Jun 28, 2011
Jun 27, 2011
Jun 26, 2011
Top 10 Country Songs Most Soccer Moms Would Not Be Fond Of
Here's a countdown of 10 country songs that would not weigh easily on the sensibilities of most mainstream country radio listeners (now anyway - the Wagoner song made it to #2 in 1967). Feel free to add your own in the comments.
Can you imagine this playing on the radio after Taylor Swift's latest ditty? Me neither.
Hank and pals scream in honor of a "music artist" who frequently took a dump on stage and played in it (to put it nicely) and was also known for wallowing in self-drawn blood (to put it nicely again).
08. "Holding On So Tight" - Gary Floater (portion of the song at this link)
This ode to "punching the clown" might not rest easy on radio programmers' palates.
Lucinda has never been bashful about middle-aged sex. "Now I've got your sweetness all up in my hair"... TMI Lucy!
Unreasonable figures?
Pink champagne, candlelight, surprising the wife (and her lover ...with a knife!!)
Rodney's a born romantic, huh ladies?
03. "Delia's Gone" - Johnny Cash
This shockingly cold and violent song from the Man in Black is all the more disturbing because of who it's from.
I guess if you're as ugly as Coe, you've got to lay on the charm thick.
Hank returns to the countdown with this wordy-durd filled rant against Nashville, offering to put male and female sexual organs back into country music (were they ever there in the first place?) The D-word and the C-word get ample airtime.
Jun 25, 2011
YouTube Junk: Limp Bizkit
Yep, they're back and nothing's changed. Watch this only to laugh at the (possibly intentional but probably not) self-parodying nature of the video and marvel at the utterly hookless mess of a song. Worst Comeback of the Year? Probably.
Jun 24, 2011
Jun 23, 2011
Jun 22, 2011
Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Alan Jackson - Long Way to Go
I was excited to see that Alan Jackson, the singer of the wonderful gospel album Precious Memories, had a new song out. Then I listened to "Long Way to Go."
A few words come to mind as this wretched song plays: hypocrite, backslider, Pharisee, lip server. Apparently this great gospel music singer also has a side-career as a forsaken secular country singer.
I had hoped in my heart of hearts that the "long way to go" was the narrow path through this sinful world, but my hopes were dashed on the salty rim of a bug-ridden margarita glass. This song is about drinking alcoholic beverages to rid the mind and heart of "women that had done us wrong."
Lord, what are we to do when even the supposed "good" people of the entertainment world also dabble in the humanistic pursuits of this mortal coil? Who are we to look to? I fear for a world where young mop-haired girl singing about "baby baby baby" is held up as a paragon of virtue. Et tu Alan Jackson?
Alcohol has no good use other than cleansing barbed wire fence wounds. Let's take a look at some notable Biblical examples of the evils of His Satanic Majesty's beverage of choice.
"Noah became drunk; the result was immorality and family trouble" Genesis 9:20-26
"Nabal died after a drunken spree" 2 Samuel 13:28-29
And the most important verse in the entire Bible:
"If a Christian brother is a drinker, do not associate with him." 1 Corinthians 5:11
Mr. Jackson, I de-associate myself with you, brother. Alcohol is not a solution, it is the problem. It leads to stronger drugs. It makes people enjoy Jason Aldean music. It causes accidents forewarned by "Hey y'all watch this." It led to my daughter's shotgun marriage due to her impregnation.
Damn you evil spirits. And I pray for you, Alan.
F
Jun 21, 2011
Satirical Lyrical: A Realistic Summer Song
Here's a more realistic take on all the "got my girl and the weekend and my truck and we're going to the cabin and life is good" songs that come out about this time of year, just in time for summer country radio.
Here We Go
©2011 FTM Satire
I already paid the cabin rent
So we'll have fun, or you can go get bent
You're mad that your poodle couldn't come
But her yappin' makes it hard to get me some
Get your dirty feet off my dash
And gas is high, you best pitch in some cash
Beer is cold, but it's only Natty Light
The music's loud cause we just had a fight
But here we go
Down this old dirt road
Skies are blue, the sun's aglow
We got fish to catch and boats to row
Stop calling me a so and so
Oh no, here we go
Good thing you look good as you look
Cause you won't touch a fish or bait your hook
Girl I thought you quit those cigarettes
You said you've got bad habits you ain't quit yet
Water's fine but I don't like your drift
And I think that bikini top is last year's fit
Now you say you need to take a leak
But I think we're paddling up shit creek
Oh here we go
Sun is hangin' low
Boat's takin' on water slow
Dragonflies dipping to and fro
Try to kiss you but you say no
Oh no, here we go
Bridge
Now the rain is falling on this old tin roof
Your nightshirt's got me in the mood
But we ain't said a single word
And you're over there playin' Angry Birds
Oh here we go
The end is coming close
Rain comin' down like our hopes
No romance in the candle glow
Guess I'll watch the Kimmel show
Oh no, here we go
Jun 20, 2011
New Release Tuesday Parody Covers
Aside from Justin Moore's (already parodied) Outlaws Like Me, these albums also come out June 21st...
Jun 19, 2011
Jun 18, 2011
Jun 17, 2011
YouTube Gems: Jimbo Mathus
From my favorite album I've heard in a month or more, Confederate Buddha, here's Jimbo Mathus and the Tri-State Coalition with "Aces and Eights." RIYL: Levon Helm, Hayes Carll, Jason Isbell, Grayson Capps, Todd Snider.
YouTube Gems: 2Pac
Yesterday, Tupac Amaru Shakur would have been 40 years old. Today, FTM takes you back to the two contrasting sides of the man known as 2Pac - the thoughtful, socially aware side - and the devil-may-care gangsta side that eventually led to his early demise.
(This one is NSFW - very explicit language)
Jun 15, 2011
.99 Reviews - Kristin Chenoweth "I Want Somebody (Bitch About)"
Kristen Chenoweth - I Want Somebody (Bitch About)The People's Take
ugh (1 star)
by shell1120
really, love her, but this is crap
Crap (1 star)
by LeonardWilson
Rebecca Black sings better than her
UNBELIEVABLY FANTASTIC! (5 stars)
by AriannaTheofan
OMG!!!!! Absolutely IN LOVE with this song! Possibly me new favorite song! Kristin, is there any song you can't hit out of the ballpark?
Keep singing (5 stars)
by See me what
Don you there talk mad about her.
My Take
Where to begin, where to begin?
The beginning of the song maybe?
Kristen: "Hey, ha ha, yeah you, yeah y'all better listen up now, uh huh, huh! Okay!"
(Imaginary Producer: "Damn girl, are you sure you haven't been singing country all your life... good stuff! Take 5 and we'll get to the first verse!")
The first verse starts as such:
"I want someone I can talk to/All night anytime I want to/Who'll be there when I want/and won't be there when I don't want him to be." Folks, that's deep. I think writers like Jim Lauderdale and Darrell Scott should just hang it up now. The bar has been set way too high for them to get any more cuts in Nashville. Pack it up boys.
Enough with the facetiousness. I can hardly contain the bile rising in my throat after listening to this song three times in a row. I've already used up all the negative adjectives in the thesaurus on previous bad songs so I'll have to be a little more creative with my review of this steaming load.
I like Kristin Chenoweth. Let's get that out of the way. She's talented, funny, adorable and her duet with Randy Travis on his Anniversary Celebration album is excellent.
This song is the opposite of excellent. I challenge you. Hit that link in the title. Do it. See how far you can make it.
From the first word out of her mouth, you know the next three minutes won't better your life experience. By midway through the first verse (if you're still around), you're convinced you can write a better song with the local Montgomery Gentry cover band. By the chorus, you're feeling a growing sense that your organs are banding together to overthrow your mind for letting things go this far. By the end of the chorus, you're ready to jump into a Slayer mosh pit and leave the whole adrenaline and whiskey charged bunch lying in a pool of their own blood and broken limbs. If you make it to the end, you hate your ears. Or you're a blogger.
I listened to it a bunch so you don't have to.
It's lyrically insipid, vocally heinous (her voice just doesn't fit the style of the song) and generically produced. And the last half of the chorus... I don't even have the words.
Kristin has a master's degree in opera performance, she has appeared on Broadway numerous times and has many awards, including a Tony, to her name. All this, yet Nashville still saw fit to process her voice through some demonic vocal filter and throw in some weird mechanical sounding backing vocals. The finished product comes out sounding something like two feral cats mating on a rusty air-conditioning unit. Or maybe drunken harpies singing to the rhythm of a broken fan belt. I use a lot of hyperbole and the negative decriptions flow like water around here sometimes, but the chorus of this song is damn near torturous. Seriously.
I don't remember if it was Bucky Covington or maybe LoCash Cowboys or Soulja Boy, but this may be worse than any of those. It's certainly among the bottom 1 percentile of songs I've heard in my 36 years on this planet. And I've listened to a lot of songs.
It may have some kitsch value or possibly fall into that "so bad it's good" category, but what it comes down to is that this song is spectacularly terrible. An utter failure. We shall not speak of it again.
Total Value: .01/.99
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