John Rich's Songwriting Tips #57

Today, like an NBA team tells Kim Kardashian, I've got a few tips for you.

1. Always have a notebook with your or make sure your smart phone has a note app. That way you can always write lists and lists of country things throughout your day. It's also handy for picking up them digits from the lovely ladies.

2. Let people critique your work. I don't have to do that, you understand, but you do. Put your songs or lyrics on message boards or whatever you little people do. If somebody doesn't like your work, curse them out and question their songwriting resume. Do they have FOUR F*CKIN' NUMBER ONE SONGS to their credit? I thought not!

3. Organize your ideas. Make sure not to get your drinking song lyrics mixed up with your mixed drink recipes and whatnot. Keep your booty-shaking song lyrics out of your sexual tryst diary. Be like a good bra, and keep 'em separated!

4. Don't feel bad throwing out your bad ideas. I'm not familiar with the concept of coming up with a bad idea for a song, but you probably are. Personally, I'm more of a mind to throw every thought that pops into my head against the wall and see what sticks like a booger. But my boogers are gold... gold baby!



*Not actually written by John Rich

Waylon Jennings: The Music Inside Volume III - tracklisting revealed

(Click for a closer view)

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #56

A little rhyming advice for you peeps this morning. In country music, rhyme is relative. Never worry with coming up with an actual strong line to follow another good line, just make sure they rhyme no matter how you have to mangle the English language. Hell, make up your own accent and pronounce the word like a drunk redneck with a lisp who's been hanging around his friends from Boston too much. Whatever works, boss. For example, if your important line is "she was drinking a beer with those cut-offs on," you can make sure it rhymes with this line: "her tan legs reflectin' on my jacked up Ford," if you sing "on" like "awwwn" and then pronounce "Ford" like an old plantation owner… like so: "fawwd." See, it's just that easy. Nobody will even notice. Nobody gives a damn, quite frankly. Near-rhyme, schmear-rhyme… you can rhyme anything if you're plastered enough when you write the song. One time I heard Alan Jackson rhyme "cell phone" with "carburetor." And it worked! If he doesn't give a shit, why should I? This ain't no Romper Room or nursery rhyme time, be a damn grown-up and use a little ingenuity. Show me a man who's ever once used a rhyming dictionary while he was writing a song, and I'll show you a man who's bussing tables at the IHOP to finance his crappy demo CD. Truth. Live it, love it or just bite me.

*not actually written by John Rich.

Senseless Censorship X

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #55

Hey y'all. It's been a while huh. Well, I've got a little time here in the airport, so I thought I'd crap out a new songwriting tip for you. If you're a world traveler like Mr. Big Bad Too-Drunk-to-Fly here, you may wonder where in the hell you can find time to write your latest hit that sounds like everybody else's but with the words arranged differently. Well, airport bars are a f**king wonderful place to jot down sh*t on napkins while you hit on stewardesses and college girls. I just wrote this about an hour ago: "Hot little number from Arizona State/headin' home for holiday break/I'd like to take her in the lavatory/Give 'er a mile high ride on 'old glory'." Hell yeah, there's a patriotic anthem bitches! You never know when a brilliant idea like that might pop into your head. Huh huh, I said head. Man, the mixed drinks at airport bars are strong as a mother. I ain't drunk though, dumb ass stewardess and pilot. That's the last time I fly Southwest…oversensitive f*cks. Where was I? Oh yeah, you can write while you're waiting in the terminal too… I like to just pretend to write mostly, so people won't ask for my autograph or take pictures with me. Get that sh*t out of here, you can buy my autograph on E-bay like all the other peasants. Well, my limo from Nashville should be here in 12 hours or so, so I gotta get a little more drinking in before then. Later, turdburglars.

*not actually written by John Rich

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #54

Teabagger, I mean, mailbagger Kevin in Cincy writes: John, at what age did you realize country songwriting was the only possible career outlet for you?

Well Kev, I got my first guitar when I was four and wrote a song about the hot six year old next door that very day. Hold up! I think you were inferring that maybe I don't have any other bankable skills. Bitch please! I could have been a porn star, I got the 'stache and the "stash" if you know what I mean. I could have been in the UFC if they allowed weapons. I'm mean with the metal pipe. Those are only two of my many skills. Get off my crotch.

*Not actually written by John Rich

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #53

Be nice to people with lesser talent or fame than you. At least come up with polite ways to say "get the hell away from me." Some guy called last week and asked if he could write with me. I told him, "Man, I love your work (lie), but I'm so swamped with these new EP releases this new Big & Rich Tour that I don't have the time right now (kinda true)… I'll keep your number in my phone (lie) and get back to you in a month or six (doubtful)." I think he said his name was Josh Grinder… or something like that, from Texas. You get the point. There's no reason to belittle associates; just baffle them with bullsh*t. Put that in your crack pipe and smoke it. Out!

*Not Actually Written By John Rich

Snap Judgments: Promo Only Country Radio June 2011

Snap Judgments: Promo Only Country Radio June 2011

Extremely mixed bag this time out. Lots of good, lots of garbage, interspersed with the usual middle of the road. (Click song titles to listen)

Blake Shelton - Honey Bee

My first thought is "phoning it in." This is a catchy song, but it's such an easy release… no risk involved whatsoever. Sure Blake sounds good and the song is catchy, but there's not much "there" there. It's cheerful, radio-friendly and requires little attention. On top of that, it's mostly just a list of things that go together as a comparison to a relationship. Not bad, but at this point, I expect a lot more from Blake - at least as the first single from a new album anyway.

C

Trace Adkins - Just Fishin'

Following his usual pattern of "crap song-good song-crap song-good song," Trace delivers another strong release. It's well-intentioned and follows through on that message with a solid delivery. Trace just kills these "family is everything" songs. Good stuff.

A-

Luke Bryan - Country Girl (Shake it for Me)

Not good at all. Luke was poised to jump to the A-list… and probably still is, commercially, but this is just a bad, bad song. I like Luke and think he's got a ton of potential in the neo-traditional realm, but this is a flat-out laughable track. On the bright side, it's ripe for plenty of comedy material.

F

Stealing Angels - Paper Heart

Nice melody, fairly memorable song. Vocals are a little thin, but this isn't too bad overall.

C+

Brantley Gilbert - Country Must Be Country Wide

Disclaimer: I'm not a fan of this guy (or any of his compadres, but we'll get into that later). I think he's just Jason Aldean redux, and this song does nothing to refute that opinion. Lots of name-dropping, lots of rock riffs, lots of attitude. Nothing more. Some of his slower songs I've heard prove him to be more than a one-trick pony, but this isn't very good.

C-

Dierks Bentley - Am I the Only One

Another big talent kinda phoning it in, but at least this one's more fun. Just another light-hearted summer country partyin' song, but Dierks sounds into it enough to make me take notice. It's also populated with interesting details and characters, so it stands out to some degree.

B

Jason Aldean - Dirt Road Anthem

I told you he'd release this. I never had a doubt. 90% of my brain hates this so bad. It's a rap song, for those of you not in the know. He sings the chorus, but it's a rap song. And he drinks and drives in it. Not a very responsible message. Confession: 10% of my brain thinks this is very catchy and nearly a guilty pleasure. The 90% wins, however.

C-

Jaron and the Long Road to Love - It's a Good Thing

Jaron has been trying in vain to repeat the success of his '10 hit, uh, whatever it was called - that spiteful one about flower pots falling on his ex's head. This is like his 4th single since then, to no avail. It's not country, piano pop really. Jaron sounds good though. Way catchier than anything Jimmy Wayne's put out lately. Still, not a hit. Just not substantial enough for repeated play.

C

Reba - When Love Gets a Hold of You

Shouldn't that be "When Love Gets Aholta You" for the country market? This isn't bad, but feels a little thin. The melody just doesn't have enough highs and lows to keep my interest. Reba sounds great, as always, but this tune isn't up to her level. It sounds like a hit though.

C+

Jake Owen - Barefoot Blue Jean Night

Way better than I expected. It's a simple pop-rock summer anthem, but it's a helluva earworm. I should probably hate this but I don't… it just has a certain "it" factor I can't explain. Big hit.

B

Billy Currington - Love Done Gone

As happy of a sad song as you're gonna hear, "Love Done Gone" would be craptacular at the hands of a lesser vocalist, but Billy is not a lesser vocalist. The opening "babadabadaba's" nearly turned me off in the first place, but I stood strong and Billy hit a homerun with this release. I have a soft spot for bittersweet tunes like this. It's poppy, catchy and well-performed. A winning single.

B+

Margaret Durante - Maybe Tonight

Meh. Not catchy, not that well sung. Nothing to see here.

D

Rodney Atkins - Take a Back Road

Looks like my predictions that Rodney's 15 minutes were up were incorrect. He milked that last album with the sh*tty "Farmer's Daughter" tack-on-hit into some staying power, and follows that up with a surprisingly good new single. It follows his usual schtick, but without any of the shockingly embarrassing lyrics he usually drops in. There's a name-drop, but it's on-point with the song's theme, so no negative points for it. Unsurprisingly, a tractor is mentioned. I think he has a one-tractor-mention-per-song quota in his contract. Anyway, not a bad song at all.

B-

Jason Michael Carroll - Numbers

Cracker Barrel's newest employee delivers his first single for that label here, to not-so-great results. JMC's got a killer baritone, but he sounds way too stilted and karaoke-ish here. Also, the "numbers" theme gets tired out within the first two lines and it doesn't quit. This sounds like a too-clever lyric written by a lyric-critique message board regular (i.e. something I'd have written 5-6 years ago), and just isn't up to snuff with the market. Overkill in the thematic department too. Rewrite.

D

Randy Houser - In God's Time

Devastatingly good. Repeating myself: in the hands of a lesser vocalist, this might be overwrought and come off as way too schlocky… but Randy is not a lesser vocalist. In fact, he has, bar-none, the best voice in modern country music and he just kills in this song. If you don't listen to this with the ear of a jaded, better-taste-than-thou music snob, it's a near masterpiece. Here's hoping this guy finally gets his due.

A+

Sunny Sweeney - Staying's Worse than Leaving

Love this chick and this is my favorite track off her recent EP. It's kinda throwback in its theme - sounds very 90's in that aspect - but it's modern sounding. She's in great voice and this is a very solid tune. I'm so tired of happyhappyjoyjoy radio - we need more songs like this on Clearchannel.

A-

John Rich - For the Kids (warning: this vid's a tearjerker)

You know me - I want this guy to be FTM fodder for years to come - but he seems to possibly be maturing in more ways than one. His Celebrity Apprentice appearance actually had me rooting for him - on the show and in his life, that he'll overcome the reputation he's lived down to for years. Honestly, this is not a song I'll listen to multiple times, but for what it is (an anthem for the St. Jude's Childrens Hospital), it's excellent. John sounds better than he usually does on slower songs, and this isn't bad overall. I'll average out my personal feelings and my critical perspective and give this a:

B

Danielle Car - Pretty Please

Thin, poorly produced. Catchy though. Pretty good mix of country and rock with a little attitude mixed in. The lyrics are middling, but in parts, memorable. That all adds up to a:

C

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #52

Be fake. Hell, y'all saw me on Celebrity Apprentice being all polite and thoughtful and mature… lolz, fooled ya ass big time. I'm the champ, cheesed*cks! Anyhow, some say you have to write what you've lived. Bullsh*t! I ain't been poor since I was a kid, but some nights when I run out of cash and can't find my Amex Black card and the nearest ATM is too far to stumble to… well, I kinda know what being poor is like then. I ain't ever been dumped but I can imagine what that must feel like to poor limprods like you. Use your imagination …and I don't mean for thinking about the MILF down the street with the Lexus SUV who you'd like to have lick frosting off your…. never mind. Like they say in the classic Caddyshack, be the ball. If I only wrote about what I know, you'd think I was a rapper… bling bling bling bitchez!

*Not actually written by John Rich

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #51

I've come up with a groundbreaking concept to save songwriters valuable space in their "how country I am" songs for more redneck imagery. Instead of mentioning Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings, Merle (does he even have a last name?) and that other guy individually by name, one can simply say "The Highwaymen." I just learned of this 80's and 90's supergroup/time-saving-wonder recently. This is unfortunate because it would have left more room in my earlier rural anthems for extra lines about bench seats and loving America. From this point forward, "The Highwaymen" will be the standard for namedropping. You're welcome, underlings. Now excuse me while I whip this thing out.

*Not actually written by John Rich.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #50

For my 50th nugget of wisdom, I'm gonna get as real as it gets with you, my peeps. If you're not writing with, as Snoop dee-oh-double-gee says, "my mind on my money and my money on my mind," you might as well crap in one hand and wish in the other and see which one fills up first. There's a process to this craft, a formula if you will. I don't sit down with pen and guitar in hand and think "Where will my feelings lead me today?" Hell naw, I think "What's in it for me?" The day I start worrying about the art of songwriting is the day I slice off my testicles with a dull letter opener and start collecting Hummel figurines. You think I write this junk because I enjoy it? Nah, homie, I write it because it stocks the bar with Goose. Peace y'all.

*Not actually written by John Rich

Country Koozies

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #49

Sizzle baby sizzle. If you have problems writing songs with depth, gravity or lasting significance, at least have the good sense to slap in as many puns, hip phrases and well-known axioms as humanly possible. If you can't do any of those things either, find yourself a duo of attractive females who appeal to the prime demographic and have them sing whatever crappy pop-country song you pull from your creativity-barren soul and foist them upon the unwitting public with a flashy video and well planned promotional campaign. Street teams are also helpful. In no time at all, these seeds should reap you a harvest of radio adds. Take it from Rich, even if you've got a Vienna sausage, if you talk it up enough, people will think it's a 2-foot kielbasa. Wisdom from the man who's slung it.

*Not actually written by John Rich.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #48

Modern country songs are best written in comfort. In the old days, Hank Williams had a damn sawhorse with a board across it as a desk and his hot-ass backyard as an office. Simple surroundings = simple songs. Rich don't play dat. I set up shop in my plush personal writing space, complete with leather recliner, 52 inch HD television with internet hookup, a cold glass of Goose and a stogey. That's where I come up with my best music. This ain't 1983 anymore; mama's got a badass SUV and she ain't listening to no "Honky Tonkin'" in there… she wants something hip and familiar. So get yourself comfy and please her. If you don't, trust me, this outlaw country mackdaddy will do what it do!

*Not actually written by John Rich

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #47

Imagery is very important part of country music songwriting. It's not enough to say you drive a tractor, you have to describe the sweet ass sound system you put in it and how cold the air conditioning is in that bad boy. It's not enough to say "she's so pretty." Tell us how firm her buttocks are, how her gazongas fill up her sweater, how her supple skin looks in the moonllight... uh. I gotta go take care of something. Just remember to give the listeners the details. The devil's in there, and so is the cold hard caaaaash.

*Not actually written by John Rich

10 Worst Country Singles of 2010

My first entry in this year's "best of" series is actually a "worst of." Here are what were, in my estimation, the most terrible country songs released as singles this year. They're in no particular order as I could not discern one piece of crap's artistic worth from another. Click the song titles to listen, if you dare.

George Strait - The Breath You Take

The King finally showed a crack in the armor. This terrible ballad with a downright "bad" melody featured Hallmark card lyrics and awful dirge-like verses.

Jason Aldean - Crazy Town

A throwaway album cut that somehow made it to the airwaves and even more astoundingly, made it to #3 #2 on the charts. Just goes to show that country radio listeners can't get enough of crap. It's not all the radio programmers' faults.

The Band Perry - Hip to My Heart

As far from country as one could hear on country radio this year, this bouncy, aggravating tune was a poor introduction to a band whose folksy "If I Die Young" nearly made up for the crappiness of this song. Sample lyrics: "I like your lips like I like my Coca-Cola / oh how it pops and fizzes"...really?

Rodney Atkins - Farmer's Daughter

Just as ham-fisted and unimaginative as nearly every Atkins single that came before and to top it off, this was a Hail Mary tag-on to an underperforming album to help it sell a few more copies. Weak.

Reba - Turn on the Radio

I hate "Fancy" …despise it. That said, I can respect the art of it. This, likely Reba's worst single to date, not so much. Reba drops knowledge about texting, Tweeting, Facebooking and sounds absurd doing it. It's not that she has to "act her age," she just needs to not be so obvious about trying to stay current, in sound and lyrical content. It just doesn't work for her.

Tim McGraw - Felt Good on My Lips

I really don't get the appeal of this song. It's not country, it's not that catchy, the chorus is just a bunch of stupid "ohh ohhh's" and my nine-year-old could write more engaging lyrics. Still, people continue to defend this song against the evils of someone who'd dare review it. Sure, opinions are like a-holes, but people THIS IS NOT A GOOD SONG - I bet Tim even hates it.

Aaron Lewis - Country Boy

Read here. Still haven't changed my mind.

LoCash Cowboys - Here Comes Summer

Sorry guys. FTM blog readers and winners/losers of 2009 Farcie Award for worst new group released this track to cash in on the coming of the warmer months to no avail. Putting "hotter" where there should have been a rhyme for "summer" was a major problem. The rest of the song not being any good was another.

Fast Ryde - Top Down

LoCash's main competition in the up-and-coming hip-hop-loving country group category, Fast Ryde upped the ante with autotuner for this listless summer anthem that nobody sang along to. At least LoCash's song tried a little.

John Rich - Country Done Come to Town

The King of Douchebags continued his run of terrible sans-Big Kenny song releases with this stupid "look how country I am" tune. Tip to Rich: Call Big. Write songs. Release trashy guilty pleasure album. Alone, you're just guilty (of putting out terrible music).

Dishonorable Mention:

Lady Antebellum - Our Kind of Love

It isn't that this song is all that terrible, just boring. It's pretty much a microcosm of what's wrong with country radio. Uninspired, middle-of-the-road, entirely inoffensive…. entirely pointless radio friendly song.

Country Christmas Cards: John Rich

FTM has been lucky enough to get on a few stars' mailing lists and we've acquired some holiday cards the stars are sending out this year. First up is John Rich.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #46

Today chil'ren, we gonna talk about rhyme. Sure, in some of those indie garbage genres, they don't even rhyme their lines but who listens to that crap besides sweatervest wearing pusswads? In real music, we rhyme. We rhyme love with above and heart with apart and we don't give a sh*t who's tired of the supposed clichés. Don't waste precious brain cells trying to come up with a unique rhyme, just go with the easy out, or stick an awkward line in there that was obviously just to fulfill the rhyme. Money talks, and my bank account backs up my bullsh*t. Now, I'm sorry we must be parted, but the bathroom calls 'cause I just farted.

*not actually written by John Rich

A Thanksgiving Top 10

Top Ten (Country Music-Related) Things I'm Thankful for this Year

10. That John Rich doesn't have my address

09. [facetious]That Kid Rock has come to save country music[/facetious]

08. That Jason Aldean put out a rap song I could make fun of for days on end

07. That the ever farce-worthy Chuck Wicks hasn't gone away ...yet

06. That Jimmy Wayne hasn't put out a new album

05. Kellie Pickler ...well, that's two things...

04. Sugarland: an unending source of comedy material

03. iTunes and sports talk radio, so I don't have to actually listen to country radio

02. That my daughter isn't old enough to have a Taylor Swift ringtone (or a phone for that matter)

01. That Jamey Johnson put out an album good enough to make up for all the other crap Nashville put out this year

Random Doppelganger

This isn't particularly music related other than John Douche Rich being in this photo with Gary Busey and Lil Jon (photo from their Celebrity Apprentice appearance). But wow, isn't Gary looking like financial advisor/host/author Suze Orman these days?