (and to) my readers, the ones who've helped make November (already) the biggest month in FTM history, and especially the ones who send me stuff to post so I don't have to come up with something. :)

Thanks to Ten Pound Hammer/Bobby P. of Roughstock for this amusing pair of Photoshopped album covers.

I'm Thankful for: Free Music

Thanksgiving will be the general theme this week on FTM.

I'm always thankful for free good music! And here are a couple of (perfectly legal!) freebies from the good folks at Big Bullet Records!

Dandelion Snow - "It's Just A Bad Dream" - Indie-folk from Brooklyn-based band that has worked extensively with the members of

Album download (FREE!) -
Myspace -

Greg Loftus - "Heathens In Disguise" - Acoustic-folk from Boston, in the vein of Drag The River/Cory Branan.

YouTube Gems: Corb Lund

From his 2009 album Losin' Lately Gambler, here is Corb Lund with "Long Gone to Saskatchewan."

Nov 21, 2009

Top 10 Ways Chris Brown is Attempting to Rehab His Image

10. Keeps wearing a t-shirt that says "Not OJ"

09. Planning to bum rush Kanye West at next awards show

08. Kicking fewer puppies

07. Starting new foundation: "Jackass R&B Singers Against Choking the Sh*t Out of Women"

06. Putting the toilet seat down

05. Giving a huge cardboard check for $80 Kabillion Dollars to local women's shelter

04. Following the R.Kelly "Fix Your Soiled Rep System"

03. Watching an hour a day of Lifetime

02. Not illegally downloading Rihanna's new album

01. Only beating up women his own size

Nov 18, 2009

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #22

The key to creating a memorable title or line is to take a common phrase and twist it. For instance: "four on the floor," a cool way to describe a four-speed manual transmission can be used thusly:
"Had my GTO rollin', girl said "you wanna score?"
Stopped so damn fast, that car had whore on the floor"
Or "the man in the moon" can become "the man in the poon" for a song about making sweet love. It's that simple. Write on beeatches!

Songs Illustrated 10

Nov 16, 2009

LoCash fans' favorite beverage

She's Countrier: A Satire

This is a send-up of all the "my woman is a real country gal" songs... (She's Country in particular)

She's Countrier

She was breach born in a Silverado
Raised in shed in a backwoods hollow
Fed cold collards, cheese and pimento
Smelling pig crap every time the wind blows

Yeah, we're from the same bloodline
But the reason that she's mine

She's countrier
Than a muddy ol' fat sow
She's countrier
The girl can work a plow
You wanna see cornfed, better come see her
Your girl might be country but she's countrier

She drinks moonshine like its faucet water
Wears cutoffs to church, no she shouldn't oughtta
She yells "Yeehaw!" everytime she sneezes
Got a rebel flag tatt right next to Jesus

That's right, the girl's got class
Can get a coon treed real fast

She's countrier
Than a poison ivy rash
She's countrier
Name on every overpass
You wanna see a yokel, better come meet her
You might know some country but she's countrier

She loves America and Camel cigarettes
All three of the Hanks and cooking up meth

She's countrier
Than ol' David Alan Coe
She's countrier
Than a homemade garden hoe
You gotta hike through kudzu to come see her
You've been to the country but she's countrier

Nov 15, 2009

Taylor Swift Top Ten

I'm declaring a 2-month moratorium on any humor related to Taylor Swift's voice, after this...

Top 10 Things You Didn't Know About Taylor Swift

10. Bites her nails... her toenails

09. Does a mean Stanky Legg

08. When people talk bad about her singing, she dries her tears with thousand dollar bills

07. Doesn't know who Tony Romo is

06. Really been getting into sludge metal lately

05. Her Yahoo password? FUCU69

04. Has filed a petition to get "OMG" into the 2010 Webster's Dictionary

03. Once jaywalked

02. Owns the entire Wrestlemania collection on Blu-Ray

01. Serious Copenhagen habit

Nov 13, 2009

I should stop...

...but I can't help myself. A scene from the CMA's.

Nov 12, 2009


Top 10 Interruptions on Kanye West's Upcoming Itinerary

10. Scripted self-mocking interruption on Saturday Night Live appearance (before returning to usual M.O. of actual interrupting)

09. Bringing Senate vote on health care bill to a halt with his interpretive reading of "Green Eggs and Ham"

08. Ending his next album half way through track 7 (featuring Lupe Fiasco), despite listing 13 songs

07. Coitus interruptus w/very unhappy girlfriend to go play Wii

06. Yelling out spoilers at early screenings of New Moon

05. Interrupting Billy Joe Shaver at next Americana Music Awards, narrowly dodging a bullet in the process

04. Telling his psychiatrist "I'mma let you finish, but Freud was the best of all time... of all time!"

03. Interrupting the choral invitation at his church Sunday with a short rendition of "Drunk and Hot Girls"

02. Shushing Walmart greeter mid-hello

01. Interrupting Creed's comeback, winning back the respect of music fans everywhere


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