Top 10 Things You'll Never Hear a Brantley Gilbert Fan Say

10. I'm thinking of lowering my truck some; my gas mileage is terrible!

09. I found a typo.

08. Of course I'm current on my child support payments.

07. No thanks, I've drank enough for one night.

06. The United States welfare system is out of control.

05. Only a few more payments and it's all mine.   *Not referring to a tattoo.

04. Here's my insurance card.

03. I'm not doing that, you're my sister.

02. Professor, should I double-space my thesis?

01. All the tests came back clean!

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-Most of these by Jeremy Harris

Top 10 Badass Luke Bryan Moments

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Top Ten Things Luke Bryan is Thankful for this Thanksgiving

10. That he got back into his size 2 jeans from 2011

09. That Dallas Davidson has his finger on the pulse of idiot culture

08. That hardly anybody has caught on to how creepy it is

for a 37 year old man to be singing about college chicks

07. That he had children before the jeans made that medically impossible

06. That country in 2013 is more Miley than Dolly

05. That fame makes dance moves look 93% cooler (to fans) than they actually are

04. America's education system churning out more and more Luke Bryan fans

03. That you can buy tooth whitening trays in bulk

02. Gold Bond Medicated Powder

01. That he only has to listen to his own crappy songs 3 or 4 nights a week

Country "Walk-Up" Songs

Monday evening, Justin Moore tweeted about @MLBFanCave asking him what his "walk up" song would be if he were a baseball player, then asked what the fans thought his answer might have been. Ever the snarky jerks, Reginald Spears and FTM replied "So Small" and "Little Bitty," respectively (but not respectfully). That led to this: FTM ponders what other country singers would use as their perfect "walk up songs" if they were baseball players.

Walk-Up Songs for Country Singers

10. Brantley Gilbert

09. Taylor Swift

08. Tim McGraw

07. Blake Shelton

06. Willie Nelson

05. Sara Evans

04. Jason Aldean

03. Chris Young

02. Luke Bryan

01. Gary Levox

Top 10 Things Dallas Davidson Thinks Are Cool

10. An upstairs neighbor playing Godsmack really loud at 12:30 on a Sunday night

09. Bombing Syria

08. Erectile dysfunction

07. Moob sweat at an important meeting

06. Getting logged out of Netflix and forgetting the log-in info

during an "Orange is the New Black" binge

05. Stepping in dog shit, barefoot 

04. When Walt poisoned that kid on Breaking Bad

03. Slightly overweight people taking all the scooters for handicapped people at Walmart

02. Alex Rodriguez

01. Unflushed poo in public toilets

*Dallas Davidson is the cowriter of "Honky-Tonk Badonkadonk," "That's My Kinda Night," "Boys Round Here,"

"Country Girl (Shake It For Me)" and various other piece-of-shit "country" songs that have added to the

destruction of the mainstream segment of the genre.

Top 10 Reasons To Avoid A Pop-Country Concert

10. The performers will be singing pop-country.

9. It's the first place your parole officer will look for you.

8. They have both kinds of beer: Bud Light with or without lime.

7. If a girl has all of her teeth, she's underage.

6. The glare from Luke Bryan's teeth has been know to cause permanent retina damage.

5. You may be forced to park under a lifted truck if the parking garage is packed.

4. Colt Ford will be granted entry before you. 

Concession stands will resemble Old Mother Hubbard's cupboard.

3. Are you male? Do you have a tattoo of a deer visible when you wear a sleeveless shirt?

Are your jeans overly tight? Is getting your GED a life goal?

If you answered yes to at least 3 of these, you just became the opening act.

2. Unless you're in the front row, you can't see Justin Moore on stage.

1. Old shiny skinned white guys acting like they're teenagers.

-by Jeremy Harris

Top Ten Less Successful Americana Bands

10. The Sex Offenders String Band

09. The Ghosts of Fartknocker Mountain

08. Beards in the Silo

07. Uncle Yoakam and Those Dapper Fellows

06. The Tattooed Rockabilly Roller-Derby Crack Whores

05. Big Barry and His Lumbago

04. Offal

03. Joe Biden and the Shotgun Boys

02. Mumford's Third Cousins, Twice Removed

01. Pantaloons Medicine Tent Revival

Top Ten Appetizers to be Served at Rascal Flatts' Restaurant

When Rascal Flatts' Phoenix restaurant opens later this year, it will serve some unique main dishes, as we learned earlier. What appetizers will they be whetting your appetite with?

10. Fried Pickle Wrapped Corndogs

9. "Bless the Broken Bread" Softball Sized Yeast Rolls

8. Basket of Pork Rinds with gravy dipping sauce

7. "Mayberry" Fried Cherry Coke

6. Big-o'-Bowl-o'-Brisket

5. Chicken-fried Philly Cheesesteak Quesadillas

4. Cheddar-stuffed Calamari with ranch dipping sauce

3. "I Won't Let Go" Beer-battered Grilled Cheese Minis

2. Refried Chili-dog Pizza Nachos

1. Gary's "Healthy Choice" Double-fried Bacon-wrapped Cream-cheese-stuffed Green Beans

Top 10 Co-hosts CMT Considered Before Jason Aldean

Kristin Bell and the ever-ebullient Jason Aldean will be hosting this year's CMT Awards. Here are the other 10 potential co-hosts for Bell CMT considered before Aldean. 

(Editor's note: I'm not sure how some of these could have actually co-hosted, but go with it...)

Algebra

Drying paint

James Franco and Anne Hathaway

Growing grass

Lady Antebellum

Laundry

This bag of rice cakes

Televised golf

War and Peace

Josh Turner

Top 10 Things Brantley Gilbert Fans Spend Their Tax Refund On

10. Chemistry classes at the community college,

in which they will ask lots of off-topic questions about ephedrine and red phosphorous

09. Three words: Walmart Spending Spree!

08. Taking their special lady (possibly related) out to

the Backyard Burgers and then the Motel 6 out on the bypass

07. Breaking Bad DVD Set, for "research"

06. This website's entire stock.

05. An above-ground pool and a below-ground doomsday shelter

04. An Ed Hardy motorcycle helmet

03. Full body camouflage tattoo so they can hunt naked

02. Home DNA kit

01. Ether, iodine, brake fluid, lye, ammonia, matches, drano and hydrochloric acid

Top 10 Songs Blake Shelton Rejected For His New Album Based On A True Story

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Did you really think he turned down anything?
-Jeremy Harris

Top 10 Lyrics That Wouldn't Have Made "Accidental Racist" Any Worse

10. If you don't judge my candy paint whip

I'll forget the pain and punishment

9. To the bum that squeegeed my windshield at the stoplight down on Main,

I think you missed a spot

8. I try to put myself in your shoes but I look dumb in Air Jordans

7. Dear Mr. Honky, You ain't bout that life

6. Our generation doesn't deserve any blamin'

But we're still paying for old faux pas

5. When I put on that t-shirt, the only thing I meant to say is I'm a Brantley fan

4. If you don't judge my baby mamas

I'll say George Bush was better than Obama

3. Caught between achy breaky and Harlem shake

2. And it ain't like you and me are up to speed on history

1. If you don't judge my twenty-twos

I won't bust a cap in you

Top Ten Better Ways to Spend $1.29 Than on FGL/Nelly's "Cruise" Remix

10. Bacon flavored condom

From mactrast.com

09. One bullet to shoot iPhone of whoever buys said song

08. Ear plugs

07. Toss one-hundred twenty-nine pennies into a storm drain

06. Steel Reserve tall boy

05. Stamp and envelope to send Scott Borchetta hate mail

04. Toss $1.29 in change into dryer; enjoy the racket more than said song

Perfect accompaniment to your Steel Reserve tall boy!

03. Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco (Duh)

02. Cheap autotune app so you can sound just like FGL

01. Drop quarter and four pennies in toilet, wipe backside with dollar bill

Top 10 Shortest Books by Country Artists V

10. Social Media is Your Friend - Rich O'Toole

09. Hairstyles I Haven't Tried Yet - Lauren Alaina (from @Sam4Vols)

08. My Favorite Quotes From Liberals - Charlie Daniels

07. Hair Care Tips andTricks - Zac Brown

06. Talent for Dummies - Brantley Gilbert (from J. Rutledge on FB)

05. Blake Shelton's Most Intelligent Tweets

04. Great Non-Autotuned Florida-Georgia Line Songs

03. Lab Report from Hunter Hayes' Physician: Testosterone Levels

02. Recording Contracts for Dummies - Jamey Johnson (from @76crowes)

01. Male Celebrities & Musicians Age 18-35 I Haven't Dated by Taylor Swift

Top 10 Dumbest Things You Can Do at a Country Concert

Rolling Stone published this list of the 10 most annoying concert behaviors recently. It's true and all, but maybe... they've never been to a country concert?

Soooo....

Top 10 Dumbest Things You Can Do at a Country Concert

10.  Get so drunk you trade glittery dragon jeans with some dude in the bathroom

9. Loudly complain "Who is this Hellbound Glory crap? We want Kid Rock!"

8. Bum beers off friends ...with a $36 Jake Owen concert shirt hanging over your shoulder

7. Break a restraining order because you just had to see how beautiful

your ex would look singing along to "Cruise"

6.  Play air guitar during a piano solo

5. Yell "Play 'Country Must Be Countrywide!'"

4. Smoke during "Smoke a Little Smoke," hold up boots during "These Boots,"

feel up underage girls during "Creepin'"

3. Call your lawyer about suing the arena after you slip in some urine (yours) by your seat

2. Sing along to the three hits, not recognize the album cuts and complain about what a dumb song the Waylon cover is

1. Realize you're at a Luke Bryan show

*Gif image you will never unsee blatantly stolen from http://-dixiefried.tumblr.com/

Luke Bryan's Top 10 Resolutions for 2013

Thanks to some Twitter and Facebook pals for their contributions!

10. Create a Luke Bryan Signature Line of skinny jorts

9. Try and one-up Randy Travis by having a dead hooker

in the bed of his truck when cops find him passed out - @thegools

8. Perform one song without doing pelvic thrusts - @harriett0312

7. The Holy Grail of pop-country doucheocity: write or cut

a song even dumber than "Country Girl (Shake it For Me)."

6. Re-round his nuts - @ohbuffalo

5. Fit into his (sister's) jeans from 5th grade again - @shelbyjo

4. Rhyme a word with 4x4 Chevrolet Suburban - @BUBBAERVIN

3. Buy stock in Crest White Strips - @Mbarber17

2. Create a Luke Bryan "bobble-legs" (as opposed to a Bobble-head)

1. Get a baseball cap with no bill so he won't waste so much time 

figuring out which way is backwards - Shari Geller from Facebook