Top 10 Things Mississippi Fans Are Doing to Afford Brantley Gilbert Tickets

I just found out that Brantley Gilbert is finally coming to play a show in my area! You can imagine my excitement. Today, FTM ponders how all the local BG fans will pay for this momentous occasion.

10. Refinancing the double-wide

09. Canceling Guns & Ammo and Buckmasters subscriptions

08. Painting house camouflage so taxman won't see it

07. Ransom

6. Selling Arts & Crafts

05. Collecting insurance money from deer-stand/home that mysteriously burned down

04. Ramping up sales and distribution of Oxycontin

03. Cut back strip club visits to bi-weekly

02. Quit smoking - put cigarette money to better use: riverboat gambling

01. Telling Grandma that Obama's death panels have decided she can't have her heart medication any more

Top 10 Things Brantley Gilbert Tattoo Owners are Also the Owners Of 2

10. Gemmy the Singing Deer Head

9. Meth Mouth

8. Ed Hardy Panties

7. A Waffle House wedding

6. More than 4 children with more than 4 mothers or fathers

5. This t-shirt. (NSFW)

4. An outstanding arson warrant

3. Light-up Truck Nutz

2. A tan like this

1. A truck with a $1600 system, $5500 in tires and wheels and $0 insurance

Top 10 Dumbass Lines That Will Be on the Next Luke Bryan Album

10. How much donk's in that badonkadonk?

9. She's got her hands in the air, showing off that pair

8. Doin' donuts in my truck, wanna hit that donut hole

7. Say "Heyyyyyy, we want some couuuuntryyyyy!"

6. I love you like a fat redneck loves fried okra

5. Pop a cold one, down the gravel road we go
Plug in your iPad, crank some I Heart Radio

4. A bench seat for your country butt
That's the way I like to truck

3. Goin' on down to the fishin hole, gonna put some beers in my mouth hole. -. ‏‪@AJSwopeLTH‬

2. Drop it down low if you know what I mean
Get some gravel road dirt on them cut off jeans

1. Sparkle jeans and turnip greens. Country baby! boom boom, shacka lacka. I got more money than you poor suckas. -Lexi Davis (FB)

Top 10 Comments Overheard at CMA Fest 2012

10. Is Brantley Gilbert here? I want to show him my Affliction panties!

09. Why yes, I would like to supersize that!

08. Oooh, Broadway! Is that where they have the musicals?!?

07. I wore the right size tube top, but I still got a sunburn!

06. I got a Tweet asking if I wanted to motorboat with Little Big Town. It depends on which one I get to motorboat!

05. These portapotties aren't wide enough. Who am I? Kate Upton?

04.  I can see Kellie Pickler's boobies from here!

03. Yes, I was told to deliver this crate of Black Label to Martina McBride's trailer.

02. Why am I holding a can of spray paint? I'm getting Luke Bryan to sign my ass!

01. Does anybody know where you can rent one of them Walmart scooters? My cankles are killing me.

Top 10 Things This Guy Did to Pass as Brantley Gilbert

Top 10 Things This Guy Did to Pass as Brantley Gilbert

10. Get business cards with skulls, wings, holographic patterns and dragons printed up from here

09. Never be seen in public without carefully sculpted facial hair

08. Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!

07. Change ringback tone to whatever Nickelback's latest single is

06. Polish earrings

05. Wear lots of crosses; not go to church

04. Be mannerly to people who can do something for you

03. When wearing button-down shirts, make sure at least three buttons left undone

02. Visit scrapbooking store for supplies. Transform Wranglers into True Religion jeans in minutes!

01. Say "Hi, I'm Brantley Gilbert, professional poser."

Top 10 Shortest Books by Country Artists IV

10. Cosmetic Procedures I Skipped - Reba McEntire

09. All My #1s: Piano, Vocals, Guitar Songbook - Chad Brock

08. Thought Provoking Conversations with Jake Owen

07. Roller Coasters I'm Tall Enough to Ride - Shooter Jennings

06. On My Own: All the Good Quitting Sugarland Has Done Me - Kristen Hall

05. How to Ride Off Into the Sunset, Gracefully - Randy Travis

04. All the Books I've Read - Brantley Gilbert

03. Actual Country Songs We Played This Year - MISS 103 (or your local station)

02. Ruling the Roost: A Man's Guide to Wearing the Pants in the Family - Casey Donahew

01. Stupid-Ass Lines I Wouldn't Sing - Luke Bryan

Top 10 Things Brantley Gilbert Tattoo Owners Are Also the Owners Of

10. A double-wide trailer in default

09. One of these 

08. At least one appearance on either COPS or To Catch a Predator

07. A wife-beater drawer in their dresser

06. Third degree burns from recent meth lab explosion

05. A wallet chain, but no bike and nothing in the wallet

04. A half-off discount at the dentist (due to having half a set of teeth)

03. A mailbox like this

02. An itchy rash that poison ivy didn't give and Benedryl won't cure

01. Multiple restraining orders filed by female family members

Honorable mention:

NASCAR Affliction Die-Cast Car

Top 10 Menu Items at new Rascal Flatts Restaurants

http://tasteofcountry.com/rascal-flatts-to-open-restaurant-chain/

10. Doughboy Bread Pudding

09. "I Melt" Patty Melt

08. "Prayin' for Pepto" Chili

07. Hair Gel Tiramisu

06. "Bob That Head" Sausage Dog

05. Gary's Fried Gravy Sandwich

04. Glitter Coated Cream Puffs

03. Gary's Famous Side of Ribs (Half-Order pictured)

02. Chicken Wussadillas

01. The Levox Challenge
(Three 1-lb Angus patties, pizza sauce, 10 chicken tenders, 5 all-beef hotdogs, 12 popcorn shrimp, half gallon of mayonaisse, pint of ketchup, all between 2 massive pasty buns. With 2 pounds of french fries and a vat of chocolate milk. Eat it all in 30 minutes, get your name on a plaque, alongside the challenge's only winner - Gary Levox!)



Thanks to Jessica Blankenship for the idea!

Top 10 Names for a Snoop Dogg-Led Bluegrass Band

Inspired by this photo and #6 posted on Facebook.

10. The Compton Clawhammers

09. Seven Leaf Magic

08. Nuthin' But a Banjo Thang

07. High Up on the Mountain-men

06. The Doggy Mountain Boys (From Engine 145)

05. Cloggystyle

04. Hoeslappa Ridge Rangers

03. The Shizzle Brothers

02. Murder Ballads Were the Case

01. Calvin Broadus and the Sticky Icky Riders

Top 10 Names for Brantley Gilbert Nation

While pondering the next bit of trash talking about Brantley Gilbert, FTM ran across this shirt design and was reminded that BG fans refer to themselves as such. FTM pondered just what such a nation might be called if granted sovereignty (on the outside chance anyone in the nation could fill out the needed paperwork).

10. Faketanistan

9. Republic of Wallechainia

8. Federal Union of EBT

7. Grabbouti

6. People's Commonwealth of Bangaskank

5. Hertztagopee

4. Walmaritania

3. Tribaltattuga

2. Chlamydia

1. The Douchenited States of Axemerica

Top 10 Potential Stage Names for New Hick-Hop Artists

10. J-Kash in Blak

09. Leann Rhymez

08. Rurl Rowt Husslaz

07. Kanye South

06. The Notorious H.I.C.K.

05. Puffy Nelson

04. Dolly Minaj

03. Dem Bondo Boyz

02. Lo-Ridah Lynn

01. Merle Swagga

Top 10 Brantley Gilbert New Year's Resolutions for 2012

Thanks to some of my Twitter followers for sending in their submissions!

10. Research old country music to see who else is there to name-drop

- @thebenimal

09. Then see how many of those country legends' names can be crammed into one radio-friendly song

08. To rewrite his Wikipedia page to include that he's an outlaw that can kick anybody's ass because he listens to Johnny Cash. - @iankevans

07. Attempt to beat Matthew McConaughey for most times photographed shirtless in a year

06. Get a personalized Axe fragrance

05. Do a duet with Jason Aldean about how country we are and proud

- @AikoujOi

04. Make an album blending a modern edge with traditional and authentic outlaw country, eschewing clichés and putting forth his honest artistic statement, with making good music being the focus, not money. Ha ha, just kidding! More of the same shit!

03. Own more shirts with sleeves

- @alymae

02. Actually find a station playing Cash, Hank, Willie & Waylon

- @erikflatt

01. Lose 10 lbs so he can fit into his wallet chain from high school.

- @shelbyjo

Top 10 Alternate Titles for Eric Church/Brantley Gilbert 2012 Tour

With the announcement of the 2012 Blood, Sweat and Beers tour featuring Eric Church, Brantley Gilbert and some guys they found at the local pool hall, FTM pondered some more fitting titles for said tour.

Top 10 Alternate Titles for Eric Church/Brantley Gilbert 2012 Tour

10. Aviators and Wallet Chains

09. Affliction Presents: Outfauxs 2012

08. Bud, Regret and Tears

07. The Axe Fratlaws Tour

06. At Least We're Not Rascal Flatts

05. Craftsman Presents: Tools Across America

04. Kicking Ass and Dropping Names

03. DUIs and STDs

02. Blood, Sweat and Vinegar & Water

01. Spin Hank Like a Top World Tour

Top Ten Shortest Books by Country Artists III

10. Shit That Worries Me - Willie Nelson

09. Good Times With Mike - Tim McGraw

08. How To Have Fun on a Sunday Night Without Watching a UFC Pay-Per-View - Brantley Gilbert

07. Artists Not Eligible for Best New Artist Award - Country Music Association

06. How Not to Sully Your Legacy - Hank Williams Jr.

05. Sane, Sober, Lucid Days - Mindy McCready

04. How Many F*cks I Give - Billy Joe Shaver

03. Stuff I Actually Know About Girls - Scotty McCreery

02. How to Distinguish Yourself in Country Music - Hunter Hayes

01. Items I Can Reach on the Top Shelf - Justin Moore

Top 10 (Country Music-related) Things to be Thankful for this Thanksgiving

10. That there aren't two Jason Aldeans. Oh wait…. That there aren't three Jason Aldeans.

09. Jamey Johnson

08. That Colt Ford isn't getting much airplay (yet)

07. Elizabeth Cook

06. iPods/satellite radio so we don't have to hear this if we don't want to

05. Ray Wylie Hubbard

04. That radio will have to stop playing "If I Die Young" eventually

03. That Willie, Merle, Ray Price and Loretta are still with us

(this is #1 in spirit if not digit)

02. Hellbound Glory

01. That Gary Levox isn't coming to our Thanksgiving dinner

Top 10 (Non-Existent) Country Songs About Picnic Products

With the popularity of Toby Keith's "Red Solo Cup" (which is either completely insipid or absolute genius), FTM considered which other picnic essentials might make for good (okay, terrible) song fodder.

Top 10 (Non-Existent) Country Songs About Picnic Products

10. Martina McBride - "Dasani Bottle (It's a Good Thing Gin is Clear)"

09. Garth Brooks - "Are You Gonna Finish That Pimento and Cheese?"

08. Bucky Covington - "Grilling for Dummies"

07. Little Jimmy Dickens - "Bury Me in a Coleman When I Die"

06. Brantley Gilbert - "Drinking the Koolaid"

05. Chris Knight - "Lawn Dart Through the Heart"

04. Loretta Lynn - "You Ain't Woman Enough to Take My Ham Sandwich"

03. Kid Rock - "Wet Ones Antibacterial"

02. Brad Paisley - "I'd Like to Spray You With Off"

01. Gary Levox - "Dixie Heavy Duty Plates"

Top 10 (Non Existent) Country Celeb Perfumes

With Taylor Swift putting out her aptly named Wonderstruck perfume recently, FTM pondered what other country stars should put out their own signature scents and what those should be called.

Top 10 (Non Existent) Country Celeb Perfumes

10. Hank Williams Jr. - Faux Pas

09. Brantley Gilbert - Eau de Douche

08. Kellie Pickler - Pneumatic You

07. Lady Antebellum - Booty Rendezvous

06. Tim McGraw - Vassalage

05. Shooter Jennings - Nads by Shooter

04. Miranda Lambert - Nads by Miranda

03. Bucky Covington - The Scent of Failure

02. Luke Bryan - Tailgates & Toothpaste

01. Gary LeVox - Voracious

Top 10 More Ways You Can Know a Country Album Sucks Without Listening to It

Top 10 More Ways You Can Know a Country Album Sucks Without Listening to It

10. Brand name clearly visible on back of singer's jeans

09. There's a song in the track listing called "Dirt Road Anthem (Revisited)"

08. The word "incredible" or "machine" is on the album cover

07. It came free with purchase of wallet/chain set

06. It was released by Curb Records

05. This follows most of the song titles (feat. insert some other artist )

04. More than three of these words appear on the album cover: hook, redneck, beer, twang, outlaws, Chevy, guns, honky

03. The word "titty" is on the cover but there's no parental advisory label

02. Ask Reginald Spears, he'll tell you.

01. It's this album.

Top 10 Titles for Leann Rimes' Exercise Video

Top 10 Titles for Leann Rimes' New Fitness Video

10. Abs and Adultery

09. How to Have Hollywood Hipbones

08. Pukin' to the Oldies

07. How Do I Live (Without Food?)

06. The Jumproping Jezebel Workout Plan

05. Get Angular Fast!

04. The Index Finger Workout

03. P90lbs

02. Leann Rimes' Ripped in 30 Purges

01. Stick Figure Yoga

Thanks to Juli Thanki for the inspiration for the top 10 and for #10!

Top 10 Country Songs Most Soccer Moms Would Not Be Fond Of

Here's a countdown of 10 country songs that would not weigh easily on the sensibilities of most mainstream country radio listeners (now anyway - the Wagoner song made it to #2 in 1967). Feel free to add your own in the comments.

10. "She Took a Lot of Pills (And Died)" - Robbie Fulks

Can you imagine this playing on the radio after Taylor Swift's latest ditty? Me neither.

09. "PFF (Punch, Fight, F***)" - Hank Williams III

Hank and pals scream in honor of a "music artist" who frequently took a dump on stage and played in it (to put it nicely) and was also known for wallowing in self-drawn blood (to put it nicely again).

08. "Holding On So Tight" - Gary Floater (portion of the song at this link)

This ode to "punching the clown" might not rest easy on radio programmers' palates.

07. "Honey Bee" - Lucinda Williams

Lucinda has never been bashful about middle-aged sex. "Now I've got your sweetness all up in my hair"... TMI Lucy!

06. "38-21-34" - Dale Watson

Unreasonable figures?

05. "Cold Hard Facts of Life" - Porter Wagoner

Pink champagne, candlelight, surprising the wife (and her lover ...with a knife!!)

04. "Titties and Beer" - Rodney Carrington

Rodney's a born romantic, huh ladies?

03. "Delia's Gone" - Johnny Cash

This shockingly cold and violent song from the Man in Black is all the more disturbing because of who it's from.

02. "Itty Bitty Titties" - David Allan Coe

I guess if you're as ugly as Coe, you've got to lay on the charm thick.

01. "Dick in Dixie" - Hank III

Hank returns to the countdown with this wordy-durd filled rant against Nashville, offering to put male and female sexual organs back into country music (were they ever there in the first place?) The D-word and the C-word get ample airtime.