ACMs 2018: Snarky Twitter Wrap-Up

In no order whatsoever.

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews Old Dominion's "Hotel Key"

It seems like I'm living a lie. I used to review country songs and pop-country songs for this here blog, but these days all Trailer has me listen to are pop and hippity hop and rocking roll songs that still have the gall to call themselves country. It's disheartening and I believe it to be sinful (the lie that they're country; not that I'm reviewing them). But anyway, here we go.

This is another song from Old Dominion, a sleazy looking bunch of boys who like to sing about stalking women and wearing stupid looking hats (according to their appearances, it is probably pulled from the sweat-soaked, smoky pages of their own lives; not that I would judge). Well, I guess that's one way to go about things. It's not a Godly or respectable way, but it's a way. 

"Hotel Key." From the very title, you are immediately aware that some untoward situations are probably about to be recounted. It's not like a song about my wife losing her hotel key at the Million Dollar Quartet show in Branson is good song material for popular radio, so it has to be about fornicating or whatnot.

Annnnnd it is. Oh, ye of the olde dominion, fornicators shall not inherit the Kingdom of God. Put your pecker away and save that thing for your betrothed wife. Sins of the flesh are sins against the body. Flee from doing the sideways shimmy! You'll have a solid 3-5 years of all that you want once you get married. 

Another evil spoken of here is the mary wanner. Don't think I don't know what they speak of here. I'm from the seventies! Your body is a temple! Do you want to bring something into the temple that makes you want to lay on the couch all day watching Life Below Zero and eating Doritos all day? Well, that's what my son-in-law does and he ain't worth a …. I mean, he is not living within the Word at this time.

There's also mention of drinking in this song and you can probably imagine how the Lord and I feel about that. We don't even have real wine at the Lord's Supper, so I sure don't approve of it in a Motel 6 with a floozie and a doobie.

In summary, this song is as wretched as most I've reviewed for Farce the Music and it is also pretty lame. I needed three hours of Gaithers on YouTube to scrub it from my ears. 

F

Country Stars Finally Speak Out on Important Issues

Lately, there has been a lot of consternation toward the unwillingness of country music's biggest stars to speak out on the important issues facing Americans these days. Topics like guns, immigration, and President Trump seem completely off limits to the upper echelon of Music Row's top acts. Somehow, we got them to go on record with us about the hot-button topics of the day.

WWE Country Reaction Gifs 28

Did you dump your girlfriend just

because she liked Walker Hayes?

"Kane Brown is the future of country music" 

When dad says he got tickets to

Luke Bryan for the whole family

Every time you think bro country is dead

An Old Dominion songwriting session

When some dude gets too handsy

with Sunny Sweeney at the merch booth

Chris Stapleton is about to have his first #1 hit

A salute to those responsible for

Bebe Rexha being on country radio

Honest Tweets, March '18 ft. Luke Bryan, Walker Hayes, Bobby Bones, etc.

Regarding this story.

Don't Be Old Dominion

Ace Ventura Country Reaction Gifs

Average mainstream country executive giving an interview

This, but for your ears when you hear

a Walker Hayes song

Doesn't matter what car you drive.

If Waylon's playing, you're cool.

If Dallas Moore is playing downtown...

"Genres don't matter anymore, but I can call 

this country music if I want to..."

If "Sangria Wine" comes on at the party

Just scored Cody Jinks tickets

Almost as creepy as Old Dominion

A Text Message for Old Dominion

Honest Billboard Top 20: February '18

Opinion: Stop Presenting Mainstream Country Stars as Saints

by Trailer

Look, I prefer positivity and goodness in life. Despite the snarky, critical persona I take on as the proprietor of this site, family, love, faith, and understanding are high up on my list of things that don't suck. Happy relationships and strong families are of utmost importance in this world. Charity is wonderful and if you can give to the less fortunate, do so. Be nice, tell the truth, do right, and all that stuff. 

All that said, could one of the dudes from Old Dominion possibly get caught naked in a crackhouse with a one-legged prostitute? Can we maybe uncover a chop-shop on Brantley Gilbert's property? Are there incriminating photos of Kelsea Ballerini meeting with Russian informants? Did Thomas Rhett have a lost period of years as a drug mule?

An illegal firearm? Poaching? Jaywalking? Not even a misguided interview response? Nothing? Come on!

Almost to the person, country artists these days are either as plain as ecru painted walls or as sweet as cotton candy, and I'm over it. I miss the days when country artists were packing heat, snorting ski slopes of cocaine, and chasing tail from one coast to the other. 

Can you imagine the memes Farce the Music would have generated in the 70s and earlier? These folks were driving their pimped out Cadillacs with the horns to their mansions with guitar shaped pools and taking all the drugs and drinking all the whiskey. They were having public screaming fights with their significant others at a Shreveport hotel. Even the nice guys were outlaws back in the day - John Denver made Jason Aldean look like Mr. Rogers. In 2018, all the rowdy friends have settled down. 

The only thing safer than the lifestyles is the music. It all has an 80s elevator music quality to it. Every song's gotta fit the same sonic texture as everything else on country radio. It's not about getting the best music out to people; it's about keeping people zoned out and listening so they might pay attention to an ad about erectile dysfunction or mortgage refinancing every now and then. 

And the country music news cycle now… this guy played a charity show, this lady is just so grateful to be liked, this couple adopted an entire town in Niger. Again, all those things are wonderful! By all means, please do good, country stars. I'm not saying they shouldn't. It's just gotten so syrupy sweet and perfectly groomed and PR managed that my eyes glaze over every time a story that should make me smile pops up on the news feed. 

Look, I don't want anybody sinning and being unlawful just for the sake of edginess. All I'm asking for here is realness. Country music is about truth, and truthfully, nobody is as perfect as these people are made out to be. Somebody's cheating. Somebody's nursing a pill habit. Somebody else is an awful diva. 

While some of these truths are understandably a little too controversial for PR people to let get out (not to mention that stars are people and deserve some level of privacy), other glimpses into stars' imperfections would make them more endearing. People probably would've been into Johnny Cash no matter what, but the fact that we knew he was as flawed (or more so) than the rest of us made him that much more relatable and beloved.

Let us see behind the curtain a little. All this white picket fence idealism is not only getting dull, it's insulting. We know better.