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Walker Hayes Writes New Annoyingly Dumbass Song for IHOP

After taking over TikTok, country radio, and television ads, pop-country-talk-singer Walker Hayes has something new on his plate: another foray into the advertising world. This time around he’s extolling the virtues of IHOP (formerly International House of Pancakes), in a spectacularly stupid and catchy jingle/single that’s debuting on TikTok next week.

Hayes, the co-writer/singer of the smash-hit, brain-numbing, infuriating ode-to-the-simple life, “Fancy Like,” got to work on the new song, simply titled “IHOP” as soon as Applebee’s launched its ad campaign with the former. “We’re putting the finishing touches on the dance,” said Hayes. “I can just see a line of people dressed as breakfast burritos popping and locking in the commercial! Literally everyone will love it and if they don’t, I’ll make snarky comments to them on Twitter.” 

Dine Brands Global, who owns Applebee’s as well as IHOP, had already optioned the song, music unheard, and prepped for ad shoots in the coming weeks. EVP of Marketing, Tenise Helms told us “Walker has been a goldmine for Applebee’s, and I’m sure he’ll be the same for IHOP, and that no one will in any way find this song to be exasperating or irksome. If you don’t like Walker, you don’t like fun!” 

Traditional country fans and people who only watch TV during football games had a drastically different reaction to the news. “God ******* **** it!” yelled LSU fan Peter Grady of Baton Rouge. “I already went to therapy for the first time because of that ‘fancy like Applebee’s’ bull****; please tell me this is a ****ing joke.” 

“Walker Hayes, who’s she?” asked country fan Carl Outlaw. “Oh that Applebee’s ad… I’ll shoot my TV if I have to hear him on a mother****ing IHOP commercial too!”

Here are a sampling of the lyrics for “IHOP”:

I hop I hop I hop

Can’t stop

Won’t stop

No sir

Breakfast all day, oh yay

Pumpkin full stack and OJ

Eat till I pop

Yeah I hop I hop I hop

At press time, America really wanted Walker Hayes to just stop and go spend some time at home with his family.

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President Adds “Fancy Like” to List of Banned Interrogation Methods

Calling it “despicable and inhumane,” President Biden on Wednesday signed an executive order banning the use of the Walker Hayes song “Fancy Like” as an interrogation method. While not a part of the generally approved list of 19 techniques, annoying the f**k out of prisoners with said musical composition has been a “gray area” tactic in recent months. 

Used mostly on ISIS detainees and other terrorist group members captured in the past year, the song has had mixed results. Several bits of useful intelligence have been gleaned in about half the proceedings, the enemy combatants unable to withstand more than 30 seconds of Walker Hayes talk-singing about Natty light and Oreo shakes. Other results have been quite negative, with stronger minded prisoners left near insanity after withstanding hours of the viral TikTok song / commercial jingle.

According to one anonymous source, one high ranking ISIS enforcer was left crying and vomiting in the corner of his cell after 3 hours of “Fancy Like.” “He kept saying ‘Alabama-jamma’ over and over and attempting to pull his hair out.” said the source.

“Much like water-boarding in the past,” said President Biden. “We cannot stoop to the levels of evil men to draw information from evil men. My executive order declares this song a method of torture, unfit for common decency; hell I wouldn’t wish it on Corn Pop.”

At press time, one military interrogation specialist was removing “Fancy Like” and adding the old standby “Country Girl (Shake it For Me)” to his “ISIS Dance Party” playlist on Spotify.