If (Classic Country Song) Was Bro-Country

Since bro-country seems to be making a slight return this summer, it seems like a good time to bring back this feature.

If (Classic Country Song) Was Bro-Country

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Patsy Cline - She's Got You

I've got your picture

That you Snapped to me

Screen-shot it with love

Showed it to my homies

Ain't nothing different

Since we've been through

I've got your picture

It's a nude

Waylon & Willie - Mammas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys

Mammas don't let your babies grow up to soyboys

Don't let 'em dip pouches or vote for no cucks

Let 'em be hotties and frat boys and such

Mammas don't let your babies grow up to soyboys

'Cause they'll never lift, bro, and they'll never roll coal

They won't even drive a truck

Tammy Wynette - Stand By Your Man

Stand by your man,

In cut off shorts that cling to,

That shaker mama gave you 

Move that thing like a pony

Dwight Yoakam - Guitars, Cadillacs

Now it's roll bars, rifle racks, Lil Dicky music

Dusty gravel roads that I chill on

Yeah my roll bars, rifle racks, Lil Dicky music

Keep this party lit till the night is gone

3 George and Tammy Memes

6 New George Jones Parody Album Covers

(Blank CD)

Keith Urban Vandalizes Country Music Hall of Fame

Country music superstar Keith Urban was arrested Thursday for causing nearly two million dollars worth of damage at Nashville's Country Music Hall of Fame. Urban, 50,  was booked on charges of felony vandalism, trespassing, and destruction of property. He was released after posting $250,000 bail. A court hearing is scheduled for June 20.

Witnesses say they were surprised to see Urban strolling through the facility alone. That wasn't the strangest thing they'd see. "A few people immediately recognized him and were crowding around for autographs," said museum guest Carl Jenkins. "I thought it was weird he was out in public without security… and he was wearing this big whop-sided backpack with box-cutters and stuff falling out of it."

Carl said Urban took a ball-peen hammer from his pack and asked the surrounding crowd to please excuse him. "He climbed over the barrier and smashed the shit out of Hank Williams Sr's guitar," said Jenkins. "It was crazy, there wasn't nothing left but wire and sawdust when he was through."

Urban then defaced at least 15 of the bas relief Hall of Fame member plaques, including Fred Rose, Tammy Wynette, and Don Schlitz, spray painting such things as phalluses and the word "fart" across them. He also sprayed deer scent all over the iconic "Will the Circle Be Unbroken" inscription with a Super Soaker water gun. 

Before leaving the Hall, Urban also hurled DeFord Bailey's harmonica down a hallway, poured a kale smoothie on several Nudie suits, and cut all the fringe off one of Patsy Cline's outfits. 

Museum staff and security never intervened during Urban's rampage because they thought he was just 'pushing the boundaries of his art or filming a prank show or something.' When all was said and done, however, the Kiwi country guitar slinger had caused real and lasting damage on country's hallowed halls. Urban was taken into custody without incident at his home later that evening. 

While neither Urban nor his wife Nicole Kidman could be reached for comment, Keith's manager told us he doesn't expect Keith's reputation or career to take a hit over the situation because he's very handsome and such a good guitar player.

The Six Least Anticipated Country Albums

Oh wait, that one's real...

Monday Memes: Let's Get Obvious!

First off all, I think these popular country memes are stupid. I didn't start them and I won't retweet them or post them on our Facebook page.

That kind of stuff's way too obvious for me. I like satire and weird, twisted humor. That's why we'll never have millions of followers too, but that's a story for another day. Anyway, here are my own versions of the currently viral "Obvious Country Music Lyric Memes."

Way To Go, FGL!!

Sunday Mornin' Music: Tammy Wynette

Country Graphic Design Nerd Humor

@TheJackalopeTX sent me this. 

So of course I had to make a bunch of my own typeface/country song mashups. 

Random and nerdy, but what else would you expect from us?

Hashtag Games: #wrestlingcountrysongs

WWF "Country Singer" Jeff Jarrett performs "With My Baby Tonight"

 Hashtag Games: #WrestlingCountrySongs


Thanks to our Twitter friends for helping out with this "hashtag game," combining wrestling-related stuff with country song titles. As you will see, @toomuchcountry had a lot of fun with this.
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Mammas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Luchadors

Take This Foot and Shove It (Up Your Candy Ass)

Feed Jake the Snake - @straitshooter13

Hello Walls of Jericho

All My Rowdy Friends Are Having a Cage Match Tonight

♫ Solie, Solie, Solie, Solieeeee / Please don't pin him just because you can ♫ - @toomuchcountry

Stand By Your McMahon  - @DHWritesCountry

Seven Spanish Announce Tables

Chill of an Early Fall Brawl

Will the Squared Circle Be Unbroken - @toomuchcountry

A Boy Named Shinsuke

Rated "DX"

Goodbye Earl Hebner

There Ought to Be a Lawler (by Billy "Smash Craddock) - @toomuchcountry

The Stone Cold Hard Truth

Sea of Heartbreak Kid - @Bocephus50

Smoky Mountain Reigns

Punjabi Prison Blues

Honky Tonk Man (no change)

Diamond Dallas Rings & Old Barstools - @toomuchcountry

She Thinks His Name Was John Cena

Bigger Than Breezango

Save A Horseman by Big and Tommy Rich - @toomuchcountry

Shawn Michaels Lost His Smile

Starrcades Over Texas

Cross Rhodes Anthem

Might As Well Get Stone Cold Steve Austin - @DHWritesCountry

Mississippi Moonsault

Whiskey Bent and Hell's Gate

Andre From Montgomery - @toomuchcountry

Kurt Angles Among Us

If We Make It Through December to Dismember

Stand By Your Mankind - @peliti27

Are You Sure Hulk Done It This Way?

Sunday Mornin' Music: Tammy Wynette

Mississippi Flag Ideas: Country Music Edition

There's been a lot of talk in the news recently about getting rid of all forms and fashions of the Confederate flag on the government property and regalia of several southern states. In fact, FTM's home state of Mississippi still has that flag as a portion of its very state flag. On Twitter, many have been presenting serious and humorous options for changing MS's flag. Here are a few (non-serious) alternative designs for Mississippi's state flag, based on the country music stars from the state. Randy Houser doesn't get one.

FTM Fantasy Football Team Names

The NFL gets rolling next week, so it's fantasy draft time! I only have 2 fantasy teams this year. That's low for me.... They're named "Blake Shelton's Ego" and "Reptile Aliens Made of Light." Here are some other suggested music-related fantasy football team names by me and some of FTM's Facebook and Twitter pals. You're welcome to steal them because you probably aren't in the same leagues...

Willie's Buds
Stand By Your Manziel
Do the Sankey Legg -Russell Parmele
The Hell Mama Raised
Cash's Walk the Liners -Ray Weaver
Call Me the Brees
The Men (or Women) in Black
Lawrence Taylor Swift -Perry Brown (of Fire Mountain)
Don't Come Around Here Romo
Touchdown Troubadours
Boy Named Suh
You Never Even Called Me Legedu Naanee
Honky Tonk Heroes
Gridiron Maiden -Scott Bumpus
Wake Me Up Before You Romo -Joe Fink 

Montee Mountain High
Sunday Manning Coming Down -Ryan Depew
She Likes the Bortles (And I Like the Stones) -Ryan Depew
Black Sheep of the Fantasy League
Florida Georgia Linebackers -Mike Holcomb
Gimme Three Downs
Talkin' Seattle Seahawks Blues
Manning, I Feel Like a Woman -Andrew Lacy
Don't Rocca the Jukebox
Bad Bad Cleveland Browns -Matt Bjorke
Don't Cry For Me, Joe Montana -Matt Bjorke
The Snake Farmers
Taylor Swift's Red Zone -Jeremy Plotkin
C.J. Spiller's Still the King
Forte Good Times
Retribution Honkytonkists -Gahteeriffico
Me & Robby G
Let There Be Gronk
Shit Mountain KingTurds -'Rev' Brian T Sloane
Third Rate Romo
Tom Brady & The Heartbreakers
LeSean Remains the Same
Welker to the Jungle -Kenny Graves
The Age of Demaryius -Kenny Graves
Mrs. Stevan Ridley
The Whiskey (Phillip) Rivers
Ballou Ballers -Rita Ballou
Amendola by Morning

*I would include one entry by my good friend Anthony Mayhan, but it was a bit too un-PC.