What Your Favorite Album of 2019 Says About You 2

Zac Brown Band - The Owl

You tell everybody you like everything Zac Brown puts out no matter how he experiments, but in secret, you think this sucks.

Beyonce - Homecoming: The Live Album

You will taunt, threaten, curse, dox, and possibly inflict bodily harm upon anyone who says anything negative about this album, but otherwise you’re pretty nice.

Highwomen - s/t

You’re a strong, beautiful, independent woman and so is your significant other.

FGL - Can’t Say I Ain’t Country

You have a jacked up truck with exhaust stacks, fight with your girlfriend in public, and are drunk right now. Dad says your seventh year of community college is your last, graduation or not.

Maren Morris - Girl

You can’t get into the Highwomen album because it’s too country. You use way too many hashtags on Instagram.

Tyler Childers - Country Squire

You have a homemade bootleg live version of the album that’s “way better.” You sold a car out of your front yard for parts to get tickets to Sturgill and Tyler next year.

Puddle of Mudd - Welcome to Galvania

Wait, Puddle of Mudd still exists? You are a member of some guy in the band’s family.

Luke Combs - What You See is What You Get

Just gonna go out on a limb with this one and guess that you enjoy beer.

Vandoliers - Forever

You skate, fish, have purple hair, and are polite to your mama.

Zac Brown - The Controversy

You usually tell everybody you like everything Zac Brown puts out no matter how he experiments, but you gave up your fan club membership and started an anti-Zac Brown Facebook page after hearing this shit.

Post Malone - Hollywood’s Bleeding

You toss around words like ‘molly’ and ‘yeet’ but your 6th grade teacher doesn’t like you to say them in class.

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This is satire. Don't take it seriously.

Idea stolen from Medium.

Brandy Clark Covers "Good Hearted Woman"

11 Worst Country Songs of 2019

11 Worst Country* Songs of 2019

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1. Zac Brown Band - God Given
I somehow left Zac Brown off the original list, and I think that’s a symptom of his irrelevance these days. This is clearly the worst song released under the “country” heading in 2019. This song should be the new “Rick Roll.” What an embarrassment. Lame middle-aged white man rapping and beats and creepiness. Somebody set up an intervention soon.

2. Mitchell Tenpenny - Alcohol You Later

A heaving lump of R&B lite douchebaggery wrapped around a cliché of a hook.

3. Blake Shelton ft/Trace Adkins - Hell Right

Lame bro-country redux from the try-hard stepdad of mainstream country and his drunken uncle.

4. Luke Bryan - Knockin’ Boots

A cheesy come-on with stolen 90s slang. Cringe.

5. Avenue Beat - Delight

If they’re the future, I’m a proud boomer.

6. Florida-Georgia Line - Swerve

Not a single, yet, thankfully. As bad as anything they’ve done before, and that’s of course a deep well.

7. Mitchell Tenpenny ft/Seaforth - Anything She Says

Ugh. Mitchell Tenpenny has usurped Kane Brown as the artist whose voice makes me most quickly change the station.

8. Chris Lane - I Don’t Know About You

I don't know why you're still here.

9. Sam Hunt - Kinfolks

Not nearly as bad as driving the wrong way while drunk, but an affront to the senses to be sure. Please leave again.

10. Dustin Lynch - Ridin’ Roads

Dustin doubles down on his shallowness. His looks and willingness to blend into the sonic wallpaper are his only selling points now.

11. Brantley Gilbert - Fire’t Up

Brantley done fire’t up the wayback machine to 2013. His NFL performance was bad enough to trend on Twitter, and the studio version is only better in the way that getting punched in the stomach is better than getting punched in the face. 

*country = released into the country genre

A Message for Zac From the Other Side

Honors?

What Your Favorite Album of 2019 Says About You

Lizzo - Cuz I Love You

You started listening to this so your daughter would think you’re cool. She does not.

Thomas Rhett - Center Point Road

You can talk for hours on end without ever saying anything of importance. You go to church just so you look cute on Instagram once a week.

Billie Eilish - When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?

Your mom started listening to Lizzo so you’d think she’s cool. You don’t, but mostly because she won’t let you have blue hair or date a 23 year old.

Vampire Weekend - Father of the Bride

You’re at the age that you know what yuppies felt like in the 90s. You drive a Volvo.

Miranda Lambert - Wildcard

You don’t get drunk on the weekends as much anymore, but only because the hangovers really hurt in your mid-30s. You’ve had non-physical fights with your significant other so loud that the police were called …more than once.

George Strait - Honky-Tonk Time Machine

Country radio is not for you, but you don’t care if other people like it. You iron your jeans and only have one tattoo you got in the Navy.

Cody Jinks - The Wanting

Country radio is not for you, and f*ck anybody who likes it. You’re still wearing the same jeans from Saturday and have at least two skull tattoos.

Mitchell Tenpenny - Telling All My Secrets

You don’t know what year it is and have the shittiest taste in music possible. 

Koe Wetzel - Harold Saul High

You have a jacked up truck with exhaust stacks, fight with your girlfriend in public, and are drunk right now. But you still think you’re better than those douchebags who listen to Florida-Georgia Line.

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This is satire. Don't take it seriously.

Also, if your favorite wasn't here, there will probably be another edition.
Idea stolen from Medium.