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Woke Mob Destroys Jason Aldean Albums in Protest

A mob of unruly woke folks staged a protest in front of country singer Jason Aldean’s record company yesterday. They were clearly upset that Aldean had recently been using his 1st amendment rights to criticize President Joe Biden, speak out against mask mandates, and generally promote all sorts of dangerous freedom.

The blue haired and heavily masked troupe staged their protest on Grand Avenue beside the building that houses the office of Broken Bow Music Group, snarling the already terrible traffic near the intersection with Music Square West. 

“We’re here to demand Aldean’s immediate dismissal from the label, and to show our disdain for his very existence.” said Rachel Portnoy, a community developer from Hackensack. 

On cue, a short convoy of Nissan Leafs, Toyota Priuses, and Chevy Volts proceeded down Grand in Portnoy’s direction. She and an assistant, Pierre Effete, stepped off the curb carrying large boxes of Jason Aldean CDs. They dumped the albums directly into the path of the environmentally responsible parade and stood back as the cars crushed them into a pile of acrylic, polycarbonate, metallic film, and torn album liners. One Leaf became stuck in the pile and had to be pushed out by protestors some workers from across the street.

Formerly quiet on the subject of politics, superstar Aldean has recently been more outspoken, cheering on audiences for flouting mask mandates, allowing his children to be photographed in “Hidin’ from Biden” t-shirts, and defending his wife’s sale of said shirts (among other more forcefully worded shirts). “We’re just fed up with his inflammatory speech; while we support responsible free speech, people who disagree with our particular viewpoints clearly cannot handle the freedom.” said Effete, a barista from Belle Meade.

When told that the protest might be bringing previously unknown awareness of Aldean’s politics to a segment of people who’d likely become fans because of those beliefs, Portnoy seemed dismissive. “If this does nothing besides trend on Twitter for 2 hours and improve our cred inside our bubble of influence, then we’ve done our job,” she smirked.

Over on the sidewalk, Pierre attempted to snap an Aldean CD in half with his bare hands, but was unable to break the disc and simply threw it to the concrete before picking it up and placing the pieces in the recycling bin.

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Man Wears Mask at Aldean Concert Because He’s Embarrassed to Be There

Country superstar Jason Aldean recently praised his New York fans for their lack of masks at his Wantagh show on August 7th. While certain jurisdictions, venues, and organizations either mandate or urge the use of masks during the continued Covid-19 pandemic, the singer was happy to see his crowd defy those suggestions.

One man Aldean didn’t notice, however, was definitely wearing a mask. 

Ben Trask of Levittown withstood the stares and occasional crude remarks from fellow concert-goers and kept his face covering on for the entire duration of the show. He also wore the mask while driving to and leaving the show. 

When asked if he donned the fabric over health concerns, Trask laughed. “Hell no. I just didn’t want anybody I know to see me going to, being in attendance at, or leaving a Jason Aldean concert.”

Trask was tasked with taking his step-daughter and her friends to the concert after drawing the short straw among the group of parents. “My wife got lucky!” said Trask. “She didn’t have to sit through this droning motherf***er for 2 damn hours singing about fields and trucks and trucks and fields.”

“I liked one of the opening singers, Lainey Wilson, but the rest of it was pure garbage,” he continued. “I’d be mortified if somebody took my picture being at this shitshow. They had a f***ing DJ, for god’s sake! At a supposed country concert!”

At press time, Ben was making sure his daughter didn’t tag him in any Facebook photo posts.