Sep 21, 2018
Carrie Underwood Fan Group Outed as Cult
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| Possible C.U.L.T. members attend a fan club event |
However, CULT leader Adam Porter, who asked that we refer to him as The Messenger, assured us that CULT is definitely not a cult. "I grow weary of the unenlightened misconstruing our mission here in Carrieton." he said, "We only wish to bring like-minded followers of The One into close contact that we may show our appreciation for her in harmony with one another." Despite The Messenger's denials of the commune's cult status, evidence suggests otherwise.
Multiple members of the group have been admitted to hospitals due to malnutrition and leg injuries. Dawn Sumpkins, a former member of CULT, reported strict but nutritionally suspect forced vegetarianism and mandatory leg exercises. "They wanted us only eating veggies like Carrie, but failed to provide any protein or the necessary variety of vitamins, so people were passing out every day." said Sumpkins, "And so we could have legs like Carrie, we had to do squats and leg extensions daily without rest days - I tore my ACL twice; it was ridiculous."
Another ex-CULT member related that when they weren't doing calf raises or meditation, they were required to spend 9 hours per day defending Carrie online. On condition of anonymity, the individual told us: "We were taught in daily scriptures that Carrie is without flaw, that her music is pure form of God as artwork, and that anyone who besmirched her was an infidel. We were to seek any criticism of her work on Twitter or other sites, and give our Holy Support to The One by raging politely against the infidels."
Authorities in the area, while concerned about the CULT complex, have yet to find any illegal activities taking place. Police have only been called to the collective's unofficial town once. Nearby campers thought they heard several women being tortured, but it turned out to be Carrie-oke (karaoke) night.
When reached for comment about C.U.L.T., Mrs. Underwood's management issued the following statement: "We are currently consulting legal counsel to direct us in gaining protections from and putting distance between Carrie and this passel of loonies."
Sep 20, 2018
Mr. Rogers Country Reaction Gifs
When you just got off Willie's bus
If you think country music evolved into whatever Thomas Rhett is, you're a:
Saturday night and the moon is out
I'm gonna head on over to the Twist & Shout
The entire crowd at a Parmalee concert
This train is bound for glory, this train...
If you're here for the memes and gifs and reviews and tolerate the wrestling humor...
Dancing to a mainstream country song like...
When your friend comes through with some John Moreland tickets
And finally, here's wishing all Kane Brown fans a wonderful day in the neighborhood!
Sep 19, 2018
Lucie Silvas Performs "My Old Habits"
I'm currently obsessed with this song. It's from her new album E.G.O.. RIYL: Bonnie Raitt, Chris Stapleton, Caitlyn Smith.
No Sleep Roundup: Misfits, Martha Spencer, Social D, etc.
By Robert Dean
What’s up, folks?
Today, I have had a stellar day. Rarely do my days kick major ass, but today, my Vans slip-on connected with just enough of the world’s cheek. So, because of that, I’m in a good mood. Why did I have such a good day?
A. I got tickets for the Misfits in Chicago. I’m a mega fanboy with a Crimson Ghost tattoo as most aging punk rockers do, and I am beyond thrilled to finally scream my lungs out to “Hybrid Moments” up close and personal.
B. I acquired a family heirloom: my grandmother’s 1951 Rockola jukebox that’s been fully restored. It’s as cool as you imagine it is. I lost my grandma to cancer at age 54 in 1996, so seeing the little tags for the songs in her handwriting, and knowing that she picked all of the vinyl blows my mind. Us music geeks love this stuff.
C. Got a new puppy. Her name is Mia Wallace, and she’s cute as fuck.
As for the usual, let’s get into it.
Martha Spencer has a new S/T record dropping. The tracks are backwoods, traditionalist country that you’d expect from a gal that hails from deep in Appalachia. It’s campy and fun, and worth checking out. Spencer has a vibe similar to the Carter Family. I dove into some of her projects, and she’s most definitely a product of a different era. She can play a wide variety of instruments, sing, and probably do 56 other things, too. Give her a spin if you’re looking for some honky tonkin’ tunes that are 100% stuff to get your two-step on, on a funky Friday night.
Wayne Graham has a newish record, Joy out, and it’s got all of the feels. If you’re a Ryan Adams or My Morning Jacket kind of person, this is right up your audio alley. The tunes on Joy feel like they’re from a mid-90’s obscure alt-country act, and that suits me just fine. The world needs more records that don’t feel like they’ve dabbled in a little too much Radiohead but instead stick to a few solid tunes that kick you straight in the ass.
If that description appeals to you, then you’ll eat this up, Joy is a collection of head bobbers that feel like they were the background music in a road movie where some guy screams alone in the rain after his girlfriend betrays him.
In live show news, if you get the chance to catch Social Distortion on this tour – DO IT. The boys are out on the road, and killing cities left and right. My man in New Orleans said they smoked tonight, and last week in Austin, they were relentless. If you’re a deep cut, hardcore Social Distortion geek like I am, you’ll be enthralled. No S/T songs.
Instead of “Ball and Chain” or “Story of My Life,” you’ll get “Don’t Drag Me Down,” “Don’t Take Me For Granted,” “Angel’s Wings,” and are opening with “Reach For The Sky.” If that doesn’t set a tone, what does? Also, they’re playing a few new tunes, and “Born to Kill” is a smoker that rivals anything off “White Heat”, which is easily their heaviest record.
Tom Waits has a new song. It sounds like Tom Waits. I love it because I love depressing music.
Lana Del Rey has two new songs out. They sound like Lana Del Rey. I love it because, in my head, all of her music sounds like Hollywood murder scenes.
Yesterday, Amy Winehouse would have been 35, and that totally sucks. She was too good for this world. Alcohol is a hard mistress.
That’s it. Stay creepy.
7 New Alt-Country Parody Album Covers
Foul language below!
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| Pretty sure I might have already done this one before. So sue me. |
Sep 18, 2018
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