Showing posts with label Zac Brown. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Zac Brown. Show all posts

Jan 12, 2024

Zac Brown Announces Upcoming Second Midlife Crisis

Country bandleader Zac Brown had an announcement for fans this past Wednesday, but not one they’d have seen coming. Brown, 45, took to his socials not to announce an upcoming album or tour, but for something else entirely

“To all our fans, I have made the very difficult decision to begin my second midlife crisis. Despite thinking this part of my life was in the past, recent upheavals have made clear that I will soon be hitting the gym again.” began Zac, before running down a list of likely changes his repeat experience with the middle-age rite of passage will bring. 

“Where my previous midlife crisis saw me get arrested at a hotel where there were hookers and blow, this time around I’ll mix it up a little bit with… let’s go with escorts and ketamine in my vicinity this time,” continued Brown. “Surely in those alleged pursuits I will find myself …as well as a path forward.”

Many men experience a “mid-life crisis” sometime between the ages of 40-60 years old. According to Wikipedia, “it is a psychological crisis brought about by events that highlight a person’s growing age, inevitable mortality, and possible lack of accomplishments.” 

Oftentimes though, it is outside stressors that can also lead to a man of a certain age purchasing a soft top Bronco and dating a 24 year old they met at the dispensary. This seems to possibly be the case with Brown, who recently announced a divorce from his wife of 4 months.

In his previous crisis, Brown was known to experiment heavily, and poorly, with styles of music other than his usual jam-oriented pop-country. “Last time we did cringe-rap and EDM; this time I’m thinking I’ll embarrass the rest of the band with some guest shots from folks like The Kid LAROI and Kodak Black. Maybe we’ll drop a black metal album. Who knows? F*** the haters.”

At press time, Zac Brown was doing a photo shoot with People, touting his recent trip to Mexico for a non-FDA-approved baldness cure. 

Jul 14, 2023

Man Beaten in Parking Lot for Saying Zach Bryan Only “Pretty Good”

A music influencer and blogger was assaulted this week in the parking lot of his place of employment. Jesse Lindvall of Tupelo, MS, was walking out of his office Monday afternoon, when a large group of young men and women reportedly accosted him.

The attack left Lindvall, 36, with a bloodied nose, scratches, bruises, and a hunk of hair pulled out. “I took out a couple of them before they just overwhelmed me,” said the victim. “Those 2 were women, but hey, they hit me first and they had weapons, so I don’t feel bad about it.”

The reason for the violence left police scratching their heads. “So, they beat him up because he said (popular Americana/country artist) Zach Bryan is only ‘pretty good,’” said Tupelo police chief Harold May. “Sometimes I don’t even understand what’s going on anymore.”

“That’s right,” confirmed a shaken Lindvall, “they said it was because I have a large platform - my website and social media accounts - and have repeatedly said I think Zach Bryan is just alright.” Lindvall assumed they’d tracked him down by his Instagram posts. He then relayed to us the bizarre events of the fray.

He was leaving his printing company job around 5:02 Monday afternoon, when 2 women wearing Zach Bryan t-shirts approached him at his truck. They allegedly yelled “Only pretty good, huh?? You motherf***er!!!!” before both swinging their customized tumblers at Lindvall's face. One struck him on the right cheek before he pushed one of the assailants to the ground. 

A third female attacker ran out of the bushes yelling “something in the black and blue!” and delivered a punch to his right eye. Lindvall recoiled with an elbow, unintentionally knocking out one of the first women. He then rammed another of them with the door of his Silverado, before a gang of 6-10 others, including several bearded, vaping men, descended upon him.

When he woke up, the group was gone, leaving him with a scratched cornea, bleeding face, and a bald spot. There were also several Zach Bryan stickers covering his truck. He was treated at the scene.

Police say the print company’s security camera was not in operation, so none of the offenders have been identified, but that if anyone in the public has information about the crime to contact police immediately. “I don’t think there’s a threat to the community or anything,” laughed May. “But maybe watch what you say online about Zac Brown or Bryan or whoever. These community college kids are tougher than they look.”

At press time, Lindvall was purging his online presence of any references to Zach Bryan.

Sep 11, 2020

Zac Brown Band's "Whatever It Is" Chosen for STD Awareness Campaign

by Trailer - Originally Posted on Country California May 26, 2009 
The Zac Brown Band's recent smash "Whatever It Is" will be featured in an upcoming STD awareness ad campaign, reports the group's manager Turk Peeny. 

"We all got a good laugh out of it when they first called," said Peeny, referring to the nonprofit group Gone-orrhea's initial request. "I mean, 'she's got whatever it is', yeah, it works both ways... but this is a love song and the band didn't want it to be associated with STDs." 

When Gone-orrhea came calling a second time, though, Brown realized that the opportunity was one that his group, currently touring in support of their platinum disc The Foundation, could not afford to pass up. Long story short, Zac and bandmates agreed to license the song and retool its female-appreciative lyrics into something more on point. Only the chorus of the revised version is used in the ad spot, as the verses were deemed a little too sexual for prime time. 

The commercial depicts a young couple considering amorous relations before ultimately deciding upon the girl getting her genital inflammation checked out by a gynecologist as Zac sings "She's got whatever it is, getting tested today." As the spot fades, the line "gotta take that Cipro pill, cause baby I love you" accompanies the couple dancing in the rain. 

When asked if they'd be performing this version of the song during their popular live shows, Mr. Brown said it would depend on how much cold beer he had on a Friday night. 

At press time, Gone-orrhea was in talks with Rodney Atkins about repurposing the song "It's America" as "It's Chlamydia." 

May 7, 2020

Schitt's Creek Country Reaction Gifs

When Zac Brown raps

When the Kane Brown salesman knocks

♫ ♬ the Gatlin boys came calling
They took turns at Becky an' there was three of them
 ♫ ♬

Dressed up for a concert that isn't even scheduled

Luke Bryan sucks

When you see a Sam Hunt ad in the country magazine

When a Florida-Georgia Line fan wants to talk to you

How to know when a new folk album is ready for release

Oct 31, 2019

Scream Country Reaction Gifs

When the insurance company puts you on hold and their hold music is Thomas Rhett

"But the female country singers just aren't making songs as good as the men do"

 "Carrie, why did you key my truck, bust out my headlights, and flatten my tires?"

When you're about to walk into the Halloween party but you can hear Kane Brown music playing inside

Sturgill and Tyler are going on an arena tour in 2020!

♫ ♬ Here you come again
Just when I've begun to get myself together ♫ ♬

"But why can't I sing about clubbing in a southern drawl over an EDM beat and call it country?"

Her: (whispers) Morgan Wallen's version is better than Isbell's

We shoulda known something was up with Zac Brown when he changed some lyrics of Isbell's "Dress Blues"

Oct 25, 2019

Country Singer Craft Beers

*yeah some of them are "country" singers

 Mitchell Tenpenny’s White Bruh Hard Seltzer
Not beer, but sold in the beer section.

 Old Dominion Sweaty Sour
Hints of body odor, vending machine cologne, and green apple Lifesaver.
Creeps up on you.

Shooter Jennings’ Low Life Lager
Pretty damn good, but only comes in pony bottles.

 Sturgill Simpson Altered Beast
Tastes like a different style of beer every time you take a sip.

Zac Brown’s Angry EDM Ale
“Every time I get a new swig, I gotta get a new swig.”
So bitter and poorly made, Zac’s the only one who likes it.

Dan + Shay’s
Non-Alcoholic Beer
Way too sweet and beer without alcohol isn’t beer.


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