The Worst Country Songs of 2000-2009
By Bobby Peacock a.k.a. TenPoundHammer
"Bob That Head" by Rascal Flatts
If Gary LeVox screeching "BOB THAT HEAD!"
at full blast doesn't scare you away immediately, then you must be the most
stoic person alive. Not that the rest of the song is any better. Even after the
label wisely sent out an edited version, it still didn't change the dopey,
meatheaded proto-bro-country lyrics about riding around town with a hot girl in
your car -- a theme that fits Gary LeVox about as comfortably as a pair of size
36 slacks from Ross Dress for Less.
"Bonfire" by Craig Morgan
Like I pointed out in the 2010s list, this is the point where
Craig decided that screaming everything in an over-exaggerated drawl was the
same thing as singing. To be fair, "party in the woods" songs weren't
nearly as omnipresent as they would be in later years, but the harsh sonic
surroundings do nobody any favors. Can you believe Kevin "That's Just
Jessie" Denney wrote this?
"The Bumper of My SUV" by Chely Wright
As the AV Club once pointed out... how does Chely in the song
know that she's being flipped off because of her bumper sticker? Why does she
act so bluntly defensive over something she's only assuming? Why does she turn
around and make such broad assumptions about that person? Maybe that person
doesn't go to a private school. Maybe they don't give two shits about your
bumper sticker. Or your stance on war. Or that fact that this song just drones
on and on without any melodic changes.
"The Christmas Shoes" by NewSong
Most CCM is just too slickly produced and stridently sung for
my tastes. But rarely can I hate it on message alone -- if you find something
like "I Can Only Imagine" (which I took off this list at the last
minute) uplifting, then I won't fault you for it. But what exactly is uplifting
here? We've all heard the Patton Oswalt routine so we all know what's wrong
with its message. But the sterile production, the pompous lead vocals, and the
zombie children singing on the last chorus just really send it over the top,
don't they?
"The Climb" by Miley Cyrus
I hate motivational songs. I hate pop songs being sent to
country radio for no reason. I... actually don't hate Miley at all. But this is
just a mountain of motivational clichés with no real narrative thought or
emotion, and it certainly feels like a climb to listen to.
"Concrete Angel" by Martina McBride
I would never make light of child abuse. But like so many of
Martina's songs, it feels like it was inserted into the song just to manipulate
a bleeding-heart fanbase instead of tell an actual story. Every second of this song is bombastic and
overwrought and, as I've said before, it's like watching a Lifetime movie where
everyone is screaming their dialogue.
"Country Boy" by Alan Jackson
When the first thing a 50-year-old man says is "I'm not
a stalker", and then he follows it up with a blatant innuendo like
"climb in my bed, I'll take you for a ride", all I can ask is why
Herbert the Pervert got to record a country song. Not that the clunky melody,
God-awful slant rhymes (asphalt/red dirt, help you/take you), and overlong
verses (why does the song have two bridges?) do it any favors.
"Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue (The Angry
American)" by Toby Keith
Spoiler alert: this list will have a lot of 9/11 and Iraq War
songs on it. I have no problem with love of country. I have no problem with
anyone who is pro-war or anti-war. What I have a problem with is over-the-top
jingoism. (You do know that the Statue of Liberty would have to set down either
the torch or the tablets to shake her fist, right?) But what really sent this
song over the top for me was the "boot in your ass" line. It just
promotes an aggressive, violent, xenophobic mindset and to me, reinforces all
the negative stereotypes of the "MURICA" crowd.
"Girls Lie Too" by Terri Clark
I ultimately took the cringeworthy Gretchen Wilson knockoff
"Dirty Girl" off this list (come to think of it, "Gypsy
Boots" was pretty dreadful too). I decided that two factors make this song
even worse: 1.) uninspired attempts at battle-of-the-sexes humor that are
either trite or misandristic, and 2.) the blatant chart manipulation that got
this song to #1 in the first place.
"God Bless the Children" by Wayne Warner and
the Nashville All Star Choir
This guy's slick, strident, overly touchy-feely delivery
makes the lead singer of NewSong sound like Leonard Cohen. He both looks and
sounds like that child counselor that ends up flashing you. The song was done
for an adoption charity, and as my sister is an adoptee I have no issue with
his support. But as a musical product, this is cringeworthy in how unlistenable
it is.
"God Only Cries" by Diamond Rio
"God only cries for the living 'cause it's the living
that are so far from home." So He doesn't cry for the dead because
they're no longer with their loved ones? He doesn't cry for the living because
He wants them to be comforted in their loss? Does He want everyone to
die so the angels can all be happy and no one has to cry anymore? The more I
look at that one line alone, the more problematic it comes off.
"The Good Lord and the Man" by John Rich
I was way too soft on this song when I reviewed it for Roughstock
in 2009. Where do I even begin? Describing Pearl Harbor as a "sucker
punch"? Or how about saying that we'd "all be speaking German /
livin' under the flag of Japan" if not for our soldiers? Maybe it wouldn't
be too bad from another singer, but from someone who released a song
called "Shut Up About Politics" and never managed to follow his own
advice, this seems like a fine line between pandering and trolling.
"Have You Forgotten?" by Darryl Worley
Tired of hearing me rant about political songs yet? Just
about everyone's picked this one apart for how much of a wrongheaded straw-man
argument it is. And I agree -- regardless of the intentions, the song just adds
up to a confused mess of patriotic rah-rah lines. And WHY IN GOD'S NAME am I
still hearing "You say we shouldn't worry 'bout Bin Laden" on the
radio in 2020?!?
"Here for the Party" by Gretchen Wilson
I actually kind of liked Gretchen Wilson. Her grit was
refreshing even if a bit calculated at times. But this song was easily the weak
link in her debut. It was one of the only times that she sounded forced and
over-the-top, instead of letting the fun come naturally, and the whole song
just fell flat. And it's probably also her shrillest vocal performance.
"I Ain't No Quitter" by Shania Twain
"My man does literally everything wrong, including
excessive womanizing and infidelity. But I'm not getting rid of him because...
uh, I'm stubborn?" What a wonderful positive message to send out.
Especially when Shania gives one of the most deadpan, lifeless deliveries of
her entire career.
"I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack
featuring Sons of the Desert
I hate songs that consist entirely of motivational platitudes
with no narrative or through line of any kind. This is one of the biggest, and
one of the most infuriating simply for how antipodal it is to the rest of her
discography. Even if I weren't as vehemently opposed to this kind of song, I
would still find it as out-of-character as I would if George Strait suddenly
started recording gangsta rap.
"I'm a Survivor" by Reba McEntire
Starting off the song by declaring yourself to be a premature
baby when you clearly weren't absolutely smacks of manipulation. It's the only
thing that even gives this song any semblance of flavor, as the rest is sub-Jo
Dee Messina level "you go girl" empowerment the likes of which does
not fit Reba at all.
"I'm Already There" by Lonestar
Usually in the "when you coming home, Dad?" kind of
songs, the father actually does come home at the end. But instead, this one
just has the father coldly dismissing the family's valid pleas to come home.
(At least I can see how "My Front Porch Looking In" could be
uplifting...) Add some of Dann Huff's most bombastic, string-drenched power
ballad production and Richie's overwrought singing, and you're just left
wondering how this is the same band that did "No News".
"In My Daughter's Eyes" by Martina McBride
In my daughter's eyes, everyone lives in peace and harmony
with puppies and sunshine and rainbows. My daughter is going to be so sheltered
and doe-eyed when she becomes an adult, because she thinks such syrupy drivel
is the truth. Maybe her daughter in this song is actually RaeLynn? This
explains so much. At least this one wasn't an ear-splitting belt-fest.
"Iraq and Roll" by Clint Black
Yeah, you probably don't remember this song. It was only on
his website for a short time. But lucky for you, the Wayback Machine saved it:
Link... if you dare
The song actually starts off inoffensively enough, but then
launches headlong into some absolutely laughable lyrics ("If they won't
show us their weapons, we might have to show them ours / It might be a smart
bomb, they find stupid people too") that seem like the insane ramblings of
someone who's been locked in a pod watching nothing but Fox News since 2002.
"Jeep Jeep" by Krista Marie
What would happen if you made a bro-country song before
bro-country was even a thing, but flipped the sexes? And gave it a really dumb
dumb hook hook that repeats repeats words words for no reason reason? You'd get
"Jeep Jeep", of course course. At least she ended up making far
better music in The Farm.
"Kiss My Country Ass" by Rhett Akins
Country pride songs are a dime a zillion. Most of them are
inoffensive enough, or sometimes even guilty pleasures. Some are even quite
well-written. But this is infuriatingly dismissive from its title alone, and it
only gets worse with the overly MURICA second verse. It's okay to be country;
just don't be a dick about it.
"The Little Girl" by John Michael Montgomery
Nothing good can come from a song based on one of those
sickeningly manipulative e-mail stories that got circulated in the early 2000s
(nowadays it'd be on Facebook). Even at the time, I read Snopes enough to know
how manipulative (both parents get murdered!) and unrealistic (how does
he know that's Jesus?) the story is. In the words of Weird Al, "Stop
forwarding that crap to me."
"Love Is" by Katrina Elam
Getting back to the subject of ear-splitting belt fests...
how about an oversung, over-the-top power of love anthem that brings literally
nothing new to the subject other than awkwardly shoehorning in the word
"bling"? This sounds like the kind of Celine Dion/Whitney
Houston/Mariah Carey knockoffs my mom used to listen to back in the late 90s,
only at least 10-15 years too late.
"Loud" by Big & Rich
Horse of a Different Color is one of my all-time
favorite albums for how balls-to-the-wall madly creative it was. But as early
as the second album, I could tell that Big & Rich were starting to run out
of ideas. And by "Loud", they were reduced to a bunch of party-hearty
clichés without any semblance of creativity other than a couple of interesting
guitar textures. Even their voices sound strained and off on this.
"Mr. Right Now" by Povertyneck Hillbillies
Hey, remember that time you heard what sounded like a local
bar band that somehow got on your radio? No, not "I Loved Her First".
That one's actually okay. This one, however, just sounds like an utterly
uncreative bunch of guys who somehow snuck onto a few playlists. From the
unoriginal title to the groan-worthy dance/chance/romance rhyme to the
name-drop of Popeye the Sailor Man, this song just screams "not ready for
prime time".
"One Voice" by Billy Gilman
Yet another entry in the "Chicken Soup for the
Soul" country song movement sparked by "Holes in the Floor of
Heaven". Lyrics about as subtle as a ten-pound hammer to the face (mom
won't watch the news, meaning she's sheltered and oblivious), all sung by a kid
too young to even know what's going on in the world as it is. Maybe an adult
singer could have made this at least palatable, but Gilman just wasn't ready
for prime time yet.
"Sideways" by Dierks Bentley
One of the most atonal guitar/banjo intros I've ever heard, a
chunky melody that flows like a year-old container of cottage cheese, a
weaksauce hook, and one of Dierks' dullest deliveries. Maybe on the surface it
just sounds mediocre, especially considering how phoned-in the entire Feel
That Fire album was, but this song just has that extra degree of not caring
that sends it over the top for me.
"Streets of Heaven" by Sherrié Austin
Another song with a perfectly valid topic: a mother's grief
about possibly losing a child. But where it fails is in its attempts to
browbeat God ("Don't you know one day that she'll be your little girl
forever / but right now I need her so much more"). I'm an atheist and I
still know that's not how you talk to God. Also, I thought Heaven's streets
were made of gold. Not exactly the kind of thing that has a lot of traffic.
"Then" by Brad Paisley
This is actually one of Brad's better vocals and it has a
good arrangement. Shame that the lyrics are absolutely unimaginative pap. (No
lie, I correctly predicted nearly half the chorus, down to the insipid whole
life/whole world/without you, girl rhyme on the first listen.) Even "When
I Get Where I'm Going" had some flavor to it, but this is just beyond
bland. What makes it worse is that overplay of this one kept the massively superior
"Welcome to the Future" from going to #1.
"This Ain't Mexico" by Buddy Jewell
"You can call me a closed-minded, old-fashioned,
flag-waving gringo". Yes, because that's what you are. By stapling on
stereotypical mariachi sounds to your xenophobic rant against immigrants, along
with head-scratching namedrops like Johnny Rodriguez (who was born in Texas, by
the way). Oh yeah, and your desire to have that wall built... how's that
working out for you 12 years later? I'm surprised you didn't work the word
"wetback" in there somewhere.
"This One's for the Girls" by Martina McBride
Can I nominate "living on dreams and Spaghetti-Os"
for one of the worst lyrics of all time? If not, then that still doesn't help
this song's case. Messina had already beaten girl-power anthems into the ground
by this point, and Martina makes it worse with some of the cheesiest lyrics
I've ever heard, combined with a gaggle of girls on the obnoxious chorus.
"Troubadour" by George Strait
No, that's not a typo. Everyone hypes this up as one of his
best, but I really, really don't get it. This song just feels like it
barely exists. Like they just came up with 10% of an idea and left it at that.
So you're a troubadour -- what does that mean in this context? Why doesn't the
mirror tell the whole truth about you? Why did you rhyme "mirror"
with "mirror"? What's your backstory? Why are you telling us so very
little?
"The Way You Love Me" by Faith Hill
"If I could grant you one wish / I wish you could see
the way you kiss." Um, that's not how wishes work. How did nobody
involved in the creation process catch this? While there is an admittedly very
clever use of key change on the chorus, that is instantly snuffed out by the
bubblegum-pop lyrics (baby/crazy, never seen that one before) and the incessant
"ooh"ing to stretch out the meter.
"What I'm For" by Pat Green
Yay, a list song of stock country-boy tropes. Never heard
that one before. Let's see: technophobia? Check. Jingoism? Check. Random
regional food and drink name-drops? Check, twice actually. Respecting your
elders? Check. God? Check. And this is the song you pulled "Country
Star" for?
"What If She's an Angel" by Tommy Shane
Steiner
One of the last waves of the "Chicken Soup for the
Soul" movement and one of its worst. Ripping off "Don't Laugh at
Me", a song I already dislike, in its first verse, and then somehow also
forcing in abuse and cancer. It's like a genderflipped Martina McBride.
"When It All Goes South" by Alabama
Hey, who wants to hear a band of middle-aged men strain for
cred by doing a G-rated ripoff of Kid Rock's "Cowboy"? Nobody, that's
who. Not even their collab with 'N Sync was this embarrassingly bad.
"Who I Am" by Jessica Andrews
I tore this one when
I wrote about Jessica Andrew forRoughstock back in 2013. It's always felt like two men writing what
they think teenage girls think about because they haven't seen any teenage
girls in 20 years. No teenager is going to be upset about not seeing the Seven
Wonders or not winning a Grammy. Jessica did have good songs in her, but she
just sounded dull and lifeless on these facepalm-worthy lyrics.
"You Are" by Jimmy Wayne
When it comes to cliché storms, this is Hurricane Katrina.
(Too soon?) "It breaks my heart in two". "You are my love, you
are my life." "Heart and soul." "My fantasy, my
reality." It's like if you tried to write a country wedding song with a
random number generator.
