May 21, 2011
May 20, 2011
May 19, 2011
May 18, 2011
Satirical Lyrical: Suburban Outlaw
Suburban Outlaw
©2011 FTM Satire
I never drive less that ten miles past the limit
Sometimes I log on Facebook just for unfriendin'
I hide Skoal from my wife in the glove compartment
Sometimes I blame other folks when I did the fartin'
I'm a suburban outlaw
A Durango drivin' desperado
Got a backlog of parking tickets
If my nose has a boogie, damn right I pick it
That's how I roll, y'all
I'm a suburban outlaw
I'm a dangerous man spinning four bald tires
Sometimes I drink milk that's two days expired
Half of my music collection wasn't paid for
I dump grass clippings in the yard of my neighbor
I'm a suburban outlaw
A light beer buzzin' desperado
I flirt with every Hooters waitress
If I want a hotel robe, damn right I take it
That's how I roll, y'all
I'm a suburban outlaw
Bridge
I'm public enemy number five-thousand eight
Sent Black Swan back to Netflix two months late
My fantasy football team has a dirty name
Association dues ain't paid, you know who to blame
I'm a suburban outlaw
Yell at the coach when my son plays baseball
Sometimes I like to crank Limp Bizkit
Pretend I'm not home to a Jehovah's Witness
That's how I roll, y'all
I'm a suburban outlaw
May 17, 2011
Out Today: The Rankin Twins - Silver Lining EP
The lovely, and extremely nice, Rankin Twins (or as Rita B calls them: well, see album cover) celebrated the release of their EP, Silver Lining today and you should check it out. They are folksy poppy country with great harmonies and catchy songs. Listen to song samples or purchase a digital copy at iTunes. Purchase a physical copy here.
May 16, 2011
Tracklist Prediction: Eric Church - Chief
Tracklist Predictions
In which, FTM attempts to predict what the songs will be about based on titles alone.
A week or two ago, Eric Church released the track listings for his upcoming release entitled Chief. Here are FTM's best guesses for what the songs will be about based only on the titles.
1. Creepin'
An update of TLC's "Creep," Eric Church's "Creepin'" expands on the subject of secretly cheating on a significant other who cheated first. In Eric's case, "creep" is fairly literal; he finds his attempts at sexing up random strangers repeatedly rebuked due to his sex offender-like appearance.
2. Drink in My Hand
Koolaid finally gets its due as Eric sings about memories of sipping the sugary fruit-flavored beverage during his formative years. Somehow working in his usual schtick of emphasizing his outlaw credentials, Church recounts the time, as a 5-year-old, he spent more than the allotted time on the GI Joe bounce-house while hopped up on grape Koolaid, then at 9 (drinking Island Punch) when he acted as if he had discovered all the cheats for Super Mario Brothers 2 (his subscription to Nintendo Power had more to do with it), then at 12 when he glued on his first fake porn-stache while pretending his lemonade Koolaid was beer.
3. Keep On
This inspirational piece tells rednecks to keep their head up and continue using smokeless tobacco products despite all medical and scientific information that says it's bad for you. It would be chosen as RJ Reynolds' new ad campaign theme if the government allowed them to advertise on television and radio.
4. Like Jesus Does
A song about things rednecks do that, presumably, Jesus also does. For example: throwing beer cans through the sliding rear glass into the truck bed, shooting road signs for no apparent reason and frying foods that were never intended for such purpose.
5. Hungover & Hard Up
A paradoxical take on the phenomenon of having morning wood while you're hunched over the porcelain throne.
6. Homeboy
You've already heard this take on why Eric dislikes black people. It's a hit, thus proving Nashville and all its fans are ragingly racist.
7. Country Music Jesus
A song about his buddy Kid Rock, who's neither country music, nor religious… but whatever. It's got a helluva guitar riff!
8. Jack Daniels
The spirits industry finally gets a much-needed nod from the country music community, lifting this little known distillery to regional, neigh, national recognition. The song, not actually about the specific brand, only mentions the whiskey in passing, drawing comparisons to Jason Aldean's "Johnny Cash."
9. Springsteen
Eric talks about the time he met Bruce Springsteen and gave him his autograph.
10. I'm Gettin' Stoned
Eric likes to hit the bong, in case you didn't know. This is Chief's marijuana ode, much as Brad Paisley once included a gospel song on every album. Only, Church is, you know, an outlaw. Big time, chief.
11. Over When It's Over
A satirical song about cliches, "Over When it's Over" takes celebrities to task for their over-use of trite statements and maxims, such as "it is what it is" and "taking it to the next level." Church shows a shocking amount of self-awareness and proves he is not just an outfaux, but an entertainer with his finger on the pulse of popular culture and a snarky sense of humor. Farce the Music shuts down in the wake of this turning point in the general public's recognition of meta-humor.
May 15, 2011
May 13, 2011
YouTube Gems: Austin Lucas
From his EXCELLENT and highly recommended new album A New Home, In the Old World, here's Austin Lucas' video for one of my favorite tunes of the year, "Thunder Rails."
May 12, 2011
John Rich's Songwriting Tips #51
I've come up with a groundbreaking concept to save songwriters valuable space in their "how country I am" songs for more redneck imagery. Instead of mentioning Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings, Merle (does he even have a last name?) and that other guy individually by name, one can simply say "The Highwaymen." I just learned of this 80's and 90's supergroup/time-saving-wonder recently. This is unfortunate because it would have left more room in my earlier rural anthems for extra lines about bench seats and loving America. From this point forward, "The Highwaymen" will be the standard for namedropping. You're welcome, underlings. Now excuse me while I whip this thing out.*Not actually written by John Rich.
May 11, 2011
May 10, 2011
Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Casey Donahew Band
Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Casey Donahew Band - "Let Me Love You"This guy is one of those Texas country singer/songwriters, so you know pride is his greatest sin. Those people think they are God's gift to this planet with all their "everything's bigger in Texas" jive. He's already got a strike against him.
Strike number two is the cover of this single. I'm not sure if he's trying to look lustful (sin) or lusty (sin), but either way… he looks creepier than my Aunt Bernadine did the time she hit on me at a dinner on the grounds, before she knew we were related.
Now we get to the meat of the matter: the song. It's about him wanting his woman to let him have sexual intercourse with her despite his wandering ways. This is selfish, beyond the obvious iniquities of the flesh. Can't this girl move on to another suitor more deserving of her womanly charms than a sleazy looking musician who's never home? She should settle down with some nice preacher's son or missionary so she can slide into God's desired role for her as a servant of man. Instead, she's supposed to wait around, working at the Walmart photo lab or somesuch, for the perverse come-ons of a pervy looking country music singer?
I believe that "let your arms feel my fire" is code for "let me stick my pecker into your hoo-hoo." For shame! There is no mention that he is married to this woman!
By the sounds of this song, I'd say Mr. Donahew (is he related to that liberal scum, Phil?) is aiming to have his song played on national radio. It's all catchy and shiny and perfect. The desire for riches is also a sin.
Does this man's (and this man's band's) impure desires know no bounds? He needs to get into a church and pray to God that he can be shown the error of his vulgar ways.
I was ashamed to even hear this trifle humanistic song. It made my manparts quiver in ways that the Lord does not approve of. I have already confessed and been forgiven of this sin. After
washing my lower extremities with water that I blessed myself, I have rated this song:
F
May 9, 2011
Top 10 The 9513 Memories
Last week, the mighty 9513 announced that it was shuttering its virtual doors - to much sadness and trepidation - due to time constraints. In honor of the best country music blog that ever was, FTM looks back on its favorite moments and comments from the 5-year history of the revered site.
Top 10 The 9513 Memories (that may or may not have been made up):
10. That news roundup in late May of 2010 dedicated only to LoCash Cowboys, SheDaisy and Fast Ryde tidbits.
09. The first link to a Rita Balloux article informing us what a merkin bump-it was. Yuck!
08. The day Jonathan presented an open-minded, well-balanced, thought-out retort to a review he disagreed with.
07. Juli Thanki's interview with Rosanne Cash in which she led with the question "Now, who are you again?"
06. C.M. Wilcox's 5-star review of "Brown Chicken Brown Cow"
05. The time Rick blamed the emergence of hick-hop on George W. Bush.
04. That time Carrie and Taylor fans harmoniously united in a comment thread over their shared hatred of twang, authenticity and artistic merit.
03. Jim Malec's politically unbiased review of that one patriotic war song by that guy in the hat (or was it the tall guy with the big muscles?).
02. The CMA's live blog where Karlie Justus challenged Miranda Lambert to a jello wrestling match.
01. The retraction of the negative review of Faith Hill's "Red Umbrella" based on threats of bodily harm to the Vercher twins by a couple of the songwriters.
May 8, 2011
Satirical Lyrical: Never Mind the Tatts
Never Mind the Tatts
©2011 FTM Satire
Hey y'all, remember me?
Just bought a new house in Tennessee
With the cash I made in alternative rock
But that ain't sellin' and the bills don't stop
So here I am
A country boy by damn
I've got a new drawl
And listen to me yell yeehaw
So, I'm from up north
There's dirt roads in New York
If I ain't country, I'll eat my hat
Never mind the tatts
I like salutin' the American flag
Buyin' Marlboros and taking a drag
I like to drive my new pickup real fast
And listen to me say "Johnny Cash!"
Oh, here I am
A country boy by damn
I've got a new twang
And listen to me yell hot dang!
So I pierced my nose
I'm dirty as a gravel road
If I ain't country, I'll eat my hat
Never mind the tatts
Bridge
Never mind the Mercedes Benz
Never mind my Hollywood friends
Never mind what TMZ might say
That whole gay thing was just a phase
And here I am
A country boy by damn
I've got a new drawl
And listen to me yell yeehaw
So I'm from up north
Shootin' coons is my favorite sport
If I ain't country, I'll eat my hat
Never mind the tatts
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