The Crud Report: August '21

 

Country TwitterFAIL: June '21

*foul language warning*

(this one's actually a win because the guy was trolling)

Country Radio in Wrasslin' Terms

Mickey Guyton Covers Dylan's "Make You Feel My Love"

ACMs 2020: (Semi) Snarky Twitter Wrap-Up

The ACM Awards were obviously a more serious and somber affair this year, so the hatin' wasn't as prevalent. That said, here are a few bits of insight and humor from last night's show.

I guess I’ll watch the ACMs. Probably won’t be a lot of hatin’ cause things are weird. As you may know.

— Farce the Music (@Farcethemusic) September 17, 2020

Here’s some hatin’: Dan + Shay suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. #ACMawards

— Farce the Music (@Farcethemusic) September 17, 2020

Dan + Shay rhymes with Maddie & Taye, the real duo of the year in my country music heart #ACMawards

— Sarah Boesveld (@sarahboesveld) September 17, 2020

“One Margarita” was definitely written by an online hit summer country song generator. #ACMawards

— Farce the Music (@Farcethemusic) September 17, 2020

I couldn’t tell you Dan from Shay though... and I thought Old Dominion was better when they were in the Sun Belt Conference.

— Jay Cooper (@jayacoop) September 17, 2020

Carrie Underwood just covered Patsy Cline, Loretta Lynn, Barbara Mandrell, Dolly Parton, Reba McEntire, and Martina McBride on the ACM AWARDS. Carrie Underwood just had a "moment." She is what pop country should be. #ACMawards

— Saving Country Music (@KyleCoroneos) September 17, 2020

I think Nashville needs an intervention about their drinking problem. (It’s worse than usual) #ACMawards

— Farce the Music (@Farcethemusic) September 17, 2020

I had no clue the #ACMawards were on tonight.

Then again, over half the nominees have no clue who Merle Haggard is so whatever.

— NotKennyRogers (@NotKennyRogers) September 17, 2020

I don’t think I’ve ever cared less about a celebrity couple than Blake and Gwen lol

— Lorie Liebig (@lorieliebig) September 17, 2020

Fun fact: Luke Combs did a tune up on that truck before the commercial.

— Farce the Music (@Farcethemusic) September 17, 2020

I always knew country music would eventually get so bad that nobody would show up at those award shows, but y’all didn’t believe me...

— Kevin Moon (@_KevinMoon) September 17, 2020

We would have severe overpopulation and traffic problems if Riley Green’s song came true.

— Farce the Music (@Farcethemusic) September 17, 2020

"Excuse me. Sir?? Can you tell me how to get to Copperhead Road?" "Yeah, uh, head down Copperhead road. Run right on Copperhead. Another left on Copperhead. Then boom. You're on Copperhead. "

— Tyler Daniel (@TylerDaniel28) September 17, 2020

I like the idea of Luke Combs sitting in the Bluebird and occasionally having to get up and be like what again?

— Elamin Abdelmahmoud (@elamin88) September 17, 2020

Play Mickey Guyton, country radio.

— Farce the Music (@Farcethemusic) September 17, 2020

it’s a crime you all let Florida Georgia Line be as popular as they are

— rach coop (@rec__22) September 17, 2020

A man can stumble out of the Gap Outlet at the Opryland Mall to pick up an Entertainer Of The Year trophy, apparently. #ACMs

— Country Universe (@CountryUniverse) September 17, 2020

I don’t like the phrase “mediocre white male” because I am one, but Thomas Rhett is also one.

— Farce the Music (@Farcethemusic) September 17, 2020

Country TwitterFAIL July '20

 *foul language, as usual*

I posted this one last month, but it makes me so mad I had to post it again

Simp Actually Enjoys Hearing Women Sing Country Music

Written By This Guy?

Ft. Lauderdale - A male country fan has confessed to actually liking country music performed by women. Florida panhandle man Harvey Christian counts himself a fan of Carrie Underwood, Miranda Lambert, AND Ashley McBryde, among others. The simp finds their shrill and annoying voices somehow enjoyable. Really.

Studies by mainstream country research firms have proven time and again that female singers should only be the exception and not the rule when programming radio playlists. Tomatoes in the salad, if you will. And yet, this purported country music fan truly finds chick songs to be engaging and of artistic merit. P****-whipped! 

“The women sing about subjects of substance more often than their male counterparts,” said the wuss. “And even when their songs are light-hearted, I find them more engaging and memorable.” LOL, I guess he’s never listened to Dustin Lynch!

While other real men listen to stalwarts like Florida-Georgia Line, Luke Bryan, and Sam Hunt, Harvey-freaking-Christian is white knighting all over social media about how much he loves Margo Price and Mickey Guyton. It’s nearly certain he’s just trying to get into some liberal babe’s pants. We don’t buy it. 

“No, I’m happily married and my wife listens to jazz and pop so I’m not trying to impress anybody,” insisted the pansy. “I am telling you the gospel truth when I say that I truly find pleasure in hearing females perform country and western music.” Liar. Data says even women don’t like women singing, so what’s the deal??

“I even love the classics like Patsy Cline, Tammy Wynette, and Loretta Lynn,” sucks up Christian. “They didn’t get the due as they deserved in their time.” Patsy’s dead, loser, she’s not going to read this!

At press time, this subservient wimp was queuing up some Lori McKenna, to get in his feelings or whatever. 

Mainstream Country Showing Signs of Improvement?

*yes I know Cody Johnson is not new, but he's new to country radio*

3 Up 3 Down: May '15

 
3 Up


Tim McGraw - Diamond Rings and Old Barstools
McGraw continues his hot streak of great country songs that are actually country with "Diamond Rings and Old Barstools." Whether it was the failure of his attempts at bro-relevancy a couple years back or an honest journey back to rootsy authentic (for this day) country that led him to this point, I don't care - the results are what matter, and this is a killer tune. A smoky atmosphere, throwback imagery, twang, great harmonies from Catherine Dunn, and a classic honky-tonk ballad sound blend this into a modern-day gem. Sure, Tim will have to throw some party songs or "I'm southern" anthems back into the mix at some point to keep his slot on radio, but for now, I'm enjoying the hell out of this era.
A-


Mickey Guyton - Better Than You Left Me
A bright new light on the scene, Guyton has been compared to Carrie Underwood's  big-voiced pop-country stylings. It's a fair reference, but Mickey may be more appealing to those like me who prefer traditional leanings, because she's got a bit more grit in her throat. She must also have some strong gumption, leading off with a bittersweet single that never mentions going out at night nor loving dude-bros nor wishing to judge her worth on the whims of a man. It's a strong, uplifting song that though pop-country, doles out just as much of the latter part of that genre name as the former. I'm excited to see where she goes from here.
B+


Little Big Town - Girl Crush
Even if I didn't like this song, I'd probably force myself to like it just for the effect it has/had on people who: 1)don't listen to lyrics 2)don't understand lyrics 3)just want an excuse to type the word "lezbo" on Twitter or Facebook. "Girl Crush" is just the sort of smartly-written, organic-sounding song radio needs in an era of slackjaws singing the virtues of mud on $50k trucks and banging country girls by a bonfire. The vocal performance is stunning, even more so live. It's a bit too safe-sounding for me to give it a higher grade, but it's a solid tune, that caught on by hook and crook and goaded controversy. Not that it doesn't deserve to be a hit - it just sucks that there has to be viral chicanery involved to get an intelligent song noticed these days.
B

3 Down


Michael Ray - Kiss You in the Morning
Man-meat with permanent five o'clock shadow and a good voice sings female-friendly song about night and kissing and love and partying. Lather, rinse, repeat. Ray actually has a better voice than many of his cohorts, and if applied to better… okay, if applied to way better material, he might be someone to keep an eye on. For now, the only eyes (and ears) on him are from lustful ladies (and a few guys) and people who don't care what's on the radio as long as it's not challenging or twangy. This isn't.
D+



Florida-Georgia Line - Sippin' On Fire
The fact that this song is far better than their previous single is misleading. "Sun Daze" was one of the most excremental country singles ever from one of the worst radio artists to ever exist, so 'far better' is no compliment. "Sippin' on Fire" is a down-tuned, hookless mess that exists only to give Brian and Tyler a reason to sip their beloved Fireball on stage during a song. It features auto-tune, lyrics borrowed from their own repertoire, convincing a girl to cheat on her boyfriend, and not a shred of anything you might call "art."
F


Cole Swindell - Let Me See Ya Girl
Cole took a step toward adequacy with his previous single, "Ain't Worth the Whiskey," earning at least 'guilty pleasure' status from many who'd shunned his earlier radio tunes. While I didn't care for it, it was at least a hint that there might be a little more to Swindell than trucks and being dopey. Alas. Bro country is dead; long live bro country. "Let Me See Ya Girl" is so filled with cliche and signifiers from the "sup dawg?" crowd that it could pass as one of FTM's satire lyrics. It will have all the 16-22 year old females who frequently exclaim "I'm sooo drunk"  rocking them cutoffs with their feet on the dash for their boyfriends all summer with the windows down and Hank cranked and blah blah tailgate, shake it, drink, taste of her lips, blah blah. Crap.
D-

New Video: Mickey Guyton