Jul 29, 2010

Rascal Flatts' New Album Cover!

So was there some news about these guys today? I hadn't heard...

I was going to hold off on parodying this spanking new cover until August's Country Day, but Why Wait? Thanks to Jennifer and Benjamin on Facebook for a couple of these titles and also thanks to CM Wilcox of Country California.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #42

Okay, you've got a great song written, rewritten, recorded and professionally demoed. What now? Hell if I know. Maybe give it to a superstar singer you know. Oh yeah, you don't know any. Uh, record it yourself for your record label. You don't have a record label? Hmmm. Throw it up in the air and if it comes back down, it was never meant to be anyway. Man, I'm at a loss as to how the little man gets a song recorded.... uh, hmmm.

Just don't hand them to me if you see me around town. I've got lawsuits pending over songs I borrowed... supposedly stole. I really can't help you here. Bottom Line: Be famous and your songs will get recorded. That's how I roll, c*cksucker.

*Not actually written by John Rich.

Songs Illustrated #25

Click for a closer view.

Jul 28, 2010

Top 10 Names Rejected Before Settling on "Jaron and the Long Road to Love"

10. Jaron and the Short Trip to Country

09. Peter Brady and the Long Road to Love

08. Jaron Aldean

07. Jaron and His Weekday Tour

06. Mr. Lowenstein's Wonder Emporium

05. One Twin FTW!

04. Jaron and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

03. Fella' Antebellum

02. Jaron and the Thong Burns

01. Suck It Evan!

Jul 26, 2010

Liver, Liver (a parody lyric)

Liver, Liver
(Parody of Jerrod Niemann's "Lover, Lover")

80 proof
Well it burns to taste
But I'll be flat on my back
Before the break of day
I'm gettin' lit
Like I planned it
Us winners never say quit
They should buy me a plaque
Barkeep, before you get your ass whupped I got to say
You cut me off at eleven
But that was yesterday
Now it's two past midnight an'
Since my sober's returnin' you got to do what's right

Whoa, liver liver liver
I don't treat you no good no more
Oh liver liver liver
I don't treat you no good no more

Hell the truth,
Yeah it hurts today
I woke up flat on my back
And someone wrote on my face
Wet with beer
Or that might be tears
Can't believe they let me sleep here
This drinkin' thing, I've got the knack
Lord I'm supposed to be at work, and it's half past eight
Wait, who the hell's this woman
With her meaty arm around me
Droolin' on my shoulder, it's wet and cold
I shouldn't do it no more
But one drink leads to floor

Whoa, liver liver liver
I don't treat you no good no more
No no more more more
Oh liver liver liver
I don't treat you no good no more

yea, hellllll yea

Well I'm punishing you almost every night
Cirrhosis on the way cause I don't treat you right
Can't go to no AA, cause hugging at meetings sucks
I'm not an alcoholic just a drunk connoisseur

Liver oh liver
yeah yeah
no, no, more more more

Until whiskey digs me down into the grave, there'll be no givin it up
Drunken is my favorite state
Friends can't stand me no longer
Why they gotta hate?
I only feel bad for my organs yeah I gotta say
liver, oh liver, yeah, yeah
lliver liver liver
I don't treat you no good no more
liver liver liver
I don't treat you no good no more
liver liver liver
I don't treat you no good no more
liver liver liver
I don't treat you no good no more

Jul 25, 2010

Review Fails

I like to review songs and album as much as the next blogger, but sometimes it's just more fun to sit back and let the (ir)regular music fans do it... (these are actual unedited listener reviews culled from iTunes)

Dumbest and talentless song ever!!!!
(1 Star)
by MCspears
The stupidest song I have ever heard! Retarded! 5 year olds can write this song!!! No talent!

(5 Stars)
by SODMG, Inc.
all you haters should be ashamed of yourself. If you don't like it go listen to something else you racist no lifes!!! Go put in a gay rock album or something. leave soulja boy alone u make me sick.
PRETTY BOY SWAG is a good song if you don't like it don't click on it and waste valuable time trying to generate negative energy. no life racist.

(album review referring to the hit song "Use Somebody")
(1 Star)
by Jddfdf
THey copied brooke white she came out with an album 1 month before they did and had the same song.

(album review referring to her cover of "Use Somebody")
(1 Star)
by jaimiexcore
why would anyone ruin "use somebody" by kings of leon? ugh. ;/

The next Garth
(5 Stars)
by Voller82
It's cute and catchy and reminds me of the kind of music Garth Brooks did. I think Mr. Sarver has great potential to surpas Garth and this song is exactly why I think it. His vocals couldn't be purer. His soul shines right through the song and accentuates the words with meaning and a power that makes you grin from ear to ear.

How can u not lik it
(5 Stars)
by Luv4Allison
this is an abselutly aaamazing song im in shock that people dont lik it and danny didnt hav an any where near horrible apperance on ai what r u peeps talkin about u guys r CRAZY

Wow His Back Thank God
(5 Stars)
by J. Howell
This song rocks, i mean i loved his first album an can't wait to get his new one hopefully it comes out soon CAN'T WAIT, ALSO EVERYONE LISTEN TO LONESTAR'S NEW ALBUM IT ALSO ROCKS

(1 Star)
by manda:
White girls shouldn't sing all her songs sound the dam same with that annoying voice of hers.

Amazingly Awesome!
(5 Stars)
by GrimmjowCreedDiskence
Montgomery Gentry never seize to Amaze me! I listen to rock music mostly but Montgomery Gentry is one of the only country groups I will listen to. This is the reason why!

(1 Star)
by drycounty12
i cant believe this is what counrty has come to...t-pian can do it but not these guys

Love it
(5 Stars)
by Honda_Dirt_Biker_1023
Some people are accusing them of not being true to country music, but they never sent that message. You cant help but laugh at the names of the songs, the idea of using popular terms like "Make it Rain" and "Ridin' Dirty", i think that is hilarious and unique to these guys. They are not for the people who love traditional, Garth Brooks or even Tim McGraw like country. But if you are willing to take a risk, and give them a try, i know you will not be dissapointed. Its got a good beat, good lyrics, and good sound in general. I love the autotune too lol, that is just great! It's what caught my attention on the radio the first time i heard it.

Weezy ain't on his level
(5 Stars)
by ATX Soldier
Alright first of all he didn't get his name from candy his name us Marshal Mathers second he kills the track the chorus is a little on edge but it's good eminem I rebuiling his empire on top or the rap game

(1 Star)
by P0wn4g3x
...Just a white boy trying to act black

(1 Star)
by ??
complet trash, how did this get number one, there r just way to may cuse words

Loss in Country Music Through the Ages

Jul 24, 2010

YouTube Gems: Eleven Bones

I don't usually post two YouTube Gems in a row, but when I came across this, I couldn't wait to put it up. This is Matt Skinner & Dub Miller's rock band Eleven Bones with "Don't Want to Fall in Love" from their EP Four Day March. Recommended if you like Bastard Sons of Johnny Cash, Reckless Kelly, Cross Canadian Ragweed, etc (but I like them better than any of those bands).

Jul 21, 2010

4 Parodied Country Covers

Since July's Country Day was at the very first of the month, here are a few covers to tide you over until August.

Jul 20, 2010

___ Deserves a Sackpunch #10

"Gets Trashed at the Concert" Guy

Hey bro. Yeah, you working at the Check Cashing Depot... you with the tribal tattz, soul patch and prematurely receding hairline You probably don't remember me. Think back a few years to the Metallica concert in Memphis. Yes, you were there. Me and my buddies slipped into our not-so-great seats with our nachos and $6 beers for an enjoyable evening with the aging metal legends only to have you make it memorable for all the wrong reasons.

Of course, you and your hoochie looking girlfriend (you probably refer to her as "baby mama 2" by now) had seats directly in front of us. Of course you missed the opening act. Who pays $75 to see a full concert when they can be binge drinking in the parking lot, huh? Anyhow, you and your lovely lady friend made a big ruckus getting into your seats just as the house lights dimmed to alert us of the impending face-melting metal. You spilled your $6 beer on a dude beside you and had the gall to let out a stream of profanity that distracted everyone in Section Q from the curtain drop. You immediately did an about face to go get another overpriced American lager, the opening song be damned.

Ahh, a reprieve from the douchebaggery... we rocked out for 2 songs full of pyro and overused 4-syllable words before you made your triumphant return, nearly falling in the wet lap of the seething guy you'd spilled your Bud on 3 songs prior. "Whoooo hooo, "Sad But True!!"" you shouted as the band cranked out "Fuel." Dumbass.

Skip ahead a few songs, a cacophony of "whoo hoos" and $24 worth of beer down your gullet later. We hadn't heard from your tool self since you stared down Chris for "accidentally" looking down your skank's top when suddenly we smelled something funny. Yep, the "tree" was burning, because you weren't nearly intoxicated enough yet. You soon would be, though, and at least that settled you down a notch or two. It did not, however, save your seat from destruction.

Returning from an umpteenth bathroom trip, stumbling, slurring, drooling and pekid, you sat down hard on your seat with all your roided up weight and fell right through to the ash covered concrete. Another cloud of foul language belched forth from your fat head until your girl passed you the blunt again.

At this point we figured if we were being denied our full concert entertainment dollar's worth, we'd entertain ourselves. Y'all were zombies by this point and we were a little buzzed too, so we started pouring beer down the back of your shirts. You never noticed, only later declaring of your soaked t-shirt "I'm sweating like a mug up in this bitch." Dumbass.

I don't recall what songs Metallica performed in their encore because I was laughing and gagging at you puking up a kidney all over the row in front of you (thankfully not the one behind).

So anyway, you...who paid $150 bucks for tickets, dressed in your finest size-too-small tattoo print shirt and high dollar jeans.... You who only came to make out with your ho' and sing along to the one song you knew (Enter Sandman)... You whose blood alcohol level was surely higher than Ted Williams' fabled .400 batting average as you ruined the show for scores of metal-heads.... You... take it like a man:

Prepare to "Ride the Lightning" bolt of pain from this merciless sackpunch!!!

*This story has been embellished a tad to keep it current, but it's 95% true.

Jul 19, 2010

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #41

I've been asked many times if I write lyrics to music or music to lyrics. Well, kiddies, in the old days I did both at the same time. That's how you come up with most of the best sounding tunes. Once you get to the point that you have several tunes you really like and really work well, do what I do. I just dip back into the well, so to speak. Take an old song and rearrange the words a little bit, or change a chord here and there. When you've got a catalogue as successful as mine, you can do that. You wonder why all the songs on the radio sound alike? That's your answer children. Why the f**k should I go to the trouble of coming up with something new when the idiot public keeps buying the same sh*t with slightly different words? Does that make me lazy? Maybe. Rich? You mo-f**kin' right!!!!

Not actually written by John Rich.

The Wisdom of Roger Miller - a safety warning

Jul 18, 2010

Country Face Swaps

Face swapping was a popular internet meme a couple of months ago. FTM, always on the back of the curve, now presents the first edition of "Country Face Swaps." Click pics for a closer view.

Click here to view the Rascal Flatts
face swap in high resolution.

Jul 17, 2010

Jul 16, 2010

YouTube Gems: Sean McConnell

Now that my Texas Twitter compadres have told me that it's better than okay for a guy to dig Sean McConnell, I can let y'all in on this fantastic, soulful artist. Great songwriter, great hooks, even better voice. Fans of Jeff Buckley, Will Hoge and David Nail would do well to check him out. In fact, here's a song David Nail recorded for his current album, "Looking for a Good Time."

Jul 15, 2010

Brad Paisley's "Water" parodied

(Parody of Brad Paisley's "Water")

Cantankerous fool full of dead hot air
Twenty-five years old
Snarkin' everywhere
So much pretentiousness to share
As a blogger

With my new friends
We're in the know, or we pretend
Jimmy Wayne is a wuss
I make fun of him
I'm a blogger

Yeah when that comment thread starts to heatin' up
That always serves as proof
We've got traffic up
And folks are clicking through
What that means, I have no clue

Martina, Keith, Bucky and Blake
Are famous so I hate
With style so congratulate
This blogger

You know I have no joy

Yeah if I feel my foot start to tappin' down
And I start to sing out loud
I just punch myself in the ear till I feel the way I should
If it's popular, it's no good

Maybe it ain't fair
And I could be wrong
But I don't care
I even hate this song
I only like what's little known
I'm a blogger

I don't really care if you think I'm weird
That I have no dates
Well, that's pretty clear
You know that pretty girls all fear

4 Parodied Pop Covers

Jul 14, 2010

Little Known Facts III

Country singer Levester Sampsteen chose his stage name by dropping some monikers into a hat and pulling one out. Oddly, he'd forgotten to place any first names in the hat, so since he "drew" Kennedy, he went with that name. The rest is country music history.

When Carrie Underwood told Kellie Pickler she was a Vegan, Kellie remarked that she thought Carrie was from Oklahoma.

Leeann Rimes, after recalling the clientele of her hometown Pearl Walmart, has steadfastly refused shipments of any of her new albums to that store.

Martina McBride only drinks on days she receives royalty checks for "Independence Day." And Christmas. And days with "s" or "a" in them.

Topps Trading Cards put out a set of country star trading cards in the 90's that was a simple head shot of 25 popular singers. They had to use a wide angle lens for Wynonna's.

BomShel is a combination the two singers' names - Shelly and Bomeshia.

Miranda Lambert has never actually shot and killed a man, but then, her aim isn't all that good.

The members of LoCash Cowboys used to earn their keep as dance instructors.

Def Leppard, in anticipation of recording a country album later this year, has placed a want ad in several industry periodicals seeking "token fiddle player."

In his twenties, John Rich once valiantly rescued a cooler of Pabst that had tragically washed down into a culvert.

Jul 13, 2010

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #40

I don't really have any songwriting tips for you this time. I just wanted to say I love you people. Really...like a sh*tty Rascal Flatts song kind of love. I get a bad rap (and really, what rap ISN'T bad? am I right?) in the media about having a terrible attitude, but I'm a sap at heart. If it wasn't for you and you where would I be? There would be no Muzik Mafia, no Mt. Richmore, no JR media empire, no gold plated Guitar Hero axe in my game room, no loose sluts tailing my every move, no John Rich Special Edition Seagrams bottle in my elevator. Man I love you so much it makes my pants get tight. Come 'ere and gimme a kiss. No, not you, your girlfriend.

*Not actually written by John Rich.

Band Mashup: C+AS=

Jul 12, 2010

Top 10 Captions for Jason Aldean Photo

Top 10 Captions for this Photo

10. Toolbag with toolkit.

09. Jason Aldean is very secure in his manhood

08. Jason just before undergoing his operation to become Jessica

07. Wuss is the new black

06. Now, Jason's wife had further concerns about the gerbil she'd discovered earlier.

05. Country singer Jason Aldean unveils his new line of emasculating accessories

04. Jason Aldean shows true colors

03. TMZ Exclusive: Aldean caught holding the bag - swears it's not his!

02. Jimmy Wayne has a new rival for the title of "most sissified country singer"

01. After his jail stint, Jason was a little different

Jul 9, 2010

YouTube Gems: Kathleen Edwards

Love this girl (artistically). I hope you do too. Either way, check this out!

Jul 7, 2010

She Won't Be Homely Long (Parody Lyric)

She Won't Be Homely Long
(Parody of Clay Walker's "She Won't Be Lonely Long")

Somethin bout the way I'm drinkin' this Pabst a little faster
Covers up her flaws and wrinkles, like some magic plaster
Somethin bout the way she’s droolin' and ain't got no bra on
If she’s homely now she won’t be homely long

Heaven help me when I sober up
But it's too late, so barkeep fill my cup
My blood alcohol level says she won't leave here alone
If she’s homely now, she won’t be homely long

Somethin bout the way her tush is shrinking by the beer
Lets me know my sight is cloudin' while my intentions clear
Right now she looks like a Rottweiler just gnawing on a bone
If she’s homely now, she won’t be homely long

Heaven help me come the morning sun
But I won't regret it till this thing is done
My slurrin' and my flirtin' says I won't leave here alone
If she’s homely now, she won’t be homely long

If I had a woman like that
Man I’d blind myself
Oh, but tonight
I'm under her spell
I'm so glad that all my friends have headed home
So no one will ever know

Heaven help me when I sober up
But it's too late, so barkeep fill my cup
My blood alcohol level says she won't leave here alone
If she’s homely now, she won’t be homely long
If she’s homely now, she won’t be homely long

Jul 4, 2010

Country Day July: 2 Year Anniversary Edition

Farce the Music (+ a few months as "Photocrap") turns 2 years old on Monday, so we're celebrating with an extra large edition of Country Day. Thanks for sticking with me this long!


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