John Rich and Charlie Daniels memes

Why yes, I am lazy today...

John Rich Political Ad

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #63

If you're writing a serious song to make people think, think your ass again. Country radio does not have "thinkers" as a target audience. If you're writing a serious song that pretends to make people think, I've got some advice for you. Throw in some depressing crap about the world and the recession or whatever and bazinga! I mean, I'm not personally affected by this terrible economy that is entirely the fault of Barack Hussein Obama, but I know that most of you little people are. Well, I did have to raise the price on drinks at my bar for ugly chicks but I ate the cost on the hotties. Anyway, back to the song. Relate to your audience and then present them with a solution. JESUS! You don't have to explain any further, just say Jesus is the answer! Sad song turned all around with the glory of the Lord. If it's a sad love song, make sure you say it was the dude's fault that things went wrong, even though we know that's never true. Women are evil, but they hold the purse-strings for most pansy-ass fellas so you gotta make 'em think they're always right. I keep mine in line by laying down pipe in the sack like a champ. The hillbilly Jedi givin' her the force if you know what I'm saying. Stop thinking about me naked and go write a damn song!
*Not actually written by John Rich

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #62

Sometimes if you need a little inspiration to write a rockin' new country song and you're just too drunk to put any thoughts in order, look outside of yourself. Watch a movie. I find a good porno takes the edge off to get me in the mood for making a masterpiece. You can also find lines and ideas on the mental level of the typical country listener in the script of a skin flick. Listen to music. I put on some Nickelback or Creed or Godsmack or Skid Row and do a little headbanging. That knocks a little dust off the old melon and gets my creative juices flowing. Also, these artists have songs that you can just insert the word "truck" into and turn down the guitars a tad and have yourself a top 10 in no time! Read books. Ha ha ha. That one was a joke. Only goobersmooches read books. Maybe flip through a Hustler while you're pinching a loaf and you might find some ideas for a romantic Luke Bryan hit. Now, what the f**k are you waiting on? I just let you peek behind the curtain and see how I stack them Benjies. Get to work, buttwads. 

*Not actually written by John Rich.

Republican Parody Album Covers

In honor of the 2012 Republican National Convention, here are

a few parody album covers of Republican artists.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #61

Don't worry about writing a country song. Just write a damn song! If it has at least one memorable melody in it, a catchy title and 5-7 relatable images - you're freaking gold, baby! "Country music" means the music of America, not the music of rural America. That whole authenticity requirement was outmoded years ago along with flip phones, VCR's and morality. So, listen to rap, pop, folk (just kidding! folk is for liberals!), jazz (just kidding! people only pretend to like jazz), rock and metal for your inspiration. Don't bother with listening to country music before 1993. That stuff is lame. I mean, sure, put the names of a few singers from pre-93 in there, but you don't have to actually like their music. Remember what I said about authenticity? LOLZ, authenticity is for collectible plates, baseball cards and autographed porn star panties. I only worry about being an authentic Honky Pimp Shaft. Flip the radio over to the Urban Jamz station. Hear that? That's what half of Nashville will be doing in 9 months, so hop on tha train before yo ass get left at da station! Now, flip over to the active rock station. That's what the other half of Nashville will be doing in 9 months. So crank up the amps, hate your parents and grow a goatee or be so two-thousand late. Your homey John Rich is always at the forefront of innovation, homogenization, sweet money makin', inebriation and sexual relations so get with the mack. Who you gonna listen to? Barbara Cloyd or me? That's what I thought. Peace out.

*Not actually written by John Rich.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #60

When you're writing a hit country song, you should appeal to all the senses. That would seem like common sense, but most songwriters don't have the common sense to know I need a bottle of ketchup when they bring my Denny's order. You should be able to use all 5 senses, at least in your imagination, when you hear a song played 15 times a day.


Don't just tell me the beer is good. Let me taste that Coors piss-water rolling cold and smooth like a Rocky Mountain river down my hard-work-parched throat. Don't just say it's a big truck. Make me feel tiny and insignificant in the presence of the full body rebel flag wrap, 37" mud grappler tires and 6" lift. Have me hear the crickets chirping in the night woods while your speakers are blaring Waylon, Willie, Johnny, Hank and Skynyrd. I wanna check that girl in cutoffs for ticks with my bare damn hands! Let me smell exhaust, sweat and teenage desperation! 


Hell, even go for a sixth sense …just being able to predict you're gonna get some from that little country cutie in a few short minutes! Yeah buddy, I'm all jacked up now and I didn't even write the song… I just told your lazy ass how to! 


Now get to it before I do! That's a platinum selling single in the making right there, you jackoffs.




*Not actually written by John Rich

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #59

High concept writing is unwelcome around here, nerds. You say satire, I say pass me a Fat Tire. You say parody, I say Cledus T. Joke. Metaphors are as deep as I go and even those are pretty above-ground. Like "her booty is like a pair of watermelons" or "I'm drunk as a liberal come next election night." Don't bring me words like alliteration. Hell, if I didn't have autocorrect, I couldn't even spell it right. Onomotopeia? That just sounds homoerotic… and the Muppets already sang a song about that anyway. Keep it simple for the stupids. The average radio country fan thinks "assonance" is what happens when you sit on an ant bed naked. Simile? A typical soccer mom thinks that means "putting a bike together." Figures of speech? That's what you goobers can use on the Twitter to impress your fellow basement dwellers. If you want to use all the skills you learned in creative writing at the community college, start a blog. If you wanna make that dolla dolla bill y'all, do what I do. So in summary, just tell a damn story or list some crap about living in a small town or loving America. Slap a clever hook on it and a couple of lines that sound like they took longer than a minute to come up with… and you've got a hit. This ain't rocket surgery, bitches.

*Not actually written by John Rich.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #58

When you're looking for inspiration to write a great country song, it's not hard to find. I look to a specific era of music bygone to enliven my creative spirit. It was a simpler time that all of us Nashville writers are trying to relive every day - 1988. It was a place where dreams were bought and sold, lived and lost - the Sunset Strip. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about dammit! Aquanet, spandex and groupies (that's my favorite part)…those were the glory days of music! Just turn on your radio, if you don't believe me. All us 33-45 year olds are remembering our lush mullets and ripped jeans as we write these country rockers and power ballads. If my creative tank is dry, just pull up the Crue on the iTunes and do what they did. Hell, it got them ugly f*ckers leg, it's gotta work for me, your Music Row Mackdaddy!  I've even got a template set up, like Mad Libs. Just take, say "Girls, Girls, Girls," dial down the riffs a little, drop in your lyrics about making love in the bed of a Dodge, weave a minute amount of fiddle through the proceeding and VOILA bitches! You've got you a top 10 country hit that will make me a million, but nobody will remember by next month. That's how we do. So build up that collection of Faster Pussycat, Skid Row, GnR, Kix and Britny Fox and you can be a hit Nashville songwriter too!






*Not actually written by John Rich.

Country TwitterFAIL March '12

Lots of foul language on this edition...

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #57

Today, like an NBA team tells Kim Kardashian, I've got a few tips for you.

1. Always have a notebook with your or make sure your smart phone has a note app. That way you can always write lists and lists of country things throughout your day. It's also handy for picking up them digits from the lovely ladies.

2. Let people critique your work. I don't have to do that, you understand, but you do. Put your songs or lyrics on message boards or whatever you little people do. If somebody doesn't like your work, curse them out and question their songwriting resume. Do they have FOUR F*CKIN' NUMBER ONE SONGS to their credit? I thought not!

3. Organize your ideas. Make sure not to get your drinking song lyrics mixed up with your mixed drink recipes and whatnot. Keep your booty-shaking song lyrics out of your sexual tryst diary. Be like a good bra, and keep 'em separated!

4. Don't feel bad throwing out your bad ideas. I'm not familiar with the concept of coming up with a bad idea for a song, but you probably are. Personally, I'm more of a mind to throw every thought that pops into my head against the wall and see what sticks like a booger. But my boogers are gold... gold baby!



*Not actually written by John Rich

Waylon Jennings: The Music Inside Volume III - tracklisting revealed

(Click for a closer view)

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #56

A little rhyming advice for you peeps this morning. In country music, rhyme is relative. Never worry with coming up with an actual strong line to follow another good line, just make sure they rhyme no matter how you have to mangle the English language. Hell, make up your own accent and pronounce the word like a drunk redneck with a lisp who's been hanging around his friends from Boston too much. Whatever works, boss. For example, if your important line is "she was drinking a beer with those cut-offs on," you can make sure it rhymes with this line: "her tan legs reflectin' on my jacked up Ford," if you sing "on" like "awwwn" and then pronounce "Ford" like an old plantation owner… like so: "fawwd." See, it's just that easy. Nobody will even notice. Nobody gives a damn, quite frankly. Near-rhyme, schmear-rhyme… you can rhyme anything if you're plastered enough when you write the song. One time I heard Alan Jackson rhyme "cell phone" with "carburetor." And it worked! If he doesn't give a shit, why should I? This ain't no Romper Room or nursery rhyme time, be a damn grown-up and use a little ingenuity. Show me a man who's ever once used a rhyming dictionary while he was writing a song, and I'll show you a man who's bussing tables at the IHOP to finance his crappy demo CD. Truth. Live it, love it or just bite me.

*not actually written by John Rich.

Senseless Censorship X

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #55

Hey y'all. It's been a while huh. Well, I've got a little time here in the airport, so I thought I'd crap out a new songwriting tip for you. If you're a world traveler like Mr. Big Bad Too-Drunk-to-Fly here, you may wonder where in the hell you can find time to write your latest hit that sounds like everybody else's but with the words arranged differently. Well, airport bars are a f**king wonderful place to jot down sh*t on napkins while you hit on stewardesses and college girls. I just wrote this about an hour ago: "Hot little number from Arizona State/headin' home for holiday break/I'd like to take her in the lavatory/Give 'er a mile high ride on 'old glory'." Hell yeah, there's a patriotic anthem bitches! You never know when a brilliant idea like that might pop into your head. Huh huh, I said head. Man, the mixed drinks at airport bars are strong as a mother. I ain't drunk though, dumb ass stewardess and pilot. That's the last time I fly Southwest…oversensitive f*cks. Where was I? Oh yeah, you can write while you're waiting in the terminal too… I like to just pretend to write mostly, so people won't ask for my autograph or take pictures with me. Get that sh*t out of here, you can buy my autograph on E-bay like all the other peasants. Well, my limo from Nashville should be here in 12 hours or so, so I gotta get a little more drinking in before then. Later, turdburglars.

*not actually written by John Rich

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #54

Teabagger, I mean, mailbagger Kevin in Cincy writes: John, at what age did you realize country songwriting was the only possible career outlet for you?

Well Kev, I got my first guitar when I was four and wrote a song about the hot six year old next door that very day. Hold up! I think you were inferring that maybe I don't have any other bankable skills. Bitch please! I could have been a porn star, I got the 'stache and the "stash" if you know what I mean. I could have been in the UFC if they allowed weapons. I'm mean with the metal pipe. Those are only two of my many skills. Get off my crotch.

*Not actually written by John Rich

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #53

Be nice to people with lesser talent or fame than you. At least come up with polite ways to say "get the hell away from me." Some guy called last week and asked if he could write with me. I told him, "Man, I love your work (lie), but I'm so swamped with these new EP releases this new Big & Rich Tour that I don't have the time right now (kinda true)… I'll keep your number in my phone (lie) and get back to you in a month or six (doubtful)." I think he said his name was Josh Grinder… or something like that, from Texas. You get the point. There's no reason to belittle associates; just baffle them with bullsh*t. Put that in your crack pipe and smoke it. Out!

*Not Actually Written By John Rich

Snap Judgments: Promo Only Country Radio June 2011

Snap Judgments: Promo Only Country Radio June 2011

Extremely mixed bag this time out. Lots of good, lots of garbage, interspersed with the usual middle of the road. (Click song titles to listen)

Blake Shelton - Honey Bee

My first thought is "phoning it in." This is a catchy song, but it's such an easy release… no risk involved whatsoever. Sure Blake sounds good and the song is catchy, but there's not much "there" there. It's cheerful, radio-friendly and requires little attention. On top of that, it's mostly just a list of things that go together as a comparison to a relationship. Not bad, but at this point, I expect a lot more from Blake - at least as the first single from a new album anyway.

C

Trace Adkins - Just Fishin'

Following his usual pattern of "crap song-good song-crap song-good song," Trace delivers another strong release. It's well-intentioned and follows through on that message with a solid delivery. Trace just kills these "family is everything" songs. Good stuff.

A-

Luke Bryan - Country Girl (Shake it for Me)

Not good at all. Luke was poised to jump to the A-list… and probably still is, commercially, but this is just a bad, bad song. I like Luke and think he's got a ton of potential in the neo-traditional realm, but this is a flat-out laughable track. On the bright side, it's ripe for plenty of comedy material.

F

Stealing Angels - Paper Heart

Nice melody, fairly memorable song. Vocals are a little thin, but this isn't too bad overall.

C+

Brantley Gilbert - Country Must Be Country Wide

Disclaimer: I'm not a fan of this guy (or any of his compadres, but we'll get into that later). I think he's just Jason Aldean redux, and this song does nothing to refute that opinion. Lots of name-dropping, lots of rock riffs, lots of attitude. Nothing more. Some of his slower songs I've heard prove him to be more than a one-trick pony, but this isn't very good.

C-

Dierks Bentley - Am I the Only One

Another big talent kinda phoning it in, but at least this one's more fun. Just another light-hearted summer country partyin' song, but Dierks sounds into it enough to make me take notice. It's also populated with interesting details and characters, so it stands out to some degree.

B

Jason Aldean - Dirt Road Anthem

I told you he'd release this. I never had a doubt. 90% of my brain hates this so bad. It's a rap song, for those of you not in the know. He sings the chorus, but it's a rap song. And he drinks and drives in it. Not a very responsible message. Confession: 10% of my brain thinks this is very catchy and nearly a guilty pleasure. The 90% wins, however.

C-

Jaron and the Long Road to Love - It's a Good Thing

Jaron has been trying in vain to repeat the success of his '10 hit, uh, whatever it was called - that spiteful one about flower pots falling on his ex's head. This is like his 4th single since then, to no avail. It's not country, piano pop really. Jaron sounds good though. Way catchier than anything Jimmy Wayne's put out lately. Still, not a hit. Just not substantial enough for repeated play.

C

Reba - When Love Gets a Hold of You

Shouldn't that be "When Love Gets Aholta You" for the country market? This isn't bad, but feels a little thin. The melody just doesn't have enough highs and lows to keep my interest. Reba sounds great, as always, but this tune isn't up to her level. It sounds like a hit though.

C+

Jake Owen - Barefoot Blue Jean Night

Way better than I expected. It's a simple pop-rock summer anthem, but it's a helluva earworm. I should probably hate this but I don't… it just has a certain "it" factor I can't explain. Big hit.

B

Billy Currington - Love Done Gone

As happy of a sad song as you're gonna hear, "Love Done Gone" would be craptacular at the hands of a lesser vocalist, but Billy is not a lesser vocalist. The opening "babadabadaba's" nearly turned me off in the first place, but I stood strong and Billy hit a homerun with this release. I have a soft spot for bittersweet tunes like this. It's poppy, catchy and well-performed. A winning single.

B+

Margaret Durante - Maybe Tonight

Meh. Not catchy, not that well sung. Nothing to see here.

D

Rodney Atkins - Take a Back Road

Looks like my predictions that Rodney's 15 minutes were up were incorrect. He milked that last album with the sh*tty "Farmer's Daughter" tack-on-hit into some staying power, and follows that up with a surprisingly good new single. It follows his usual schtick, but without any of the shockingly embarrassing lyrics he usually drops in. There's a name-drop, but it's on-point with the song's theme, so no negative points for it. Unsurprisingly, a tractor is mentioned. I think he has a one-tractor-mention-per-song quota in his contract. Anyway, not a bad song at all.

B-

Jason Michael Carroll - Numbers

Cracker Barrel's newest employee delivers his first single for that label here, to not-so-great results. JMC's got a killer baritone, but he sounds way too stilted and karaoke-ish here. Also, the "numbers" theme gets tired out within the first two lines and it doesn't quit. This sounds like a too-clever lyric written by a lyric-critique message board regular (i.e. something I'd have written 5-6 years ago), and just isn't up to snuff with the market. Overkill in the thematic department too. Rewrite.

D

Randy Houser - In God's Time

Devastatingly good. Repeating myself: in the hands of a lesser vocalist, this might be overwrought and come off as way too schlocky… but Randy is not a lesser vocalist. In fact, he has, bar-none, the best voice in modern country music and he just kills in this song. If you don't listen to this with the ear of a jaded, better-taste-than-thou music snob, it's a near masterpiece. Here's hoping this guy finally gets his due.

A+

Sunny Sweeney - Staying's Worse than Leaving

Love this chick and this is my favorite track off her recent EP. It's kinda throwback in its theme - sounds very 90's in that aspect - but it's modern sounding. She's in great voice and this is a very solid tune. I'm so tired of happyhappyjoyjoy radio - we need more songs like this on Clearchannel.

A-

John Rich - For the Kids (warning: this vid's a tearjerker)

You know me - I want this guy to be FTM fodder for years to come - but he seems to possibly be maturing in more ways than one. His Celebrity Apprentice appearance actually had me rooting for him - on the show and in his life, that he'll overcome the reputation he's lived down to for years. Honestly, this is not a song I'll listen to multiple times, but for what it is (an anthem for the St. Jude's Childrens Hospital), it's excellent. John sounds better than he usually does on slower songs, and this isn't bad overall. I'll average out my personal feelings and my critical perspective and give this a:

B

Danielle Car - Pretty Please

Thin, poorly produced. Catchy though. Pretty good mix of country and rock with a little attitude mixed in. The lyrics are middling, but in parts, memorable. That all adds up to a:

C