Just in Time For Fall Fairs and Carnivals!

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #67

Don't worry about giving the audience what they want. F**k the audience - they don't have a clue what they want. Give them what you know they will buy because radio will play it over and over until they mindlessly open iTunes and click the little 1.29 button. Secret: The customer is actually smart enough that they'd love to hear something that took you more than 15 minutes with 3 co-writers to shit out, but they don't need to know that. They are so numbed out by the daily grind and beaten down by a full schedule and worryin' about Obamacare that they don't even have time to worry about putting quality into their ears. Therefore, you as the songwriter don't have to worry about quality. Hell, if Luke Bryan can be a megastar, that whole "accounting for taste" thing is out the door with the Tuesday morning trash. All you need to concern yourself with, cracka, is writing a song about what goes on away from the office, as long as it is something positive. Like sex, driving around, drinking a beer, watching some football or lighting a big-ass bonfire in close proximity to some trucks. Maybe throw in a beat that slightly resembles that dopey rap song that topped the charts in 1992. Honkies love to be reminded of "Rump Shaker" while they're drinking cheap beer by their chimenea in the backyard or stuck on I-20 West with 3 minutes to get to work. Don't worry about art or expressing yourself. Just give the dumbass radio listener something to nod their head to while they drive to the cubicle and you will rule the charts, son. 

*Not actually written by John Rich.

Country TwitterFAIL: July '13

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #66

When she's co-writing a song, Taylor Swift starts off the session with a little girl talk. You know, gossiping about shit, complaining about this week's famous boyfriend and stuff like that. Well, you can take that bit of trivia nobody really cares about and translate it to your co-writing. And yeah, co-writing, because if you're gonna be anybody in Nashville you can't do it sitting in your apartment with your wiener in one hand and a writing pad in the other. 

When I meet up with my writing buddies, I break out the scotch, porno mags and cigars to break the ice. That way, they're all chilled out and won't get butthurt when I shoot down their stupid ideas. A little guy talk can start things off too. You know, sports, Kate Upton's boobs, sports, hamburgers, sports... Then maybe they'll start picking the guitar a little and singing a line that's been stuck in their head all day. I pour 'em a little more drinky-drink and change the subject for a minute. That's when I whip my thing out. ...My song I already wrote before they got there, what did you think I meant? I'll play 'em the song, which is generally about 40-year-olds doing 20-year-old activities or some kind of weepy song about Jesus saving a hooker or some shit. They like it and attempt to change a couple of lines. I take out my collection of authentic ninja stars and remark how accurate I am inside 15 feet. They decide the song is perfect as is. I let them change one word and then add their name to the song, because usually they have a better reputation around town or haven't burned the ever-lovin' shit out of a bridge I want the song to cross. There you have it. Paydirt mofos!

Looking back at this particular songwriting tip, I'm not sure how it applies to you, the wet-behind-the-ears Starbucks barista who can't write his or her way out of the paper sack your forty ounce supper came in, but I'm sure there's some bit of knowledge you can glean. Chin up bro!

*Not actually written by John Rich

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #65

I've already told you before that me and my boy Big Kenny were the originators and the innovators of hick-hop along with our big black cowboy compadre, Mr. Cowboy Troy. What you may not know, as a white-bread honky from whatever shit town you came to Nashvegas from, is how to write a hick-hop song. Big & Rich were before their time getting crunk son, so I know how to make them Benjies, yo. Get on this new trend and make that bankroll while it's hot, dawg! What you do is to tune in to the urban station for at least an hour a day. Pick up some slang and some swagga for your lyrics. Next, you get yourself a black friend. Maybe you could meet one at the Starbucks and be like "'Sup homey, you wanna chill?" As you converse with your new bro, listen to his or her cadence and how they put phrases together. Ask them about their culture and home life and act interested so you can gain their trust. Maybe even say something like "Hey bru-main, if you was to talk about a girl wearing cut-offs in a pickup truck in a field, how would you say it?" This is a sneaky way to get them to write lyrics for you... just make sure to have the voice recorder going on your phone when you do this research. Next up is actually writing the song. Get yourself some dank ganja and blaze up a spliff. Pour you a glass of Courvoisier and kick back in your full leather recliner with a generic beat track you stole off the internet playing on your iPad and get to laying down 16 bars! It really is that easy. Between the verses, make sure to place a catchy chorus with rearranged lyrics from a Florida-Georgia Line song and BAM. Next thing you know, you'll be the baddest cracka in the gated community! Put some extra 'Ohs' in yo bank account, kid. MAKE IT RAIN ON DEM COUNTRY HOEZ!!!!

*Not actually written by John Rich

Big & Rich Face the Truth

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #64

Think outside the box. Write from your own unique perspective. Tell an old story in a new way. This is advice losers give aspiring songwriters. Does anybody who followed those guidelines have a top 10 hit under their belt (or a big swinging tallywacker under their belt)? Hell no. Do any of those p***ies have a house the size of a community college? Do they have an elevator in their home with a full bar? Do they have f**kin' spotlights shining their glory upon the Nashville skyline? The answer again is hell no. So who are you going to listen to? Somebody who had a #34 hit in 1996 and now makes a living doing songwriter conferences or teaching creative writing has no business telling you how to bank them John Rich dollaz, homey. At Mt. Richmore, we do it big. We do it right. We research the Billboard charts and find the common threads that make the morons call their local station and request the latest "my by-God truck has tires bigger than your mama's beer gut" song. Screw originality. And I don't mean make sweet country lovin' to it, I mean, bend it over and give it to originality hard with no KY. You do for you and if you're like me, doing for you is doing for them big face bills. So in summary, think inside the box, write with the zombie masses in mind and tell old stories the same old damn way. Just throw in a few different truck accessories that weren't mentioned on the last top 10 Florida-Georgia Line smash. If you want to be an artist, move to San Francisco and decorate interiors or whatever those people do when they're not tearing down America. America was built on the backs of stupid people and a fool and his money are soon giving that money to me. Believe that, homeslice.

*Not actually written by John Rich.

John Rich and Charlie Daniels memes

Why yes, I am lazy today...

John Rich Political Ad

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #63

If you're writing a serious song to make people think, think your ass again. Country radio does not have "thinkers" as a target audience. If you're writing a serious song that pretends to make people think, I've got some advice for you. Throw in some depressing crap about the world and the recession or whatever and bazinga! I mean, I'm not personally affected by this terrible economy that is entirely the fault of Barack Hussein Obama, but I know that most of you little people are. Well, I did have to raise the price on drinks at my bar for ugly chicks but I ate the cost on the hotties. Anyway, back to the song. Relate to your audience and then present them with a solution. JESUS! You don't have to explain any further, just say Jesus is the answer! Sad song turned all around with the glory of the Lord. If it's a sad love song, make sure you say it was the dude's fault that things went wrong, even though we know that's never true. Women are evil, but they hold the purse-strings for most pansy-ass fellas so you gotta make 'em think they're always right. I keep mine in line by laying down pipe in the sack like a champ. The hillbilly Jedi givin' her the force if you know what I'm saying. Stop thinking about me naked and go write a damn song!
*Not actually written by John Rich

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #62

Sometimes if you need a little inspiration to write a rockin' new country song and you're just too drunk to put any thoughts in order, look outside of yourself. Watch a movie. I find a good porno takes the edge off to get me in the mood for making a masterpiece. You can also find lines and ideas on the mental level of the typical country listener in the script of a skin flick. Listen to music. I put on some Nickelback or Creed or Godsmack or Skid Row and do a little headbanging. That knocks a little dust off the old melon and gets my creative juices flowing. Also, these artists have songs that you can just insert the word "truck" into and turn down the guitars a tad and have yourself a top 10 in no time! Read books. Ha ha ha. That one was a joke. Only goobersmooches read books. Maybe flip through a Hustler while you're pinching a loaf and you might find some ideas for a romantic Luke Bryan hit. Now, what the f**k are you waiting on? I just let you peek behind the curtain and see how I stack them Benjies. Get to work, buttwads. 

*Not actually written by John Rich.

Republican Parody Album Covers

In honor of the 2012 Republican National Convention, here are

a few parody album covers of Republican artists.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #61

Don't worry about writing a country song. Just write a damn song! If it has at least one memorable melody in it, a catchy title and 5-7 relatable images - you're freaking gold, baby! "Country music" means the music of America, not the music of rural America. That whole authenticity requirement was outmoded years ago along with flip phones, VCR's and morality. So, listen to rap, pop, folk (just kidding! folk is for liberals!), jazz (just kidding! people only pretend to like jazz), rock and metal for your inspiration. Don't bother with listening to country music before 1993. That stuff is lame. I mean, sure, put the names of a few singers from pre-93 in there, but you don't have to actually like their music. Remember what I said about authenticity? LOLZ, authenticity is for collectible plates, baseball cards and autographed porn star panties. I only worry about being an authentic Honky Pimp Shaft. Flip the radio over to the Urban Jamz station. Hear that? That's what half of Nashville will be doing in 9 months, so hop on tha train before yo ass get left at da station! Now, flip over to the active rock station. That's what the other half of Nashville will be doing in 9 months. So crank up the amps, hate your parents and grow a goatee or be so two-thousand late. Your homey John Rich is always at the forefront of innovation, homogenization, sweet money makin', inebriation and sexual relations so get with the mack. Who you gonna listen to? Barbara Cloyd or me? That's what I thought. Peace out.

*Not actually written by John Rich.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #60

When you're writing a hit country song, you should appeal to all the senses. That would seem like common sense, but most songwriters don't have the common sense to know I need a bottle of ketchup when they bring my Denny's order. You should be able to use all 5 senses, at least in your imagination, when you hear a song played 15 times a day.


Don't just tell me the beer is good. Let me taste that Coors piss-water rolling cold and smooth like a Rocky Mountain river down my hard-work-parched throat. Don't just say it's a big truck. Make me feel tiny and insignificant in the presence of the full body rebel flag wrap, 37" mud grappler tires and 6" lift. Have me hear the crickets chirping in the night woods while your speakers are blaring Waylon, Willie, Johnny, Hank and Skynyrd. I wanna check that girl in cutoffs for ticks with my bare damn hands! Let me smell exhaust, sweat and teenage desperation! 


Hell, even go for a sixth sense …just being able to predict you're gonna get some from that little country cutie in a few short minutes! Yeah buddy, I'm all jacked up now and I didn't even write the song… I just told your lazy ass how to! 


Now get to it before I do! That's a platinum selling single in the making right there, you jackoffs.




*Not actually written by John Rich

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #59

High concept writing is unwelcome around here, nerds. You say satire, I say pass me a Fat Tire. You say parody, I say Cledus T. Joke. Metaphors are as deep as I go and even those are pretty above-ground. Like "her booty is like a pair of watermelons" or "I'm drunk as a liberal come next election night." Don't bring me words like alliteration. Hell, if I didn't have autocorrect, I couldn't even spell it right. Onomotopeia? That just sounds homoerotic… and the Muppets already sang a song about that anyway. Keep it simple for the stupids. The average radio country fan thinks "assonance" is what happens when you sit on an ant bed naked. Simile? A typical soccer mom thinks that means "putting a bike together." Figures of speech? That's what you goobers can use on the Twitter to impress your fellow basement dwellers. If you want to use all the skills you learned in creative writing at the community college, start a blog. If you wanna make that dolla dolla bill y'all, do what I do. So in summary, just tell a damn story or list some crap about living in a small town or loving America. Slap a clever hook on it and a couple of lines that sound like they took longer than a minute to come up with… and you've got a hit. This ain't rocket surgery, bitches.

*Not actually written by John Rich.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #58

When you're looking for inspiration to write a great country song, it's not hard to find. I look to a specific era of music bygone to enliven my creative spirit. It was a simpler time that all of us Nashville writers are trying to relive every day - 1988. It was a place where dreams were bought and sold, lived and lost - the Sunset Strip. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about dammit! Aquanet, spandex and groupies (that's my favorite part)…those were the glory days of music! Just turn on your radio, if you don't believe me. All us 33-45 year olds are remembering our lush mullets and ripped jeans as we write these country rockers and power ballads. If my creative tank is dry, just pull up the Crue on the iTunes and do what they did. Hell, it got them ugly f*ckers leg, it's gotta work for me, your Music Row Mackdaddy!  I've even got a template set up, like Mad Libs. Just take, say "Girls, Girls, Girls," dial down the riffs a little, drop in your lyrics about making love in the bed of a Dodge, weave a minute amount of fiddle through the proceeding and VOILA bitches! You've got you a top 10 country hit that will make me a million, but nobody will remember by next month. That's how we do. So build up that collection of Faster Pussycat, Skid Row, GnR, Kix and Britny Fox and you can be a hit Nashville songwriter too!






*Not actually written by John Rich.

Country TwitterFAIL March '12

Lots of foul language on this edition...