New Ray Wylie Hubbard...

It's great. I've only listened to it three times, but I can safely say Ray Wylie's new album will likely end '10 in the upper regions of my favorites. Slate calls it the new decade's first essential album. If you've never heard RWH, imagine a cross between Hayes Carll and a toned down ZZ Top (without any of the schlockiness). A proper review here. The only thing about this fine release that made me scratch my head was the album's cover and title (see below). Check out some tracks here. Buy it here.

Parody of Jason Aldean's "The Truth"

Another sophomoric, scatological parody from the demented mind of Trailer...

The Poop

(Parody of Jason Aldean's "The Truth")

Tell em all I went to Walmart

Cause we were runnin' out of beer

That no one should try to call cause I left my cell,

When they ask why I'm not here,

Tell em I'm out on a walk to clear my head of this smoke,

And that I'm probably doing well,

(Chorus)

Just don't tell em dysentary

That I'm here sweatin' like a fool

Tell em any tale you need to,

Just don't tell em bout the poop

Yeah don't tell em bout the poop

Say I got tired of this party,

Went down to the pool hall to shoot a game

Tell em from the huffin' and puffin' you heard down the hall,

That I must be getting laid

Tell em I went to the bar to hear some old rock and roll band,

Not that I'm crying on the can,

(Chorus)

Yeah, don't tell em dysentary

Diarrhea or loose stools

Tell em any tale you need to,

Just don't tell em bout the poop

Yeah don't tell em bout the poop

The truth is that I feel like I could die,

And I slipped back here on the sly,

Man, don't sell me out, I'll even pay,

Please save me from the shame,

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

Tell em anything you want to,

Just don't tell em bout the poop

Yeah don't tell em bout the poop

I'm beggin' you,

I stopped up the loo

Yeah man it's true

With an epic poop

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #26

Immerse yourself in the life that your subject matter lives. How can you know what the common man is thinking or feeling if you sit there on your snooty uptown high horse all the time? That's why I bought myself a bar. Well, that's the #2 reason anyway. So I can park my sexy butt in my VIP booth with my favorite bird (Grey Goose) and observe the real American in their natural habitat. If a motherf***er gets too close they could get dropped, but as long as they maintain a safe distance, they might get a song written about them. That's keeping it real peepz.

*Not actually written by John Rich.

.99 Review: Jessie James "My Cowboy"

This song is kinda old... but, well...

Jessie James

"My Cowboy"

The Peoples' Take:

Not very good! (1 Star) – In the video for this song she looks like a porn star trying to be a country singer. The song is not very good and does not sound original at all!

- bradly8

Why? (1 Star) – This song not considered country music just cause it has the word cowboy in it. Terrible is the only word i canthink of when this song comes one

- eaglebacker

Jessie is awesome (5 stars) - Love this songgg!!! I can't believe all the people hating on it tho..

- GhostHunter033

I don't care bout the song but I wana tap that so bad!! (5 stars) - Yummy

- Alwe

My Take:

This is like entering a greyhound in a horse race. This is calling a spade a diamond. This is painting the White House purple and still calling it the White House. This is Saw 5 being nominated for best animated feature at the Oscars.

Surely you get the point by now. I have made the broad statement about one song or another in the past that "this is the least country song ever released to country radio." I would repeat that hyperbole about Jessie James' "My Cowboy" but it would be an inaccurate statement.

"My Cowboy" is not a country song. Jessie James is not a country singer. Sure, she tried her hand in Nashville like seemingly every young and beautiful person these days but somewhere along the way, her record company or management realized that her voice and image were too slick even for the sparkling mess that is contemporary country. Her self-titled album was released this year in the pop genre.

In November, the song was sent to country radio and re-released on iTunes as a country single.

Ten years ago, this would have been played alongside Christina Aguilera's "Genie in a Bottle" and no one would have batted an eye. It even sounds like an Aguilera tune, come to think of it. The diva-ish shrieking and looped beats pull this along like some dance club kicker, with almost the only thing country about it being it's title.

Honestly, it's not even a very good pop song.

I would love to go off on a rant about the gall of whomever called this country simply because it has the word "cowboy" in the title, but I'll stick to the review.

It sucks.

Total Value: .10/.99

The Checklist:

Church/God

Mama

Boots

Name Dropping

Dying Person

County Fair

Lost Love

Love

Hometown Pride

Kindly Advice

Truck

Whiskey

Beer

Life Affirmation

USA

Soldiers

Pop Sheen

Star Power

Top 10 Things Seen at Last Colt Ford Concert

10. Someone sporting camo pants, Crocs and an Affliction t-shirt

09. Bad honky tonk dancing

08. A Skoal booth

07. Beachball (until it got stabbed)

06. Confused people who bought tickets to a "country" show

05. Babes who measured 38/28/38/5(teeth)

04. One of the final signs of the apocalypse

03. The world's second best hick hop artist

02. No groupies

01. Cousins...

...making out

Before FTM and Photocrap...

I'd forgotten that I attempted a "serious" country music blog back in '07, several months before finding my calling as a satirist and hater. Anyway, I just found that old blog... I had no idea it still existed. In the grand scheme of things, it's not bad and I still like the name, but there are enough straight commentary and review blogs in the world that do it so much better, so I'm glad I got bored with it. If you're bored, here's a link: http://onryandmean.blogspot.com/

YouTube Gems: Levon Helm

Here's Levon Helm performing one of my favorite tunes from The Band.

Hip-Hop Limericks 2

There once was a man had a good day

Smoked dope and shot hoops just like MJ

He felt on some fanny

And killed the poonanny

Didn't even have to use his AK

Relative Size Chart: Willie Edition

Click for a closer view.

Songs Illustrated 12

Billy Currington Parody

Please note that this is a satire as well as a parody.

For Rick...

That's How Obamavoters Roll #tcot

(Parody of Billy Currington's "That's How Country Boys Roll")

They wake up in the morning and they drink their soy latte

Flip on CNN faster than a Mazeratti

On the way to work they might stop by Trader Joe's

That’s how Obamavoters roll

Yeah, they beg, beg, beg, all week till the grant gets done

Weekends they burn down churches while munching scones

They run on a bleeding heart and worship Al Gore

That’s how Obamavoters roll

Chorous

Yeah, they’re cursing God's will

Spreadin' vile filth

From their downtown loft abodes

Singin' Streisand

Might wed a man just because you think it's gross

From Baldwyn to Glover to Ellen and her lover

Total deviance is their goal

That’s how Obamavoters roll

Verse 2

Well they've got to spread the wealth aroud

They'll levy a tax

And if you're broke and you ask

They'll give you the shirt off my back

All they need is a bill to pass

A few dollars to blow

That's how Obamavoters roll

Chorous

They like to kill babies

Ban cuttin' trees

And turn us into Mexico

Singin' Streisand

Might wed a man just because you think it's gross

Politically correct, hating Limbaugh and Beck

Socialism is their goal

That’s how Obamavoters roll

Pelosi!

Yeah they’re whinin' out loud

Leftist and proud

They love Karl Marx but not "Going Rogue"

That's how Obamavoters roll

Don’t you know

Hip-Hop Limericks 1

All respect due to Country Haiku, but this is a tooootally different idea. ;) Ladies and gents, I give you... hip hop limericks.

There once was a white boy just rollin'

In his 5.0, head was swollen

Girls, plat'num and gold

Frozen water's so cold

Made ten mill. off a riff that was stolen

A Closer Look: Stagecoach

Hmmm... a closer look reveals the respect our legends get.

Here's the poster:

And here's a closer look:

*This is a satirical take on the Stagecoach poster and not a representation of the actual poster.

_____Deserves a Sackpunch #7

Anyone who plans to maintain musical status quo in 2010

Are you a formerly popular pop singer, rock band, or lead singer of a formerly popular rock band who has suddenly discovered that you were country all along?

Are you a hip-hop artist who plans to rap about your gratuitous amount of shiny trinkets, the gaudy, wide rims on your method of transportation, your preference for promiscuous women with large, round, mostly exposed derrieres and shooting those who disrupt your work towards acquiring all the aforementioned?

Are you a country singer with a dual lead guitar attack in your band, a vocal twang only in proper company, more than one stylist and a Twitter account maintained by your PR people?

Are you a rock band whose 2010 goals are to open for Nickelback, gain 1/10 of the followers of Nickelback, wear MMA-related apparel, get tattoos on your tattoos and screw lots of skanks, all the while sounding generally like Nickelback?

Are you a pop singer who expects to have her hoo-hah splashed across tabloid websites and skeevy perv sites at least once in 2010, lip sync to factory-written electro-dance songs, and have a minimum of one trip to rehab?

Are you a country songwriter with dollar sign eyes, a "Country Song Mad Libs" writing formula, no foundation in whiskey and tear-soaked real country, and Chuck Wicks on speed dial?

Are you a radio programmer who won't expose his listeners to any song outside the top 30 unless it's a new or previous release by a superstar?

Are you a record exec who prefers sizzle to steak, safe to honest, transient to timeless, album covers to albums?

Are you a blogger/blog reader who will do a great deal of complaining about the sad state of your favorite genre/music in general without offering some alternatives and suggestions towards its betterment in '10?

Are you a "music fan" who claims to be open-minded but has no interest in hearing what's beyond the mainstream this year?

My resolution? 365 days of Mike Tyson's sackpunch-out for every one of you.

FWC&G: AJ

YouTube Gems: Charlie Robison

Sound's not so great... but Happy New Year!

Redneck Resolutions

Redneck Resolutions

Done made it through another twelve

Still sane and in one piece

Only spent a month in jail

Been good since I's released

But this year as the fireworks fly

i feel a little strange

And it ain't just this Miller Lite

Naw, it's time i made some change

Chorus

Next year I won't drink Jim Beam ...on the way to church

And I guess I'll quit dippin' ...this tumor reallly hurts

Won't git rough with my woman ...unless she hits me first

Come on new year, big boy, do your worst

Almost got the trailer paid off

And the boy's bout done with school

Plan for his future like I ought

I'll buy him a set of tools

Gonna be nicer to my ex wife

I'll tone it down to "witch"

And if I go road hunting at night

I'll at least park in the ditch

Chorus

And next year I won't drink Old Crow ...till i get off of work

I reckon I'll quit smokin' ...my lungs feel like they'll burst

Won't cuss loud at the Walmart ...and I'll stop stealin' Certs

Come on new year, big boy, do your worst

Bridge

Raise up your tall boys, here's to the future

These are my redneck resolutions

Next year I won't drink so much ...on the way to church

And I guess I'll quit dippin' ...this tumor reallly hurts

Won't git rough with my woman ...unless she hits me first

Come on new year, big boy, do your worst

Come on twenty-ten, do your worst

©2009 Corey Parkman

Farce the Music's Top Albums of 2009

1. Charlie Robison - Beautiful Day

Charlie's "divorce album" is a lean, mean, nearly perfect dish of Texas country. Sharply crafted and passionately performed, this is Robison's most consistent, and likely best, album to date. So solid is this record, Charlie bests his well-regarded brother's recent output, even in the songwriting arena. A broken heart has rarely sounded so good.

Hear this: Down Again

2. Ben Nichols - Last Pale Light in the West

A collection of gritty narratives based on Cormac McCarthy's blood-soaked epic, "Blood Meridian," Ben's solo record is as powerful as anything I've heard this year (and much of last), despite the narrow focus. Nichols tops his band Lucero's major label debut with this strong entry that holds up after myriad replays.

Hear this: Toadvine

3. Buddy and Julie Miller - Written in Chalk

Quiet at times, raucous at others, Buddy and Julie are in fine form on this album and the songs feel timeless. Though it's a lazy comparison, "Written in Chalk" is this year's "Rattlin' Bones."

Hear this: Chalk

4. Magnolia Electric Company - Josephine

Haunting. I don't know of any other way to describe lead singer Jason Molina's voice (okay, besides "acquired taste"). Gorgeous - that's how I'd describe Josephine.

Hear this: O Grace

5. Lucero - 1372 Overton Park

My favorite band hits the "big time" with their first release for Universal. Did they sell out? Nah. Change their sound? Well, they gussied it up a smidge with a few (ok, crapload of) horns. The honking doesn't detract from the sound for me, but the raw emotion that pulled me into this band in the first place seems to have ebbed just a bit. Still a very worthy release and possibly the best entry point for listeners new to the band.

Hear this: Hey Darlin' Do You Gamble

6. BettySoo - Heat Sin Water Skin

My favorite new discovery of the year. The emotion will grab you, the lines will cut you and the melodies will never leave your mind.

Hear this: Just Another Lover

7. Wrinkle Neck Mules - Let the Lead Fly

Hear this: Pull Me From the Wreckage

8. Great Lake Swimmers - Lost Channels

Great Lake Swimmers expand on their sound with Lost Channels, without losing any of the beauty.

Hear this: Pulling on a Line, Still

9. Black Joe Lewis & The Honeybears - Tell 'em What Your Name Is

My second favorite new discovery of the year, these guys are good-time seventies fun mixed with raunchy R&B mixed with some indie garage rock rawness. I dare you not to dance... or at least tap your foot like crazy.

Hear this: Sugarfoot

10. Drew Kennedy - An Audio Guide to Cross Country Travel

FTM doesn't play favorites - I like what I like. That said, I'm proud to welcome friend of FTM Drew Kennedy to the top 10 with a truly deserving release. His literate, unorthodox (for country) writing style and soulful vocals stand far above the crowd in the Texas music scene. He inhabits these road-themed character sketches with natural ease.

Hear this: Cincinnati, Rolling Around in the Bed

The Rest:

11. The Black Crowes - Before the Frost...Until the Freeze

12. Justin Townes Earle - Midnight at the Movies

13. Son Volt - American Central Dust

14. The Devil Makes Three - Do Wrong Right

15. Slaid Cleaves - Everything You Love Will Be Taken Away

16. Joshua James - Build Me This

17. Switchfoot - Hello Huricane

18. Miranda Lambert - Revolution

19. Krizz Kaliko - Genius

20. Mastodon - Crack the Skye

21. The Avett Bros. - I And Love And You

22. Brad Paisley - American Saturday Night

23. Chris Knight - Trailer Tapes II

24. Joe Nichols - Old Things New

25. George Strait - Twang

26. Drive-by Truckers - The Fine Print

27. The Dustin Bentall Outfit - Six Shooter

28. Them Crooked Vultures - s/t

29. Pearl Jam - Backspacer

30. Tom Russell - Blood and Candle Smoke

31. Sons of Bill - One Town Away

32. Deer Tick - Born on Flag Day

33. Those Darlins - s/t

34. Grant Langston - Stand Up Man

35. Guy Clark - Somedays the Song Writes You

36. Pete Bernhard - Straight Line

37. Steve Earle - Townes

38. Jay-Z - The Blueprint 3

39. Scott Warren - Quick Fix Bandage

40. Holly Williams - Here With Me

41. The Fox Hunt - America's Working So We Don't Have To

42. Jason Isbell and The 400 Unit - s/t

43. Eric Church - Carolina

44. Drive-by Truckers - Live From Austin, TX

45. Carolyn Mark and NQ Arbuckle - Let's Just Stay Here

46. Willie Nelson & Asleep At The Wheel - Willie and the Wheel

47. Old Californio - Westering Again

48. Wilco - Wilco (The Album)

49. The Deep Dark Woods - Winter Hours

50. Phosphorescent - To Willie

51. John Moreland & The Black Gold Band - Endless Oklahoma Sky

52. Robert Earl Keen - The Rose Hotel

53. Dave Matthews Band - Big Whiskey & The Groogrux King

54. Roman Candle - Oh Tall Tree in the Ear

55. Red Fang - s/t

56. Jason Eady - When the Money's All Gone

57. Todd Snider - The Excitement Plan

58. Austin Lucas - Somebody Loves You

59. Megadeth - Endgame

60. The Pines - Tremolo

Author's note: all the albums on this list are very much worth a listen - there were others I enjoyed this year, but I had to cut it off somewhere.

Top 10 Rejected Alternate Names for Fast Ryde

10. Dadangdang

09. Biggr n' Richr

08. The Borchetta Boyz

07. NWA (nobz with attitude)

06. F-One Fiddy

05. Gritzncollardz

04. RydenDurdy

03. Whyte-Tang Clan

02. Ryde-a-Cowboyz

01. Pro-Toolz

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #25

Resolve that in the new year, you will write every day. You wake up every day, you floss them pearlies every day, you hit a shot of the Jager every morning, your wife fixes you a big plate of breakfast every day, you go off to your uhhhm, "work" every day, right? So schedule in some writing time every damn day. You can't get as good as me if - scratch that, you can't get as good as me - but you can't get as good as Jeffrey Steele if you only write when you feel like it. Man, if I only broke off a piece when I felt like it, I wouldn't be the redneck ramrod Romeo you ladies know and love. Happy New Year, toolbags!

Not actually written by John Rich.