Jun 17, 2020
Top 10 Biggest Jerks in 2000s Country
Some would imagine that the fan-friendly, upbeat country music scene of 2000-2009 would not be as likely to contain divas and d-bags as the more recent country music diaspora. Some would be very, very wrong. Here are some of the genre's most egregious offenders.
10. Jo Dee Messina
Brings a Coke can into church so she has somewhere to spit her dip. Constantly brags about her Peloton.
9. Billy Currington
Once fought with an old guy about a boat wake or something. [edit: being told this actually happened]
Considers his duet with Shania Twain the highpoint of her career.
8. Sara Evans
At concerts, will only perform her biggest hits as spoken word. Made Trick Pony use a utility closet as a dressing room when they opened for her.
7. Brad Paisley
Working with legal team to get “dad jokes” copyrighted so he can sue everybody who uses the term. When people join his group text promotion, he sells their numbers to escort services.
6. Dierks Bentley
Publicly and profanely humiliates anyone who misspells his name. Eats Taco Bell on his bus. Uses the bathroom on his band’s bus.
5. Phil Vassar
Plays “Bobbi with an I” as his encore at concerts. Avoids eye contact with anyone shorter than him. Has an album of Drake covers coming out soon.
4. Cyndi Thomson
Bogarts the joint. “I Crossfit” is her entire Facebook bio. Won’t use the zipper merge in traffic.
3. Steve Holy
Cheats at foosball. Won’t flush a floater. Performs Tekashi 6ix9ine songs on Tik Tok.
2. Mark Wills
Covers a Wheeler Walker Jr. song when he sees there are lots of kids at his concert. Still does the “flaming bag of shit” prank on neighbors despite being in his 40s. Has long conversations in front of what you need at Walmart.
1. John Rich
Wait, who authorized putting an actual jerk on here?
Jun 16, 2020
Austin Loses More Music Venues, What's Next?
By Robert Dean
Thanks to the pandemic, the Red River District has lost three more live music venues. Barracuda, or “Barry’s” to the faithful, closed its doors, same with DJ spot Plush, and the hip-hop room, Scratchhouse. Sidewinder sits vacant, so does the old Emo’s, as well as the former Headhunters. And Beerland, after a murky deed transfer, it’s anyone’s guess what the little room becomes.
Red River is a unifying theme of Austin. It’s got weirdos hanging on street corners, Elysium throbs with goth anthems, and Hoboken pizza slings pies for all of those with bleary eyes after having too good of a time at Better Days. Is this magical mixture of punk rock, country, hip-hop, and everything else going away? It’s one of the things that make this city hum – or twang.
The words, “the time has come for Barracuda Club to bid adieu,” it hit home. Barracuda was laid back, the staff was always down to help, and they booked good shows. Everyone knew the routine: pre-game at Sidebar, walk over to Barracuda for rock and roll city.
Every DJ in town knows that Plush is where you build a name. For twenty years, it held down its address next to Swan Dive at Red River and 7th, and now, another one bites the dust. According to a Facebook post back in May, it was a “combination of ever raising prices and new regulations,” which is an all-too-familiar story. Scratchhouse also cited rising rents as the reason for closing its doors. Plush plans on re-opening somewhere else, but who knows how long that will take in this market.
Where are our leaders who love to be martyrs for everything that sucks about Austin when we need them? The tourists might think of 6th as the musical heart, but we all know it’s Red River’s little five-block district.
In May, district leaders proposed getting the city to commit $35M to purchase venue properties to mitigate closures via the federal Coronavirus Aid, Relief and Economic Security (CARES) Act. Austin got $170.8 million; you’d think allocating some of that to the very thing that draws people into town would be a priority. Instead, Austin is complicit in letting culture die because all we need is more places for overpriced sushi or a quiet yoga center.
This begs the logical question to ask: who’s next? Could we lose Valhalla? Is Cheer up Charlie’s ok? Is Mohawk on the chopping block? There aren’t many venues left in our so-called “music district,” a massive piece of Austin, an area that defines the “Live Music Capital of The World” moniker, despite everything seeming to go in the complete opposite direction. The city loves to brag about the “cultural district” so much, it’s got a whole page on its official website. But where’s the support? Are we actually about supporting music, or does it just look good on a t-shirt at the airport?
The bosses on Red River pleaded. They need the cash – to the tune of $40K a month until the business can get back to normal. The city approved grants for working musicians, but without places to play, it’s a moot point, isn’t it? No matter where you look, live music hasn’t been considered as a means for support. What district reps wanted was the city to buy buildings to fight skyrocketing rents and yuppie redevelopment projects who complain about noise and bbq smoke. We’re pushing our venues out of downtown and off into the far-flung reaches. That’s problematic. If this city is going to hang its Stetson on live music is our lifeblood, then back it up. Our local businesses need support. And that proposal? It fell on deaf ears, like always. You lose the music, and we’re on our way to becoming Dallas.
Jun 15, 2020
Borrowed Memes: Ricky Skaggs, Pop Country, George Jones
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| (don't know who made this one) |
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| From Vinyl Ranch |
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| Think I'll Just Stay Here and Meme |
Jun 14, 2020
Jun 13, 2020
Archives: Douchenbach, Georgia
ORIGINALLY POSTED JUN 24, 2014
Douchenbach, Georgia
(Lyric Parody of Waylon & Willie's "Luckenbach, TX")
The only two things in life that make it worth livin'
Is DJs that drop bass and ass shakin' women
I just need my name on a tatt that's tight
I bust my rhymes so you'll go down on me tonight
Maybe it's time we got this Chevy stuck in the mud
Let's go to Douchenbach, Georgia
With Aldean and Brantley and the dudes
Get these Rockford Fosgates kickin'
We'll be crankin' up the Fiddy and Ja Rule
Between Hank Junior's boozin' and
FGL's Cruisin' and Juvy backin' that thang up
Out in Douchenbach, Georgia everybody's raisin' they cups
So baby let's buy some wallet chains
Square toed boots and shiny jeans and go away
This mowing yards has got to stop
And working at your beauty shop, you cry all day
We've been so busy living home with our moms
They won't let us smoke and throw out our beer bongs
Maybe it's time we got this Chevy stuck in the mud
Let's go to Douchenbach, Georgia
With Colt Ford, Cole Swindell and the bros
Get these Rockford Fosgates kickin'
We'll be crankin' up some Chingy and some J-Kwon tho'
Between Snoop Doggy's tokin' and
Limp Bizkit Rollin' and Toby Keith kickin' some ass
Out in Douchenbach, Georgia everybody's raisin' they glass
Let's go to Douchenbach, Georgia
With Luke Bryan, Sam Hunt and the dudes
Get these Rockford Fosgates kickin'
We'll be crankin' up the Fiddy and Ja Rule
Between Hank Junior's boozin' and
FGL's Cruisin' and Juvy backin' that thang up
Out in Douchenbach, Georgia everybody's raisin' they cups
Jun 12, 2020
Antifa Coming to Your House to Make You Listen to Kane Brown
Reports from NewsPunisher.org indicate that the loosely organized progressive activist group Antifa is bored with ‘destroying American cities’ and is determined to spread their message to “racist suburban country fans.”
According to News Punisher, Antifa President Don T. Exiss stated: “We at Antifa hate the comfort and antipathy of suburban America, so we’re coming for you! Tonight we say “f*** the city” and we move to the residential areas… the white hoods (and I mean that as in all white people who live in the suburbs and enjoy country music are Klan members, periodt)… and we take what’s ours!”
Source Karen Sellers of Bethesda, Maryland, says a busload of Antifa members checked into hotels in the area two days ago and have devious plans in mind. “I heard from a friend of mine that Antifa is coming to each of our houses personally to force us to listen to (country star) Kane Brown, and if we don’t become fans, they’ll burn our homes down! I’m locked and loaded, so I ain’t worried. I just love my Hank Jr. and Charlie Daniels and that’s it! MAGA!” said Sellers.
When asked why they plan to inflict Kane Brown in particular upon the comfy conservatives, Exiss told us: “We could play Darius Rucker or Charley Pride, but even racists enjoy them, so we’ll be accomplishing the two-pronged goal of promoting a country artist who is a person of color, and also making the Repubs uncomfortable, because frankly, even we don’t like Kane’s music.”
Lee “SDE” Fockerson of Benton, AR was huddled in his foyer cradling a shoulder fired rocket launcher at press time.
Jun 11, 2020
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