Showing posts with label Michael Ray. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Michael Ray. Show all posts

Aug 27, 2015

Kristofferson vs Michael Ray Meme

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Michael Ray - Real Men Love Jesus

This is the same fella who sings about kissing a girl in the morning, right? And that implies that he spent the night with her. And now he's singing "Real Men Love Jesus?" Naw, homey don't play dat!

I'm not saying it's not possible to put your pecker in every floozie that shakes her buttocks on the club floor and still love the Father's Son, but I feel dirty for even having written those words, so clearly something isn't right. Hypocrisy is what's not right. This pretty boy is selling two worlds here.

I mean, nearly every country singer tells us of getting drunk as Toby Brown on Saturday night (Toby Brown is our local drunk), and praying for forgiveness on Sunday morning, but Michael Ray takes it even further. This song says "real men" have to love Jesus, but also "women"… as in more than one. Yes, I believe he is promoting threesomes and intercourse orgies in the very first line of a song purportedly about our Lord and Savior!!! Away from me Satan! Away!!

Later on, this sinner says real men love cold beer. Michael Ray, are you telling me I am not a real man? I do not engage in the imbibing of the Devil's urine! I'm not a man? Do I not have a penis and testicles? Have I not helped create three human beings who have succeeded as human beings at varying levels? I love my wife. I love my dearly departed mama. I can leg press more than Pat Robertson. I'M A MAN!

One final thing I will say about this foul and tricky song. It is a Trojan Horse of sin! Young Christian kids will hear the name Jesus and then think everything else in the song must be okay too. Nothing else in the song is about the Lord! That's like naming a song "Johnny Cash" and then having nothing in the song about Johnny Cash. Who would do that???

This is the most egregious and clever of the Devil's ploys. Michael Ray is a handsome young fellow who will appeal to the ladyfolks and the other young males will think "he is cool, I wish that I could be like Michael Ray and drink beer and stick my wiener in many skanks too!"

One more thing I don't get and must be of dark magical origins. This young man was a child in the 1990s yet he has tattoos that were popular in the 1990s (I know because my wayward 35 year old son has one of these "tribal tatts" on his ankle - he is not permitted to wear shorts in my home anymore). What up with that? Did his parents let him get "inked up" for his 8th birthday?

In closing, I say to thee: Flee from this song, this man, and this evil message! Amen!


May 14, 2015

3 Up 3 Down: May '15

3 Up

Tim McGraw - Diamond Rings and Old Barstools
McGraw continues his hot streak of great country songs that are actually country with "Diamond Rings and Old Barstools." Whether it was the failure of his attempts at bro-relevancy a couple years back or an honest journey back to rootsy authentic (for this day) country that led him to this point, I don't care - the results are what matter, and this is a killer tune. A smoky atmosphere, throwback imagery, twang, great harmonies from Catherine Dunn, and a classic honky-tonk ballad sound blend this into a modern-day gem. Sure, Tim will have to throw some party songs or "I'm southern" anthems back into the mix at some point to keep his slot on radio, but for now, I'm enjoying the hell out of this era.

Mickey Guyton - Better Than You Left Me
A bright new light on the scene, Guyton has been compared to Carrie Underwood's  big-voiced pop-country stylings. It's a fair reference, but Mickey may be more appealing to those like me who prefer traditional leanings, because she's got a bit more grit in her throat. She must also have some strong gumption, leading off with a bittersweet single that never mentions going out at night nor loving dude-bros nor wishing to judge her worth on the whims of a man. It's a strong, uplifting song that though pop-country, doles out just as much of the latter part of that genre name as the former. I'm excited to see where she goes from here.

Little Big Town - Girl Crush
Even if I didn't like this song, I'd probably force myself to like it just for the effect it has/had on people who: 1)don't listen to lyrics 2)don't understand lyrics 3)just want an excuse to type the word "lezbo" on Twitter or Facebook. "Girl Crush" is just the sort of smartly-written, organic-sounding song radio needs in an era of slackjaws singing the virtues of mud on $50k trucks and banging country girls by a bonfire. The vocal performance is stunning, even more so live. It's a bit too safe-sounding for me to give it a higher grade, but it's a solid tune, that caught on by hook and crook and goaded controversy. Not that it doesn't deserve to be a hit - it just sucks that there has to be viral chicanery involved to get an intelligent song noticed these days.

3 Down

Michael Ray - Kiss You in the Morning
Man-meat with permanent five o'clock shadow and a good voice sings female-friendly song about night and kissing and love and partying. Lather, rinse, repeat. Ray actually has a better voice than many of his cohorts, and if applied to better… okay, if applied to way better material, he might be someone to keep an eye on. For now, the only eyes (and ears) on him are from lustful ladies (and a few guys) and people who don't care what's on the radio as long as it's not challenging or twangy. This isn't.

Florida-Georgia Line - Sippin' On Fire
The fact that this song is far better than their previous single is misleading. "Sun Daze" was one of the most excremental country singles ever from one of the worst radio artists to ever exist, so 'far better' is no compliment. "Sippin' on Fire" is a down-tuned, hookless mess that exists only to give Brian and Tyler a reason to sip their beloved Fireball on stage during a song. It features auto-tune, lyrics borrowed from their own repertoire, convincing a girl to cheat on her boyfriend, and not a shred of anything you might call "art."

Cole Swindell - Let Me See Ya Girl
Cole took a step toward adequacy with his previous single, "Ain't Worth the Whiskey," earning at least 'guilty pleasure' status from many who'd shunned his earlier radio tunes. While I didn't care for it, it was at least a hint that there might be a little more to Swindell than trucks and being dopey. Alas. Bro country is dead; long live bro country. "Let Me See Ya Girl" is so filled with cliche and signifiers from the "sup dawg?" crowd that it could pass as one of FTM's satire lyrics. It will have all the 16-22 year old females who frequently exclaim "I'm sooo drunk"  rocking them cutoffs with their feet on the dash for their boyfriends all summer with the windows down and Hank cranked and blah blah tailgate, shake it, drink, taste of her lips, blah blah. Crap.

Mar 12, 2015

Top 10 Traits for Getting a Country Record Deal 2015

10. Pretty smile, nice boobs, tight ass (that's for the males)

9. Ability to to perform a Dr. Dre/Hozier/Adele medley
during the breakdown portion of your latest "country" single

8. Strong knowledge of advanced skin care techniques including
cleansing, exfoliating, targeted treatments, and moisturizing

7. Nominal vocal skills

6. Enough knowledge of country music history
to feign reverence for previous generations

 5. Repertoire of kowtowing, adherence to 1950's traditional gender roles,
willingness to soften strong opinions with humor and over-politeness (that's for the females)

4. Strong slang vocabulary - must know difference between thot and tho

3. Malleable sense of self, deference to trends, lack of regard for genre fundamentals

2. Must look good in neutral colored henleys

1. Permanent five o'clock shadow


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