Grandaddy’s Advice (a satire lyric)

Here's a silly little satire of all those "dad's/granny's/grandaddy's" advice country songs.

Grandaddy’s Advice

v.1

I remember when I was five

Playin’ in my grandparent’s drive

I fell off my scooter and skinned my knee

Grandaddy helped me clean my cuts

He whisked the gravel off my butt

Then he smiled and gave this advice to me

c.1

Old Milwaukee makes me sick

Run go check yourself for ticks

Y’know that youngest Golden Girl sure looked nice

Then with a tear in his eye

he said I love me some squirrel pie

That’s why I never took Grandaddy’s advice

v.2

I remember in seventh grade

Ridin’ in grandaddy’s Chevrolet

He pulled over and said it was my turn

As I slipped into the driver’s seat

and felt the pedals under my feet

Grandaddy smiled and said “It’s time you learned...”

c.2

Look both ways before you leap

Damn my drawers are startin’ to creep

How do they make them Crispies out of rice?

Then with a somber voice

He said urine cures hemorrhoids

Thank goodness I never took Grandaddy’s advice

v.3

Ten years later I heard the news

Grandaddy’d flown his earthly coop

Died in his sleep with a big grin on his face

At his service I said a piece

Told some advice he’d given me

And I could almost hear his voice say...

c.3

Don’t pee on an electric fence

Look I just found thirty cents

Pour me some V-8 and vodka over ice

The Lord knows I loved that man

but I’m sure you all understand

That’s why I never took Grandaddy’s advice

(tag: in a sad voice with minimal music backing)

Old Milwaukee makes me sick

Run go check yourself for ticks

Y’know that youngest Golden Girl sure looked nice

Then with a tear in his eye

he said I love me some squirrel pie

Now I sure do miss Grandaddy’s advice

©2003 Corey Parkman

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #45

When I'm not busy writing modern country classics like "Country Done Come to Town" and "Country Trucker Preacher Man," I'm either drinking myself into a higher state of consciousness or filling up the tank another way. What way, you ask? You see son, artists are like rivers running through the woods. As long as good clean water is flowing in, the river flows smoothly and is perfect for taking a couple of lady friends to play "sink the bobber," errr, I mean go fishing. However, if things get constipated upstream, the river becomes stagnant and smells like ass and taco vomit. In other words, keep your mind active... read books (I like to go with Juggs or Glenn Beck's latest tome), watch movies (Transformers and Sex Toy Story 3 were my latest) and listen to music (CBT, CDB). Good input = staying regular and putting out some gooood shit! That's how the master does it. I'm out.

*Not actually written by John Rich.

Awkward Gary Levox Photo of the Week

Photo credit Shelly Fabian

10 Pop Parody Album Covers

RGR: Two Cow Garage - Sweet Saint Me

Two Cow Garage's new album Sweet Saint Me hits digital outlets and cooler music stores October 26th (I'll remind you!!) and, to use a sports cliche, it's a beast. 2CG is a loud, sweaty, snarling alt-country outfit who blend punk, country, pop and bar rock in with some of the catchiest melodies and smartest lyrics you'll ever hear out a band of this ilk. With Sweet Saint Me, the boys play us (thankfully) more of the same, though brought into greater clarity with more songwriting prowess than they've exhibited on records past. The hooks are sharper, the themes more focused and there just seems to be a greater heft to the work this time around.

There's not an insignificant track to be found, so I'll just point out my early favorites (which will likely change because Sweet Saint Me is a big-time grower). The first single, however, is far from a grower. Lydia (official video here) grabs you immediately with its its insanely memorable chorus and its knife edge lyrics about an intergenerational romance:

"Lydia, you're much too young

to have your teeth on the tip of my tongue

If just your lips were a little bit older"

The very next song, Jackson, Don't You Worry, is a loving note to a bandmate's son about the difficulties of being a dad whose occupation keeps him on the road 200+ days a year. It's reassuring but heartbreaking and completely real. I dare you not to be moved.

My Great Gatsby is a treatise on the state of our culture and music in particular. Touching on great works of song and literature, it's an unflinching look at the demise of art in a day of greed.

"DJs are making records, could you please just be ashamed

of your raping and your pillaging of this thing we love?"

I'm not sure if (main lead singer) Micah here boldly proclaims this album "my Great Gatsby" but I won't say he'd necessarily be wrong.

Sweet Saint Me is a special album, long on emotion and absent of pretense; it sounds like they buzzed on inspiration and burned from labor to show us who they are. If Two Cow Garage doesn't break as big as an indie-rock/alt-country band can possibly break with this kickass album, it won't be for lack of giving us all they've got.

RIYL: Bruce Springsteen, The Replacements, Lucero, Drive-by Truckers, The Gaslight Anthem, The Hold Steady, Uncle Tupelo, Drag the River, Javi Garcia.

Free download of opening song "Sally I've Been Shot" here.

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews

Hello there, readers of this vulgar and infernal blog. I have been invited by Trailer to give my perspective on some secular country music songs. I prayed long and hard about putting my name alongside posts that mention "douchebagging" and use the s-word and the b-word. For shame! These are affronts to the very spirit of holiness. Still, I feel as though I might provide a healthy look at this vile form of music and lead some of you to the light. While my church does not use musical instruments, in my free time I do listen to music with instruments, such as gospel, southern gospel, country gospel and gospel bluegrass. Let's us see how these two songs stack up!

Hank Williams Jr. - Family Tradition

I hate to even dignify this vile trash with a summary. Obviously the nut does not fall far from the rotten hickory tree. In this case, the vulgar drunkard was begat by a vulgar philandering drunkard. "Bocephus" as he is known by his "rowdy friends," tells us of his unseemly lifestyle of a'drinkin', a'druggin', a'screwin' everything that walks. His justification? These "virtues" were passed down to him from his dope fiend father. I believe this to be an excuse. I also reckon that the lack of a male parent, after Hank Sr.'s shameful death, left a void in his life that Bocephus believed could only be filled by narcotics, non-marital vagina and the Devil's liquor. I have not heard of this much lechery since my third son, Larry Jay's bachelor party, for which is still disallowed from Turnage family reunions. Hank Jr. needs the Lord Jesus Christ in his soul, not some hoochie coo on his lap and a mary wanna in his hand. I implore you to avoid this evil, evil "song" and instead seek out the new cassette tape from the Gospel Fire of Purity Echos entitled "This Day I Shall Turn From Sin." Praise the Lord!

F

Lady Antebellum - Hello World

This hit threesome's new song would seem to most to be a quiet reflection on faith and man's difficulty keeping his bearings in an unforgiving world. Most would be dead wrong. This, my friends, is a demon in sheep's clothing, a viper in the rose bush. The lines "talk to God like He is there" reveal the writer's true hellish intentions. Nevermind that Charles Kelley says "I know He's there" a line later, the previous confession is enough for me to know that this song is part of the liberal left's agenda to rid America of any and all belief in the one true savior Jesus Christ so that Allah might sit at the head of the table. The Obama administration's fingerprints are all over this song! They can't just come out and say "There is no God but Allah" because there would be chaos in the streets of Jackson, TN... no, they have to be subtle about their hate of the God of Israel, chipping away at our resolve until we are bowing to Mecca and covering up Aunt Linda with a veil (though the latter might be a good thing). The fact that the singer knows he should stop at the church with "white crosses...in the yard" but doesn't is symbolic of this once great nation's descent into worldliness and sin. We know we should return to the teachings of our fathers, but we choose discord, we choose Muslimness. I pray for Lady Antebellum and hope that they will repent and use their talents for Jesus!

F

Country Doppelgängers 8

It has often been said that James Otto looks like a Geico Caveman. Here's proof. (Note: Rita had this one last week, but I already this doppler created so... great minds think alike)

Pat Green and Troy Aikman. That's pretty eerie. Thanks Nashville Gab!

Steve Azar, singer of "I Don't Have to Be Me (Til Monday)" and the current hit "Sunshine," looks a helluva lot like Thaao Phenghlis, who is probably best remembered as Tony DiMera from Days of Our Lives.

Josh Turner and James Marsden.

Emily West, (or is that Sarah Buxton???) in this particular instance, looks a lot like Twisted Sister lead singer & Gone Country contestant, Dee Snider.

Sorry Aaron, but yeah... it's the Village People construction worker for you.

Relative Size Chart #22

Click for a closer view.

YouTube Gems: The Jayhawks

It's fall, according to the calendar, and it may even actually feel like it where you are (not here, we hit 95 today). Alt-country greats The Jayhawks always remind me of this time of year for some reason. Anyway, here's the divinely harmonic "Blue." (How "90's" is this video??)

Songs Illustrated #32

Free Raul Malo track!

Here's a cool new song from the honey-voiced Raul Malo (required cliche descriptor: former lead singer of The Mavericks) free and legal for download!

Fun With Charts & Graphs: Sawyer Brown

Country Day September '10

Next post is...

...Country Day September featuring parody covers of the Casey Donahew Band, Zac Brown Band, Kenny Chesney, Sara Evans, Steel Magnolia and many more!

Country Face Swap: George and Tammy

Top 10 Changes the Success of Jamey Johnson's "The Guitar Song" Will Bring Upon Nashville

10. Jason Aldean will attempt to grow a beard, unsuccessfully

09. Demo of "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" sung by JJ will be leaked in hopes of damaging his cred

08. Curb Records to sign homeless man named James E. Johnson

07. Country as a whole embraces honesty, eschews pop influences, stops valuing image over substance, returns to roots. (Also, bacon rains from sky and Los Angeles Lakers win Super Bowl)

06. Taylor Swift asked by management to consider a temporary drug habit

05. Title-track duet partner Bill Anderson refuses Brad Paisley's next round of silly between-song skits because he's now a "serious" artist

04. Rascal Flatts' next release will be a double album. Side 1: The "CR" Album; Side 2: The "AP" Album

03. Fame-weary Jamey will disappear into the Appalachians, smoking a pipe, never to be heard from again except in mountain lore

02. Martina McBride will attempt to grow a beard, successfully

01. Eh, pretty much business as usual, cute blondes, fake cowboys, committee written songs, mindless filler between ads

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YouTube Gems: Jamey Johnson

From The Guitar Song, here's Jamey Johnson with my current favorite from that 25-song collection of awesomeness, "Can't Cash My Checks."

3 Classic Covers Parodied

Little Known Facts IV

Emily West wants you to stop stalking her on Twitter.

Taylor Swift's main concern in her career is seeking the adulation and respect of bloggers.

Billy Joe Shaver can play ping-pong with one arm tied behind his back and the other holding a beer.

90s counry star Michael Peterson wonders if you'd like to try BK's new Steakhouse Burger today.

The name Lady Antebellum, loosely translated in latin, means "pretentiously random."

Tim McGraw was born in Delhi.

At least 29 different Georgia, Alabama and Tennessee residents listed "Zac Brown Band" as their employer on last year's tax returns.

Chuck Wicks once looked out over a long autograph line and remarked to his bassist "Do you think we'll get to meet Josh Turner by 3?"

Garth Brooks is frequently brought to tears when critics say he is the cause of country music straying from its roots. He is also brought to tears by carpet burns, Hallmark commercials and very special episodes of The Cosby Show.

Big Kenny is nice.

Faith Hill is a very hands-on mother, says Felicia Ortega, one of the McGraws' Monday nannies.