Top 10 (More) Less Successful Americana Bands

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10. Sturgis Simpson

9. The Safe Spaces

8. Donnie T. and the Immigrants

7. The Head and The Fart

6. Los Zurullos

5. Sexually Assaulted by Turtles

4. Wally Chains and the Flatbills

3. The Bearded Film Curators Club

2. Steve Earle Just Complaining About Capitalism for 2 Hours

1. Crosby, Stills, and Kevin Nash

Top 10 Things Brantley Gilbert Fans are Handing Out For Halloween

10. Pork rinds wrapped in paper towels

9. Candy, but with one of these flyers in each handful:

8. Jagermeister airplane bottles filled with watered down cough syrup

7. 

6. Individual Marlboro Reds

5. Meth for kids (Rock candy in baggies)

4. Fireball Jello shots

3. Strip club coupons

2. CDR of their 

hick-hop mixtape

1. (In most cases, nothing, because they don't have trick or treating in prison)

Top 10 Things Overheard at 2015 Luke Bryan Farm Tour Shows

10. Ugh, I didn't think it'd be a real farm. Now my cowboy boots are all dusty.

9. I wish I was old enough to have a beer to hold up during "Drink a Beer!"

8. I'm only here to see if he falls again

7. Look at the ass on that woma... Oh shit, it's a guy again. 

6. I hope he sings "Burnin' it Down"…or is it "Strip it Down?" Same difference.

5. Damn, gotta delete all my Drake albums so there's room on my phone for more pics of Luke's ass.

4. I wish there was such thing as an indoor farm. It smells like somebody shit on a salad out here.

3. I hope Luke covers some classics from the greats that influenced him like Cowboy Troy. 

2. Sure was nice of them to give Cole Swindell his job back. 

1. Are you going to the concession stand? Get me a pumpkin spice something.

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A Trailer & Jeremy Harris collaboration

Sam Hunt's Top 10 Most Country Moments

10. Born in Cedartown, Georgia

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

Top 10 Things to Expect for Tonight's CMT Awards

10. Social media going nuts on how good Carrie looks after having a baby/Social media

going nuts over people saying how good Carrie looks after having

a baby/Shaming/Anti-Shaming/Shame-Shaming

9. A joke about tomatoes within the first five minutes

8. David Spade as Joe Dirt being one of the most actually country things/persons on the show

7. Shitheads, douchebags, assholes, and other various and sundry vulgarities

6. The continued assumption that because 25 year olds have rap, EDM, rock, pop, and country on their phones (because certainly, people as old as me couldn't possibly have varied tastes and access to modern technology), they'd like to hear all these genres at the same time

5. The wildly entertaining spectacle of a Russian fellow pushing buttons on stage

4. Cross-promotion, cross-promotion, and more cross-promotion

3. Sam Hunt looking happy and confident because he truly

isn't the least country act on the show for a change

2. Awards handed out for something called "videos" - apparently these are recorded visual representations or performances of songs, and it seems CMT once showed these frequently

1. Two creepy bastards performing a song about boomboxes and Alabama

(and trucks, hotties, dirt roads, and drinking)

Top 10 Traits for Getting a Country Record Deal 2015

10. Pretty smile, nice boobs, tight ass (that's for the males)

9. Ability to to perform a Dr. Dre/Hozier/Adele medley

during the breakdown portion of your latest "country" single

8. Strong knowledge of advanced skin care techniques including

cleansing, exfoliating, targeted treatments, and moisturizing

7. Nominal vocal skills

6. Enough knowledge of country music history

to feign reverence for previous generations

 5. Repertoire of kowtowing, adherence to 1950's traditional gender roles,

willingness to soften strong opinions with humor and over-politeness (that's for the females)

4. Strong slang vocabulary - must know difference between thot and tho

3. Malleable sense of self, deference to trends, lack of regard for genre fundamentals

2. Must look good in neutral colored henleys

 

1. Permanent five o'clock shadow

Top 10 Ways Nashville Songwriters are Changing Their Approach in 2014

 

On 2014's mainstream country radio, we've seen a slight maturing of the content and a subtle movement away from so much "bro." There have also been other shifts, such as nekkid-ness and even more drinking than anyone thought possible. Here are some of the methods Music Row's finest are using to adapt with the times.

Top 10 Ways Nashville Songwriters are Changing

Their Approach in 2014

10. Learning the names of a larger variety of alcoholic beverages

for their songs' characters to drink while driving

09. Requesting that singers pronounce "truck" with a bit of ironic displeasure

08. Extending group of 'outsiders' who should be pummeled by

country boys to include people who live in the suburbs, the educated, and bloggers

07. Evolving their sonic palette from 'peak hair metal' (Poison, Bon Jovi)

to 'waning days of hair metal' (Trixter, Danger Danger)

06. Bringing back the working man trope (as long as he don't work in no damn city)

05. Tamping down on the misogyny a bit by giving female characters a larger role, such as 

lighting the bonfire, letting down the tailgate, or initiating the unprotected sex

04. Limiting grammatical errors to 2 per song

03. Slyly inserting marijuana references into every song,

including quasi-religious songs and anti-immigration anthems

02. Cutting back on incidents of racist, homophobic rants and drunken brawls

01. Full frontal nudity

Top 10 Things That Sound Better Than Rascal Flatts' Cover of "Kickstart My Heart"

10.

09.

Bob Dylan arguing with Tom Waits beside a clothes dryer with a rock in it

08.

07.

Taylor Swift singing the "Napa Know How" theme song a cappella

 06.

05.

 Brantley Gilbert humming while gargling hot whiskey in a hailstorm 

04.

03.

 This???

 02.

William Hung singing the "Star Spangled Banner" through a box fan

01.

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......but judge for yourself: Kickstart My Heart

Top 10 Bumper Stickers on Trucks of Brantley Gilbert Fans

10. 

09. You Can't Spell Inmate without ME

08. Ed Hardy is My Co-Pilot

07. 

06. Jesus is My Dealer

05. 

04. Follow Me to the Meth Trailer

03. 

02. Do You Even Lift Trucks Bro?

01. 

Top 10 Chase Rice Pet Peeves

10. "Age of consent laws" -Seth Wilson

09. When girls want to take a selfie together after unprotected sex in a coliseum broom closet.

08. Farce the Music/Saving Country Music

07. Speeling

06. Figuring out how to keep dick pics from uploading to photo stream

05. Riting song liricks

04. "When you're trying to bro with your bros and non-bros are all in your brosnis" -Larry Hooper

03. Sam Hunt pulls more leg

02. When people accuse him of misogyny. He doesn't even know a b**ch with the last name Ogeny.

01. Tan line on forehead from wearing snapbacks backwards.

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Thanks to a couple of Twitter pals for 2 of these!

Top 10 Most Pressing Issues Facing the BG Nation

10. Foreign relations with the Taylor Nation strained due to usage of MDMA

in attempted relations with said Taylor Nation

09. That pesky lip sore that just won't seem to scab over

08. Rising cost of wallet chains causing budgetary concerns

07. Finding a member of the nation with a large enough trailer

to hold a meeting of the South Georgia Chapter

06. Pissed at girlfriend for DVR'ing over last episode of Big Smo

05. Arkansas Chapter threatening secession over new rule barring dues payment with EBT

04. Not sure whether to wear the dragon eating a midget

Affliction shirt or the Satan in chains Affliction shirt for Friday's date

03. Fringe east Nashville upstart chapter wants to allow "city slickers" to join

02. Northern Florida Chapter's Syphilis epidemic

01. Securing weekend supply of Steel Reserve while wearing ankle bracelet

Top 10 Rules for Writing a Hit Country Song in 2014

Inspired by this. (Link)

10. Check Billboard's charts archives and see

what was popular in pop and rap 10 years ago. Do that.

09. Be a famous person's offspring.

08. Write what you know, unless you know about anything other

than leaning on your truck in a pasture drinking fake moonshine and staring

at the rear ends of females dancing beside a bonfire to a song about leaning

on your truck in a pasture drinking fake moonshine and staring at the

rear ends of females dancing beside a bonfire.

07. When writing a song for a female artist, stop doing that.

06. Move to Nashville. Do you honestly think a record exec is going to come

to your house so you can give them sexual favors to get your foot in the door?

05. Be in a fraternity and when one of your fellow members

gets into the business, they'll hook you up, bro.

04. Go to a club where critically lauded Americana or roots rock artists perform

and listen to their earnest, heartfelt songs. Maybe even talk with them after the show and find out about their motives and inspirations so you can make sure to never do any of that stuff.

03. Kiss ass kiss ass kiss ass.

02. Don't write a country song.

01. Sit down for a few hours with your guitar and a bottle of whiskey and pour out your

emotions into a powerful song about hurt, love and the power of the human spirit.

Then throw that sumbitch in the trash and go write a truck song with 3 other dudes.

Top 10 Things Brantley Gilbert Fans Spend Their Tax Refund On 2014

10. This

9. Throwdown MMA Cage Bed

8. "An investment in our future, baby."

7. A present for momma

6. Legalize Crystal Meth hoodie

5. John Deere (male) thong

4. This classy doorbell

3. A down payment on this sweet truck, bro.

2. A shitload of bottle rockets.

1. Tetracyline

Top 10 Majors at Thomas Rhett University

10. Social Media Reputation Reclamation

9. Jacked-up Truck Maintenance

8. Keg-Stand Theory

7. Moneymaker Shaking 101

6. Effective Hazing Techniques and Strategies

5. Twistin’/Tearin’ Up Friday Night

4. Bro Fashion Marketing

3. Molly Popping

2. Transmitting Sexual Diseases 

1. Ice Luge Engineering

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Top 10 Things Overheard From Aldean Army Members

10. Is it just me or are these arenas using smaller seats than they did a few years ago?

09. Is it two "S's" or two "O's" in loser? Farce the Music is allowing anonymous comments again.

08. What is a George Jones?

07. Why are all the young girls at this show dressed like sluts?

06. Sorry I bent your tailgate.

05. Why are all the old women at this show dressed like sluts?

04. I stretch out one of her Hello Kitty shirts and my daughter won't stop bitching. Damn teenagers.

03. Oh my god, I just heard the greatest news ever!!! Jason's gonna be on 

a tribute album for Daryl from The Walking Dead's one handed brother!

02. First mom stretched out my shirt, then she threw my panties 

she stole on the stage. Damn parents.

01. The hot flashes suck but at least I'm saving money by not buying pads.

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By Jeremy Harris